Mac Fights Gay Marriage

Mac:I have actually packed on about 15 or 20 pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken, bro. It's actually a testament to your gym.

Mac:Sweet camel toe. That's a good tuck job. You have it taped back there?

Mac:Either way, now that you're dick-less, I'm into it.

Charlie:I found them in, like, in a little pile in the alleyway. A squirrel must have piled them up and then got hit by a car.

Dennis:Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did you feed us alley almonds? Why wouldn't you tell us that?

Mac:Mac's convoluted explanation about getting pumped up on protein from nuts then not getting his pump on but actually getting his pump on from pushups outside

Mac:She got her dick cut off, and she married a dude. Oh, that's great. Congratulations to her.

Dennis:No, that is not great.

Mac:No? That is a gay marriage.

Mac:Well, for starters, clearly, her husband is a homosexual, okay?

Dennis:Why are you making that assumption?

Mac:Because he's with a tranny?

Dennis:You were with the tranny.

Charlie:What are you saying?

Mac:No, Charlie, that is completely different, and you know it.

Dennis:Yeah. No. He's right. That's different, 'cause this new guy... if I'm hearing correctly... he waited until she got her dick cut off before he banged her.

Mac:Marriage is about procreation, okay? This is gay marriage. That's two dudes banging each other. What do you get from that? Nothing. Nothing.

Dennis:You should take your powerful extension cord argument straight to the Supreme Court. Mm-hmm. They'll love it there. Run that right up the ladder, right?

Mac:Where's our bible? Where's our goddamn bible? We don't have a bible in here. Yeah. Why don't we have a bible? We never have. It's a bar.

Mac:I don't have enough facts to support my argument. Clearly. But I'm gonna find a bible, and then I'm gonna come back, and I'm gonna school you sons of bitches

Dennis:I always thought I'd be married by now. What? What? Yeah. Well, I don't know. I... All that talk about marriage and everything... it's got me thinking about myself and my situation

Charlie:I remember her dead tooth, dude.

Dennis:What? Dead tooth? She didn't have a dead tooth.

Dee:You guys remember her brother, Bill? Bill Ponderosa? Boy, that guy was like a walking cliché. He was hot, great buns.

Dennis:Yeah, and I remember, every time you tried to talk to him, you'd (gags).

Dee:I got a little gaggy.

Frank:Here, let me hit you with a two-by-four. You won't feel anything.

Charlie:No. I don't want to play that game anymore.

Frank and Charlie moving pennies with Charlie throwing them on the floor and Frank getting angry

Charlie:If we do that domestic partnership thing that gay guys can do, I can totally get on your health insurance.

Dee:Dee gagging while trying to express excitement about seeing Bill Ponderosa

Dennis:Nobody really wants to see that. Goddamn, this has been a really fun walk down memory lane.

Dennis:You're a third wheel who wormed his way into our situation

Maureen:I had to break the window of the Datsun, so...

Dennis:Oh, yeah, it was one of those.

Maureen:One of those, huh?

Maureen:His eyes were so yellow.

Mac:Men with men committing indecent acts... sex in the but, ... will receive the due penalty for their perversion. Word of the Lord.

When a man strikes his slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies, he shall be punished. If, however, the slave survives for a day or two, he is not to be punished, for the slave is his property.

Nick:Well, so you're saying you're gonna whoop my black ass with a rod as long as you like it, as long as I get up after a day or two we are good? That's what you're telling me?

Nick reading the slavery passage about beating slaves with rods

Carmen:Look, if anything, you're the one that had sex with me when I was a man.

Mac:Oh, that's it... you're gay.

Carmen:No, no, no, no, no, no, no... He's gay.

Charlie:Dennis and Dee are going to pull the plug on you so fast, your head is going to spin. But think about this, Frank, you know who's not going to do that? This guy right here.

Charlie:You just had to sign a little piece of paper. They gave Frank and I, like, a million forms for our marriage.

Dennis:Did you smell her breath? Are you kidding me? It smelled like she was nibbling on little pieces of shit.

Dennis:I built up a shell. A shell around myself. A cold, calculated, heartless shell that couldn't be broken by anything but marriage. And that's what she did, dude... she broke that shell with marriage.

Dennis:You know what, believe it or not, I've been doing some inventory... and it turns out you don't actually own anything in this apartment.

Mac:That can't be true.

Dennis:It's shockingly true.

Dennis:For instance, that shirt that you're wearing right now. That was my shirt. And then I got tired of it, I threw it in the trash and then you fished it out of the trash and you cut the sleeves off it, as you are want to do, 'cause that's your thing, but whatever.

Carmen:Neither of you would be the woman. You're both men. Are you kidding me? Is this what you've been upset about the whole time?

Which one of us is going to be the woman?

Frank:I'm not going to get my dick cut off and sold to China. Spend the rest of my life on a treadmill like this guy.

Charlie:Two dudes getting married... that doesn't seem very gay.

Frank:Yeah, right?

Charlie:It's not...

Frank:Yeah, right, yeah, okay.

Charlie:Two cool married... dudes. Not gay.

Frank:Hey, did they really sell your dick to China? No. I can tell by your stare the answer is no.

Mac:Oh. What are you doing? Are you going to throw up?

Dee:No...

Mac:Then why are you gagging?

Dee:Oh, that...

Mac:Because, Dee, that triggers my gag reflex too, and then I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Mac:Bill Ponderosa.

Dennis:Although it gets a little confusing halfway through because Mac and I decided to switch parts. He wanted to play Murtaugh for some reason. Yeah, and I'm not going to lie. His use of blackface I found a bit regrettable, but...

Dennis describing his homemade Lethal Weapon 5 movie where Mac used blackface

Dennis:I see that you're wearing another one of those kitty cat sweatshirts that you seem so fond of. And you glued some jewels and some flowers and things to it. Uh-huh. Interesting.

Maureen:Uh, I love you.