Dennis Gets Divorced

Maureen:But there's cab fare on the nightstand.

Maureen:That's the third morning in a row you've done that.

Maureen:We're married.

Maureen:Oh, I don't work.

Dennis:Oh, oh, okay. I just thought maybe you weren't going to work recently because we were going through a little bit of a honeymoon phase. But you're saying that you don't have a job.

Maureen:No job.

Dennis:No job at all? Wow.

Dennis:All yours.

Maureen:All mine.

Maureen:All mine all the time.

Dennis:All the time.

Dennis:Don't-don't look in those drawers.

Maureen:What's in those drawers?

Dennis:My sex tapes.

Charlie:You told me it was the phone bill, man. / Of course I signed it.

Mac:Why would you think that you needed to sign a phone bill.

Charlie:When he hands me something to sign and it's about money and papers, I sign it.

Mac:Charlie, gets health insurance and I get diddly-squat.

Mac:Because I don't have a home anymore. So this is where I take a shower. This is where I live, Dennis.

Mac:Yeah, one second you're on your high horse about how great marriage is, and now you're destroying one?

Dee:Well, I'm not the one who's married. I didn't do anything wrong.

Dennis:Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, all this talk about marriage and Dee being such a whore has got me thinking... I never got a bachelor party.

Mac:Being married to Charlie's got me all confused. I got to get my hetero on.

Dennis:I like that move. What is that?

Charlie:That's it. Motorcycle?

Dennis:That's pretty... Yeah, not like that, though. It's pretty good, but you got to use... a little bit more shoulder.

Dennis:Now do I write the word 'too' or should I write the number two? What's the best way to do that when we're texting back and forth?

Stripper:Sorry. You have to be a couple for that.

Mac:We are a couple.

Charlie:documents.

Mac:I'm tightening the purse strings on this relationship until there's a little bit of give and take.

Dennis:'Miss you more.' That's classic Maureen right there. She's always got to one-up me 'Miss you most.' Most... can't get more than most, right? So that should... that should be the end of it, right?

Bill:Actually, I came clean to my wife. And she kicked me out of the house.

Dee:Ew. Ouch.

Dee:Yeah. Bet you wish you could take that one back.

Bill:Dee, I gave you a car.

Dee:You're gonna jam the car in my face, huh?

Maureen:That is not your room anymore. It is my craft studio, so kindly stay out of there.

Dennis:She turned it into her craft studio where she makes terrible sweatshirts out of cats or... puts cats in sweatshirts

Dennis:I don't love you, Maureen. I don't love you. I never loved you. You're annoying and you're strange.

Dennis:It's like her breath... Ugh! It's like always so bad. It's like a dead tooth. It's the dead tooth. I'm saying it now. I'll say it. You have a dead tooth.

Maureen:Oh, yeah? How about if you guys don't leave, I call the cops and I tell 'em you beat me?

Mac:Oh, shit, that's from... that's from Fear, dude. Oh, that's Marky Mark. That's Marky Mark. That's what Marky Mark does.

Bill:Sorry. Want to have sex?

Dee:What?! No, no! God, no! Please close your legs up.

Bill:I don't give a shit about the car, okay? My life is in ruins. I'm gonna lose my kids.

Dee:Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay, great, so we're in agreement. I keep the car.

Bill:I don't give a shit about the car, okay? My life is in ruins. I'm gonna lose my kids.

Dee:Okay, great, so we're in agreement. I keep the car.

Mac:You think it's gonna be that easy, dude?

Dennis:Well, yeah, of course. I mean, marriage and divorce these days, it's like a, it's more of a formality than anything else, you know?

Charlie:Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table, and you know it!

Dee:It's coming up here. This... yeah, this is it right here. The Ponderosas' ponderosa.

Jack Kelly:I know they're very small. It's been very hard on me.

Charlie:You can have the hot plate.

Mac:Hot dog!

Jack:Now we're cooking with gas.

Mac:All I'm seeing is a series of drawings of elephants.

Jack:Oh, yeah. Well, Charlie did the elephant drawings.

Mac:Yeah, but... You should keep 'em.

Charlie:I did those for you, man.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say there's a lot of love in this room here.

Mac:Why did we have to do all the touching and the hand-holding if it was just...?

Charlie:It was fun.

Dee:I just kidnapped Bill Ponderosa's kids.

Dee:I just kidnapped Bill Ponderosa's kids.

All right, are the kids confined in any way, maybe in a crawl space or a backyard bunker?

Dee:No, they're out in the car.

Have you touched them yet?

Dee:Absolutely not.

Dee:I tell you what, I did not mean to kidnap them. That was all... that was all this guy.

How much does he owe you?

Dee:What?

How much does he owe you for the sex?

Dee:Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a prostitute.

Oh, well, congratulations. You're the only woman he didn't have to pay to sleep with.

Bill's Wife:How much does he owe you for the sex?

Dee:Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a prostitute.

Bill's Wife:Oh, well, congratulations. You're the only woman he didn't have to pay to sleep with.

Charlie's uncle:Well, when I heard you were getting divorced, I-I felt compelled to involve myself.

Dennis:I'm sorry, how would you have heard that I was getting a...

Charlie's uncle:I was listening to you drunkenly explain all that at 3:00 a.m.

Jack:The pleasure is all mine.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Jack:The pleasure's... still...

Charlie's uncle:I use shea butter. Assorted lanolin products.

Charlie's uncle:Oh, I'm serious, you could be a hand model. You've got the goods.

And you also acquired Ms. Ponderosa's debt.

Dennis:Whoo-hoo.

What? You're in debt?

Maureen:Not anymore. But you are... about 90K.

Charlie:Uncle Jack, what the hell?!

Jack:I froze up.

Maureen:He's great.

And would it be okay if you put your hands on top of mine? Like they're my hands?

Sure, yeah.

Like that?

Yes.

Okay.

That looks like my hands.

Jack Kelly:And would it be okay if you put your hands on top of mine? Like they're my hands? That looks like my hands.