The Gang Buys a Boat

Now I'm not gonna bore you with details, but let's just say that my friends here set up for a *** adventure... ***.com.

Yeah.

Actually we're not supposed to talk about...

That's true but...

Yeah, technically we're doing a couple of things in the hush hush from Uncle Sam...

The point is we're flush.

We are 25 hundred dollars flush.

Dennis:Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there's nothing I can do about it.

Yeah, we're gonna throw some P. Diddy-style parties up on the deck. Um, can we talk shrimp for a minute? I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump-size amount of shrimp.

Boat Dealer:It seems what you guys are looking for is some sort of P. Diddy-style shrimping vessel. All right! That's it! You're a really good listener, and I didn't peg you for one when I walked in here 'cause of the pinky ring, but that's great.

Boat Dealer:Well, here she is, The Drowning Sailor. It, uh, doesn't meet, well, uh, any of your specs.

Dennis:We saw this coming a mile away, and we've had our hearts set on this boat thing for days now, which, in our world, is a level of focus in which I personally have never experienced.

Dennis:But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and I'm gonna say... We'll take it!

Mac:What-what-what are you doing?

Dennis:I was-I was doing a thing.

Mac:You were taking a long time, dude. You're taking way too long.

Dennis:Well, the houseboat offers all the advantages of a house, but with the excitement of the sea.

Charlie:Picture tiny shrimp crawling all over this boat. Every inch of it...

Dennis:Can we not focus on the shrimp cause we have so much work to do.

Charlie:It's a shrimp boat. I'd like to have at least one conversation about shrimp.

Dee:That's my P. Diddy boat dance.

Mac:You look like one of this inflatable dancing things at the used car lot. The ones that flail around in the wind.

Dennis:Okay, why don't you bring the guy in, we'll have a dance competition?

Dennis:I'm gonna be the judge of that contest!

Dee:There's not gonna be a contest!

Mac:Stop!

Dennis:Everybody stop!

Dennis:Shut up!

Frank:I used to eat 'em when I was a kid. You can't buy 'em in the stores no more. Why is that? The goddamned EPA. They says they're toxic. Toxic my ass. I mean, they're just endangered. They're tasty, man.

Charlie:Here's what we'll do: we'll scrape all these little delicious oysters or whatever off the side of the boat. We'll put 'em in a pot, we'll boil 'em up for before you get back.

Dennis:Those are barnacles. Do not eat those. Do not cook them in a pot and serve them to us. Honestly, don't eat those. You'll get very, very sick, okay?

Charlie:Whoa! Since when are you the captain?

Dennis:Well, clearly I'm the captain. Who else would be the captain.

Mac:I feel like I would be the captain.

Charlie:I don't give a shit.

Mac:I'm captain! I call it! Locked in. Boom.

Frank:I asked you to toss 'em! You threw 'em overhand! That's the way I throw! Jump in there and get 'em.

Charlie:I'm not going in there. I don't sink. What? I get in there, I just bob around like a cauliflower.

Dennis:The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse. Because of the implication.

Dennis:The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. You know, not that things are going to go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will.

Mac:But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you. Why aren't you understanding this?

Mac:Are you going to hurt women?

Dennis:I'm not going to hurt these women.

Mac:Oh, okay.

Dennis:Why would I ever hurt these women? You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.

Mac:So they are in danger?

Dennis:No one's in any danger.

Dennis:You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.

Mac:So they are in danger?

Dennis:No one's in any danger.

Charlie:I got a tooth. It's like a horse's tooth or something. And look at this ***. This is a war relic. This could be valuable. What the hell happened down there? Some kind of horse massacre? Could be.

Frank:Come on, man. I throw overhand, Charlie.

♪ Stop Drop Shut 'em down, open up shop... ♪

Frank:Now, let's see. Start with this beautiful baby here. Whoa. Crash and burn. Holy mackerel. Die, you sucker! Oh, baby, look out.

Dennis:Think about, like, all the movies and the books and all the stories of all the terrible awful, awful things that have happened out in the middle of the ocean. That's the stuff that's, like, rattling around in her head, informing her decision as to whether she sleeps with me or not.

Dennis:Oh, my God, what the hell did you do to our boat?!

Frank:Uh, we were cleaning it.

Dennis:Wow, wow, wow, what's that all about? You're just breaking everything in this boat. You were supposed to be fixing it up and making it look nice.

Charlie:There's like a whole world of ancient stuff. There was a horse massacre, right, in the Revolutionary times, and then there's like a pirate ship. Like, I found all these old pretty little dolls. Maybe like a brush, like a pirate is brushing his hair... Killed the horse and then jumped in the ocean?

Dee:Goddamn it, I've been cleaning up in there for hours throwing this shit overboard and you're just dragging it all back up.

You've been dumping the trash in the ocean?

Mac:That was patronizing! You can't patronize your captain. That's a sea law.

Like Stevie Nicks.

That's actually Steve Winwood.

Right.

Same dude, right?

It's not the same dude.

Actually, one's not even a dude.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Dennis:It's bad enough I let you buy that stupid inflatable guy from the car lot. Stop it! Goddamn it, don't! It's not the puffy guy... it's this music. This aggressive music you're playing.

Charlie:Dudes, you're never going to believe what I just found floating off the end of the boat. Yeah. There's a couple more brushes here and a little paint.

Dennis:Get to work, we'll do the trim and then we'll be done.

Charlie:Yo, you guys... fighting with a green guy.

Frank:We're going to do all the work while you guys go to a party? We got to socialize. I could socialize.

Dennis:Uh, no. Not looking like you're looking. You're covered in paint and dirt and grime and all kinds of shit, so...

Mac:You're skin looks like leather and you got blisters all over you.

Charlie:Dude, they were just floating under the boat. They got a little floaty thing on them. This is amazing, by the way... these floaty things. We should patent this.

Mac:These guys are more barnacle covered and sunburned than Dee and Frank.

Dennis:Let's not rush to judgment, okay? These are real men of the sea.

Mac:Maybe this whole thing isn't about meeting girls. Maybe it's about having an adventure, you know, an open ocean adventure.

Dennis:Hey, bro, how'd you lose that hand?

Boat Guy:Diabetes.

Dennis:Oh. Um, that's not, uh, much of an adventure, is it? Kind of tragic.

Dennis:I'd offer to pour you a drink, but you probably can't drink though with the... diabetes. Diabetes.

Boat Captain:We're going to set sail soon, and we're going to have a couple of tasty treats out there. It's going to get nuts out there, fellas, right? We're going to be out on open ocean, right? Anything can happen out there. No laws, right, boys? Just us and our tasty treats.

Dennis:That was an implication, right? That was definitely the implication. Are we the tasty treats? We're the tasty treats in the scenario. They're going to take us out into the open ocean... they're going to have their way with us, Mac. Is this how you wanted those poor women to feel?

Mac:Is this how you wanted those poor women to feel? No.

Dennis:You know what, I don't enjoy having this conversation with you. I feel like you're lumping me in with them.

Frank:And you can taste that sort of endangered tang.

Charlie:That's it. Hey, man, yeah, absolutely. I'll get right on that. That's how you patronize someone right there.

Charlie:Uh, hey, um, what do you do if the boat is on fire?

Frank:What do you mean?

Charlie:The boat is on fire.

Frank:What?!

Charlie:Fire's getting bigger. Fire's getting big.

Frank:Bail!

Frank:Find some water. Find some water?! Find some water.

Charlie:What do you mean find some water? There's water everywhere.

Frank:Help! Help us.

Mac:It's so much more romantic in the middle of nowhere where we can be completely alone, and you can make rash decisions based on fear. Right, Dennis?

Dennis:I thought we told you guys to beat it. Out of my way.

Frank:No more Diddy boat. Damn catfish nipping at my heels all the w... Endangered my ass. There's a billion of them out there.

Frank:Damn catfish nipping at my heels all the way. Endangered my ass. There's a billion of them out there.

Dennis:Charlie, where's the boat? What happened to the boat?

Charlie:It's right there.

Frank:This was a terrible investment.