The Storm of the Century

Dennis:Well, I, for one, would like to meet this Jackie Denardo and see if her breasts are as staggering in person.

Mac:Guys, maybe we should get a 3-D TV. The breasts are only going to keep getting bigger, and we need the latest technology to keep up.

Charlie:Oh, she's talking about it and, you know, we're sort of listening and we're enjoying her breasts. Just let us have this. The breasts make you care about the weather in a really good way

Dennis:Amigos, tenemos... Ho! Whoo! Cha, cha, cha. Oh, man, it's internacional. It's on every channel. These are the breasts we should focus on.

What are you wearing?

Frank:Oh, I got all riled up by the weather report and ain't a drop of rain out there, so I put this old trash bag on to keep myself protected.

Dennis:That was the Mayans, dude.

Mac:Mayans, Mexicans-- what's the difference?

Dennis:One difference is that the Mayans are extinct.

Mac:Yeah, the Mexicans killed the Mayans.

Charlie:No, the Spaniards banged the Mayans, turned 'em into Mexicans.

Dennis:We got to stop pussydicking around here, okay? It's time to get in the bunker.

Dennis:Yeah, we, uh, we converted this old storage closet into a place where we could ride out Y2K.

Dee:Yeah, robopocalypse-- machines communicating with each other and conspiring to destroy the human race.

And why is there a condom wrapper on the floor?

Uh, you've probably been banging in the bunker, right?

Charlie:Guilty.

Frank:I've been watching him bang in here.

Charlie:I don't rape girls, come on.

Frank:Yeah, and I don't eat that many pickled eggs, but...

Charlie:And they have left, they have left now. I'm only still here 'cause I'm not as quick as them.

Frank:Is that a pickled egg?

Charlie:No, it's an egg I brought from home.

Dennis:Hey, you know what I was thinking? In addition to supplies, might be nice to grab some girls, you know, get them back to the bar. This Jackie Denardo chick-- she's, uh, sparked another storm inside me if you know what I mean.

Mac:Yeah, yeah, and we could use 'em to repopulate the planet or something.

Mac:Okay, I'd at least like to find one, like, Mexican or Mayan or something for predictions.

Dennis:No, but get some batteries, though. You be the battery guy and I'll be the, the chicks and tits guy.

Frank:When it's white people, it's survival, and when it's black people, it's looting.

Dee:No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread, and the black people are stealing speakers.

Frank:How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

Frank:I happened to be out in L.A. during the riots. I was on business.

Frank:And to steal ski equipment, I guess.

Frank:Yeah, well, I went in for a loaf of bread, I took some skis. Everybody's happy.

Woman:What's a hurricane party?

Dennis:A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like. It's a party during a hurricane at our bar, Paddy's Pub.

Frank:Yeah, well, he was probably down here with Mac, watching you rape girls and eating pickled eggs.

Charlie:I don't rape girls, come on. Yeah, and I don't eat that many pickled eggs, but...

Charlie:Yeah, we got a sweet bunker, too.

Charlie:Yeah, well... It's, like, so secure, people can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to.

Mac:How did you not know... that the reason I invited you back to my bar... was to bang you? Get out of here! Get the hell out of here! Get... Get out of here! Shoo away from me!

Charlie:Dude, they have amazing stuff here. I'm totally prepared. Check this out. How sweet is that?

Dennis:You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?

Charlie:Yeah. They're gonna be, like, 'Look at this sweet dude, his awesome gear and his awesome hatchet. He's prepared, he's ready for anything. Storm coming? Hatchet coming.'

Dee:It's Cricket!

Charlie:Cricket.

Frank:Oh, what are you doing down here, Cricket?

Cricket:I come down the bunker sometimes when it rains.

Cricket:No, I ain't going to no hospital. They euthanize the homeless. They're goddamned death camps!

Dee:We could dress him up and take him upstairs, and then the looters would think he's the owner of the bar, and they'd have their way with him, and if he died, you know, it's on them, and-and not on us.

Cricket:You're marching me to the ovens.

Dennis:Being of sound mind and body, do solemnly pledge that I do not have a boyfriend. Nor am I currently engaged in a sexual relationship with another individual, females excluded.

Dennis:I hereby agree to be easygoing, to engage in playful conversation, to always act as though I desire your penis even when I don't.

Charlie:I love it. Where do I sign?

Dennis:Okay, again, um, you don't sign anywhere.

Charlie:If we're doing a contract, I want to sign it, so...

Dennis:This isn't a contract for you, Charlie.

Charlie:We would create a race of super giant-breasted women, you know? I'd start sleeping with your daughters, you'd sleep with my daughters, I'd sleep with your daughters' daughters, you'd sleep with my daughters' daughters. We die, our sons would sleep with our daughters' daughters' daughters.

Dennis:Have you gotten into the cheese?

Charlie:There's a whole cheese section. I went nuts.

Dee:It's freezing outside. / You're gonna catch cold and then everyone's going to get sick in the bunker.

Frank:What are you talking about, freezing? It's sunny as shit.

Frank:Don't make me do it, Cricket, I will slice you in half.

Dennis:For the good of the race? / So come to the bar and, uh, oh, and I have a contr-- an agreement, and I need you to sign...

News Crew:Storm's not going to hit Philly. It's just going to drizzle.

How am I supposed to turn that into news?

I don't know, find some other way to make these people go nuts. We need a story.

Maybe we can turn this into global warming. That always gets people whipped up, huh?

Cricket:You're gonna treat me like a dog, huh? You're gonna treat Cricket like a dog?

Clerk:We can only accept cash at this time.

Dennis:Oh, shit.

Charlie:What?

Clerk:Okay, well, you got cash?

Dennis:I only have cards.

Dennis:Charlie, where's the cash I gave you?

Charlie:Mac took off with all our cash! He just took off!

Dennis:Loot, loot, time to loot, loot! Loot, loot! Take everything! Kill the machines! It's their fault! Kill the machines...!

Dennis:It's the end of days, it's the end of days! Pandemonium has struck. Come to the bunker, come to the bunker!

Charlie:Dennis, I got her, Dennis, I got her!

Frank:3-D boobies. Now, this is news.