Sweetums

Tom:Welcome to Parks and Recreation, where we do important work for the city of Pawnee. I'm Tom Haverford, Director of Parks and Leisure. This department is absolutely douchey.

Tom:Jerry, what are you wearing?

Jerry:What? These are my good khakis.

Tom:Jerry, they're covered in soup stains. That's not fashion advice, that's a cry for help.

Tom:My fashion consultant is like if GQ magazine came to life and decided to just roast you for two hours straight.

Fashion Consultant:You know what? I'm going to call you 'Champ.' You've got real style, Tom. You're like a young Shaft.

Tom:Shaft? Really?

Fashion Consultant:No, wait. You're more of a Veronica Mars.

Tom:Veronica Mars? She's a girl!

Fashion Consultant:Exactly.

Tom:Hey, what's up? I'm Tom Haverford. Just, you know, keeping it low-key tonight.

Tom:This old thing? Nah, it's just a regular shirt. Nothing special about it.

Tom:Should I get the mahogany cane or the ebony cane?

Jerry:Tom, you don't need a cane. You're not old.

Tom:It's not about age, Jerry. It's about style. A cane is a power accessory.

Tom:What's cracking?

Tom:What's cracking, baby?

Tom:What's cracking, sexy mama?

Tom:What's cracking, you beautiful son of a gun?

Tom:What's cracking, you absolute unit of human perfection?

Justin:Tom, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. That suit is not working.

Tom:What? No, this is fire. I look like a sexy snowman.

Ron Swanson:A man in a vest is a man with a plan.

Leslie Knope:That's not true at all.

Ron Swanson:Look at any historical figure of note. Always wearing a vest.

April Ludgate:Most of them were wearing full suits.

Ron Swanson:The vest was the important part.

Nick Newport Jr.:Does your dog enjoy our delicious Sweetums brand dog food? Well, not yet.

Ron:I'm not against parks. I'm just saying they'd be more efficient if they were privately run. You could monetize every aspect.

Ron:Want to walk on the grass? That'll be fifty cents. Looking at ducks? A dollar. Breathing the fresh air? Two dollars.

Ron:Sitting on a bench? That's five dollars. And if you want to actually feed the ducks, well, you need to purchase a special duck-feeding license for twenty-five dollars.

Ron:Smiling at nature? That's going to cost you. We'd have vendors everywhere collecting payments. The government couldn't run anything this efficiently.

Tom:Yo, that's a nice truck, Mark. Did Xzibit pimp it out?

Mark:What? No. I just... bought it like this.

Tom:Mmmhmm, sure you did.

Tom:Mark, you are the most talented, intelligent, and physically attractive man I have ever met.

Mark:What do you want?

Tom:Hey Mark, can you help me move? I need to borrow your truck.

Mark:Yeah, sure.

Tom:Great! We can take the Mark-mobile!

Mark:I'd love to help Tom move, but I can't think of an excuse.

Mark:I agreed to help Tom move. I didn't think about it. I just said yes. Now I'm realizing I have to spend my Saturday helping Tom move into some apartment that probably has a weird smell and is filled with his stupid furniture that he bought at some discount warehouse.

Mark:And of course Tom's going to want to borrow my truck. Everyone always wants to borrow my truck. 'Hey Mark, can I use your truck? Hey Mark, my truck's in the shop, can I borrow yours?' No. Get your own truck.

Andy:I'll help you move! I'm really strong and I've got great cardio from all my breakdancing.

Andy:Plus, you're gonna have all those cardboard boxes lying around, right? That's basically free breakdancing equipment.

Andy:April, you volunteering? That's amazing!

April:Yeah, well... I'm here now.

Andy:This is so great! What made you want to help?

April:Ben said if I didn't come, he'd tell everyone about the time I cried at a dog food commercial.

Tom:That's actually really sweet. Your grandparents still have that spark, you know? I think that's beautiful. I hope me and my future wife are still doing that when we're old.

Leslie:Ron, can you drive?

Ron:I have a precise calculation. I've made a chart.

Leslie:A chart of what?

Ron:Blood alcohol content versus my ability to operate a vehicle. According to my data, I'm actually a better driver after exactly four whiskeys.

Ron:Leslie, what is this chart?

Leslie:It's a blood alcohol content reference guide. You can use it to determine how many drinks you can safely have based on your body weight and—

Ron:I see. And what is this section here at the bottom?

Leslie:Oh, that's blackjack instructions.

Ron:Why would you put blackjack instructions on a blood alcohol chart?

Leslie:Because if you're drunk enough to need this chart, you're probably drunk enough to want to play blackjack.

Ron:My father put whiskey on my cereal when I was a boy.

Ron:That's why I can drink so much without getting drunk.

Ron:I made this after drinking an entire bottle of scotch.

Ron:It's a birdhouse. Dovetail joints, mortise and tenon construction, hand-planed wood.

Ron:I have no idea how I did that.

Ron:I have nothing to hide. Here's photographic evidence of my drinking.

Ron:Today's newspaper. My whiskey. My face. Proof of life.

Tom:Mark, where's all your moving equipment? Dolly, hand truck, something?

Mark:I don't own a dolly, Tom. I'm a 40-year-old man who lives alone and has accepted that.

Jerry:These energy bars are terrific!

Andy:Actually, they're terrible, Jerry.

Jerry:No, I'm pretty sure they're terrific.

Andy:Jerry, terrific means good.

Jerry:I know what terrific means, Andy. And these bars are it.

Jerry:Krackel bars are basically healthy. They're mostly rice.

Ann:Rice doesn't make candy healthy, Jerry.

Jerry:Well, it should.

Ann:Andy, you can't just eat bacon and think it's a vegetable because it comes from a pig and pigs eat vegetables.

Tom:Ann, these energy bars are gonna change your life. They're packed with nutrients, they taste amazing, and they'll give you the energy you need to get through the day.

Ann:Tom, I'm not really interested in energy bars.

Tom:Well, that's the thing. Looking at you, I'd say you could use all the help you can get. These bars will really... improve things. Visually, I mean. For you.

Ann:Are you seriously trying to insult me into buying your energy bars?

Tom:Is it working?

Leslie:These energy bars are completely healthy. They have all the nutrients you need.

Ann:Leslie, they're 90% sugar.

Leslie:Well, Oprah endorsed them, so...

Ann:I'm getting involved because these issues matter to me.

Ann:We need to address the challenges, the obstacles, the complications, the difficulties, the problems, and frankly, the chunk monsters in this community.

Librarian:Well, actually, libraries are still very important institutions.

Leslie:Oh really? Because the last time I checked, Google exists. So unless you're planning to alphabetize the entire internet, I think we're good.

Marcia:Oh my, someone checked out 'How to Identify and Treat Hemorrhoids'.

Leslie:That's not mine!

Leslie:You know what? Forget the Dewey Decimal System! It's more like the Dewey Decimal Nightmare!

Leslie:Ron, don't you care about the health and well-being of our citizens?

Ron:No. I don't care about people's health. And I don't think the government should be involved in people's health decisions. If someone wants to smoke a cigarette, they should be allowed to smoke a cigarette. If someone wants to drink a beer, they should be allowed to drink a beer. The government has no right to tell people what to do.

Paul:Why do you keep calling sidebars?

Leslie:Because you keep doing things that require sidebars!

Paul:What things?

Leslie:You know what things. You wore a turtleneck to my house.

Tom:So there's this Canadian version of the movie where all the dialogue is rapped.

Tom:It's called 'The Maple Leaf Remix.'

Tom:Welcome to my bedroom. As you can see, I've spared no expense. Italian marble floors, a bed made from the finest Egyptian cotton, and a closet that's basically a small department store.

Tom:I also have a sauna, a steam room, and a personal masseuse on call 24/7. And that's just the entryway.

Tom:This is DJ Roomba. It's a Roomba with a mini DJ setup on top of it. So it cleans your floor while simultaneously DJing your party.

Tom:I've been working on the name. I'm thinking either 'The Dust- turner' or 'Roombarton Barton'... no, I like DJ Roomba better.

Tom:Yo, yo, yo, check it out. We got DJ Roomba in the house!

Tom:That's what I'm talking about. Keep it spinning, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ron Swanson:I think it's beautiful. People have the right to make their own choices about what they put in their bodies, even if those choices lead to their death.

Ann:Sugar is terrible for you. It rots your teeth, it makes you fat, it causes diabetes.

Jerry:But it tastes so good!

Ann:That's because God wants you to die.

Citizen:Is corn syrup really that bad for you?

Jerry:Well, actually, corn syrup comes from corn, which is a vegetable, so it's basically health food.

April:Corn isn't a vegetable, Jerry. It's a grain.

Jerry:No, no, I'm pretty sure corn is a fruit.

Ben:It's definitely not a fruit, Jerry.

Jerry:Well, what about corn on the cob? That's basically a vegetable.

Citizen:I just wanted to say that you have really nice... um... healthcare policies.

Citizen:And I think we should all get together sometime. For health reasons.

Citizen:What about something healthier?

Ron Swanson:Bacon.

Multiple Citizens:Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!

Donna:Nobody touches my car. Nobody. I don't care if we're moving to a new office or a new planet.

Mark:Donna, we need to coordinate the trucks. Can you help organize—

Donna:Mark, that's what you're here for. I'm making sure my Lexus gets there in one piece. You handle the rest.

Mark:But I have to load my own desk and—

Donna:Mark. My car. Your problem. Figure it out.

Nick Newport Sr.:Here at Sweetums, we've perfected the art of animal fattening. We take lean livestock and through the power of corn syrup, we transform them into plump, juicy specimens ready for your dinner table. It's the same process we use on our consumers. I mean, customers.

Jean-Ralphio:Dude, we're not here to help you move.

Tom:What? Why are you here then?

Jean-Ralphio:We came to watch April tell you what a terrible job you're doing.

Tom:Yeah, I'd like to order a large pizza. And, uh, make sure it's brown and spicy... like me.

Pizza Worker:...What?

Tom:Just put extra pepperoni on it.

Nick Newport Sr.:Son of a bitch!

Tom:Jerry! You stepped on DJ Roomba! You killed him! I built him myself. He was like a son to me.

Leslie:Okay, everyone, we're going to have a completely fair and unbiased vote. Option one: we adopt my plan, which is brilliant and will save the town. Option two: we do nothing and let the town die.

Tom:Okay, okay, I've got it. What if we move to London for six months, then to Paris for three months, then back to Pawnee, but just for weekends?

April:That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Tom:Or—or we could move to a boat. We'd just be constantly moving. Problem solved.

Jean-Ralphio:Dude, Andy's like, so not chill. He probably listens to like, Nickelback or something.

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah bro, and I bet he does like, CrossFit or goes to SoulCycle or something lame like that.

Jean-Ralphio:Dude, he probably thinks Silly Bandz are still cool. What a loser.

Andy:Wait, wait. So you're saying that if I sleep with a man, that makes me gay?

Andy:But what if I think about a woman the whole time?

Andy:Wouldn't that make it straight?

Leslie:What are you eating?

Ron:Meat and eggs. Bacon, steak, a whole roasted chicken. And I'm washing it down with Scotch and a cigar.

Leslie:That's disgusting.

Ron:It's called the Swanson. I invented it. You can't have any.

Leslie:Ron, you can't keep eating like this. You're going to die.

Ron:That's fine.

Leslie:It's not fine! I've actually already written your eulogy.

Ron:Well, let's hear it.

Leslie:It's really good.

Leslie:Ron's eulogy was basically a swan song. Or as I like to call it... a Swanson song.

Jerry:Hey April, want to go rollerblading with me this weekend?

April:No.

Jerry:Come on, it'll be fun. I used to be really good at it.

Jerry:I mean, I'm a little heavier now, so I mostly just... roll downhill and try to remember how to stop.

Jerry:I don't fall. I'm very coordinated on rollerblades.

Jerry:*falls*

Tom:Jerry, you broke DJ Roomba. So here's what's gonna happen. When I die, I'm gonna come back and haunt you. And you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna follow you around playing nothing but Nickelback for all eternity.