Sweetums

Hi, I'm Tom Haverford. I work at the Parks Department. It's a little douchie.

Who am I supposed to ask for fashion advice? Jerry? He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day.

Justin's my savior. He's like an issue of GQ that's come to life.

Tommy Timberlake. You look like Encyclopedia Brown.

Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up? 'Cause I didn't even notice.

Be honest. Which cane do you like better? Dragon? Serpent?

Belt buckle, says, 'What's cracking?' I can have it say whatever I want. It can say, 'What's cracking? I'm Tom. What's cracking, girl? What's cracking, boo?'

Well, as far as white, leather suits go... It's horrible. I like it.

Wow, that family looks so healthy. Look at them. They're all wearing vests!

Sorry, shoelace, we don't make nutriyums For dogs... Yet.

Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck.

Brendanawicz! Quick question, do you personally know Xzibit? Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours, and that ride is pimped!

It's really nice of you to compliment my pickup truck with no ulterior motives.

You can bring up the Mark-mobile, help me move, right?

I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse right now, so, yes. I'll help you.

I (fucking) hate having a pickup truck.

Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from the boxes and use it for break dancing.

'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.

I think that that's really, really sweet, that your grandparents still make love.

What are you, 5'11", 210 pounds, three whiskeys? Looks like you are just over the line into impaired.

You carry that with you all the time? It comes in handy. And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack.

Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol. My old man used to put Wild Turkey on his Corn Flakes.

After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp, using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander.

Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper, so you can tell that I'm not lying.

I'm not a mover! I'm a sap who owns a truck.

Terrific's not more than amazing, Jerry. No? Well, it's not less.

Krackel bars, also healthy and delicious. No, they're not. Yeah. They actually have rice in them. So...

Andy, you're fine, but you're simple.

Ann! Oh! Look at you! You're looking pretty unhealthy today. You might need one of these, NutriYum, by Sweetums.

No, they're not. There's a picture of Lance Armstrong on there. Yeah, but look at the ingredients.

Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. I call them like I see them.

You're pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the Internet.

You seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called Mysteries of the Female Orgasm.

Punk-ass book jockeys!

I care about the people's right to consume whatever they want.

Sidebar, Paul. Ron's upset because I didn't let him drive last night.

Dude, Deep Blue Sea. Greatest movie ever made. That's the Canadian version, 22 extra minutes, and there's a bonus audio track where LL Cool J raps all his dialog.

No, it's a spare room I converted into a walk-in closet/home fitness center.

I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor cleaning robots. I call him 'DJ Roomba.'

What's hot, DJ Roomba? DJ Roomba, tearing it up!

The whole point of this country is, if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.

If sugar is so bad, how come Jesus made it taste so good?

What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush.

Well, the point is, my friend thinks you're cute. Give me your number so he can have it.

I think we ought to throw those bars out and eat ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches. Ham and mayonnaise!

Uh-uh. That's it. My baby has a delicate suspension. Put it in your truck, Brendanawicz.

Cheap, delicious, sugary corn is currently being used by farms to fatten up their cows and pigs. Look how fat those cows are! Fat, happy and docile, the way we like them.

No, we just thought it'd be funny to see April doing physical labor.

Why don't you get some Canadian bacon on it, since you're from Canada. And sausage, 'cause I am brown and spicy.

Denver, you little son of a bitch.

Jerry! You stepped on DJ Roomba! You killed him! I built him myself. He was like a son to me.

All those who would like the bloated corpse of the government to keep running the snack bars at taxpayer expense, raise your hands. And all those in favor of letting this heartless corporation, Sweetums, stuff your children with sugary crap, raise your hand.

Everybody go home, pack away my stuff in your own houses. Then on Monday, pack it back up, meet me at my new place, unload it there.

Just chillaxin' like your new bro, Andy. Yeah. Wanna play some Hacky Sack later, maybe listen to Blues Traveler?

You know, for a gay couple, you guys are being really gay.

I call this 'turf and turf.' It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar.

By the way, maybe it's none of my business, but if you eat three pounds of steak every day, you're gonna die, and although I've already written your eulogy, and it's incredibly touching, I would prefer not to give it for a while.

'O Captain! My Captain! Ron Swanson, a swan song.' Yeah, and it gets better from there.

You wanna watch me rollerblade in the parking lot after work? I'm pretty awesome. I used to be really good. That was, like, 70 pounds ago.

Just kidding! I don't fall!

This is the ghost of DJ Roomba. Why did you kill me? I'm gonna haunt you, Jerry. I'm gonna follow you and play the Black Eyed Peas on a non-stop loop!