Donna Meagle

Donna:I was learning disabled, and my mom cast a very long shadow.

Donna:Marlene Griggs-Knope is morbidly obese.

Donna:Well, you look good, girl. You're gonna turn somebody tonight.

Tom · Donna:Would you rather be able to fly or speak fluent French? Donna, go. / French.

Donna:You opened the gates. To crazy town.

Andy · Donna:If you had to choose, who would you choose? Right now, on the spot. / I'm not sure. Why don't you spin around for me.

Leslie · Donna:That's not true. I've seen your fingernails. / I pay someone to do this.

Donna:I love you, Tom. You're my little prince. Just want to put you in a little cape and a little hat and just fly you around.

Donna:Uh-uh. That's it. My baby has a delicate suspension. Put it in your truck, Brendanawicz.

Donna · Tom:I'm out. Why? I hate that guy.

Tom · Donna:What are you doing here? I bought three shares. Thanks for the tip.

Donna · Tom:I'll take it. / Donna, there's a camera in it. / I know.

Donna:There was this one, How Far is Too Far Enough: The Teri Palliber Lonergan Story. This woman had agoraphobia and her therapist was obsessed with her, and he hid in her house. And then he attacked her and tried to eat her toes. Also, her daughter was having sex way too young.

Donna:That's horrible. I have to nap up. If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Donna:Oh, I called him. He's in Liberia visiting my uncle. He wants to know what happened on Lost.

Donna:And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinnylegs McGee.

Donna:We're in the jungle. There are no friends here. It's every woman for herself.

Donna:Dating is a zero-sum game. If you get a man, I don't get that man.

Donna:Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell from the movie Nell?

Donna:'Hope we can get together soon.' Okay, now you write, 'Who is this?'

Donna:Every time I want you to shut up, from now on.

Donna:But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man. He won't quit.

Donna · Glenn:Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole? Actually, I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.

Tom · Donna:Donna, you look amazing. How are the kids? I don't have kids. Wow. How long has it been? Three weeks.

Donna · Leslie:He just seems so happy. I didn't say anything.

Donna:Needles in your face, pleasure in your base.

Ben · Donna:I really want this dress, and I like this crystal beetle, but it's expensive and there's no use for it. / Donna Meagle? Treat Yourself.

Donna:Wyatt, if you could blow big money on one thing, not sock money, what would it be?

Donna:Uh-oh. Batman's crying.

Chris · Donna:You are a policewoman. Yep. You're a regular... Sherlock Holmes. I solved that mystery before you did.

Donna:You're too accessible. Every time she calls, you answer. You gotta dangle the carrot, literally and metaphorically.

Donna:Um, khakis and button-down shirts-- your basic white people clothes.

Donna:Oh, hell, no. I have ruined my share of hotel rooms, and trust me, nothing sexual happened in that room.

Tom · Donna:Did you just scoop it out of the jar with your hand like a bear? Yes.

Donna:I WROTE 'TOM.'

Donna:ALL I KNOW IS THAT I JUST WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD THAT'S A BETTER PLACE, AND YOUR CONTRIBUTION WILL DEFINITELY HELP US GET THERE, TO THE... [sighs] BETTER-PLACE WORLD, FRED.

Donna:I have several men in rotation. One's waiting for me out in the car. Don't worry. I rolled down the window.

Donna:My dentist is 80, and he's gay and he's taken.

Donna:When you two spoon, who spoons who?

Donna:We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.

Donna:And if you listen closely, that is the bubbling of the hot tub. You do not have access to it.

Donna · Tom:Ginuwine's my cousin. Ginuwine? The Ginuwine is your cousin?

Donna:I would like to address the fact that rule number seven says, 'no pets,' and yet there is a three-legged animal in my living room.

Donna:Do I look like I drink water?

Donna:This cat was in Boogie Nights?

Donna:As someone who has lied a lot about various aspects of a myriad of relationships, I respect the effort you've gone to.

Ron · Donna:Well, how do I get I.T. Here? / Call 311.

Donna:Living in this town's like living in the devil's butt crack.

Donna:Lay the mother on her side and try to move the baby in a corkscrew fashion.

Donna:I took my talents to South Beach.

Donna:Yes, I took your government computer from Indiana to Miami to sell it on the black market for 150 bucks.

Donna:Hello, my name is Donatella Breckinridge, M.D. I graduated first in my class from Harvard Medical School, so I know what I'm talking about. This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1."

Jerry · Donna:We got all the way to Muncie before we realized that it was just a drill. / I mean, all I'm saying is you could've called. / No one had your cell number, Big "J."

Donna · Jerry:There's a Li'l Sebastian look-alike on the way-- what? What? Oh, my G-- Oh! Oh.

Tom · Jerry · Donna:Did you just pee your pants? Just a dab. You nasty, Jerry. Third time this week.

Donna:Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it. Everybody on that show can get it.

Jerry · Tom · Donna:Multiple confusing Jerry retirement timeline statements

Donna:Cost of living is cheap. In about three years, I will have saved enough to pay off my condo in Seattle.

Leslie · Donna:You have a condo in Seattle? / Yes, I like the rain and the fish markets.

Andy · Donna:How many people am I talking to, Donna? One or 1 1/9? / Are you asking me if I'm pregnant?

Donna:I'm talking pedicures on pedicures on pedicures.

Donna:Hashtag quest for coffee, blowin' up my timeline. You get my snapchat about it?

Donna:I live for the grid. It's where I meet 40% of my jump-offs.

Tom · Donna:Grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid-- If you help me get off the grid, I will let both of you go home early. No grid, no grid, no grid, no grid.

Craig · Donna:Oh, that is the perfect name for you. I love it. Never change it! Wasn't gonna.

Donna:I've got the condo in Seattle, the fiance in Denver. - Huh? - It won't last.

Donna:Not to give you too much of a peek into my personal life, but this could have been way worse.

Donna · Typhoon:Damn it, Typhoon! Why'd you do this? Maybe if you had bothered to come to my Great Gatsby Brunch, you'd know.

Donna · Leslie:Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean, I thought that was your thing. My thing? My thing is not being annoying.

Donna:Hey, you know you're supposed to hit the deer, right?

Donna · Ron:I thought you were serious. / Come on, now. You know I don't give a [bleep].

Donna · Ron:Why are you covered in blood? / Don't worry. It's not human.

Ron · Donna:Now, that's what I call shooting. / That's a new record. / Hey, look at that. You finally made it into the top ten. / Now, you can enter your initials. / My initials are private.

Donna · Ron:Oof, you got a long way to go, Swanson. / I regret everything.

Donna:Spladow! Check it. 'Regal Meagle Realty.' 'Find your castle.'

Donna · Ann · Tom:But now that you're officially out of the dating pool, you know I'm gonna run this town, right? Ooh. Oh, yeah, you do not wanna go down that road. Trust me, I tried.

Donna:Why lie? I'm shopping. Back in an hour.

Donna:I'm about to hunt you down.

Donna:I'm about to come down on this dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. I'm about to go Mjolnir on his ass!

Donna:You tried to adopt a cat last week and I turned you down, because I thought it was too sad for you to have six cats. Then you tried to blow up my spot online. You're fired.

Kyle · Donna:You're not my boss, I work for the city attorney's office. You're fired.

Donna:It was a review of a funeral home that said 'Great first date spot.'

April · Donna:Your lipstick looks weird. You're gonna want to shut your mouth right now.

Donna:I'm listening to Jaleel Or No Deal. It's a podcast where the kid who played Urkel reviews old Deal Or No Deal episodes. It's pointless, and I love it.

Donna:Where do you think I got that crystal Buddha head above my jacuzzi?

Donna:Well, for live tweeting, it's Scandal. For binge watching, it's Scandal. But for fashion, it's actually Scandal. My answer is Scandal.

Donna:I've gotten two annulments. One for pleasure, and one to cap off a long con I was running against Keith Sweat.

Donna:You're better than that, Knope.

Donna · April:We love your crazy ass too, Knope. / I think you're fine. Like a solid B-minus.

Donna:I was dating an older fella back then. Like I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Duke to the final four.

April · Donna:How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves? That's not true. He loves a lot of dumb stuff, but he loves you the most.

Donna:[Shouts] What? Ron Swanson asking for help?

Donna:He's my Tammy.

Donna:I go insane.

Donna:I understand this problem well and agree to this exchange of services.

Donna:I'm getting a picture of you volunteering at a public elementary school in case I ever need to blackmail you.

Donna:Do you remember the time when you put sleeping pills in my soda? I fell right over in the middle of a town hall meeting.

Donna:You made a video of it and showed it at my birthday party.

Donna:Yeah, um, I have got an itch that I have not been able to get to all day, and even against the wall, nothing will do it.

Donna:When we're together, all we do is have sex, sit on the couch, eat homemade pasta, have sex again.

Donna:It's a nightmare. I become boring.

Donna:I'll wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing.

Donna:You're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. It suits you.

Donna:Fine, but if he raises his voice once, once, I'm out.

Donna:Yeah. Ron hired Regal Meagle Realty to broker the deal. And I'm gonna need the money for my wedding. Shia LaBeouf designed wedding dresses do not come cheap.

Donna:I got banned from every riverboat in Germany.

Donna:'Honeybear' and 'Sugar Plum' are the special names Joe and I call each other. / Aww. / Yeah, we're adorable, but this is creepy.

Donna · Leslie:You wanna put me on blast? I'ma put you on Front Street. / I don't understand what that means, but I think I get the context, and I love it.

Donna:but I kind of like the grocery store one, too.

Tom · Donna:Treat Yo' Self 2017!

Tom · Donna:Treat Yo' Self. In Beverly Hills!

Donna:Treat yo' self.