Donna Meagle

I was learning disabled, and my mom cast a very long shadow.

Marlene Griggs-Knope is morbidly obese.

Well, you look good, girl. You're gonna turn somebody tonight.

Would you rather be able to fly or speak fluent French? Donna, go. / French.

You opened the gates. To crazy town.

If you had to choose, who would you choose? Right now, on the spot. / I'm not sure. Why don't you spin around for me.

That's not true. I've seen your fingernails. / I pay someone to do this.

I love you, Tom. You're my little prince. Just want to put you in a little cape and a little hat and just fly you around.

Uh-uh. That's it. My baby has a delicate suspension. Put it in your truck, Brendanawicz.

I'm out. Why? I hate that guy.

What are you doing here? I bought three shares. Thanks for the tip.

I'll take it. / Donna, there's a camera in it. / I know.

There was this one, How Far is Too Far Enough: The Teri Palliber Lonergan Story. This woman had agoraphobia and her therapist was obsessed with her, and he hid in her house. And then he attacked her and tried to eat her toes. Also, her daughter was having sex way too young.

That's horrible. I have to nap up. If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Oh, I called him. He's in Liberia visiting my uncle. He wants to know what happened on Lost.

And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinnylegs McGee.

Who said anything about a boyfriend? / Use him, abuse him, lose him.

Beat it, Donna. / Aye, aye, captain.

We're in the jungle. There are no friends here. It's every woman for herself.

Dating is a zero-sum game. If you get a man, I don't get that man.

Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell from the movie Nell?

'Hope we can get together soon.' Okay, now you write, 'Who is this?'

Every time I want you to shut up, from now on.

Snitches get stitches.

Back of my Benz? Let's check in with your boo! He said, 'Her Mercedes'! Jerry and Donna on fire.

But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man. He won't quit.

Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole? Actually, I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.

Donna, you look amazing. How are the kids? I don't have kids. Wow. How long has it been? Three weeks.

He just seems so happy. I didn't say anything.

Needles in your face, pleasure in your base.

I really want this dress, and I like this crystal beetle, but it's expensive and there's no use for it. / Donna Meagle? Treat Yourself.

Wyatt, if you could blow big money on one thing, not sock money, what would it be?

Uh-oh. Batman's crying.

You are a policewoman. Yep. You're a regular... Sherlock Holmes. I solved that mystery before you did.

You're too accessible. Every time she calls, you answer. You gotta dangle the carrot, literally and metaphorically.

Um, khakis and button-down shirts-- your basic white people clothes.

Oh, hell, no. I have ruined my share of hotel rooms, and trust me, nothing sexual happened in that room.

Did you just scoop it out of the jar with your hand like a bear? Yes.

I WROTE 'TOM.'

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I JUST WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD THAT'S A BETTER PLACE, AND YOUR CONTRIBUTION WILL DEFINITELY HELP US GET THERE, TO THE... [sighs] BETTER-PLACE WORLD, FRED.

I have several men in rotation. One's waiting for me out in the car. Don't worry. I rolled down the window.

My dentist is 80, and he's gay and he's taken.

When you two spoon, who spoons who?

We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.

And if you listen closely, that is the bubbling of the hot tub. You do not have access to it.

Ginuwine's my cousin. Ginuwine? The Ginuwine is your cousin?

I would like to address the fact that rule number seven says, 'no pets,' and yet there is a three-legged animal in my living room.

Do I look like I drink water?

This cat was in Boogie Nights?

Fixed it. What? What? How? Jerry accidentally deletes things all the time. Ten years ago, I installed my own secret backup.

As someone who has lied a lot about various aspects of a myriad of relationships, I respect the effort you've gone to.

Well, how do I get I.T. Here? / Call 311.

Living in this town's like living in the devil's butt crack.

Lay the mother on her side and try to move the baby in a corkscrew fashion.

I hope no one minds if I live tweet this bitch.

In the fifth one, the canoe's actually the hero. It's a crazy twist.

I took my talents to South Beach.

Yes, I took your government computer from Indiana to Miami to sell it on the black market for 150 bucks.

I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.

My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know

What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies. I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude. Look like Blake Griffin

Merry critches, bitches!

Did you just pee your pants? Just a dab

Third time this week

Cost of living is cheap. In about three years, I will have saved enough to pay off my condo in Seattle.

Yes, I like the rain and the fish markets.

When did you make the switch to boxer briefs?

Oh, that is the perfect name for you. I love it. Never change it! Wasn't gonna.

I've got the condo in Seattle, the fiance in Denver. - Huh? - It won't last.

Not to give you too much of a peek into my personal life, but this could have been way worse.

Damn it, Typhoon! Why'd you do this? Maybe if you had bothered to come to my Great Gatsby Brunch, you'd know.

Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean, I thought that was your thing. My thing? My thing is not being annoying.

Hey, you know you're supposed to hit the deer, right?

I thought you were serious. / Come on, now. You know I don't give a [bleep].

Why are you covered in blood? / Don't worry. It's not human.

Now, that's what I call shooting. / That's a new record. / Hey, look at that. You finally made it into the top ten. / Now, you can enter your initials. / My initials are private.

Oof, you got a long way to go, Swanson. / I regret everything.

Keep walking, 98. Skill positions only for Donna Meagle.

That was so spot-on, it was scary. I need to go lie down for 45 minutes. No, an hour... a full hour.

Spladow! Check it. 'Regal Meagle Realty.' 'Find your castle.'

Ron, you want to stay outside and do nothing while they make your cabin look like garbage? I'd like that very much. We can watch the shadows get longer.

I can't shower in five minutes

Why are you yelling? Tom put all my records into this rectangle!

Donna, are you grabbing my butt? Can you blame me? No!

Why lie? I'm shopping. Back in an hour.

I'm about to come down on this dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. I'm about to go Mjolnir on his ass!

You tried to adopt a cat last week and I turned you down, because I thought it was too sad for you to have six cats. Then you tried to blow up my spot online. You're fired.

You're not my boss, I work for the city attorney's office. You're fired.

It was a review of a funeral home that said 'Great first date spot.'

Your lipstick looks weird. You're gonna want to shut your mouth right now.

I'm listening to Jaleel Or No Deal. It's a podcast where the kid who played Urkel reviews old Deal Or No Deal episodes. It's pointless, and I love it.

Rome's played out. Have y'all been to Kuala Lumpur? I go all the time. Where do you think I got that crystal Buddha head above my jacuzzi?

Well, for live tweeting, it's Scandal. For binge watching, it's Scandal. But for fashion, it's actually Scandal. My answer is Scandal.

I've gotten two annulments. One for pleasure, and one to cap off a long con I was running against Keith Sweat.

Press the paw. Hi, Leslie. It's Ann. I love you, and everything's gonna be okay.

Like I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Duke to the final four.

Donna's wine shortage: 'Aw, man, this wine bottle is all out of the wine'

[Shouts] What? Ron Swanson asking for help?

I'm getting a picture of you volunteering at a public elementary school in case I ever need to blackmail you.

He's constantly being respectful, wanting to spend time with me, trying to 'connect' with me. It's a nightmare. I become boring.

I promise not to cheat on you if you promise not to try to pin me down too fast.

I'll wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing.

You're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. It suits you.

Your family has made you a more patient and empathetic person. You take that back.

You're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. It suits you.

Fine, but if he raises his voice once, once, I'm out. Please don't stick to that policy.

Unless you want me to get on stage and talk about how we used to take baths together. How you cried whenever I took away your rubber duckies. Damn, Donna, why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?

Fine, but if he raises his voice once, once, I'm out.

Unless you want me to get on stage and talk about how we used to take baths together. How you cried whenever I took away your rubber duckies. Damn, Donna, why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?

Shia LaBeouf designed wedding dresses do not come cheap.

Saturn's Return.

When I was your age, I got banned from every riverboat in Germany.

That feud is, like, Biggie-Tupac level. Maybe even Morgan Freeman-Shailene Woodley level. Naw. It's bad, but it's not that bad.

Honeybear and Sugar Plum are the special names Joe and I call each other. Yeah, we're adorable, but this is creepy.

You wanna put me on blast? I'ma put you on Front Street.

Maybe it's because he's my fiancé and I love him, but I kind of like the grocery store one, too.

Treat Yo' Self. Treat Yo' Self 2017!

Ha ha! We real cute.

And I love you like a sister. - Ew.

The Meagles are a cold-blooded crew of judgmental grudge-holders.

My cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my grandpa's house, and he wrote her out of his will.

The last four Meagle family Pictionary tournaments ended at the hospital.

Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an international flight together.

But they give great gifts. Gotta get that flatware.

Well. Now no one gets any popcorn.

You kept yelling 'Team Voldemort!' At the screen and we were kicked out. I was furious. You only get to see the second Twilight film for the seventh time once.

We are very different people.

That crazy story about you getting kicked out of En Vogue. Technically, I kicked them out.

You can watch them build the new Space Haystack around the Space Needle.

I can hardly see the needle anymore. I know. It's kind of the point.

I think it's all that coffee and legal marijuana. Has people wanting to buy houses quickly and irrationally.

Call Satan's niece.

I single-handedly started that door-knockers earring trend.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm out of your league, and you need to move on. What? Sorry. I stopped listening when you called me sugarpea.

I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron. Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes, I'm a Don.