Ann Perkins

Ann:I'm ann perkins. Uh, I'm a nurse, and frankly, I don't really care for politics.

Ann:My boyfriend, who is a musician-- actually, I support him-- but anyway, he fell in and broke both his legs.

Tom · Ann:Just become more adventurous in relationships with your body, just in-- Are you--are you actually hitting on me right now?

Ann:I think it's probably just a photo op for her. I mean, I don't think anybody in government actually cares about--

Andy · Ann:Doorbell! Yeah, I heard it. Doorbell! I heard it. I'm getting it.

Ann:It's really not that big of a pit.

Ann · Leslie:It's not broken. It is. Do you have one of those neck foam collar brace things? Honestly, you're-- you're fine. Oh, honestly, my clavicle's broken.

Andy · Ann · Leslie:Oh, hey, baby, if you're going to the kitchen, could you make me pancakes real quick? Uh, sure. Ooh, are pancakes being made? Yeah, sure.

Leslie · Ann:Would it change your mind if we told you that... She's gone.

Ann · Leslie:What? Stay on message again? / Yes, it's that important. It's one and two.

Ann:Wait. Did I ever get it?

Ann · Andy:Wait. You were drunk? / Oh, yeah. Totally. / You knew that. / I didn't know that, no.

Ann · Andy:You should've told me, because we gave you anesthesia at the hospital. / I was probably not thinking 'cause I had two broken femurs and I was blackout drunk.

Ann:Thank you so much for bringing that up in front of a reporter.

Leslie · Ann:There was one annoying thing. She and Mark had sex with each other. / You're kidding. / I wish I was, but I'm not. They did it.

Andy · Ann · Leslie:Called it. I called that. / You remember that? Yeah. / He did, actually. He totally called that.

Andy · Ann:I bet he didn't use a condom. / Andy, God!

Leslie · Ann:'Pretty drunk, Ann's on the pill.' / I didn't 'throw up,' I spit up.

Ann · Leslie:Maybe those are his relatives. Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family.

Ann:You have a friend who has a tattoo that says, 'Daddy's Girl.' And both words are misspelled.

Ann:Smart woman. Iffy choice in men. But then again, I'm not one to talk.

Andy · Ann:Somebody is getting gently laid tonight. Andy! God!

Ann:Well, 'cause I would feel a little silly putting on a nice dress to go to the couch.

Ann:Yeah, friend. She's--we're friends. Just friends. I have a boyfriend. He's a man.

Ann:This is my evening. I'm Leslie's trophy wife.

Ann:Andy, I can't leave now. I'll get one for you on the way home. Okay, meatball and ham. Wait, is that two different subs? Really? I don't think they can do that.

Ann:You hit on chicks, for real?

Ann:Cool Ranch, got it. Anything else?

Ann:There was definitely some truth about that thing you said about me and Andy.

Ann:It's one of those rare songs that rocks really hard, and also informs people about a small public works project.

Ann:They should change their name to Big, Lying Baby. Or Where's My Sandwich? Or Don't Forget To Bring Home Beers After Work.

Mark · Ann:But if I were, would you be interested? No. Okay.

Tom · Ann:Pawnee has a gay bar? Yeah. The Bulge. It's behind my house.

Ann:I think when his head hit the ground, it must've knocked something loose, because he's actually a pretty nice guy now.

Ann:And Andy, after we broke up, he told me he was going to Kansas to climb mountains.

Ann:don't use the words 'medical emergency.'

Andy · Ann:What? Can I come in? I just want to talk to you for a second.

Leslie · Ann:Hos before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries.

Ann:When Andy and I used to go to the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.

Ann:You know, with a body like this, you don't get the brains too. That was silly.

Mark · Ann:I have been a perfect gentleman this evening. In fact, watch this. I would like you to now please invite me in for a nightcap. Not a chance. No. Just watch... watch what I'm gonna do. Ask me in for a nightcap. Will you come in for a nightcap? Yes, I will. No, no, damn. Drats, I was gonna plan to not.

Mark · Ann:You kind of kissed me. Yes, I did, and now we both have herpes.

Ann · Mark:We didn't think you were a pervert. We thought you were a criminal. For the record, I still actually kind of think he's a pervert.

Leslie · Ann:I mean, could you date someone who doesn't love giving vaccinations? - I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.

Ann:Well, I'll see you tonight for the weirdest second date ever.

Ann:You live down here. I can't believe this is happening. I can't be at my house and see my ex-boyfriend living in a hole in my backyard like a gopher.

Ann:A good chef never reveals her secrets. It's hot sauce.

Ann:No, dummy, just you.

Ann:You said they might not know what toilet paper is.

Ann · Leslie:Do you see the problem here? Yes, but I don't want to.

Tom · Ann:Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money. Con, not quite sure why that's a pro.

Ann · Tom:Pro and con never works. Pro, yes, it does.

Andy · Ann:What does he have that I don't have? Are you serious? Everything.

Ann:He has literally everything that you don't have: a job, a car, a steady income, an address, a second pair of shoes, table manners, the ability to say 'tampon' without giggling.

Ann · Andy:Thank you so... Why are you naked? Because of what you said, we're getting back together.

Andy · Ann:You should've heard the sexy stuff she said. I said 'hey, Andy, it's Ann, can we talk at my house?' That's not how you said it, you were like, 'Hey, Andy, it's Ann, can you talk at my house?'

Ann:My God, you're such a baby. Literally. Big naked baby, put clothes on.

Ann:Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year.

Ann:Worlds colliding, always awkward.

April · Ann:You're not. Hey. Yeah, I'm gonna leave. Oh. Okay. This isn't that fun.

Ann:I actually think a library would be nice that close to my house. But I'm not about to say that in there.

Leslie · Ann:Ron's ex-wife? / That's terrific. Or is that awful? / He hates her, but he knows her. / Everything's okay. Or is it just the same? / You're thinking out loud again. / Am I? I am.

Ann:When we were dating, the only job he had was sending audition tapes to Survivor and Deal or no deal.

Ann · Jerry · Ann · Jerry:Who's the Jesus? / That would be Greg Kinnear. / I didn't know he was from Indiana. / Yeah, you know, I read that he was.

Jerry · Ann · Jerry · Ann · Jerry:He was great on ER... / Greg Kinnear wasn't in ER. / Yeah, he was. / I don't think that he was. / Who am I thinking of?

Tom · Ann:Ann's blows. / Don't hold back.

Ann · Jerry:It looks like he's carrying Kinnear into the burning building. / That's because he's moonwalking. So he... Should be goin' the other way.

Ann:Gross.

Ann · Tom:Your favorite cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying, your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. I love breakfast cereal.

Ron · Ann:Seve... Eight. But I washed 'em down with plenty of fluids. You cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now, okay? No, I'm not wasting 20-year scotch.

Ann · Leslie:That was a really good Ron. Thank you.

Ann:What a surprise running into you all day every day every single place that we are.

Ann:There's a really fun documentary about tandem bicycles at the art house. Supposed to be pretty unapologetic.

Ann:I kind of feel like Jane Goodall studying the chimps. 'Cause there are some feminist scholars who say that stripping is a feminist act.

Mark · Ann:Reggie Wayne! Dude! You remembered me complaining about my computer bag!

Ann:Interesting. That's uh, weird.

Ann:Oh, damn, now I have to go back.

Ann:He practically saved my life. He was, like, the only cool dude at my high school.

Ann:and I'll wait respectful amount of time. I don't know, maybe?

Ann:Well, maybe just have him over and cook him some chicken and tell him it's Pawnee cockatoo.

Ann · Leslie:No, I actually meant more like a one-on-one thing. I know what you meant, but I took your idea and I made it better. It's called a think tank, Ann.

Ann:Now, I can believe it.

Ann · Leslie:This newspaper's from November, 1986. Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra! Don't throw that out!

Ann:I think I need to call Child Services and have Leslie taken away from herself.

Ann:Your house is like a crazy person's garage.

Leslie · Ann:I might need it. What about this one? Well, if two birds come along?

Ann:Oh! Sex.

Ann · Leslie:I have the swine flu. Oh... No, she doesn't.

Jerry · Ann:Krackel bars, also healthy and delicious. No, they're not. Yeah. They actually have rice in them. So...

Ann:Andy, you're fine, but you're simple.

Leslie · Ann:No, they're not. There's a picture of Lance Armstrong on there. Yeah, but look at the ingredients.

Ann:Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. I call them like I see them.

Ann:Yes, nerd, on paper, This thing we have is pretty great.

Ann · Character with bear:Valentine's Day was a month ago. / Why are you giving it to me now? / Whatever. Happy early Valentine's Day.

Ann · Tom:This is one of those nanny-cam teddy bears, isn't it? / What? No. It's a regular, camera-less teddy bear.

April · Ann:Can I read your mail? / No. Please, don't. / Fine.

Ann · April:Don't let Tom make a copy. / That's right. Good.

Ann:I've seen the way she takes care of her house.

April · Ann:I don't like Ann. / Become friends. Who knows?

Ann · Chris:The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties? I love him. No. Jerry who works with Leslie.

Andy · Ann:Scrotation Marks. I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no.

Ann:How are people going to become fans if they literally don't know the name of the band they're listening to?

Ann:The problem is, when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother, and his maid and his nurse. He's completely helpless. He's like a baby in a straightjacket.

Ann:Ooh! 'Baby in a Straightjacket.' That's a good band name. I should tell him that.

Andy · Ann:Oh! What's up now, mugger? Ann, that was awesome. That was really good.

Ann:Since when did he start doing stuff for other people? Now, I actually am worried that something happened to his brain.

Ann:Happy six-month anniversary. I got you a gift. Uh, it's a chicken-salad sandwich.

Ann:Oh, don't worry about it. He's dead. Oh, my god. Oh, no, I'm just kidding. He's sleeping.

Ann:We don't have any pictures Of just the two of us. Plus, I've always said We should go on more dates with tom.

Tom · Ann:Maxim or good housekeeping? I'm not sure which one is the insult.

Ann · Leslie:Oh, I'm actually here to see mark. Right. Oh, well, thanks for the coffee. That's also for mark. Mm. I really need it though. But next time more sugar. Okay, thanks. Bye!

Citizen · Ann:Can you see this? Every time.

Ann:I have no idea what I was saying.

Ann:Sugar. It's a block of sugar.

Leslie · Ann:So, I may have parked on your front lawn. You did. I did.

Ann:And she's been asleep for twenty-two hours.

Ann:But I think I'm going to draw a mustache on her face.

Ann · Mark:Ann explaining to Mark that couples are 'supposed to fight' and 'supposed to miss each other even if they're only gone for 20 minutes'

Andy · Ann:Andy's enthusiastic greeting contrasted with Ann asking if she was a good girlfriend

Ann:Ann's drunk question: 'were there times that you were like, if I don't see Ann in, like, ten seconds, I'm gonna die?'

Ann:Ann's bitter realization: 'I dated him for three years. Now he's an adult with a job. And some other girl is gonna reap the rewards of my hard work? That's bull[bleep].'

Ann:Ann sarcastically praising Leslie: 'Leslie, that was so professional. I'm so proud of you.'

Ann:Ann's hangover crisis: 'I think I may have made out with someone last night' and her complete inability to remember who

Ann · Ron:Ann methodically asking every man she knows 'did we make out last night?' including the horrified Ron

Ben · Ann:The revelation that Ann was so drunk she gave Ben her phone instead of her phone number

Ann:Traditionally, when I end a long-term relationship, I'm a little fragile, and I have a tendency to do some reckless things. So I need to stay away from Chris.

Ann:Leslie's usually already up and often she's already on her way over.

Ann:A-Cakes.

Ann:Because I thought we had a great time the night you got drunk and kissed me. And you did use your tongue.

Leslie · Ann:Great. Let me ask you one question. Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does? Minus the money? / Definitely yes, then.

Ann · Leslie:For dinner? / Well, what's sexy food? Asparagus? / No, you know what's sexy? Turkey chili.

Leslie · Ann:Ann Perkins. You are wonderful and amazing and I'm happy to be here with you. / Thank you, Chris. I'm wearing a tuxedo vest with no shirt on underneath.

Ann · Leslie:Well, then, why don't you just come here and do it yourself? / Okay. Holy crap!

Ann:Except no one dresses up like a janitor when they want to be slutty.

Ann:My body's like a chip, too. A potato chip.

Ann:There was one time I thought he farted. But it was me.

Leslie · Ann:If I was sick, could I do this? [attempts cartwheels] What are you doing? Cartwheels. Am I not doing them? No.

Ann:I'm going to go into a supply closet and snap a bunch of tongue depressors.

April · Ann:I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you, and then disappeared through that hole in the wall. The door?

April · Ann:What the [BLEEP] is your problem? Whoa, I thought you weren't gonna lose it. While I was on duty, I didn't. Now it's just me.

Ann:Somehow that fish ended up dead in a cowboy boot.

Ann:I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged. Or the stuff itself. Or this house, even, really.

Ann · Chris:Wow, that's disgusting. Yes, it's very hard to drink.

Ann · Chris:Ketchup and mustard. - Ketchup and mustard, I just was... Oh! That is so delightful. I relish your wit.

Ann:Well, I salsa... your face.

Ann:He was an amazing dentist.

Ann · Ben:Sounds good. - No, no.

Chris · Ann:Oh, no. - Oh, no? - Oh, no. - No, no, no. I wasn't saying that...

Ann:I'm gonna leave the country. Bye, everybody. Bye.

Ann:No, I'm not. Um, I-I was just ribbing you.

Ann:My Brita filter is older than their relationship.

Ann:However, he proudly told me that he 'beat herpes.'

Ann:I'm a nurse, actually.

Ann:Don't freak out, but Joe from Sewage just unhooked your bra with his eyes.

Leslie · Ann:I was... Crap on a crayfish. That really stings. I haven't pricked you, yet.

Leslie · Ann:You're a monster. Still haven't done it, yet.

Leslie · Ann:Yellow-haired female. Likes waffles and news. Sexy, well-read blonde. Loves the sweeter things in life.

Leslie · Ann:Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn't sound fun. Jamming on my planner.

Leslie · Ann:Upstairs, there is this mural of wildflowers. And I like to sit on a bench in front of it. Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon. Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.

Ann · Leslie:What about, like, an actual meadow where wildflowers are? Eww, Ann. I'm scared of bees. Mural.

Leslie · Ann:He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ. I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.

Ann:Oh, my God. A 98% match? That's a soul mate-level match. I've never seen anything this high before.

Ann · April:He seems nice. Eh, he kind of lives in a barn.

Ann · Leslie:But for whatever reason, right now, only douchey guys are buying what you're selling. So, I should go and ask them what they think I'm selling. A douche-vestigation.

Ann · Leslie:You know what might make you feel better? - A hug? - Paxil. Do you want me to get you a prescription?

Ann:No, April, we would all die. Gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in.

Ann · Stuart:Stuart, please, could you give us, like, 45 minutes? It's my office, too. Stuart.

Ann · Ben:Leslie's busy, she's working on the Li'I Sebastian memorial service. But you know what? She did give me this note to give to you, and she also wanted me to kiss you deeply, which I'm going to have to pass on.

Ben · Ann:We just like to work in the same place, and then we talk and hold hands. Yuck, that's somehow worse.

Ann · Chris:Li'I Sebastian died? That's terrible. Yeah, well, he was old, and he had a lot of ailments. Like tendonitis? I don't know. I don't have his chart in front of me.

Chris · Ann:Is tendonitis symptomatic of something larger? Really, that's the question you wanted to ask me? I'm just very worried.

Chris · Ann:I did do 10,000 push-ups last week. Oh, really. That might have something to do with it.

Leslie · Ann:Multiple 'Yay!' exchanges followed by 'Wait. What does that mean about you and Ben? I don't know. I think it's going to be really bad.'

Ann · Leslie:Uh-oh! Do you want to go back to saying 'yay'? Yes, please. Yay! Yay!

Leslie · Ann:A penis. What? Oh, my God. Oh. It's emailing me, too.

Ann · Leslie:Wow! You opposite of broke up with him. He gave me an éclair, Ann.

Ann:Your inbox is literally filled with penises. Oh, look. Ed Miller from Payroll.

Ann:It's the entire Sanitation Department, from Muncie. Ugh!

Ann:That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps. I forgot to look. I was distracted, by the largest penis I have ever seen.

Ann:That is sad, but also, in this town, understandable

Ann:Great. Just as good, if not exactly the same, as the last one

Ann:I cannot believe I dated him. For a long time. And he broke up with me

Ann:Oh, right. That's why I dated him

Ann · April · Andy:Well, this guy came in. He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out. Was there a lot of blood? What kind of blade did he use? Three and a half inch. Serrated. Buckets of blood.

Ann · Leslie:Oh. I wasn't competing for that. / I'll say.

Ann:But they kind of turned out wrong, so they look like monsters.

Ann:In the fire.

Ann:You were grinding with her pretty hard at April's Halloween party.

Ann:Wow. A four-date-long relationship might not be 100% perfect? I think you should launch a full-scale investigation.

Ann:And the jacuzzi broke. But I did... eat food off of your body.

Ann:you basically turned me into a female version of yourself, and then you got bored dating me because you were dating yourself.

Ann:Jogging is the worst, Chris. I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

Ron · Ann · Leslie:I don't know the names of the other department heads. I'll go with him. Seriously? With the men in this office?

Tom · Ann:'Ben'... And much larger, 'Ann.' She definitely loves Ann.

April · Ron · Ann:We make a gingerbread version of the office. That's so good! I think the wood model is-- and we can decorate our offices with candy canes and gumdrops! That would be so adorable! Thanks, Ron! That's such a cute idea!

Ann:It's really hard to say 'congrats' without sounding sarcastic.

Ann:Seriously, I really hope you guys are all very happy. Damn it.

Ann:What about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and you're the only one there without a date, so the bride makes you dance to Single Ladies by yourself?

Harris · Ann:Try 308. I'm going to have to pass right now. Your mistake, mama.

Ann · Leslie:You're going to throw them on the roof again so I can't leave. You know me too well.

Tom · Ann:Then, we go back to my place and snuggle up like little bunnies. Yeah, this was a mistake.

Tom · Ann:Oh, God! Hey, Boo Boo Bear. What did you just call me? Boo Boo Bear. It's one of several nicknames I made up for you.

Tom · Ann:We have Cookie Tush... Wow. Just right out the gate. Winnie the Boo, Lady Presh Presh, Annberry Sauce, Annie Get Your Boo, Tommy's Girl, Annie Banannie...

Tom · Ann:What are you doing? Is this not one of those? I might have misread the vibe.

Tom · Ann:I feel like you're embarrassed by me. That is accurate.

Tom · Ann:Am I in a relationship? It's complicated.

Ann · Tom:What happened to you? I was waiting outside in the rain for you. Because I thought you would come out and be like, 'Oh, he's all wet. That's so romantic.' But you didn't. What on earth would make you think I would like that? Movies.

Ann · Leslie:Boss, I need your Herbie Hancock on this. Outside.

Ann · Tom:So I'm 'Tommy's girl,' and you're just 'Tom'? Why not 'Ann's man'? Nobody owns me, cupcake, not even you.

Tom · Ann:We put the hats on-- Don't say it. We take everything else off.

Tom · Ann:Ann, I'm at 600. Are you really not stopping me? I have those cotton t-shirt sheets. Huh?

Ann:You put 20" rims on your Volkswagen Golf, and you insist on being introduced as 'the brown Gosling.'

Ann:I would like to announce that the name Tan is officially over. To the end of Tan.

Ann:This is the first time you've said my entire name correctly.

Ann:Kiss one water-fountain drinker, you're kissing everyone in Pawnee. Including him.

Ann:Andy is our official water-fountain tester.

Tom · Ann:Full disclosure. Ann and I are romantically intertwined. Oh, God. So let's not be surprised if she picks my idea.

Jerry · Ann · Andy:Why don't we just turn up the pressure? That way you don't have to put your mouth so close. All right, here we go. Ah, stop! Honey, I'm sorry. That'll teach you to pay attention.

Ann · Chris:Water balloon fight. Fair enough.

Ann:And I bet they look even better on Ben's floor

Ann:It says 'Nympho' on the butt in silver, sparkly letters

Ann:Ann's clinical explanation of 'nympho' and butt implications

Ann:I have a date with my bathtub, a glass of red wine, and a gigantic fireman named Marcus

Ann:Why are you from Russia?

Ann:I don't know, Marcus. I'll hit you up when I hit you up.

Ann:Yeah, we're not dating any more, okay? Get out.

Ann:Holy hell, that's soft.

Ann:It's crazy boring. It lasts forever. You're going to wish you were dead.

Jerry · Ann · Tom:It feels like I just exercised. Just sit on the ground. No, Jerry. It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens.

Tom · Ann:Let's move in together. Totally. No take-backs when we sober up, though, partner. No take-backs, partner.

Ann · Tom:Did you put glitter in the laundry detergent? Oh, Yeah. I'm experimenting with some new entrepreneurial ideas. That one is called 'SparkleSuds. Dress Loud.'

Ann · Tom:This morning, you put glitter in the butter. 'Disco Dairy. Spread the Party.' No, that's not a good idea. That's terrible.

Ann · Leslie:Do you just have to pee real bad? Yes.

April · Ann:I mean, look, there's already a dog here. Oh, my God. I had that exact doll when I was a kid.

Ann · Orin:I like the statement it's making that, you know, we're all in cages in a way. Yeah, it's actually about death and the city.

Ann:No one leaves the Octagon. I dated an ultimate fighter. It was like a thing he said.

Leslie · April · Ann:You just got knoped. And ludgated. And perkinsed.

Ann:Hey, dudettes. You stoked about the weekend?

Ann:Oh, look at this pwetty, pwetty wittle beads.

Ann:So you guys like Coldplay?

Ann:But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's face like a mask!

Ann:Sorry. I thought kids liked ghost stories.

Ron · Ann:Stand back, ladies! Ron, no, no, no, no! That's dangerous!

Ann:Did you just say you love Diane?

Ann:Well, instead of getting swept up in my boyfriends' personalities, I am dating myself and trying new things. So every time I go out to eat, I order one thing that's typical me and then something that I would never order. Now I have two best friends, Ann and Ann. Each one more beautiful than the other.

Ann:Which Ann is screaming like a maniac? Oatmeal Ann or catfish Ann? I'm not sure, because I instantly blacked out from extreme terror.

Ann:Some sperm. I meant in terms of a donor? Oh, you know, nice guy... Nice sperm.

Ann · Leslie:Oh! This guy went to Harvard! So did the Unabomber.

Ann · Leslie:This guys seems healthy. Loves cycling. Yeah, so did Lance Armstrong, and he turned out to be a lying drug user. Or a hero. I don't know where we stand on him now.

Ann · Leslie:Is that a drawing of my reproductive system saying 'Let's do this'? The Knope way involves a lot of uterine cartoons. What can I tell you? Besides, what is more cuter-us than your uterus?

Ann · Leslie:Is that a drawing of my reproductive system saying 'Let's do this'? The Knope way involves a lot of uterine cartoons. Besides, what is more cuter-us than your uterus?

Leslie · Ann:Let's make a baby together. You should phrase that differently.

Leslie · Ann:The falcon is entering! The turtledove acknowledges!

Ann:I feel like every crazy thing Leslie's ever had me do has been, like a drill, and today is the real thing. I'm ready, because I had the greatest teacher in the world. Leslie. Who is crazy.

Leslie · Ann:Now how did Cinderella finish her dress so fast? - Squirrels and birds. - That's not very helpful.

Ann:There's always time. Designers, make it work.

Ann:Terrible. And perfect.

Leslie · Ann · Leslie:I'm not supposed to see you before the wedding. - No, that's the groom - I ruined it!

Chris · Ann:Ann Perkins! - Hey, Chris! Got to run to a meeting. With Ron. - Great idea! I'll run to my next meeting.

Ann:Turns out they don't make greeting cards for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will artificially inseminate you.

Ann · Ron:I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him. What do you want him to do? Plant ficuses. In my front yard.

Ron · Ann:Then plant the damn ficuses yourself. - I wish that were possible.

Ann:So, like, maybe there's something there, where, like, he went to school with his high-school buddies that were dinosaurs. And his tie is green. They're green.

Ann · Ron:Do you see what is happening with Chris and Shauna? They are flirting like crazy. It's disgusting. They're in public. - That's called a conversation.

Ann · Ron:Ron, there are no ficuses, okay? I wanted to ask Chris to be the father of my baby. - Good God.

Ann:'Chris-toe-fur.' It's like you have furry toes. Hilarious.

Chris · Ann:Jaguar. Why do you ask? - Doin' a survey. Well, survey completed.

Ann · Perd:I want to have a baby. Will you be the sperm donor? The story of this situation is it's extremely personal.

Ann:Take as much time as you want. Or just maybe, like, a couple days. 'Cause I'm getting antsy. And I'm ovulating on Thursday. So, chop-chop. But take your time. Wear loose pants!

Ann · Ron:I gotta tell you, Ron. You were absolutely and totally right. I know. Stop talking and get out.

Chris · Ann:Who were you competing against? / My own taste buds.

Ann:I bought 12 babies, and then I immediately abandoned them at a Kroger's.

Ann · Chris:Really? / Six-time Tour de France champion.

Chris · Ann:Will you love our child and work hard to see that he or she has a good life? / You see, I think that's the only question that matters.

Ann · Chris:You know there's nothing in there yet, right? / Yes, sorry.

Ben · Ann:You're 'Future Mrs. Tiger Woods'? / I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it.

Pawnshop owner · Ann:I'll give it to you if you go on a date with me. / Oh, God. I can't believe I'm about to do this, but fine.

Leslie · Ben · Ann:What about Ann Month and Ben Month? / How about a week? / Fine.

Ann:If you fill it up all the way, you get on the board.

Chris · Ann:Chris and Ann's mutual overthinking about thinking about each other

Ann:Yes, we were.

Chris · Ann:Chris and Ann awkwardly meet in hallway after their romantic encounter

Ann · Chris:Do you want to make out? I really do.

Chris · Ann:Do you want to make out? I really do.

Ann · Mona-Lisa:Hi. I'm Ann Perkins. - I used to date Tom. - Oh, okay. We can do this, but I will bite you.

Mona-Lisa · Ann:Tommy owns his own business. Yeah, but he had to borrow a lot of money, and when you're not around, Tom drinks tap water.

Mona-Lisa · Ann:and I don't even usually like Puerto Rican chicks. I'm not--I mean, it shouldn't matter, but I'm--

Ann · Tom:Tom. What happened to you? Mona-Lisa happened to me. She covered me in glitter and Anna Nicole body spray.

Tom · Ann:Why do they still even make that? They don't--she's had the same bottle for years. She just mixes in water and baby oil.

Mona-Lisa · Ann · Tom:You guys want a threesome. What? No. We do not wanna have a threesome with you. Well, let's not rush to judgment. I mean, I say we hear her out.

Ann · Andy:Oh, boy. What do you want, Macklin? / Me? Just observing. A little something they taught us down at Quantico.

Andy · Ann:Congratulations. / Is that a question? / It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret. You're pregnant.

Ann:I'm trying to get pregnant. That's not fair. I mean, great, and happy for them, and congratulations, whatever, but ooh! No! Boo!

Andy · Ann:Whoa, I don't think so. Bert Macklin works alone. I will buy lunch. You can have as many burgers as you want. Welcome to the FBI.

Andy · Ann:Whoa, I don't think so. Bert Macklin works alone. / I will buy lunch. You can have as many burgers as you want. / Welcome to the FBI.

Ann:Sex is ridiculous.

Ann:Pawnee has the very first documented case of mega-diabetes. And the only know occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease.

Leslie · Ann:Oh, my God, look at that. It's waffles! - Delicious waffles.

Tom · Nadia · Ann:Sorry, Ann. This is on you. You told us to make a memory. / There's your money back. / This is eight dollars.

Ann:It's loosely based on the Klingon greeting salute. I just learned that. And if I had known, I would not have agreed to it.

Ann:Hey, Leslie, how about instead of slightly changing a lot of banners, we paint our toenails to look like pumpkins?

Ann:I left her, like, 30 voice mails, and her outgoing message is just her sobbing and burping and crazy laughing.

Tattoo artist · Ann:Okay, you said you wanted 'mouth queen'? / No, stop. Stop it. Stop everything that you're doing.

Ben · Ann:Don't let her get a tattoo. / What the hell happened? / I couldn't help it. She's so cute when she's coming up with destructive ideas.

Ann:Cracker dust... I mean yes

Chris · Ann:All we did was punch jewelry store into our car GPS. I was getting gas. No, I don't remember it

Ann:You let me pee with the door open so I could watch the end of Grey's Anatomy

Ann · Chris:I don't know! Me either! Maybe let's not? Yeah, I think maybe not

Ann:This morning when I got out of bed, I just tipped forward like a poorly made bowling pin.

Ann:Everything is amazing. Today is perfect, and I love you. He's driving me up the fucking wall.

Ann:'cause I have a beach ball in my stomach that's punching on my bladder.

Ann:I can't have cheese, Larry! And I can't have wine either.

Ann:I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots, I want 'em to be cinnamon buns.

Ann:I want to be a giant head and a mouth, and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets

Ann:My stomach has so many stretch marks on it that it looks like an old-fashioned globe.

Ann:Oh, my God, you have to stop using the word 'nipple.'

Ann:And you know what? I would yell some more, but I think I just peed my pants a little bit.

Ann:There's just been, like, a long, slow fart stream coming out of me since we started talking... this morning.

Chris · Ann:That really sucks. Yeah. It does. Thanks.

Ann · Leslie:Why is there a New Year's Eve countdown clock and the Easter bunny? I don't know when we're gonna be able to visit each other, so just to be safe this party is a celebration of every event that's gonna happen this year.

Ann:This is just a bunch of bras and knives. And loose onions.

Donna · Ann · Tom:But now that you're officially out of the dating pool, you know I'm gonna run this town, right? Ooh. Oh, yeah, you do not wanna go down that road. Trust me, I tried.

Ann:If Chris gets cranky around noon, just stuff some chia seeds into a fig--works every time.

Ann:I told him that One Headlight By the Wallflowers isn't 'dancing' music and he said 'Not with that attitude.'

Andy · Ann:We used to date. Yeah, we lived together for two years. I know, it's crazy, right? Anyways, you're the best. Have fun in Mexico.

Leslie · Ann:Kathryn Pinewood is the person on earth who hates me the most. Well, luckily, you're with the person on earth who loves you the most.

Ann:Yeah, Pinewood, that's right. I'm pregnant and I have you in a headlock. And if you try to fight back, I will sue you.

Perd · Ann:There is such a thing as journalistic integrity, and it is something that I have as a journalist with integrity. It's really important, Perd. Please? Come on. For old time's sake. Well, the story of that appeal is it was heartfelt. And in response to that appeal, I respond: Okay.

Ann:It was during that 'explore my freedom as a single woman' phase. We just had a drink. And at the end he said, 'I am going to kiss you now by putting my mouth on your mouth.' And then I ran away.

Ann:My going-away present to you will be that I do not make you audibly say that you love me.

Leslie · Ann:But most importantly, you taught me that I can't pull off a tulip skirt. It's just not your shape.

Leslie · Ann:But most importantly, you taught me that I can't pull off a tulip skirt. It's just not your shape.

Ann:All right, I got my park. That's all I wanted from you. Friendship over.

Ann:All right, I got my park. That's all I wanted from you. Friendship over.

Ann:Listen to me very carefully. I have not been taken. I know that's always your first fear when I'm not available, but this is not a Liam Neeson Taken scenario.

Shauna · Ann:I don't know, I read a book once that said a woman should never make the first move. / That doesn't apply to therapy. Okay. Good luck!

Leslie · Ann:Yeah, 'cause Riggins is a criminal. He took the fall for his brother. Okay, he didn't watch out for his brother.