Andy Dwyer

Doorbell! Yeah, I heard it. Doorbell! I heard it. I'm getting it.

Could you pass me my itch stick?

I can't believe you fell in, too. That's awesome.

Oh, hey, baby, if you're going to the kitchen, could you make me pancakes real quick? Uh, sure. Ooh, are pancakes being made? Yeah, sure.

I don't know, she's a little doofy. But she's sweet.

Lawrence lives with his grandma. Which is pretty awesome. He takes care of her, I guess. But whatever, he's a douchebag.

I'm in a band. It's called Just the Tip.

Oh. Yeah. That's actually a great story. I just finished up a gig with my band Three Skin, formerly Four Skin, but our bassist left for personal reasons.

And I thought I saw a toaster lying in the pit. And I was like, 'Maybe I should get that.' And I fell in and broke my legs.

Why would you want a toaster that's lying at the bottom of the pit? / I don't know. I was pretty wasted.

Wait. You were drunk? / Oh, yeah. Totally. / You knew that. / I didn't know that, no.

You should've told me, because we gave you anesthesia at the hospital. / I was probably not thinking 'cause I had two broken femurs and I was blackout drunk.

Like you're perfect. You're on the pill. You drink all the time. You're allowed to do that.

Called it. I called that. / You remember that? Yeah. / He did, actually. He totally called that.

He was probably thinking with the head of his wiener instead of the head of his brain.

I bet he didn't use a condom. / Andy, God!

She is an angel. And I seriously love her. Hard.

I took a bunch of painkillers. They're about to kick in so I'm ready to go.

I wish I could say some of this mess was Ann's, but it's all mine. I'm kind of a nester.

I'm doing a little experiment tonight to see what will get me drunker. Drinking wine...

This is how they clean their dog.

I just put 12 new batteries in that thing!

I was chasing our neighbor who's a total jagweed and I fell in some prickly bushes.

Somebody is getting gently laid tonight. Andy! God!

Babe, I'm out of milk.

Oh. Hi, Leslie. I thought you were a dude.

Your boobs are dead.

Hey, my iPod! Oh, yeah! My pirate!

Andy immediately falling over when trying to walk

Sandwich! Are you turkey or ham?

Lamp! Wish you were a lamp that would light up when you get touched

You know... I don't really like to define it but it's like Matchbox Twenty meets The Fray. So, rock. Well, again, I don't really like to define it.

The band has had a few different names over the years... [long list ending with] ...and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud, I kind of hate it.

Could you grab me a triple whiskey water?

Ann [sung repeatedly]

Pit! I fell in it, the pit / You fell in it, the pit / We all fell in it, the pit

No! Screw it! We are Mouse Rat!

I really, really like it when you serve me food.

Pit! I fell in it, the pit / You fell in it, the pit / We all fell in it, the pit

What? Can I come in? I just want to talk to you for a second.

Oh, yeah, the monkey suit. Cost 3,000 bucks, but totally worth it. I sold out!

and I really think it would behoove us to give it another shot.

And the hardest part about living in this pit is probably keeping my suit pressed.

It's like a freaking rat parade every night.

Shovel guitar. Somebody wants to play shovel guitar. Leslie's been playing shovel guitar for about an hour now. Bucket drum.

You're not from here, right? No, I'm from South Carolina. But you moved to South Carolina from where? My mother's uterus. But you were conceived in Libya?

What about Barack Obama? Yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a dude named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

You're living in the pit now? For now, yeah. It's awesome. Somebody planted a garden down there with fruits and vegetables, so I'm getting a lot of vitamins.

Don't look at me. There's weed down there? I thought that was the tops of carrots.

Do you live here? Yeah, do you live here? Catch.

I miss her so much, it's ridiculous. How's she doing? Doing good tonight. She's out on a... Ann is great. And I bet she really misses you.

You know there's a string in there. Not in this one. Instant sugar high. Sugar high. Sugar hit high. Sugar high. High. Sugar slam.

So, do you like spy on Ann? From the pit? I just like being nearby. That way if she wants me back, I could be at her house in two seconds, before she changes her mind.

She's dating somebody else? I didn't say that. Who is she dating? What? Is she dating somebody else? I didn't say that. Who is she dating? Nobody. Mark.

When you had that barbecue, I didn't come up, even though it smelled so good.

I don't know about you, Mark, but I've seen a ton of porn, and I know what fixing your shower means.

I was thinking that there was once a time when Mark used to be the stranger in the house. And now it's me.

That went really well! We had dinner, I got to see her. Oh, God, I was so tempted to look back at her. Was she looking? I had to walk so slow. A good day.

This is one of my favorite pick-up strategies. I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of 'em have shown up.

You live in a pit. Not anymore. Living with the drummer of my band. Living indoors. Pretty cool. Not to brag. Kinda hard not to.

Me and an old Asian lady are double-teaming some monkey bars, so.

The monitor is not a toy, Andy. Anything is a toy if you play with it.

I saw an old cereal box I hadn't read before, so I must've drifted off.

My God, my sexy sweater! It has a hole cut out over the bicep.

A tragic accident reignited feelings you thought were long dead and we are finally back together.

What does he have that I don't have? Are you serious? Everything.

Thank you so... Why are you naked? Because of what you said, we're getting back together.

You should've heard the sexy stuff she said. I said 'hey, Andy, it's Ann, can we talk at my house?' That's not how you said it, you were like, 'Hey, Andy, it's Ann, can you talk at my house?'

None of your clothes fit me, so I'm putting an apron over the front stuff.

I want Ann back, and she said she needs a guy with a lot of money. That doesn't sound like Ann. I can't really do her voice.

$100,000, I can probably get a bank account.

I can make six bucks a day playing guitar in the street. I can't make six bucks a day.

A guaranteed starting spot on the Indianapolis Colts... inside linebacker. We can't accomplish that.

I've already been injured in that thing twice. And I can fall in ten more times by 'eventually'.

He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on? No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?

A week ago I had nothing. Now, I have a part-time job. I'm gonna make $32 tonight. I owe Leslie everything I have. Which, after tonight, will be $39.

My name is Bert Macklin. I'm with the FBI.

Bert Macklin, FBI.

The President of the United States of America.

Yeah, it was bad FBI work, too. My bad.

Yeah, but you were probably a nerd, though, huh? Hey. Leslie, I mean that in a good way.

I'm not even in the FBI, stupid.

April, stop that. Who are you texting? / You. / She's texting me.

Shine, shine, shine your shoes? What do you say, sir? Ma'am, shoeshine? I won't look up your skirt.

Just trying the rat race. Chasing the cheese. Racing the rats. To get the cheese.

It is definitely due to... the economy. I've been hearing a lot of people say that a lot, about a lot of stuff.

I'm more than a friend of Ann's. / Not for long. / I'm sorry? / I don't know.

Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer, and I would be a perfect contestant for deal or no deal.

I'm on a break. One of the many advantages of owning your own business.

If you had to choose, who would you choose? Right now, on the spot. / I'm not sure. Why don't you spin around for me.

Is punching allowed on the high road?

Andy and Ann's family shoeshine? I thought it had a nice ring to it.

Never understood the term elbow grease. I guess it's not really grease. Just hard work.

I feel right at home as a shoeshine. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really, really well.

A piece of art caused me to have an emotional reaction. Is that normal?

What the ****, man? / I don't know what happened. Frankly. I emitted a noise. The noise was involuntary. Sometimes a sound is just a sound, you know?

Only god could do that!

I like the green one and the red circle right here. / I'm tearing up, man.

His new thing... Piggyback rides. Anytime you want. Piggyback! Piggyback! Move! Piggyback. Bam!

Giddyup!

I am on hold with the State Parks Department I am on hold so suck on my butt

Maybe a deer will eat him. That'd be awesome, but I don't think that will happen, probably.

You know, if I gave you a hickey, it would totally make Ann jealous. I don't know, I think that would... That's pretty gross. What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?

The shoeshine stand still doesn't have that syphilis medication you were asking about.

we don't have those extra-small condoms you ordered. I called the factory. It's gonna take a special order. Not just because of the size, but because of the weird shape as well.

Every day I subtly chip away at their relationship, weakening it little by little.

No, I figured because pool is all about angles, and he's a failed architect, that he might want to play pool. Really? That worked?

Step two has been completed. Easily. Very easily. Mark is pretty good at pool.

Mark is way better than me. I'm gonna... I'm gonna say that there is at least... a chance... that I didn't think this through completely.

A t-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in. It's literally priceless.

So if I win, I also get Ann. Okay, fine. If you win, then you get Ann.

I'm awesome at pool, and I hustled your ass.

I know that legally Ann is now mine, but, it weirdly doesn't feel that way.

You remembered how much I like to say 'psych'.

Goodbye, A-cakes.

You like your wife? That's a bummer. Anyone knows that you like your wife? Your wife knows that you like your wife?

Brokeback Mountain DVD. No. Fellows love that. No. Does he already have, like, chaps? Like assless chaps?

It's all I'm gonna think about, but you're in good hands. I'm gonna come up with something really, really good.

'The Parks lady boned Dexhart,' and, 'Of course she did, she's totally good to go.' And one guy was like, 'I wouldn't hit that.' And the other guy was like, 'Me neither.' And then this third guy was like, 'I would.'

First idea, spray tan gift certificates. Ugh. No. Trip to Germany?

Indianapolis Colts' Reggie Wayne jersey, number 87, double XL, home blue, signed by Reggie Wayne right after he catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.

I have been writing a lot of songs about shining shoes lately. I tend to write about what I'm doing.

Talking about writing about what I'm doing. Now I'm singing about talking about writing about what I'm doing

Seems like the shoe is in the other foot. And the guy who polishes shoes is now me.

I would say, in terms of guys that she's in love with, Justin's up here, I'm up here, and then you're down here.

Maybe if you had, I wouldn't have left.

Hi, Kyle. You know, right before you sat down, I noticed, did you have some kind of stain on your ass, or something? What was that?

He got it in Cambodia, when he was hiking Mount Everest.

I'm being sarcastic. That would be awesome.

Yeah. He's actually kind of awesome. You're underage.

Oh. No. I'm sorry. We're closed, due to betrayment.

Wow. Unbetrayed.

Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from the boxes and use it for break dancing.

'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.

Terrific's not more than amazing, Jerry. No? Well, it's not less.

You know, for a gay couple, you guys are being really gay.

So there's that one, I guess.

Bottom line: It's called sex hair. It's about how you can tell when someone's just had sex 'cause of how their hair gets matted up in the back.

Dude, kyle, I'm gonna lose my on you If you ask me one more time.

Uh, I mean, that sucked, didn't it?

But I can't-- if that happens here, My eyes will fall out of my head, and I'll die.

Then I'll make out with ben. Pass. No, he's my boyfriend. You can either make out with both of us or none of us. Fine. None of you. Fine.

You sound like dean martin. If I were 50 years younger... Ew. Wait, who's dean martin?

If I'm not mistaken, that was The old lady version of flashing. Nailed the gig.

Come on! No. We're finally starting to get serious results.

That's not a working fireplace, Andy. Stop writing phone messages on the wall, Andy. Dude, seriously, I love you but stop digging that weird hole in the backyard.

Well, we're not Mouse Rat anymore. We changed it to Tackleshaft.

April, you're like an angel with no wings. So, like, a person?

I can afford, like, 300 bucks a month. I've always wanted a doorman named Ernie. That'd be awesome. Or Kipp. I'm pretty flexible on that.

Here's a great one. It's a Tudor mansion. It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms. It's got a tennis court, a pool and a three-car garage. What? And it's only $20,000 a month. And it's in Chicago. Ah! That close! It was almost perfect.

The acoustics in the bathroom are insane.

I could definitely picture myself doing something over there.

It screams Andy Dwyer.

The two lines I've put into every song I've ever sang, 'Spread your wings and fly,' and 'You deserve to be a champion.'

Yeah, well, I'm investing. I'm like Warren Buffay.

Yo, police! / No, you're not. Coffee!

I only ever bring you coffee. / And it is my very favorite non-alcoholic hot drink, except for hot tea. And hot orange juice, weirdly delicious.

I got a really bad case of shoeshine head today.

It's when you shine too many shoes and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain.

Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers

and napping on the floor.

Andy will come in to... / Andy! / I got it!

Please, my friends call me Andy Radical. / No, we don't.

By day, Andy Dwyer, shoeshine-ist. By a different time of day, Andy Radical, possum tackler. And by night, I do whatever I want. No job.

And then afterwards, had sex with Mark and everyone talked about it.

So, I thought to myself, 'Don't think, Andy, act.' / So, you weren't thinking? / Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

You know what? 'Friends' sounds stupid. Colleagues.

They are bad at sharing, but they are good at tag.

I broke up with Ann. Yeah. Shortly after she kicked me out and told me we wouldn't be together anymore.

Of all the things I thought would bring us back together, catching a possum was never on that list.

I think I nailed it. I fell off the stool once when I was trying to look serious, but I'm okay.

Man, our happy reactions are super different.

Those city planning guys can be real pains in the ass. / Okay. I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes... / Ron, shut up.

'I wouldn't have been able to do it without an early-morning caffeine boost from the amazing April Ludgate. She gave me the liquid courage I needed to wrestle that beast to the ground.'

How did you counter-attack? Fist to the throat? Did you hit him in the beanbag? There's no shame in attacking a criminal's beanbag.

No, I just curled up and laid still until they left. Well, that's another way to play it.

Scrotation Marks. I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no.

Oh! What's up now, mugger? Ann, that was awesome. That was really good.

But just promise me you'll be ready, because, I mean, I don't want to destroy you.

Sorry I squeezed your lights out there, son. No worries. Will you show me how to do that move, though?

Oh! Hey! Ann Perkins, in the 'shoe-shouse.'

I got you one of those veggie muffins that you're always eating. Score. Yeah. It tastes like a rug. Shut up. Don't hit me.

why is my cup so tiny?

April threw the smoked salmon on the roof.

Sweater swap. She noticed. You were right.

How about 'life is a picnic...With you'? Whoa. Then it could be about a girl... Or peyton manning.

For realskies?

Bert Macklin, FBI, on the case.

When April was born, I was already in 3rd grade. Which means if we were friends back then, I'd have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. My God, I could've killed her.

You won me over. I will join your team. I'm sorry, um, what we need-- When does practice start? And do you provide the jerseys? What color are the jerseys by the way? What's our team name? Are we 'the lightning'?

Just say out loud 'yes' or 'no'. Eeeeeee-boop!

Either you hire her back or I quit. You don't work for me. And I never will, sir.

What, and shoot him?

Oh, come on, Ron. I'm just a little puppy. I ain't done nothing wrong. I'm just a puppy.

I like your mustache. I wish I could have one. But I can't. Because I'm just a little puppy.

Salad sucks. There. I said it.

You've got sex hair / You got it from me, girl. Sex hair

Listen, my van's out back. Let's roll. No. Please leave. Where are you going? Is this guy bothering you? No, I'm bothering you. For bothering her.

Andy guessing 'April' when asked about a song named after a month, and the awkward 'That would have been way better' response

Tom and Andy's terrible math trying to calculate the dating age rule, both arriving at different wrong answers

Andy's immediate realization that 'Tom says it's okay' probably means 'it isn't okay'

Andy asking 'What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?' (presumably about Ben)

Andy's enthusiastic greeting contrasted with Ann asking if she was a good girlfriend

Andy's confused realization: 'I thought she liked me. I guess I'm super bad at picking up signals'

Andy calling Jean-Ralphio 'that Ralph Macchio guy'

April's relief contrasted with Andy's observation: 'For once, it's Ann who blacked out drunk And not Andy.'

Andy's song lyrics: 'November, your bangs are cute / November, your voice is a flute' followed by the reveal 'That song is about April'

The government is shut down. It's in every newspaper. / How long is it going to last? Well, if we're lucky, this building will be empty for months.

I just got this super sweet-ass rad crotch rocket... Got a really good deal on my lease. Paying 12% interest. It's, like, one of the highest you can get.

Uh-oh! / Nailed it.

Hammering away.

Yeah, it's just like driving half a car.

Well, just take the word 'sex' and change it to 'pickle.' / You got pickle hair, baby And you got it from me / Yeah. Still sounds like it's about sex.

There's an old saying in show business. 'The show must go wrong.' Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.

My life is a motorcycle crash right now.

But, like, two minutes ago, me and Ann did kiss.

Nailed it.

Make the world's biggest pizza. / No, make this town fun for the people who live here. / Fine, but after that, the pizza is our top priority. / No, it's not. / We're getting pizza?

April, hey, it's me, Andy Dwyer. This is like the 200th message I've left you, without a response. So, if you're trying to tell me something, I do not know what it is because you won't call me back.

So, that just means that we're in maintenance mode. / Yeah! Jerry!

I'd say my coaching style is centered around fundamentals, with an emphasis on fun. Hey, watch this. Go get it. Yeah! And a second emphasis on mental.

But every time I look one of these kids in the eyes and he calls me Coach... That's how I know I agreed to be a coach.

I dedicate this victory to April Ludgate. It feels good. And it feels sticky. From the Gatorade.

Really? Wow. Across the pond.

How do you say, 'Have a great time, don't choke on anything'?

From some city in Mexico.

You swing the hardest, damn it. You go big or you go home. And you don't seem like the kind of guy who goes home. / I'm not. I don't even really have a home.

Check your testicles? / No. Not that. Although that is very good advice. Looking at you, Jerry.

All due respect, Eduardo. You seem like a great guy. But I like April. And I'm coming after her with everything I've got.

Not Friday. I have to go visit my cousin. But I will be back after that to ask you again.

You should do it. Follow your dream. / Oh, my God. Really? That's awesome.

Check this out. I just invented it. Super-straw.

Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.

I just dropped another call. [DIAL TONE]

It literally killed a guy last year.

Not like, 'Damn, you're fine,' but fine health-wise.

You could be asleep for hours. Maybe I'll come back later.

Gross. Your forehead is all sweaty. That's gross. But I still like you.

Present company excluded. Oh, thank you. Uh, I was talking about me.

He didn't... he didn't pay me.

I cannot figure out who my boss is.

Dude, that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk.

Hey, you know who should wear these shoes? Monkeys.

I'm nice. Good! Nice. What else? I'm in a band. Band! What else? That's it.

David Matthews! Crash into me! Yes! I love that song.

That means 'thank you'? Yes. Nailed it.

I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation?

He was a really good bassist. I was actually started to like him. I know. That's what made me start to hate him.

Yeah, Ben, these guys are cops, not ballerinas.

Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now. But no matter what, you must keep going. No. You must stop. I love you, buddy. Follow your dreams.

I eat 'running the permits desk for an hour' for breakfast.

Physical comedy of child hitting Andy in the groin repeatedly

Dear April's grandmother... I said grandfather. You are a beautiful and amazing woman... Man. I hope someday, I can become half the woman you are... He's a man.

Thank you for the $500... It was $5. Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD... He is deaf.

Boom. A sad desk. Boom. Sad wall.

Sorry for stepping on you, floor.

Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van? Yeah. But she's being really difficult about it, and it's actually not my van.

April Ludgate Is the Best Ever, Volume One

I kind of forgot that you need money when you have a girlfriend

different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub 'em on stuff

I told him I had a pork deficiency.

We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and we give to ourselves.

She's like an eagle-eyed tiger. / Eagle-eyed tiger! New band name, I call it!

Well, I want a billion Teddy bears. / Well, that's a little unrealistic. This is a hard game. Two million.

Hey, I love you. / Dude, shut up! / That is awesome sauce!

Good idea. Horses love mazes, come on!

You know how Indians call corn maize? This is why. I never knew that.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna go look by myself. / Hey, are you all right? You seem super not happy. / I'm fine. / Oh, I forgot to tell you. I might be going to Venezuela tomorrow. Forever.

That's what makes the sauce so awesome.

Aw, Jerry just farted! I'm very upset, I get nervous.

I don't get it. At all. It's kind of a small horse. I mean, what am I missing? Am I crazy? / Hey, Ben, you just missed it. He whinnied. / Oh, yeah, no. I totally heard that. It was great.

My identity was stolen. - His identity was stolen! Tell her about the accounts. - They were frozen. - Frozen.

If you hate it, we'll leave and go make out. But if you love it, we'll stay and make out. Either way, a ton of making out.

It's pollution from the sweetums factory. - It's gorgeous. - But is it worth the asthma? - No.

♪ and I had to fight a squirrel ♪

And I had to drink most of it to survive.

which is officially my friend Burly's home, because I don't have a home.

And dinner parties do combine two of our favorite things... dinner and parties.

It's like if you could have a Xbox pancake.

Well, you are a huge nerd. But I'd be sorry to see you go, man.

To each other.

Well, I mean, it's actually a really funny story. We were hanging out. And suddenly, I was like, 'What if we got married tomorrow?' And she was like... 'Fine.'

Like, a house or, like, a condo or something. Probably a condo. It's... you can't just get a condo. No, you're right... house.

This shirt is hilarious.

And I don't care if I have to fight an ultimate fighter or a bear or him, your mom... I would take them down.

You're not still married, are you? But you... you're straight? Jean-Ralphio's just a friend?

I mean, seriously, I cannot emphasize how little we thought about this.

We're having so much fun, except for, uh, Roberta here turns out sucks at water-skiing so bad. I'm gonna divorce you.

I'm getting healthier snacks for the shoeshine stand. Chris is a food genius. Did you know that the food you eat becomes energy? Yeah. Boom. That's spaghetti. Nachos. That's a cookie.

Sir? Is there a problem? I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this. I don't think I can give you any more. I want one.

Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food? Well, I take Skittles, and I put it between two Starbursts. You know what I call it? Skittle sandwich? That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.

I said one thing. Honey? Pinwheel.

Look. Cucumber flower. Wow, that's so cute. Wait, that's a garnish. You're not supposed to eat that. What?

Stop being so pretentious, Kyle. Sorry.

Hard work never pays off. Cooking is dumb. I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.

She's joking. Okay. You can use as much free electricity as you want. - It's free.

We leave the tv on all day long so burglars think that we're home when we're not, which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.

- You want my gum? - Mm-hmm.

You guys--you wash your clothes in bubble bath? Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing. No, it's not. Well, they both make bubbles, so...

Which I organize into a pile or stack that I put into the freezer. - Why? - So they won't get lost.

Or we could buy a Wii. You can handle this. I don't know, man. Why don't you just do it? No, I can't. I--I...Have a date. Ooh, what's his name?

Get it all. Grab everything that we've seen it on TV and put it in this cart right now.

But if you think for one second I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.

Oh, my God. Is that you as a naked horse? Does it look like me? I don't even-- Leslie, I mean, not to be inappropriate or anything, 'cause you're my boss and my friend, but I would totally hit that. - So would I.

She stole money from you. What? No, no, Andy, she did not.

Look at me and April. If you're anything like us, three weeks from now, you'll be married, my friend.

Why don't we build a fence around their fence? [...] so if they needed to get to their fence for maintenance and whatnot, their pants might get caught.

I'm just gonna suggest one more time that we burn it down. But whatever you guys think.

Janet Snakehole and Bert Macklin introduction sequence

I'm like an elephant, okay? If I walk into a room, it's like, okay, he's in there.

Bababooey.

Farts and poop and love and stuff / Macaroni salad

Your mother's butt.

Bert Macklin may be dead, but I'm his brother Kip Hackman. Why wouldn't you have his same last name? Shut up, Kyle.

Um, this is almost too easy. Me!

Who is Jeff Mangum? The guy from Neutral Milk Hotel. Oh! Oh. Neutral Milk Hotel. What is that? That's my favorite band. I've told you that, like, a thousand times.

'Cause their music is sad, and depressing, and weird. And art is supposed to be happy and fun, and everyone knows that.

The pit. Wait a minute. You were in the pit. We all were in the pit.

We're totally gonna do it later! Oh, my God.

I will give 110 percent! Well, as soon as you repeat yourself in a more interesting way.

Hello, Wall Street. Buy more stocks. Now.

This phone kind of smells like a butt. Try not to move things around. Because technically speaking, this is still a crime scene.

Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death. Okay.

A year ago, I lived in a pit. Now I got a job, and a kickass wife. And my band is so good, and are you gonna eat that pecan square?

What a moron.

In my heart, I'm sad you had to die. Li'I horse, spread your wings and learn to fly. Horses don't fly. That's why I'm telling him, 'learn to fly.'

You're a champion little horse And you're dead You're the champion of death

What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind? This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind.

Up in horsey heaven Here's the thing You trade your legs for angel's wings And once we've all said goodbye You take a running leap and you learn to fly

Eighteen bucks each, $40 for the set. That doesn't add up. You don't add up.

You know what? Respect. That's a baller move. Pun intended.

Destroy my credit cards. Debt and everything? Mr. Mayor, I promise you that we will find the owner of that wiener, and we will punish him.

I don't know what to do. Me, neither. You give such good advice. Babe, I love you. You're welcome.

Shoe shining has been a pretty wild ride, but is it possible there's something more out there for me?

Kyle, beat it. I'm going to make out with my wife now. But you've only done half of one of my shoes. Here. Now, I haven't done anything. Scram, kid.

Leslie, I'm going to work my ass off for you. I'll do anything you ask me. I will prove myself. You don't even have to pay me.

Tim. Tim Buckanowski. Really? No. Andy Dwyer

Here we go. Helping Leslie. Okey-doke.

Here's my goal. I'm going to get these two people that I've known for a long time to talk to me for five minutes. Who am I kidding? One minute. One minute would be amazing.

When Leslie's in trouble, there's only one man for the job. Bert Macklin, FBI. You thought I was dead? So did the President's enemies.

You know, I think I'm just gonna hang out here with you guys, if that's cool. It's not. Great. I could leave. I could. But I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, damn it.

Hey, April. I was looking to get some new music. And I was wondering if you could recommend anything. The Internet.

I really like your haircut. Where did you get it? Prison.

How is your sister doing? She has the shingles. Who is your favorite character on Sex and the City? ALF.

You're stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing that you bring with you? Silence.

That's broken.

I also got this dude's briefcase. It was just laying there. Kind of a panic move. I believed in you. But you should put that back. Okay.

Well, this guy came in. He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out. Was there a lot of blood? What kind of blade did he use? Three and a half inch. Serrated. Buckets of blood.

Everyone in the universe loves a gross medical story. Boom! I win!

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them. That's a genius move. Thank you. You're welcome, Lester.

This weekend, you have two parents. Me and Mother Nature. And I am Mother Nature's brother, Brother Nature.

But you can call me Andy. Or Brother Nature. Your call.

Someone will die. Of fun. And of murder.

Blood orphans. No blood orphans. I don't know what that is.

I'm a sumo wrestler after he lost the weight.

Shock wire. I call it that, 'cause if you take a shower, and you touch the wire, you die!

The Dwyer method, which was yelling, wrestling, crying followed by lots of hugs. And then more wrestling, but the fun kind. And then crying when the fun kind of wrestling got out of hand.

Psych! Blood capsules.

Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts... It's going to be about 5,600 bucks. Deal?

Again, Andy, you don't need to bow.

I live on planet Nut Bran. Bran and nuts are very helpful for your colon.

That's because repetition is the key to a good marriage.

I'd like to remake the movie Kazaam with Shaquille O'Neal where he plays a genie, and I'd like to get it right.

When people are walking by, be like this. [visual gag of Andy demonstrating snooty airplane behavior]

Whoa! Still a lot left over.

Yes! Now, this is what I imagined.

Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life? I just handed it to you.

Nickels. I want nickels. A billion nickels!

Oh, yeah! 10 bucks. That counts as winning the lottery.

Honey, my bucket list doesn't say, 'Make a pretty awesome grilled cheese sandwich.' We gotta go back to the store.

My face is fine, Mikhail Petrov.

Looks like this Siberian husky is going off to jail. Russian off to jail.

I tell you what. You play whatever you want. I'm just going to take a real quick snooze for, like, 12 hours so I'm fresh.

Where's all the faces? Like the presidents.

Andy, will you be Iceland? / The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2?

How 'bout Germany? / They've never been the bad guys.

And I'll be the Moon. / No, you're gonna be South Africa or Pakistan. / I'm the Moon, or I quit.

Fine. You be South Africa, and you can also secretly run the moon. / The Moon accepts your ridiculous proposal.

Honey! I just traded Finland's military to Kenya for 50 lions. That's pretty good, right?

But also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries. / But so are lions. And you don't have to pay them.

I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now. I have no idea what's going on. But if that ends up meaning something in this game, I'd say I'm set.

Yeah! We got the freaking moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?

If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe. / That's... That's not true. / Well... You have to rearrange them.

How do you know about Camp David? / How do you know about camp David?

Oh, I did not graduate college because I did not 'attend it.'

I barely haven't even ever seen a gor-tar.

Guess what. I was secretly an undercover rock star this whole time.

One of the most significant bummers of my lifetime.

Why would I take a class on something that's already happened?

I want to be burned at the stake.

Andy Dwyer will be taking Women's Lasers. Women's Studies. Sorry. God, I cannot stop thinking about lasers.

Andy Dwyer will be taking Women's Lasers. Women's Studies. Sorry. God, I cannot stop thinking about lasers.

Hello, ma'am, who is just as equal as men.

I would like one ticket for Women.

I'm going to beg for money on the street like a drug addict.

That is extremely incorrect. I thought maybe it was.

Andy, I need evidence. - Got it! Wait! You don't know what evidence. Ah, right on. Yes. Hit me.

Where are you looking? Look here, focus here. Get the files in the drawer, and then get all the file boxes in the office. Put the files in the drawer. Let's go. - No. - Okay, I'll go with him.

Okay, mine doesn't have any pictures.

Oh, my God. Black people still can't legally use city sidewalks.

Any woman caught laughing is a witch. That's true.

Mouse Rat, certified gold! Over 100 copies sold in Pawnee!

I can hear you breathing, and, yes, you can finish her pasta. Thank God. I'm so hungry. Mmm, it tastes like froot loops.

See? His arms are crossed because he's mad at all the other marshmallow workers for annoying him. You like it? It's fine.

I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.

His name is Champion, because he's the Dog World Champion.

He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four. Except for digging. He's really bad at digging.

So you just say the word and Champion goes back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever.

No, that's Champion's spot. He called it.

Yeah. Champion is a way better kisser than you are, babe. He's even a better kisser than me.

Oh, look. The police even love it. They're sirening back to us.

Babe! Are you okay? He is peeing. He is now peeing. Now, I'm putting him down.

Oh! Don't make out. It's making Champion sad.

I KINDA WAS.

[southern accent] WELL, I RECKON IT'S JUST LIKE GRAMMY MARTHA TOLD ME AND MY COUSINS, 'YOU CAN'T EAT THE BISCUITS IF YOU DON'T PAY FOR THE FLOUR.'

WHAT, CHAMPION? YOU NEED TO GO OUTSIDE NOW? COME ON. THAT A BOY. SORRY, HE'S-- HATES AWKWARD SITUATIONS.

DON'T CARE.

[laughs] YES. THAT'S MY WIFE.

Have you tried... That's a four-letter word. Add an 'S'?

Did you try... Yes. Why is that everyone's first suggestion?

April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch and outside and smiling. She's weird.

Weird stick. Might be a clue? No.

Yeah. It's called music. And there's only one way to get a vaccine. And that is to play it. To play the... You get an injection.

It's kind of like We Are the World, except I actually think it could have a real impact on society.

She originally put me in charge of hot dogs at this fundraising barbecue, and I dropped them all. All of them. Like, 1,000.

DoubleTime, you said? Little brick building over on Liondale Road? Yeah. You know the one? No.

So, we have to play it perfectly every time? No, Burly. Play it unperfectly. You mean, imperfectly? I mean perfectly.

Was that a joke? Were you joking just now? Because if so, that was hilarious-ly awful-ly funny how bad that was.

Mine's really just a cup of honey because tea is gross.

(WHOOPS) To the man!

Who wouldn't? That sounds like an amazing day, right?

Toxic. Merkel. - Merkel. - What is 'Merkel'? She's the Chancellor of Germany.

Sometimes you just have to let a dog be a dog. He'll be all right. Champion! He'll come back.

Champion, you're lost and soon you'll be found / I rescued you from the pound, something something oh man on the ground / get on out of here

You probably should just sit there and not move. She's really tired. Just a few hours. Few hours?

Yes, but I hate them. I know you do, sweetheart.

Why don't we just turn up the pressure? That way you don't have to put your mouth so close. All right, here we go. Ah, stop! Honey, I'm sorry. That'll teach you to pay attention.

Oh, my-- dude, what the hell?

Kamikaze! Oh. [Laughs]

Because she's April, and she doesn't want you to think that she actually cares about something.

They're all girls. Women's studies.

Usually tests scare me, but this is an oral exam. And if there's one thing I know is--

My fantastic-- it's talk. God, I don't know.

We've gone 30 hours without breaking up. Our personal best is 47 hours.

It happened when she was out of town for two days and she forgot we were dating

Andy's long pause before repeating the exact same fact

Just one man's opinion

I was hoping for a P-plus, but that does not exist

Basically, best grade in the class-- tied for the best grade in the class

We'll let you pay for your own food, because of equality

And I'm gonna lock down that P-plus

You and the women taught me that nothing is impossible

Oh, my God, Ron... It was you who told me that. That's crazy.

We have now gone 48 hours without breaking up, shattering our previous record

48 of 'em. Different flavor for each hour.

Pigs are awesome.

Ooh, I can't believe our house is going to be full of rich people named Dottie and Todd and Rick.

Sweet! / No.

I recently invested in some shirts I got at a garage sale. Left those at Wendy's on the way home.

Uh-oh. Somebody forgot to pay the cable bill. Am I right? / It was me.

So Swayze runs, boom! Tackles the guy off the motorcycle... And he says, 'I used to [Bleep] guys like you in prison.'

Takes the esophagus out of the neck area. You can't eat. You'll starve to death. And that is Road House.

Luckily, it only hit Jerry, so no damage was done.

This is Bert Macklin's greatest assignment yet.

Andy recreating the pie trajectory by smashing pie into Jerry's face repeatedly

The video shows that the pie came from a high angle, so it would've hit your face... like this. Don't close your eyes.

If the--if the guy--if-- Okay.

Or... Leslie wasn't the target. Well, who then? Okay, that's permanent marker. Go find Ben, get a list of everyone he's ever fired. Go, go! Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Sewage Joe. Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis to everyone, and you've come here to 'pie' him. Little twerp has it coming.

Look at that. Look at that thing. What is that? Don't touch it.

April? Got your message! Where are you? Under the table. Why are you hiding?

First of all, you did the right thing by hiding under this table. Secondly, your man is here. I'm going to take care of this for us.

I've been playing Xbox for years. I'm really good at fixing it when it freezes. I know exactly what to do.

I'll quit, and we'll leave together. I'm serious. Move to a new city, change our names, burn our fingertips off with acid, swap faces.

Fixed it. What? What? How? Jerry accidentally deletes things all the time. Ten years ago, I installed my own secret backup.

How does this sound? 'Officer Dwyer, Pawnee P.D.'

That building looks like a boob.

Yeah, well, it's not. Oh, yeah, I know. It's the White House. No. It's the Capitol.

Now, throw it away, because Leslie Knope is your guidebook. I didn't... I didn't mean literally. I had some notes in it.

There's a mall? That's awesome. I need to get some flip-flops.

How do I know this isn't a treasure map just waiting to be unfurled? Because it's gum. That's gum.

Leslie, this is a really cool penis but Ben and April are meeting us at the Smithsonian in 10 minutes.

Sir, you protect our nation's history and you're a hero. Yeah. A hero with something to hide. Like probably a treasure map.

Could we just real quick stop at the nearest place that has free pants?

I love politics. Look. I made a shrimp claw. I'm really proud of you, babe. Now, put your used plate in my purse. I almost have a complete set.

Everything is going to be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he, too, is an amalgam. No. Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass Leslie. Nope. ...an amalgam. Nailed it.

Oh, my God. The smell is so much worse when you get up close. Yeah. Oh! Look. A handgun! I call it!

The White House, America's most whitest house. Most notably is where Sinbad lived in the film, First Kid.

Do you know why it's called the Oval Office? No. Because of a man. Oval Redenbacher. What? The popcorn inventor. He used to hang out with John F. Kennedy.

This tour guide is the most amazing tour guide there ever was. Please. Step up. $200 cash up front.

"I've been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days now."

Andy demonstrates his one push-up ability

That's a typo, right? I mean, that's humanly impossible.

No! I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.

There's something wrong with my body. My legs aren't working. I'm broken.

It's too bad there's not doctors for your mind.

Andrew, get your lunch, some water, and a 40-pound bag of asphalt. / Hey!

we do humbly request thine permission to befix doth holes yonder.

Seaweed choke! / That large boy is my colleague.

♪ Ron and Diane sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i.

Or does it require two princesses?

Oh, for the last four years everything has been princesses. Every book, every movie, every backpack. All princesses all the time. / Oh, that sounds fun. / It's a nightmare.

Tree, leaves, night, sky, hand. Andy's hand.

7:34 pm. Man dressed as a nerd. Female dressed as crazy witch. Neither of us is in costume. Case closed. Candy, please.

Honey, this is the hat I was wearing the first time I ever heard Vitalogy by Pearl Jam. / Oh, $900. / Yeah, that sounds about right.

I'm not gonna apologize. It wasn't even a real tiara, for God's sake. / Oh, well, relationship over. Too bad. / Oh, my God, you are so sad.

Police, open up, we have a warrant! Just kidding, it's us. Ha! We got you.

Pizza, the beach, rock and roll music. Smallpox, botched surgery, snails crawling out of your mouth. This is weirdly working. It's evening me out.

Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Looks and Professor Books. He's Looks. I got it.

Can you say 'per capita' again? I want to take a picture of you saying 'per capita.'

A game is the foot.

It's not. My real name is Gary. Well, Gary--if that even is your real name--

I can never tell when people are lying to me. Hopefully that doesn't come up in my police work.

Don't play stupid and handsome with me. You're as guilty as you are sexy.

Like a real crime? That's even better.

Boom, take 'em all out.

When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.

And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces. Incorrect.

Will you come down here, please, and keep me company? I'm so bored. I need you.

I did everything I was supposed to do, and I walked around the building four times. Only 20 minutes has gone by.

I got so bored, I started thinking about existence-- 'Do I matter? Do any of us? Is there a master plan in the works, a grand design?'

Isn't this how all great Bert Macklin cases start?

Have you guys seen Hitler?

Oh, hey, I'm just kidding, buddy. I'm just playing around. My name's really Andy Dwyer. I'm a security guard.

Thank you for saving me, Andy. Thank you, too, miss Hitler.

This time, the giant spider got caught in my web. Progress

You have Leslie and I have my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, who I see 15 times a week

I forgot to put on deodorant. And a jacket and one of my socks. Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that

There's a buffet-- in the house! I didn't even know you could do that!

Man, maybe going to therapy 1,000 times a week is helping. I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, you would have fallen apart. It's just a picture

I sat behind you in middle school band. Do you still play the clarinet?

I didn't even have time to take a shower before my wedding. Or after. For, like, a week and a half.

then I yell at Tom Brady and make him cry, then I hook up with Dave Matthews, and we play golden tee for ten hours.

I love them like they're my own children. You're big enough to play football yourself, it looks like to me. I can't tell if you're joking, but I hope you're not.

I got married in your jersey. That's no joke. That's weird. But I respect that.

How great a day was today? Oh, God, I could die. Greatest day of my life.

Okay, I know this text you sent me was a lie and Michael Stipe is not actually here, correct? Correct. That was a lie.

Andy, guard him. Eh, he's too big. I can't see over him. It's not fair. I feel like everyone should be the same size.

Tom, what the hell are you doing? I'm pivoting. Ben told me to pivot. I told you you can pivot, not that you can only pivot. Stop pivoting!

You realize you've said that about all of them? Well, she has, every single time. 'Cause she is super hot. Honestly, you'd look hot naked.

Fleetwood Mac Sex Pants. New band name. I call it. Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.

I wanted to bone her right there in that dirty church basement.

Well, frankly, you should have thought of that before we burned it.

First, we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation, which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, 'But he's got a great personality.'

Assault and battery. The way I remember that, I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries.

Arson is 533. You know how I remember that? I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire.

Baby, you are so creepy. Thank you. I love it.

I don't know how to answer that. A simple 'yes' or 'no.' Well, everyone calls me Andy, but my full name is Andrew, I think, so... No? Wait. Yes.

Well, first, I would be like, 'Dad... You're alive? What the hell? Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?'

Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me. Or here, no, try-- it's this hand. Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me. Try to hit me. If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, is the thing.

I guess I better commit as many crimes as possible tonight. Get it out of my system

I'm not supposed to see you before the wedding. Well, I saw him too

He chopped off both of his arms, so he wouldn't leave any fingerprints

Close only counts in horse grenades

It's from the movie Seabiscuit

Andy, as you requested, got you a three-pack of white T-shirts from Target. - Thank you. All mine are dirty.

Oh, I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired. Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me.

And the streets, as you know, are dangerous. Example--I fell in a sewer grate once. I was there all day. In conclusion, we cannot let our children live in the sewer any longer.

Well, let me tell you something else that's interesting, Ben. What? I farted five minutes ago. Didn't even smell it till just now. That's how tight my pants are.

What's everybody-- where are we?

Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I--no one ever lets me talk this long. I just got lost.

Uh, 'Spasm.' No, 'Butter Face'! Very good! Yes!

I already took what I call a 'dwyer shower.' I rubbed my armpits with air fresheners.

You're a dick. Excuse me? How dare you talk to me like that? Where are your manners?

"And I had nothing better to do. I'm doing it for free."

"All my favorite foods have butter on 'em. Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes. Butter is my favorite food."

How long was that under there?

Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted! I'm Ted, too, guys.

"Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted! I'm Ted, too, guys. Andy! Yeah! He's naked, everybody! Put that away! We're all Ted! Yeah! No, Andy!"

Okay, see you tomorrow, Jerry.

Sudoku is easy. Is there even rules to this game?

Hey, I'm like a giant squid. Hey, honey, I'm ink Dracula. Squid Dracula is going to get you.

Uh, you're on fire. [Gasps] Oh! Oh, my God, Jerry!

I am? You drove here. Nah, it's too late, bro. I already ordered the water. I don't know what you want me to do.

I didn't recognize us without me because I'm the only one that matters.

Well, I dropped my cell phone in a bowl of cereal last week, you idiot.

Maybe you should change your name to Burly and The Backstabbers. That's a pretty good name, actually.

Sometimes when you use a computer, it gets hot, and the fan cools it down.

Well, after tonight, you'll only know me as the former artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat.

♪ He made incredible nachos that everybody claimed they loved ♪

Funny goofball music Andy... Is gone. You're left with the professional remains.

That's right, two lead vocalists. Name one other band that's done that. The Beatles.

Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. That's why I was digging through the trash. Found that too. Pretty cool.

There's only one man for this job: Bert Macklin, FBI. They said I was retired. They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. Turns out they were right... and wrong.

Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Oh. Oh, hello...Ann.

A little something they taught us down at Quantico.

It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret. You're pregnant.

You're not? Damn it. Who is?

Whoa, I don't think so. Bert Macklin works alone.

Welcome to the FBI.

How many people am I talking to, Donna? One or 1 1/9?

Oh. Interesting. I don't remember saying anything about anyone being pregnant.

Whew. This case just got interesting. Well, not just. It was pretty interesting to begin with. This case just remained interesting.

Did you or did you not leave this positive pregnancy test in a dumpster in the woods?

Besides, the math doesn't add up because we only have sex every single day.

Bong. Bong. Bong.

After all, we did come all the way down under.

One bearded lady. She got all rude when I marveled at her.

I would get one in Pawnee, but fun fact-- our only baby store is attached to a chemical refinery.

These are the first bibs I've ever seen without Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s face on them.

Someone's back from London / No, it's not the Queen / Someone's back from London / It's not Mr. Bean / It's not the royal baby / I think his name is Jeff

Babe, if it was the 1690s, we'd all be mummies. / What do you think mummies are? / Skeletons?

You know how you Americans say 'cool' when something's cool? Over in London, we say, 'That's brilliant.'

I'm like Chuck Norris. Only instead of crushing bad guys' skulls, I'm crushing documents.

I'll karate punch your face with my tongue. / Prove it. / Hi-ya.

Every time you look up at the moon, I too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That's impossible.

I was just here in this dumpster, because I jumped in.

Every day, someone comes up to me and says, 'I need your approval on this, Mr. Dwyer. I need your signature, Mr. Dwyer. That's not a toilet, Mr. Dwyer.'

I am. But I'm like Chuck Norris now. Some old guy with a beard who used to be good at karate, but became a dumb has-been, and is scared and confused about his big London job.

Did you... / Yes, I used cookies instead of bread.

That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca.

Were you about to spray me with the hose inside the house?

I kinda want you to do it now.

Do you know anything from The Requiem for a Dream soundtrack?

Bears bouncing on trampoline roads.

I don't know, Leslie. It seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong. I haven't pooped in three days.

I'm just government junior

I once did the best prank of all time. I dumped all of my boss's action figures into a fish tank. Yeah, that was me. And I didn't really like it

No, that's a super small piano.

$75,000? How about 300? $300,000? 150. They'll do it.

150 bucks? Split that four ways, boom. $600.

Sex is cool. I say we finish on Drunk Off Our Asses. And I think we should do Sex in Space.

Dave Grohl might be there. I don't know. He might be anywhere. The guy's awesome, and he's unpredictable.

Dave Grohl might be there. I don't know. He might be anywhere. The guy's awesome, and he's unpredictable.

Umbilical school?

Oh, it's sex! Oh, crap. Now what the hell am I supposed to sing?

Pick your nose / 'Cause boogers are gross / Clean out your snout

I for instance peed the bed until I was 32

We have been on the prowl for some amazing pots. Well, that card's for three pans.

Dude, Ann, you know what I just remembered? We used to date. Yeah, we lived together for two years. I know, it's crazy, right? Anyways, you're the best. Have fun in Mexico.

Ask not what your country can do for you. From Family Guy, right?

I don't know who this is, but I agree. - It's Andy! - Hey. I'm on the radio!

Andy, this is a picture of us. This is a picture of an elderly couple.

Last time we scared an old person, Larry had a heart attack. That was awesome. He farted so much.

When did you get a fish?

Everyone ignores Ben's proud presentation of the website features to focus entirely on a panda mascot playing ping-pong

You look like Meryl Streep at the end of Ironweed.

You wish.

Ooh, I get it, you have car insurance. Why don't you brag about it?

Really? That's the best part. We should split a turkey sometime.

When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is.

When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is.

I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.

When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me.

Shotgun! I call shotgun. Where are we going? Doesn't matter. Shotgun. Shotgun on all rides for the rest of the day. For the rest of my life. In any car! Ha ha! I just faced you suckers!

Do you know what my social security number is? Or if I'm allergic to anything? I don't like corn. Should I put that down? Or will that be confusing? Because I do like candy corn.

Ron, look. I found all three differences. Those are two completely different pictures.

Oh, whoa. Five-second rule. No, ahh. Come on, we better get you to a dentist.

Do you know what my social security number is? Or if I'm allergic to anything? I don't like corn. Should I put that down? Or will that be confusing? Because I do like candy corn.

Well, my grandmother was missing that tooth, and she was the most beautiful woman on her oil rig.

That's why you know even though you're not my dad, you're like an old brother to me. Like a cool uncle, but old. Like a grandpa. But cool like a son.

Why would you do that? Oh, right. 'Cause calories.

When it's all said and done, there were a few mazes I'd cheated on. Also, the inside of my mouth is black and hot.

So do I strip down to my underwear, or all the way naked?

♪ Sarah Wei--April Ludgate ♪

If you don't show up in a limo, legally, they can't let you in.

Like flowers on the sunset of an eagle's poetry.

It's just--it's not good. It's not a good movie.

I think the extra length could help us get us over that lake.

Andy asking about vitamins: 'Is that the Fred one or the Barney one?'

Leslie: 'Oh, no. Damn it, Larry!' Andy: 'Sorry.'

Andy: 'I do it all the time' about puking in his car

Andy about first aid: 'Or karate. That's not first aid. It is if you do it right.'

Andy with giant candy: 'This counts as one.'

Andy: 'I made all the little coffee pods they had.'

Andy: 'You get pee-palm, too? Every time!'

Andy's pregnancy advice: 'Just because your family is getting bigger does not mean that you can't handle it.'

Andy: 'I thought you were getting a dog.' Leslie: 'Why did you go like this?' Andy: 'That's a sign for petting a dog that's sitting on your lap.'

Waitress: 'Put it in a doggy bag.' Andy: 'She's gettin' a dog!'

Andy about SATs: 'Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken Scantron machine.'

Johnny Karate theme song performance with Scott Tanner

Johnny Karate song performance with Scott joining in

Andy about dog care: 'You're gonna need a cage, a water bowl... Tick medicine.'

That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.

My neighbor Eric-- he's kept a secret for 20 years. He's in Witness Protection.

Oh, I forgot, other hand. Crap.

Oh, I forgot, other hand. Crap.

I'm not acting weird. You're acting weird.

[Breathing heavily] [Saw whirring]

It's about Larry. He is very sick. He has some kind of disease.

It's about Larry. He is very sick. He has some kind of disease.

I am hanging on by a thread over here.

I didn't mean to say 'Bye.'

Ben is dying--he has the same disease Larry has. Leslie is dying. They're both dying. I'm dying.

They're moving again to China...town in France.

Tom has something wrong with his butt.

Can't believe Michael Bay spent a billion dollars of his own money to build that for The Rock.

They give tours. Yeah. That's exactly how they'll be expecting me to try to break in.

Check it out, guys, all done. Only made, like, 12 mistakes.

I thought he was gonna be on it.

Yeah, man! We did it! This whole company is ours! Oh, no, it's not. That's mine. That's mine. It's all mine.

There's pizza in Pawnee. Right. Thanks, babe. You're so good at reminding me where pizza is.

Let's get divorced. That way we can get married again! Yes! Let's do it. We should do that, right? Yeah, totally. We're getting divorced! Yes! This is amazing!

And if you don't agree with us, it's nine against one and we can make you disappear forever. What? I said we have free WiFi.

Also, can you bring back Power Rangers? I don't know what it is you do, but you seem important enough to get that done.

Can't believe Michael Bay spent a billion dollars of his own money to build that for The Rock.

I couldn't tell, 'cause you had that mask thing over your eyes.

They give tours. Yeah. That's exactly how they'll be expecting me to try to break in.

I thought he was gonna be on it.

we could tell them that there's buried treasure in Pawnee, and then, after they give us the free WiFi, we tell them that the treasure was love all along.

What? I gave a kid pee-pants? Yes! That's why I do what I do.

Also, can you bring back Power Rangers? I don't know what it is you do, but you seem important enough to get that done.

Ben, how many bags of marshmallows do I give them? None. Just let April do everything.

Babe, I just dropped off Leslie's triplets with her mom. All three of 'em. Nailed it.

Welcome back to the Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show.

Andy, no. Ninjas attack! Andy. No. That's my crotch. Okay, guys. Three more kicks apiece.

You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership. I won.

I'm so crazy and spontaneous, I don't even need this sling anymore. Yes. Oh. Did you hear that pop?

You ruined it. We have to figure something else out. Should I still take the Zantac? Yeah, you always feel better when you do.

I'm gonna take a Zantac. All that salt will give me heartburn. Oh, God. You ruined it. We have to figure something else out. Should I still take the Zantac? Yeah, you always feel better when you do.

I'm gonna get naked. I'm gonna get up there. Everyone is gonna see my wiener. I mean, you've seen it. You know how dumb it looks.

They're still gonna serve that cake, right?

You know, I still think Kevin James was a weird choice for the reboot. Oh, I don't. I think he nailed it.

Tom. What does culinary mean? It means it's a cause for celebration.

That's my cousin. How about her? That's my dad!

Why are you only friends with your family?

Think about what you're saying right now. 'Cause it's the smartest idea anyone's ever had!

Chicago! The big apple.

Head coach of the Chicago Bulls. No, he's working at a non-profit. No. What? Am I?

I always just put six. So far, so good. Dude, you are totally going to jail.

Five-second rule!

Executive. Trampoline. Computer. Trampoline.

Um, spoilers much? Now I'll never read that book.

That book sounded so boring, I cried a little.

Babe, we should sell our dumb house and buy this one.

There's a bag of old hamburgers over there. What? How old?

I found an artifact! Historical artifact! William Henry Harrison's wig.

And while you're here, why not visit the Other Famous Harrisons exhibit?

Ooh! Like a giant hamster?

No one would ride in the boat with him because he had terrible BO. Then, he went with Janine, our counselor, and he fell asleep and got a boner.

Playing with our dog, staring contests, sex with me, etc. And then, I lost the list. So, I had to make a new list. I didn't have any paper, so I wrote it on my leg. And that's when my leg fell asleep.

And then, I lost the list. So, I had to make a new list. I didn't have any paper, so I wrote it on my leg. And that's when my leg fell asleep.

Maybe even Morgan Freeman-Shailene Woodley level. Naw. It's bad, but it's not that bad.

It makes sense if you've read the books.

Yeah, but all I really do is goof around all day.

Waterpark Vomit Chain Reaction

Get this--they're gonna pay me the minimum wage.

All we need is a blimp and a decoy blimp.

Oh, hell, yeah. Blimp time.

Occasionally on my show, we deal with real issues like bullying, peer pressure, or holding in farts.

In those very special episodes, I become Jonathan Karate, the very serious older brother of Johnny Karate.

Oh, my God. Where'd you come from? / The floor hole.

You need to tell me if Gavin is pooping. / No, do not laugh, okay? / You're not even Caleb. You're Gavin. You're Caleb.

You need to tell me if Gavin is pooping.

Here are all the troublemakers, boss.

Watch out for those riding lawnmowers, man.

The cool nicknames list mix-up with Apple juice, barbecue sauce, Count Chocula

Tell him it's Count Chocula... No, it's Andrew Dwyer. I'm sorry.

Assassins? Hit men? ... You guys are doctors? ... We build things.

Is this your brother? ... No. ... Fine. Yes, suppose the cat's out of the bag.

She designed her own major, Halloween Studies.

Does that compound your interest? Huh? What do you say? Huh, Barney?

Get me Garry Gergich.

Give me the job! My name's April Ludgate, and my talent is explosive. Go USA! USA! USA!

Hey! Yeah. No. No key. Just a note and a movie ticket stub and four teeth.

All we gotta do is train Champion to sniff out Ron's key. Okay. All we need is Ron's key to give him a scent. So give me the key and I'll get you that key.

I found this one, but it has a falcon on the top. I'll keep looking. No, that's it! That's it, Andy! Eagle, falcon, whatever. Not whatever. Eagles are more robust, have stronger talents. Didn't go to Bird School much?

We could easily go that route. Initiate Ghost Protocol. We switch faces, we burn our fingertips off with acid, we live in the tunnels beneath the Kremlin. We could do that easily.

These appear to be human teeth. And what is this? New Moon? It's a movie, but I've never seen it. It's, like, about lame werewolves and vampires and stuff.

Oh! Babe. You had a crush on me. That's embarrassing. We're married. Still.

Andy, where is it? / What? Uh-oh. / I took it out to play hide and seek. I couldn't find it.

I was not going to eat it, Carpenter Ron. I was going to lick it.

Always remember, kids, when you find something new, you must lick it before you eat it.

This, to me, seems like a... / You are mistaken. Remove the graphic.

Boring Buzzer sound effect

Not the fastest. What about teleporting?

Nothing is impossible, kids. / Teleportation is impossible.

You asked me to do this. This was a favor... / [BORING BUZZER]

I am going to be taking over hosting my friend's TV show. / Huh?

Literally, because normally I have a script that I have to stick to. But I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now. It's kind of a nightmare.

He had just broken both legs from falling into a pit. / I was super wasted. / It's a kid's show, Andy. / Yes. Good call. Kid's show. Good call.

Oh, no, I lost it. The day planner's gone. I can't find it anywhere. / Fitting, really.

I'm a cop! I should get some handcuffs too! Give me your cuffs, Randy.

President Jimmy Carter stole my guitar? / But why?

You stole Johnny Karate's guitar. / I didn't steal his guitar, man. I'm just doing this as a favor.

I once found a rock that looked exactly like Santa Claus. Hat and everything, so...

You're my Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon.

Tarantula! Could somebody get me outta here? Please? / I'll help you, John Cena. / No.

Hey. Hey, guys, listen. Leslie's gonna walk in and say something that sounds very boring but is actually a really big deal. So when I give the signal, just everybody cheer like crazy.

I'm realizing I know nothing about the logistics of how to start an underground dance competition, but someone here will.

Really makes you consider the 'postulence' of time.

Before I die, I'm freezing my head like Ted Williams. Wait a thousand years, thaw it out, slap it on a robot, keep on balling.

Was he killed by a younger, stronger barber?

I've already been to space. I was the second person to walk on the moon. Buzz Aldrin. Nice to meet you. Nice try. That's the guy from Toy Story.

No, that's not it. Are you in my Frisbee golf league? Oh, yeah. I play for the Super Spinners. Oh, I'm on the Frisbee Champs. I named us.

'Anything is possible if you follow your dreams.' Johnny Karate. Except getting a swing fixed. None of us actually work here anymore.

Shotgun! W-we're just taking the elevator. I get to push the buttons! I called it!

That sapphire has the power to activate the Cuban Missile Crisis!

Wait. Seriously? I -- 'cause I will go do that right now.

Did you eat all the candy? No! Did you? Yes. But that's not what's wrong.

I want to put a babe in you, babe.

Or even a little... Boy April.

Oh, I'm Sandra Dee... O'Connor. Get it? Sandra Dee plus Sandra Day O'Connor? Who's Sandra Dee? Who's Sandra Day O'Connor? Forget it.

Granted, I'd just face-planted on my rollerblades. That's what they were laughing at.

Burt Macklin Jr.? Mm. We need a Halloween angle. How about Demon Spawn Baby Satan Dwyer?

Maybe Burt Snakehole Ludgate... Karate Dracula Macklin Demon Jack-o'-Lantern Dwyer? We call him Jack for short?

Listen to me very carefully. I don't know who you are or what you want, but I have a particular set of skills...

Yeah, we know what that means -- More smart room for it.

Hey, babe, for this picture, should I be Burt Macklin, Johnny Karate, or my new character, Sergeant Thunderfist, M.D.?

Someone has stolen my guitar

If we don't get that guitar back, the peace in Iraq will be canceled

I'm drowning in the adult end of the pool, and the lifeguard's off in the bathroom pooping

That instrument is worth literally $900 million

A one-way ticket to the Funky Monkey Dunk Tank!

It's the capital of the entire world

It's this crazy statue of this giant monster sitting on a chair that represents all of America's enemies

I took it out to play hide and seek. I couldn't find it.

April's Animal Corner has turned into one of our favorite segments

Here's a disclaimer. I didn't read this disclaimer.

Always remember, kids, when you find something new, you must lick it before you eat it.

Not the fastest. What about teleporting?

Nothing is impossible, kids.

Never attack a real postal employee. We're allowed to attack Mailman Barry because he volunteered

Literally, because normally I have a script that I have to stick to. But I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now.

It's kind of a nightmare.

I was super wasted.

Hopefully there's a pit in Washington D.C. that I could fall into.

Still do!

Oh, no, I lost it. The day planner's gone. I can't find it anywhere.

I would've chugged that entire gallon of milk, had I not started puking out of nowhere.

My name is Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin.

Just drain the ocean.

I'm a cop! I should get some handcuffs too!

President Jimmy Carter stole my guitar?

Wait. You're Andy. Yeah. I'm Andy. From the information I got I just assumed you'd be like 10 years old.

You're going in the dunk tank, bud. I don't wanna go in the dunk tank.

I once found a rock that looked exactly like Santa Claus. Hat and everything, so...

You're my Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon.

Could somebody get me outta here? Please? I'll help you, John Cena. No.