Andy Dwyer

Andy · Ann:Doorbell! Yeah, I heard it. Doorbell! I heard it. I'm getting it.

Andy:Could you pass me my itch stick?

Andy:I can't believe you fell in, too. That's awesome.

Andy · Ann · Leslie:Oh, hey, baby, if you're going to the kitchen, could you make me pancakes real quick? Uh, sure. Ooh, are pancakes being made? Yeah, sure.

Andy:I don't know, she's a little doofy. But she's sweet.

Andy:Lawrence lives with his grandma. Which is pretty awesome. He takes care of her, I guess. But whatever, he's a douchebag.

Andy:I'm in a band. It's called Just the Tip.

Andy:Oh. Yeah. That's actually a great story. I just finished up a gig with my band Three Skin, formerly Four Skin, but our bassist left for personal reasons.

Andy:And I thought I saw a toaster lying in the pit. And I was like, 'Maybe I should get that.' And I fell in and broke my legs.

Shauna · Andy:Why would you want a toaster that's lying at the bottom of the pit? / I don't know. I was pretty wasted.

Ann · Andy:Wait. You were drunk? / Oh, yeah. Totally. / You knew that. / I didn't know that, no.

Ann · Andy:You should've told me, because we gave you anesthesia at the hospital. / I was probably not thinking 'cause I had two broken femurs and I was blackout drunk.

Andy:Like you're perfect. You're on the pill. You drink all the time. You're allowed to do that.

Andy · Ann · Leslie:Called it. I called that. / You remember that? Yeah. / He did, actually. He totally called that.

Andy:He was probably thinking with the head of his wiener instead of the head of his brain.

Andy · Ann:I bet he didn't use a condom. / Andy, God!

Andy:She is an angel. And I seriously love her. Hard.

Andy:I took a bunch of painkillers. They're about to kick in so I'm ready to go.

Andy:I wish I could say some of this mess was Ann's, but it's all mine. I'm kind of a nester.

Andy:I'm doing a little experiment tonight to see what will get me drunker. Drinking wine...

Andy:This is how they clean their dog.

Andy:I just put 12 new batteries in that thing!

Andy:I was chasing our neighbor who's a total jagweed and I fell in some prickly bushes.

Andy · Ann:Somebody is getting gently laid tonight. Andy! God!

Andy:Babe, I'm out of milk.

Andy:Oh. Hi, Leslie. I thought you were a dude.

Andy:Your boobs are dead.

Andy:Hey, my iPod! Oh, yeah! My pirate!

Andy:Andy immediately falling over when trying to walk

Andy:Sandwich! Are you turkey or ham?

Andy:Lamp! Wish you were a lamp that would light up when you get touched

Andy · Unknown:You know... I don't really like to define it but it's like Matchbox Twenty meets The Fray. So, rock. Well, again, I don't really like to define it.

Andy:The band has had a few different names over the years... [long list ending with] ...and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud, I kind of hate it.

Andy:Could you grab me a triple whiskey water?

Andy:Ann [sung repeatedly]

Andy:Pit! I fell in it, the pit / You fell in it, the pit / We all fell in it, the pit

Andy:No! Screw it! We are Mouse Rat!

Andy:I really, really like it when you serve me food.

Andy:Pit! I fell in it, the pit / You fell in it, the pit / We all fell in it, the pit

Andy · Ann:What? Can I come in? I just want to talk to you for a second.

Andy:Oh, yeah, the monkey suit. Cost 3,000 bucks, but totally worth it. I sold out!

Andy:and I really think it would behoove us to give it another shot.

Andy:And the hardest part about living in this pit is probably keeping my suit pressed.

Andy:It's like a freaking rat parade every night.

Andy:Shovel guitar. Somebody wants to play shovel guitar. Leslie's been playing shovel guitar for about an hour now. Bucket drum.

Andy · Tom:You're not from here, right? No, I'm from South Carolina. But you moved to South Carolina from where? My mother's uterus. But you were conceived in Libya?

Andy · Tom:What about Barack Obama? Yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a dude named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

Leslie · Andy:You're living in the pit now? For now, yeah. It's awesome. Somebody planted a garden down there with fruits and vegetables, so I'm getting a lot of vitamins.

Andy:Don't look at me. There's weed down there? I thought that was the tops of carrots.

April · Andy:Do you live here? Yeah, do you live here? Catch.

Andy · Tom:I miss her so much, it's ridiculous. How's she doing? Doing good tonight. She's out on a... Ann is great. And I bet she really misses you.

Andy · Andy:You know there's a string in there. Not in this one. Instant sugar high. Sugar high. Sugar hit high. Sugar high. High. Sugar slam.

Tom · Andy:So, do you like spy on Ann? From the pit? I just like being nearby. That way if she wants me back, I could be at her house in two seconds, before she changes her mind.

Andy · Tom:She's dating somebody else? I didn't say that. Who is she dating? What? Is she dating somebody else? I didn't say that. Who is she dating? Nobody. Mark.

Andy:When you had that barbecue, I didn't come up, even though it smelled so good.

Andy:I don't know about you, Mark, but I've seen a ton of porn, and I know what fixing your shower means.

Andy:I was thinking that there was once a time when Mark used to be the stranger in the house. And now it's me.

Andy:That went really well! We had dinner, I got to see her. Oh, God, I was so tempted to look back at her. Was she looking? I had to walk so slow. A good day.

Andy:This is one of my favorite pick-up strategies. I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of 'em have shown up.

April · Andy:You live in a pit. Not anymore. Living with the drummer of my band. Living indoors. Pretty cool. Not to brag. Kinda hard not to.

Andy:Me and an old Asian lady are double-teaming some monkey bars, so.

Nurse · Andy:The monitor is not a toy, Andy. Anything is a toy if you play with it.

Andy:I saw an old cereal box I hadn't read before, so I must've drifted off.

Andy:My God, my sexy sweater! It has a hole cut out over the bicep.

Andy:A tragic accident reignited feelings you thought were long dead and we are finally back together.

Andy · Ann:What does he have that I don't have? Are you serious? Everything.

Ann · Andy:Thank you so... Why are you naked? Because of what you said, we're getting back together.

Andy · Ann:You should've heard the sexy stuff she said. I said 'hey, Andy, it's Ann, can we talk at my house?' That's not how you said it, you were like, 'Hey, Andy, it's Ann, can you talk at my house?'

Andy:None of your clothes fit me, so I'm putting an apron over the front stuff.

Andy · Leslie:I want Ann back, and she said she needs a guy with a lot of money. That doesn't sound like Ann. I can't really do her voice.

Andy:$100,000, I can probably get a bank account.

Andy:I can make six bucks a day playing guitar in the street. I can't make six bucks a day.

Andy · Scott:A guaranteed starting spot on the Indianapolis Colts... inside linebacker. We can't accomplish that.

Andy:I've already been injured in that thing twice. And I can fall in ten more times by 'eventually'.

Andy · Leslie:He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on? No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?

Andy:A week ago I had nothing. Now, I have a part-time job. I'm gonna make $32 tonight. I owe Leslie everything I have. Which, after tonight, will be $39.

Andy:My name is Bert Macklin. I'm with the FBI.

Andy:Bert Macklin, FBI.

Andy:The President of the United States of America.

Andy:Yeah, it was bad FBI work, too. My bad.

Andy · Leslie:Yeah, but you were probably a nerd, though, huh? Hey. Leslie, I mean that in a good way.

Andy:I'm not even in the FBI, stupid.

Leslie · April · Andy:April, stop that. Who are you texting? / You. / She's texting me.

Andy:Shine, shine, shine your shoes? What do you say, sir? Ma'am, shoeshine? I won't look up your skirt.

Andy:Just trying the rat race. Chasing the cheese. Racing the rats. To get the cheese.

Andy:It is definitely due to... the economy. I've been hearing a lot of people say that a lot, about a lot of stuff.

Mark · Andy:I'm more than a friend of Ann's. / Not for long. / I'm sorry? / I don't know.

Andy:Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer, and I would be a perfect contestant for deal or no deal.

Andy:I'm on a break. One of the many advantages of owning your own business.

Andy · Donna:If you had to choose, who would you choose? Right now, on the spot. / I'm not sure. Why don't you spin around for me.

Andy:Is punching allowed on the high road?

Andy:Andy and Ann's family shoeshine? I thought it had a nice ring to it.

Andy:Never understood the term elbow grease. I guess it's not really grease. Just hard work.

Andy:I feel right at home as a shoeshine. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really, really well.

Andy:A piece of art caused me to have an emotional reaction. Is that normal?

Customer · Andy:What the ****, man? / I don't know what happened. Frankly. I emitted a noise. The noise was involuntary. Sometimes a sound is just a sound, you know?

Andy:Only god could do that!

Andy · Andy:I like the green one and the red circle right here. / I'm tearing up, man.

Tom · Andy:His new thing... Piggyback rides. Anytime you want. Piggyback! Piggyback! Move! Piggyback. Bam!

Andy:Giddyup!

Andy:I am on hold with the State Parks Department I am on hold so suck on my butt

Andy:Maybe a deer will eat him. That'd be awesome, but I don't think that will happen, probably.

April · Andy:You know, if I gave you a hickey, it would totally make Ann jealous. I don't know, I think that would... That's pretty gross. What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?

Andy:The shoeshine stand still doesn't have that syphilis medication you were asking about.

Andy:we don't have those extra-small condoms you ordered. I called the factory. It's gonna take a special order. Not just because of the size, but because of the weird shape as well.

Andy:Every day I subtly chip away at their relationship, weakening it little by little.

Andy:No, I figured because pool is all about angles, and he's a failed architect, that he might want to play pool. Really? That worked?

Andy:Step two has been completed. Easily. Very easily. Mark is pretty good at pool.

Andy:Mark is way better than me. I'm gonna... I'm gonna say that there is at least... a chance... that I didn't think this through completely.

Andy:A t-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in. It's literally priceless.

Andy · Mark:So if I win, I also get Ann. Okay, fine. If you win, then you get Ann.

Andy:I'm awesome at pool, and I hustled your ass.

Andy:I know that legally Ann is now mine, but, it weirdly doesn't feel that way.

Andy:You remembered how much I like to say 'psych'.

Andy:Goodbye, A-cakes.

Andy:You like your wife? That's a bummer. Anyone knows that you like your wife? Your wife knows that you like your wife?

Andy · April:Brokeback Mountain DVD. No. Fellows love that. No. Does he already have, like, chaps? Like assless chaps?

Andy:It's all I'm gonna think about, but you're in good hands. I'm gonna come up with something really, really good.

Andy:'The Parks lady boned Dexhart,' and, 'Of course she did, she's totally good to go.' And one guy was like, 'I wouldn't hit that.' And the other guy was like, 'Me neither.' And then this third guy was like, 'I would.'

Andy · April:First idea, spray tan gift certificates. Ugh. No. Trip to Germany?

Andy:Indianapolis Colts' Reggie Wayne jersey, number 87, double XL, home blue, signed by Reggie Wayne right after he catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.

Andy:I have been writing a lot of songs about shining shoes lately. I tend to write about what I'm doing.

Andy:Talking about writing about what I'm doing. Now I'm singing about talking about writing about what I'm doing

Andy:Seems like the shoe is in the other foot. And the guy who polishes shoes is now me.

Andy:I would say, in terms of guys that she's in love with, Justin's up here, I'm up here, and then you're down here.

Andy:Maybe if you had, I wouldn't have left.

Andy:Hi, Kyle. You know, right before you sat down, I noticed, did you have some kind of stain on your ass, or something? What was that?

Andy:He got it in Cambodia, when he was hiking Mount Everest.

Andy:I'm being sarcastic. That would be awesome.

April · Andy:Yeah. He's actually kind of awesome. You're underage.

Andy:Oh. No. I'm sorry. We're closed, due to betrayment.

Andy:Wow. Unbetrayed.

Andy:Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from the boxes and use it for break dancing.

Andy:'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.

Andy · Jerry:Terrific's not more than amazing, Jerry. No? Well, it's not less.

Andy:You know, for a gay couple, you guys are being really gay.

Andy:So there's that one, I guess.

Andy:Bottom line: It's called sex hair. It's about how you can tell when someone's just had sex 'cause of how their hair gets matted up in the back.

Andy:Dude, kyle, I'm gonna lose my on you If you ask me one more time.

Andy:Uh, I mean, that sucked, didn't it?

Andy:But I can't-- if that happens here, My eyes will fall out of my head, and I'll die.

April · Andy · April · Andy · April · Andy:Then I'll make out with ben. Pass. No, he's my boyfriend. You can either make out with both of us or none of us. Fine. None of you. Fine.

Unknown · Unknown · Andy:You sound like dean martin. If I were 50 years younger... Ew. Wait, who's dean martin?

Andy:If I'm not mistaken, that was The old lady version of flashing. Nailed the gig.

Andy:Come on! No. We're finally starting to get serious results.

Andy:That's not a working fireplace, Andy. Stop writing phone messages on the wall, Andy. Dude, seriously, I love you but stop digging that weird hole in the backyard.

Andy:Well, we're not Mouse Rat anymore. We changed it to Tackleshaft.

Andy · April:April, you're like an angel with no wings. So, like, a person?

Andy:I can afford, like, 300 bucks a month. I've always wanted a doorman named Ernie. That'd be awesome. Or Kipp. I'm pretty flexible on that.

April · Andy:Here's a great one. It's a Tudor mansion. It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms. It's got a tennis court, a pool and a three-car garage. What? And it's only $20,000 a month. And it's in Chicago. Ah! That close! It was almost perfect.

Andy:The acoustics in the bathroom are insane.

Andy:I could definitely picture myself doing something over there.

Andy:It screams Andy Dwyer.

Andy:The two lines I've put into every song I've ever sang, 'Spread your wings and fly,' and 'You deserve to be a champion.'

Andy:Yeah, well, I'm investing. I'm like Warren Buffay.

Andy · April:Yo, police! / No, you're not. Coffee!

April · Andy:I only ever bring you coffee. / And it is my very favorite non-alcoholic hot drink, except for hot tea. And hot orange juice, weirdly delicious.

Andy:I got a really bad case of shoeshine head today.

Andy:It's when you shine too many shoes and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain.

Andy:Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers

Andy:and napping on the floor.

Leslie · Andy:Andy will come in to... / Andy! / I got it!

Andy · Leslie:Please, my friends call me Andy Radical. / No, we don't.

Andy:By day, Andy Dwyer, shoeshine-ist. By a different time of day, Andy Radical, possum tackler. And by night, I do whatever I want. No job.

Andy:And then afterwards, had sex with Mark and everyone talked about it.

Andy · Shauna:So, I thought to myself, 'Don't think, Andy, act.' / So, you weren't thinking? / Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

Andy:You know what? 'Friends' sounds stupid. Colleagues.

Andy:They are bad at sharing, but they are good at tag.

Andy:I broke up with Ann. Yeah. Shortly after she kicked me out and told me we wouldn't be together anymore.

Andy:Of all the things I thought would bring us back together, catching a possum was never on that list.

Andy:I think I nailed it. I fell off the stool once when I was trying to look serious, but I'm okay.

Andy:Man, our happy reactions are super different.

Andy · Mark · Ron:Those city planning guys can be real pains in the ass. / Okay. I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes... / Ron, shut up.

Andy:'I wouldn't have been able to do it without an early-morning caffeine boost from the amazing April Ludgate. She gave me the liquid courage I needed to wrestle that beast to the ground.'

Andy:How did you counter-attack? Fist to the throat? Did you hit him in the beanbag? There's no shame in attacking a criminal's beanbag.

Jerry · Andy:No, I just curled up and laid still until they left. Well, that's another way to play it.

Andy · Ann:Scrotation Marks. I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no.

Andy · Ann:Oh! What's up now, mugger? Ann, that was awesome. That was really good.

Andy:But just promise me you'll be ready, because, I mean, I don't want to destroy you.

Ron · Andy:Sorry I squeezed your lights out there, son. No worries. Will you show me how to do that move, though?

Andy:Oh! Hey! Ann Perkins, in the 'shoe-shouse.'

April · Andy:I got you one of those veggie muffins that you're always eating. Score. Yeah. It tastes like a rug. Shut up. Don't hit me.

Andy:why is my cup so tiny?

Andy:April threw the smoked salmon on the roof.

Andy:Sweater swap. She noticed. You were right.

Andy:How about 'life is a picnic...With you'? Whoa. Then it could be about a girl... Or peyton manning.

Andy:For realskies?

Andy:Bert Macklin, FBI, on the case.

Andy:When April was born, I was already in 3rd grade. Which means if we were friends back then, I'd have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. My God, I could've killed her.

Andy:You won me over. I will join your team. I'm sorry, um, what we need-- When does practice start? And do you provide the jerseys? What color are the jerseys by the way? What's our team name? Are we 'the lightning'?

Citizen · Andy:Just say out loud 'yes' or 'no'. Eeeeeee-boop!

Andy · Ron:Either you hire her back or I quit. You don't work for me. And I never will, sir.

Andy:What, and shoot him?

Andy:Oh, come on, Ron. I'm just a little puppy. I ain't done nothing wrong. I'm just a puppy.

Andy:I like your mustache. I wish I could have one. But I can't. Because I'm just a little puppy.

Andy:Salad sucks. There. I said it.

Andy:You've got sex hair / You got it from me, girl. Sex hair

Creepy Caller · April · Andy:Listen, my van's out back. Let's roll. No. Please leave. Where are you going? Is this guy bothering you? No, I'm bothering you. For bothering her.

Andy · April:Andy guessing 'April' when asked about a song named after a month, and the awkward 'That would have been way better' response

Tom · Andy:Tom and Andy's terrible math trying to calculate the dating age rule, both arriving at different wrong answers

Andy:Andy's immediate realization that 'Tom says it's okay' probably means 'it isn't okay'

Andy:Andy asking 'What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?' (presumably about Ben)

Andy · Ann:Andy's enthusiastic greeting contrasted with Ann asking if she was a good girlfriend

Andy:Andy's confused realization: 'I thought she liked me. I guess I'm super bad at picking up signals'

Andy:Andy calling Jean-Ralphio 'that Ralph Macchio guy'

April · Andy:April's relief contrasted with Andy's observation: 'For once, it's Ann who blacked out drunk And not Andy.'

Andy:Andy's song lyrics: 'November, your bangs are cute / November, your voice is a flute' followed by the reveal 'That song is about April'

Andy · Ron:The government is shut down. It's in every newspaper. / How long is it going to last? Well, if we're lucky, this building will be empty for months.

Andy:I just got this super sweet-ass rad crotch rocket... Got a really good deal on my lease. Paying 12% interest. It's, like, one of the highest you can get.

Andy:Uh-oh! / Nailed it.

Andy:Hammering away.

Andy:Yeah, it's just like driving half a car.

Leslie · Andy:Well, just take the word 'sex' and change it to 'pickle.' / You got pickle hair, baby And you got it from me / Yeah. Still sounds like it's about sex.

Andy:There's an old saying in show business. 'The show must go wrong.' Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.

Andy:My life is a motorcycle crash right now.

Andy:But, like, two minutes ago, me and Ann did kiss.

Andy:Nailed it.

Andy · Leslie · Andy · Leslie · Andy:Make the world's biggest pizza. / No, make this town fun for the people who live here. / Fine, but after that, the pizza is our top priority. / No, it's not. / We're getting pizza?

Andy:April, hey, it's me, Andy Dwyer. This is like the 200th message I've left you, without a response. So, if you're trying to tell me something, I do not know what it is because you won't call me back.

Ben · Andy:So, that just means that we're in maintenance mode. / Yeah! Jerry!

Andy:I'd say my coaching style is centered around fundamentals, with an emphasis on fun. Hey, watch this. Go get it. Yeah! And a second emphasis on mental.

Andy:But every time I look one of these kids in the eyes and he calls me Coach... That's how I know I agreed to be a coach.

Andy:I dedicate this victory to April Ludgate. It feels good. And it feels sticky. From the Gatorade.

Andy:Really? Wow. Across the pond.

Andy:How do you say, 'Have a great time, don't choke on anything'?

Andy:From some city in Mexico.

Leslie · Andy:You swing the hardest, damn it. You go big or you go home. And you don't seem like the kind of guy who goes home. / I'm not. I don't even really have a home.

Andy · Leslie:Check your testicles? / No. Not that. Although that is very good advice. Looking at you, Jerry.

Andy:All due respect, Eduardo. You seem like a great guy. But I like April. And I'm coming after her with everything I've got.

Andy:Not Friday. I have to go visit my cousin. But I will be back after that to ask you again.

Eduardo · Andy:You should do it. Follow your dream. / Oh, my God. Really? That's awesome.

Andy:Check this out. I just invented it. Super-straw.

Andy:Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.

Andy:I just dropped another call. [DIAL TONE]

Andy:It literally killed a guy last year.

Andy:Not like, 'Damn, you're fine,' but fine health-wise.

Andy:You could be asleep for hours. Maybe I'll come back later.

Andy:Gross. Your forehead is all sweaty. That's gross. But I still like you.

Andy · Chris:Present company excluded. Oh, thank you. Uh, I was talking about me.

Andy:He didn't... he didn't pay me.

Andy:I cannot figure out who my boss is.

Andy:Dude, that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk.

Andy:Hey, you know who should wear these shoes? Monkeys.

Andy · Chris:I'm nice. Good! Nice. What else? I'm in a band. Band! What else? That's it.

Eduardo · Andy:David Matthews! Crash into me! Yes! I love that song.

Andy · Eduardo:That means 'thank you'? Yes. Nailed it.

Andy:I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation?

Andy · April:He was a really good bassist. I was actually started to like him. I know. That's what made me start to hate him.

Andy:Yeah, Ben, these guys are cops, not ballerinas.

Andy:Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now. But no matter what, you must keep going. No. You must stop. I love you, buddy. Follow your dreams.

Andy:I eat 'running the permits desk for an hour' for breakfast.

Andy · Henry:Physical comedy of child hitting Andy in the groin repeatedly

Andy:Dear April's grandmother... I said grandfather. You are a beautiful and amazing woman... Man. I hope someday, I can become half the woman you are... He's a man.

Andy:Thank you for the $500... It was $5. Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD... He is deaf.

Andy:Boom. A sad desk. Boom. Sad wall.

Andy:Sorry for stepping on you, floor.

Police Officer · Andy:Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van? Yeah. But she's being really difficult about it, and it's actually not my van.

Kyle · Andy:My identity was stolen. - His identity was stolen! Tell her about the accounts. - They were frozen. - Frozen.

Andy:If you hate it, we'll leave and go make out. But if you love it, we'll stay and make out. Either way, a ton of making out.

April · Andy:It's pollution from the sweetums factory. - It's gorgeous. - But is it worth the asthma? - No.

Andy:♪ and I had to fight a squirrel ♪

Andy:And I had to drink most of it to survive.

Andy:which is officially my friend Burly's home, because I don't have a home.

April · Andy:And dinner parties do combine two of our favorite things... dinner and parties.

Andy:It's like if you could have a Xbox pancake.

Andy:Well, you are a huge nerd. But I'd be sorry to see you go, man.

Andy:To each other.

Andy:Well, I mean, it's actually a really funny story. We were hanging out. And suddenly, I was like, 'What if we got married tomorrow?' And she was like... 'Fine.'

Andy:Like, a house or, like, a condo or something. Probably a condo. It's... you can't just get a condo. No, you're right... house.

Andy:This shirt is hilarious.

Andy:And I don't care if I have to fight an ultimate fighter or a bear or him, your mom... I would take them down.

Andy:You're not still married, are you? But you... you're straight? Jean-Ralphio's just a friend?

Andy:I mean, seriously, I cannot emphasize how little we thought about this.

Andy · April:We're having so much fun, except for, uh, Roberta here turns out sucks at water-skiing so bad. I'm gonna divorce you.

Andy:I'm getting healthier snacks for the shoeshine stand. Chris is a food genius. Did you know that the food you eat becomes energy? Yeah. Boom. That's spaghetti. Nachos. That's a cookie.

Store employee · Ron · Andy:Sir? Is there a problem? I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this. I don't think I can give you any more. I want one.

April · Andy:Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food? Well, I take Skittles, and I put it between two Starbursts. You know what I call it? Skittle sandwich? That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.

April · Andy:I said one thing. Honey? Pinwheel.

April · Andy:Look. Cucumber flower. Wow, that's so cute. Wait, that's a garnish. You're not supposed to eat that. What?

Andy · Kyle:Stop being so pretentious, Kyle. Sorry.

Andy · April:Hard work never pays off. Cooking is dumb. I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.

Andy · April:She's joking. Okay. You can use as much free electricity as you want. - It's free.

Andy:We leave the tv on all day long so burglars think that we're home when we're not, which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.

April · Andy:- You want my gum? - Mm-hmm.

Ben · Andy:You guys--you wash your clothes in bubble bath? Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing. No, it's not. Well, they both make bubbles, so...

Andy · Ben:Which I organize into a pile or stack that I put into the freezer. - Why? - So they won't get lost.

April · Ben · Andy:Or we could buy a Wii. You can handle this. I don't know, man. Why don't you just do it? No, I can't. I--I...Have a date. Ooh, what's his name?

Andy:Get it all. Grab everything that we've seen it on TV and put it in this cart right now.

Andy:But if you think for one second I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.

April · Andy · Leslie:Oh, my God. Is that you as a naked horse? Does it look like me? I don't even-- Leslie, I mean, not to be inappropriate or anything, 'cause you're my boss and my friend, but I would totally hit that. - So would I.

Andy · Ben:She stole money from you. What? No, no, Andy, she did not.

Andy:Look at me and April. If you're anything like us, three weeks from now, you'll be married, my friend.

Andy:I will give 110 percent! Well, as soon as you repeat yourself in a more interesting way.

Andy:Hello, Wall Street. Buy more stocks. Now.

Andy · Ethel:This phone kind of smells like a butt. Try not to move things around. Because technically speaking, this is still a crime scene.

Ron · Andy:Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death. Okay.

Andy:A year ago, I lived in a pit. Now I got a job, and a kickass wife. And my band is so good, and are you gonna eat that pecan square?

Andy:What a moron.

Andy · Leslie:In my heart, I'm sad you had to die. Li'I horse, spread your wings and learn to fly. Horses don't fly. That's why I'm telling him, 'learn to fly.'

Andy:You're a champion little horse And you're dead You're the champion of death

Andy:What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind? This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind.

Andy:Up in horsey heaven Here's the thing You trade your legs for angel's wings And once we've all said goodbye You take a running leap and you learn to fly

Andy · Customer:Eighteen bucks each, $40 for the set. That doesn't add up. You don't add up.

Andy:You know what? Respect. That's a baller move. Pun intended.

Andy · Ben:Destroy my credit cards. Debt and everything? Mr. Mayor, I promise you that we will find the owner of that wiener, and we will punish him.

Andy · Leslie · April:I don't know what to do. Me, neither. You give such good advice. Babe, I love you. You're welcome.

Andy:Shoe shining has been a pretty wild ride, but is it possible there's something more out there for me?

Andy · Kyle:Kyle, beat it. I'm going to make out with my wife now. But you've only done half of one of my shoes. Here. Now, I haven't done anything. Scram, kid.

Andy:Leslie, I'm going to work my ass off for you. I'll do anything you ask me. I will prove myself. You don't even have to pay me.

Andy:Tim. Tim Buckanowski. Really? No. Andy Dwyer

April · Andy:Here we go. Helping Leslie. Okey-doke.

Andy:Here's my goal. I'm going to get these two people that I've known for a long time to talk to me for five minutes. Who am I kidding? One minute. One minute would be amazing.

Andy:When Leslie's in trouble, there's only one man for the job. Bert Macklin, FBI. You thought I was dead? So did the President's enemies.

Andy · April:You know, I think I'm just gonna hang out here with you guys, if that's cool. It's not. Great. I could leave. I could. But I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, damn it.

Andy · April:Hey, April. I was looking to get some new music. And I was wondering if you could recommend anything. The Internet.

Andy · April:I really like your haircut. Where did you get it? Prison.

Andy · April:How is your sister doing? She has the shingles. Who is your favorite character on Sex and the City? ALF.

Andy · Ron:You're stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing that you bring with you? Silence.

Andy:That's broken.

Andy · Leslie:I also got this dude's briefcase. It was just laying there. Kind of a panic move. I believed in you. But you should put that back. Okay.

Ann · April · Andy:Well, this guy came in. He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out. Was there a lot of blood? What kind of blade did he use? Three and a half inch. Serrated. Buckets of blood.

Andy:Everyone in the universe loves a gross medical story. Boom! I win!

Ron · Andy:When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them. That's a genius move. Thank you. You're welcome, Lester.

Andy:This weekend, you have two parents. Me and Mother Nature. And I am Mother Nature's brother, Brother Nature.

Andy:But you can call me Andy. Or Brother Nature. Your call.

Andy:Someone will die. Of fun. And of murder.

Andy · April:Blood orphans. No blood orphans. I don't know what that is.

Andy:I'm a sumo wrestler after he lost the weight.

Andy:Shock wire. I call it that, 'cause if you take a shower, and you touch the wire, you die!

Andy:The Dwyer method, which was yelling, wrestling, crying followed by lots of hugs. And then more wrestling, but the fun kind. And then crying when the fun kind of wrestling got out of hand.

Andy:Psych! Blood capsules.

Ben · Andy:Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts... It's going to be about 5,600 bucks. Deal?

Leslie · Andy:Again, Andy, you don't need to bow.

Andy:I live on planet Nut Bran. Bran and nuts are very helpful for your colon.

Andy:That's because repetition is the key to a good marriage.

Andy:I'd like to remake the movie Kazaam with Shaquille O'Neal where he plays a genie, and I'd like to get it right.

Andy:When people are walking by, be like this. [visual gag of Andy demonstrating snooty airplane behavior]

Andy:Whoa! Still a lot left over.

Andy:Yes! Now, this is what I imagined.

Andy · April:Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life? I just handed it to you.

Andy:Nickels. I want nickels. A billion nickels!

Andy:Oh, yeah! 10 bucks. That counts as winning the lottery.

Andy:Honey, my bucket list doesn't say, 'Make a pretty awesome grilled cheese sandwich.' We gotta go back to the store.

Andy:My face is fine, Mikhail Petrov.

Andy · April:Looks like this Siberian husky is going off to jail. Russian off to jail.

Andy:I tell you what. You play whatever you want. I'm just going to take a real quick snooze for, like, 12 hours so I'm fresh.

Andy:Where's all the faces? Like the presidents.

Leslie · Andy:Andy, will you be Iceland? / The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2?

Leslie · Andy:How 'bout Germany? / They've never been the bad guys.

Andy · Leslie:And I'll be the Moon. / No, you're gonna be South Africa or Pakistan. / I'm the Moon, or I quit.

Leslie · Andy:Fine. You be South Africa, and you can also secretly run the moon. / The Moon accepts your ridiculous proposal.

Andy:Honey! I just traded Finland's military to Kenya for 50 lions. That's pretty good, right?

April · Andy:But also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries. / But so are lions. And you don't have to pay them.

Andy:I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now. I have no idea what's going on. But if that ends up meaning something in this game, I'd say I'm set.

Andy:Yeah! We got the freaking moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?

Andy · Ben · Andy:If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe. / That's... That's not true. / Well... You have to rearrange them.

Leslie · Andy:How do you know about Camp David? / How do you know about camp David?

Leslie · Andy:Andy, I need evidence. - Got it! Wait! You don't know what evidence. Ah, right on. Yes. Hit me.

Leslie · Andy · Tom:Where are you looking? Look here, focus here. Get the files in the drawer, and then get all the file boxes in the office. Put the files in the drawer. Let's go. - No. - Okay, I'll go with him.

Andy:Okay, mine doesn't have any pictures.

Andy:Oh, my God. Black people still can't legally use city sidewalks.

April · Andy:Any woman caught laughing is a witch. That's true.

Andy:Mouse Rat, certified gold! Over 100 copies sold in Pawnee!

Leslie · Andy:I can hear you breathing, and, yes, you can finish her pasta. Thank God. I'm so hungry. Mmm, it tastes like froot loops.

Andy · Ron:See? His arms are crossed because he's mad at all the other marshmallow workers for annoying him. You like it? It's fine.

Andy:I KINDA WAS.

Andy:[southern accent] WELL, I RECKON IT'S JUST LIKE GRAMMY MARTHA TOLD ME AND MY COUSINS, 'YOU CAN'T EAT THE BISCUITS IF YOU DON'T PAY FOR THE FLOUR.'

Andy:WHAT, CHAMPION? YOU NEED TO GO OUTSIDE NOW? COME ON. THAT A BOY. SORRY, HE'S-- HATES AWKWARD SITUATIONS.

Andy:DON'T CARE.

Andy:[laughs] YES. THAT'S MY WIFE.

Andy · Ben:Have you tried... That's a four-letter word. Add an 'S'?

Andy · Ben:Did you try... Yes. Why is that everyone's first suggestion?

Andy:April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch and outside and smiling. She's weird.

Andy · Ben:Weird stick. Might be a clue? No.

Andy:Yeah. It's called music. And there's only one way to get a vaccine. And that is to play it. To play the... You get an injection.

Andy:It's kind of like We Are the World, except I actually think it could have a real impact on society.

Andy:She originally put me in charge of hot dogs at this fundraising barbecue, and I dropped them all. All of them. Like, 1,000.

Ron · Andy:DoubleTime, you said? Little brick building over on Liondale Road? Yeah. You know the one? No.

Jerry · Andy:So, we have to play it perfectly every time? No, Burly. Play it unperfectly. You mean, imperfectly? I mean perfectly.

Andy:Was that a joke? Were you joking just now? Because if so, that was hilarious-ly awful-ly funny how bad that was.

Andy:Mine's really just a cup of honey because tea is gross.

Andy:(WHOOPS) To the man!

Andy:Who wouldn't? That sounds like an amazing day, right?

Chris · Andy:Toxic. Merkel. - Merkel. - What is 'Merkel'? She's the Chancellor of Germany.

Andy:Sometimes you just have to let a dog be a dog. He'll be all right. Champion! He'll come back.

Andy:Champion, you're lost and soon you'll be found / I rescued you from the pound, something something oh man on the ground / get on out of here

Andy · Chris · Andy:You probably should just sit there and not move. She's really tired. Just a few hours. Few hours?

April · Andy:Yes, but I hate them. I know you do, sweetheart.

Jerry · Ann · Andy:Why don't we just turn up the pressure? That way you don't have to put your mouth so close. All right, here we go. Ah, stop! Honey, I'm sorry. That'll teach you to pay attention.

Andy:Oh, my-- dude, what the hell?

Andy:Kamikaze! Oh. [Laughs]

Andy:Because she's April, and she doesn't want you to think that she actually cares about something.

Andy:They're all girls. Women's studies.

Andy:Usually tests scare me, but this is an oral exam. And if there's one thing I know is--

Andy:My fantastic-- it's talk. God, I don't know.

Andy:We've gone 30 hours without breaking up. Our personal best is 47 hours.

Andy:It happened when she was out of town for two days and she forgot we were dating

Andy:Andy's long pause before repeating the exact same fact

Andy:Just one man's opinion

Andy:I was hoping for a P-plus, but that does not exist

Andy:Basically, best grade in the class-- tied for the best grade in the class

Andy:We'll let you pay for your own food, because of equality

Andy:And I'm gonna lock down that P-plus

Andy:You and the women taught me that nothing is impossible

Andy:Oh, my God, Ron... It was you who told me that. That's crazy.

Andy:We have now gone 48 hours without breaking up, shattering our previous record

Andy:48 of 'em. Different flavor for each hour.

Andy:Pigs are awesome.

Andy:That building looks like a boob.

Leslie · Andy:Yeah, well, it's not. Oh, yeah, I know. It's the White House. No. It's the Capitol.

Leslie · Andy:Now, throw it away, because Leslie Knope is your guidebook. I didn't... I didn't mean literally. I had some notes in it.

Andy:There's a mall? That's awesome. I need to get some flip-flops.

Andy · Leslie:How do I know this isn't a treasure map just waiting to be unfurled? Because it's gum. That's gum.

Andy:Leslie, this is a really cool penis but Ben and April are meeting us at the Smithsonian in 10 minutes.

Andy · Security Guard:Sir, you protect our nation's history and you're a hero. Yeah. A hero with something to hide. Like probably a treasure map.

Andy:Could we just real quick stop at the nearest place that has free pants?

Andy · April:I love politics. Look. I made a shrimp claw. I'm really proud of you, babe. Now, put your used plate in my purse. I almost have a complete set.

Andy · Leslie:Everything is going to be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he, too, is an amalgam. No. Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass Leslie. Nope. ...an amalgam. Nailed it.

Leslie · Andy:Oh, my God. The smell is so much worse when you get up close. Yeah. Oh! Look. A handgun! I call it!

Andy:The White House, America's most whitest house. Most notably is where Sinbad lived in the film, First Kid.

Andy · Tourist:Do you know why it's called the Oval Office? No. Because of a man. Oval Redenbacher. What? The popcorn inventor. He used to hang out with John F. Kennedy.

Leslie · Andy:This tour guide is the most amazing tour guide there ever was. Please. Step up. $200 cash up front.

Andy:"I've been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days now."

Andy:Andy demonstrates his one push-up ability

Andy:That's a typo, right? I mean, that's humanly impossible.

Andy:No! I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.

Andy:There's something wrong with my body. My legs aren't working. I'm broken.

Andy:It's too bad there's not doctors for your mind.

Ron · Andy:Andrew, get your lunch, some water, and a 40-pound bag of asphalt. / Hey!

Andy:we do humbly request thine permission to befix doth holes yonder.

Andy · Ron:Seaweed choke! / That large boy is my colleague.

Andy:♪ Ron and Diane sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i.

Andy:Or does it require two princesses?

Tom · Andy:Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Looks and Professor Books. He's Looks. I got it.

Andy:Can you say 'per capita' again? I want to take a picture of you saying 'per capita.'

Andy:A game is the foot.

Jerry · Andy:It's not. My real name is Gary. Well, Gary--if that even is your real name--

Andy:I can never tell when people are lying to me. Hopefully that doesn't come up in my police work.

Andy:Don't play stupid and handsome with me. You're as guilty as you are sexy.

Andy:Like a real crime? That's even better.

Andy:Boom, take 'em all out.

Andy:When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.

Andy · Chris:And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces. Incorrect.

Andy:I know this text you sent me was a lie and Michael Stipe is not actually here, correct?

Andy:I just couldn't live with myself if it had been true.

Andy:It's not fair. I feel like everyone should be the same size.

Ben · April · Andy:Babe, you look super hot. You realize you've said that about all of them? Well, she has, every single time. 'Cause she is super hot. Honestly, you'd look hot naked.

April · Andy:So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex pants. Fleetwood Mac Sex Pants. New band name. I call it. Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.

Andy:Fleetwood Mac Sex Pants. New band name. I call it. Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.

April · Andy:Friendship bands that I've made for each and every one of you. So now, I guess we're Park Pals. You should see the booger under this chair.

April · Andy:This bag is full of Fruit Roll-Ups and baseball cards. I don't have my Leslie pantsuit or my Leslie headband or my Leslie notes. I can't do this meeting without my Leslie stuff.

Andy:She was awesome. So smart, so hot, so mean. I wanted to bone her right there in that dirty church basement.

Andy:people always say, "But he's got a great personality."

Andy:I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries.

Andy:I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire.

Andy:Baby, you are so creepy. Thank you. I love it.

Andy · Examiner:I don't know how to answer that. / A simple "yes" or "no." / Well, everyone calls me Andy, but my full name is Andrew, I think, so... No? / Wait. Yes.

Andy:Yes, I give it to him. When I was a kid, I always wanted to hold a cop's gun. To make that dream come true for another kid-- Well, that's what being a cop is all about.

Andy:Well, first, I would be like, "Dad... You're alive? What the hell? Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?"

Andy:Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me. Or here, no, try-- it's this hand. Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me. Try to hit me. If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, is the thing.

Andy · April:That guy's my wife. - Um, you also work there.

Store clerk · April · Andy:And they were nipple rings, at one point. How do you know that? They were his.

Andy:I guess I better commit as many crimes as possible tonight. Get it out of my system.

April · Andy:I forge government documents all the time. - That's true.

Ben · Andy:- Turtledove. - There's your butt.

Andy · Chief:He chopped off both of his arms, so he wouldn't leave any fingerprints. Oh, he did? Well, how did he murder the person?

Andy:Close only counts in horse grenades. It's a saying. Because if you're playing horseshoes, and then you throw a grenade at a horse, it doesn't have to be that close, and you can still blow the horse's legs off. It's from the movie Seabiscuit.

Andy:♪ You trade your legs for angel's wings ♪

Leslie · Andy:Andy, as you requested, got you a three-pack of white T-shirts from Target. - Thank you. All mine are dirty.

Andy:Oh, I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired. Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me.

Andy:And the streets, as you know, are dangerous. Example--I fell in a sewer grate once. I was there all day. In conclusion, we cannot let our children live in the sewer any longer.

Andy · Ben:Well, let me tell you something else that's interesting, Ben. What? I farted five minutes ago. Didn't even smell it till just now. That's how tight my pants are.

Andy:Well, I pooched the brain exam. Just to be safe, I wouldn't take anything I say too seriously.

Andy:Sometimes when I blow my nose, I get a boner. I don't know why. It just happens. Truth bomb.

Tom · Andy:Uh, 'Spasm.' No, 'Butter Face'! Very good! Yes!

Andy:I already took what I call a 'dwyer shower.' I rubbed my armpits with air fresheners.

Andy:I think that guy wants to hunt me.

Andy · Dennis:You're a dick. Excuse me? How dare you talk to me like that? Where are your manners?

Andy · Ted:You were so funny when you were like, 'My cell phone, I left it in my pocket.' Then you checked it, remember, and it didn't work.

Tom · Andy:I had much better things to do. / Leslie said she'd pay me 100 bucks. / And I had nothing better to do. I'm doing it for free.

Andy:All my favorite foods have butter on 'em. Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes.

Andy:Butter is my favorite food.

Garth · Andy · Tom:Huzzah, I'm Ted! / I'm Ted! / I'm Ted, too, guys.

Leslie · Andy:He's naked, everybody! Put that away! / We're all Ted! Yeah! / No, Andy!

Andy:Sudoku is easy. Is there even rules to this game?

Andy:Hey, I'm like a giant squid. Hey, honey, I'm ink Dracula. Squid Dracula is going to get you.

Ron · Andy:Ronfire of the vanities. Filo Pilo.

Andy · Garth:Filo Pilo ruined the cake. Classic Pilo. What how is that my fault? Stupid Jerry. Should have never saved his life.

Andy · Ben:I am? You drove here. Nah, it's too late, bro. I already ordered the water. I don't know what you want me to do.

Andy:I didn't recognize us without me because I'm the only one that matters.

Andy:I was just over at the bar, enjoying a wonderful night with my co-workers who all talked about how awesome I was, and I look up, and what do I see?

Andy:Well, I dropped my cell phone in a bowl of cereal last week, you idiot.

Andy · Burly · Chang:Maybe you should change your name to Burly and The Backstabbers. That's a pretty good name, actually. Yeah, he's really good at coming up with names.

Andy:Get me a Budweiser Black Crown. You guys got Black Crown here? If not, you should.

April · Andy:What do you need a computer fan for? Sometimes when you use a computer, it gets hot, and the fan cools it down.

Andy:My name is Andy Dwyer. You probably know me as the artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat. Well, after tonight, you'll only know me as the former artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat.

Andy:♪ He made incredible nachos / That everybody claimed they loved / And then the band mates dicked him over / With a massive rock and roll shove ♪

Andy:This is just how I dress now. Funny goofball music Andy... Is gone. You're left with the professional remains.

Andy:Give me more time to play video games.

Andy · April:Name one other band that's done that. The Beatles.

Andy:Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. That's why I was digging through the trash. Found that too. Pretty cool.

Andy:They said I was retired. They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. Turns out they were right... and wrong. Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Ann · Andy:Oh, boy. What do you want, Macklin? / Me? Just observing. A little something they taught us down at Quantico.

Andy · Ann:Congratulations. / Is that a question? / It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret. You're pregnant.

Andy · Ann:Whoa, I don't think so. Bert Macklin works alone. I will buy lunch. You can have as many burgers as you want. Welcome to the FBI.

Andy · Ann:Whoa, I don't think so. Bert Macklin works alone. / I will buy lunch. You can have as many burgers as you want. / Welcome to the FBI.

Andy · Donna:How many people am I talking to, Donna? One or 1 1/9? / Are you asking me if I'm pregnant?

Andy:Whew. This case just got interesting. Well, not just. It was pretty interesting to begin with. This case just remained interesting.

Andy · Tom:It's called 'Womb There It Is.' / That's her brand.

Andy:Besides, the math doesn't add up because we only have sex every single day.

Andy:My wife is pregnant!

Andy · April:My wife is pregnant! Okay, put me down.

Andy:I would get one in Pawnee, but fun fact-- our only baby store is attached to a chemical refinery.

Andy:I made a special road trip mix CD for us. I hope you like Tori Amos.

Andy:These are the first bibs I've ever seen without Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s face on them.

Andy:Someone's back from London / No, it's not the Queen / Someone's back from London / It's not Mr. Bean / It's not the royal baby / I think his name is Jeff

Andy · April:Babe, if it was the 1690s, we'd all be mummies. / What do you think mummies are? / Skeletons?

Andy:You know how you Americans say 'cool' when something's cool? Over in London, we say, 'That's brilliant.'

Andy:I'm like Chuck Norris. Only instead of crushing bad guys' skulls, I'm crushing documents.

Andy · April:I'll karate punch your face with my tongue. / Prove it. / Hi-ya.

Andy:Every time you look up at the moon, I too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That's impossible.

Andy:I was just here in this dumpster, because I jumped in.

Andy:Every day, someone comes up to me and says, 'I need your approval on this, Mr. Dwyer. I need your signature, Mr. Dwyer. That's not a toilet, Mr. Dwyer.'

Andy:I am. But I'm like Chuck Norris now. Some old guy with a beard who used to be good at karate, but became a dumb has-been, and is scared and confused about his big London job.

Andy · April:Did you... / Yes, I used cookies instead of bread.

Andy · April:$75,000? $300,000? They'll do it.

Andy:150 bucks? Split that four ways, boom. $600.

Andy:Dave Grohl might be there. I don't know. He might be anywhere. The guy's awesome, and he's unpredictable.

Rivers · Andy:I'm sick of all the drama with this band. I-I quit. I'm going back to rabbinical school. Umbilical school?

Andy:♪ Pick your nose ♪ 'Cause boogers are gross ♪ Clean out your snout

Andy:♪ Everybody pees the bed ♪ Just something that we do ♪ I for instance peed the bed ♪ Until I was 32

Tom · Andy:I say we start with the three 'C's,' cashmere, concert tickets, caboodles of cash. I feel like those are perfect gifts for you. Those are perfect gifts for anyone. Ugh, I wish you guys were Donna!

Andy · Ann:We used to date. Yeah, we lived together for two years. I know, it's crazy, right? Anyways, you're the best. Have fun in Mexico.

Andy:Ask not what your country can do for you. From Family Guy, right?

Chris · Andy:'Ask not what your country can do for you.' From Family Guy, right?

Andy · April · Others:Shotgun! I called shotgun! You're all nailed. I call sitting on your lap. You can't--I--double shotgun! We call double shotgun!

Andy:It's Andy! Hey. I'm on the radio!

Leslie · Andy:Andy, this is a picture of us. This is a picture of an elderly couple.

Andy:Last time we scared an old person, Larry had a heart attack. That was awesome. He farted so much.

Andy:I got football cards, and a travel mouthwash.

Andy:Ahh! Ow. The kool-aid guy makes it look so easy.

Andy:I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.

Andy:When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is.

Andy:I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.

Andy:Shotgun on all rides for the rest of the day. For the rest of my life. In any car! Ha ha! I just faced you suckers!

Andy:You know, like, when you go to the ATM and you get money, is there an actual guy standing behind the wall who slides dollar bills in there?

Andy:It's robots.

Andy:In the movie Predator, can you rub any kind of mud on yourself to prevent predator from seeing you with his thermal heat signature sight, or is it more--

Andy:Oh, whoa. Five-second rule. No, ahh.

Andy:Do you know what my social security number is? Or if I'm allergic to anything? I don't like corn. Should I put that down? Or will that be confusing? Because I do like candy corn.

Andy · Ron:Ron, look. I found all three differences. Those are two completely different pictures.

Andy:Well, my grandmother was missing that tooth, and she was the most beautiful woman on her oil rig.

Andy:Like a cool uncle, but old. Like a grandpa. But cool like a son.

Andy:Fine. Let me just wolf down this peanut brittle real quick. Why would you do that? Oh, right. 'Cause calories.

Andy:When it's all said and done, there were a few mazes I'd cheated on. Also, the inside of my mouth is black and hot.

Andy:So do I strip down to my underwear, or all the way naked?

Andy:So do I strip down to my underwear, or all the way naked?

Andy:♪ Sarah Wei--April Ludgate ♪

Andy · April:What does 'laked' mean? I tried to jump it over a lake.

Andy:If you don't show up in a limo, legally, they can't let you in.

Andy:Like flowers on the sunset of an eagle's poetry.

Andy:It's like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. Third time, it was okay. But then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I watched it, I realized something. It's just--it's not good. It's not a good movie.

Andy:High school forever!

Andy:Andy confusing vitamins: "Is that the Fred one or the Barney one?"

Andy · Leslie:Andy's first aid confusion: "I know first aid. Or karate" / "That's not first aid" / "It is if you do it right"

Andy:Andy's candy math: holding one large candy and saying "This counts as one"

Leslie · Andy:Leslie's revenge: "when you shook my hand earlier, there was pee on my palms" followed by Andy: "You get pee-palm, too? Every time!"

Andy · Leslie:Andy's pregnancy confusion: "I thought you were getting a dog" and dog petting gesture explanation

Andy:"She's gettin' a dog!" Andy announcing Leslie's pregnancy wrong to waitress

Andy:Andy's SAT strategy: "Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken Scantron machine"

Andy · Scott · Joey:The elaborate Karate Chop Master song performance and Scott joining in

Andy:Andy's continued dog confusion: "You're gonna need a cage, a water bowl... You have a good vet? Tick medicine"

Andy:No, but my brain is about to explode from stress.

Andy:That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.

Andy:He's in Witness Protection.

Andy:Oh, I forgot, other hand. Crap.

Andy:You're acting weird. Excuse me. I have to get back to work now.

Andy:I got so many kids from different women, I just get all of their birthdays out of the way one day a year.

Andy:It's about Larry. He is very sick. He has some kind of disease.

Andy:Yes, that's the reason. Good call, babe.

Andy:They're moving again to China...town in France.

Andy:Yes, I did it! I kept a secret.

Andy:Can't believe Michael Bay spent a billion dollars of his own money to build that for The Rock.

Andy:So, you can just get your hair cut in the lobby at Gryzzl, huh?

Andy:Check it out, guys, all done. Only made, like, 12 mistakes.

Andy:we could tell them that there's buried treasure in Pawnee, and then, after they give us the free WiFi, we tell them that the treasure was love all along.

Andy · Ben:Yeah, man! We did it! This whole company is ours! / Oh, no, it's not. That's mine. That's mine. It's all mine.

Andy · April:Let's get divorced! That way we can get married again! Yes! Let's do it.

Andy:Also, can you bring back Power Rangers? I don't know what it is you do, but you seem important enough to get that done.

Andy:Can't believe Michael Bay spent a billion dollars of his own money to build that for The Rock.

Andy:I couldn't tell, 'cause you had that mask thing over your eyes.

Andy · Ben:They give tours. Yeah. That's exactly how they'll be expecting me to try to break in.

Andy:No idea.

Andy:I thought he was gonna be on it.

Andy:Ooh, we could tell them that there's buried treasure in Pawnee, and then, after they give us the free WiFi, we tell them that the treasure was love all along.

Andy:Are they throwing dirt into a fan?

Andy:The key is, you have to throw the dirt into the back of the fan.

Andy:Yeah, man! We did it! This whole company is ours!

Andy · Ron:Come on, Ron. It's gonna be so fun. Thank you, Andrew. But fun or not, playing music is something I like to keep private, along with my family, my conversations, and my whereabouts at all times.

Andy:Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to accept the following missions.

Andy:Their first project will be to come up with a shorter name for the group.

Andy:I always figured we'd, you know, whatever, break up because I got drafted by the Colts. And then in the first game, of course, I break my leg. The crowd starts chanting my name, and I give them the thumbs up. And then I go to the hospital, I get really good at chess, I end up beating the computer finally. And then the band just sort of drifts apart.

April · Andy:One kid peed his pants because he didn't want to miss anything. What? I gave a kid pee-pants? Yes! That's why I do what I do.

April · Andy:Let's get divorced. That way we can get married again! Yes! Let's do it. You want to? Yes! We should do that, right? Yeah, totally. We're getting divorced! Yes!

Andy · Ben:Ben, how many bags of marshmallows do I give them? None. Just let April do everything.

Andy:Babe, I just dropped off Leslie's triplets with her mom. All three of 'em. Nailed it.

Andy:Welcome back to the Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show.

April · Andy:Andy, no. / Ninjas attack! / Andy. / No. That's my crotch. / Okay, guys. Three more kicks apiece.

April · Andy:You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership. / I won.

Andy · April:I'm gonna take a Zantac. All that salt will give me heartburn. / Oh, God. You ruined it.

April · Andy:Even Leslie is crazier than we are. They're still gonna serve that cake, right?

Andy · April:Where are we? I have never once been to this part of Pawnee. It's the creepy warehouse district. It's mostly just raccoons and old car batteries.

Realtor · April · Andy:Remember the Pawnee Doll Head Factory? This was a doll head factory? No. This was a holding cell for people who went insane on the assembly line.

Andy:Why are you only friends with your family?

Andy:Chicago! The big apple.

Andy · Tom · Andy:Head coach of the Chicago Bulls. No, he's working at a non-profit. No. What? Am I?

Andy:Five-second rule!

Andy · April:You could be an airline pilot. I don't like heights. What about a submarine pilot? I don't like depths. I don't like anything, okay?

Andy · April:You say a word, I say a word, we see if it makes a profession. Executive. Trampoline. Computer. Trampoline.

April · Andy:That book sounded so boring, I cried a little. Oh, babe, I'm sorry you had to hear that. You're safe now.

Andy:Babe, we should sell our dumb house and buy this one.

Andy:What? How old?

Andy · Leslie:I found an artifact! Historical artifact! William Henry Harrison's wig. Andy. Put that down.

Andy:The If He'd Worn A Coat room explores how great America would have been if Harrison had worn a coat at his inauguration and not died.

Andy:This room is called Other Things That Were Famous For One Month.

Andy:Oh, and side note, admission to this museum costs $14.

Andy:And side note, admission to this museum costs $14

April · Andy:Why? Was there something inside the stupid ball? Ooh! Like a giant hamster?

Andy:Playing with our dog, staring contests, sex with me, etc. And then, I lost the list. So, I had to make a new list. I didn't have any paper, so I wrote it on my leg.

Andy:They're one-on-one. You like dealing with people or dogs one-on-one.

Andy · Tom:Yeah, but all I really do is goof around all day. / Write, produce, and direct a TV show. Plus, I act in it, and I do sets, props, wardrobe. At the end, I drive everybody home.

Andy:so I mean, a hundred bucks a week-- that's pretty fair.

Tom · Andy:in the words of Jerry Maguire-- / 'The human head weighs 8 pounds.' / No. 'Show me the money.'

Andy · Station Manager:You discovered Selena Gomez? / Different Selena Gomez.

Andy:Get this--they're gonna pay me the minimum wage.

Tom · Andy:If there's something that you want badly, you just have to believe that it's gonna work out. / That's actually really good advice for anything.

Andy:All we need is a blimp and a decoy blimp.

Andy:Oh, hell, yeah. Blimp time.

Andy:I think this is a job for Jonathan Karate.

Andy:Exactly.

Andy:holding in farts

Andy:The floor hole.

Andy:Here's a far-out idea that just came to the top of my brainium.

Andy:And like that, they were gone.

Andy:Why do we even have a buddy system?