Jerry Gergich

See all the spikes? So, two things. One, it's poisonous. And two, it would hurt.

Leslie eating the honeysuckle despite Jerry saying not to eat it

Why did you let me eat that? / I never told you to eat that.

Leslie, the animals know you don't eat the country honeysuckle. / I'm not an animal.

Can you help me out a second? Go away, Jerry.

Jerry, are you happy? What did I do?

Jerry, did you use permanent marker again? I'm sorry, guys... Forget it. Let's all pretend Jerry wasn't born.

And almonds give me the squirts.

No, I have a bunion that's practically its own toe. Normally, the pain howls through my loafers like a banshee on the moors, but... for these past three minutes, it's been reduced to a faint growl.

Who's the Jesus? / That would be Greg Kinnear. / I didn't know he was from Indiana. / Yeah, you know, I read that he was.

He was great on ER... / Greg Kinnear wasn't in ER. / Yeah, he was. / I don't think that he was. / Who am I thinking of?

You said 'murinal'. / No, I didn't. / You said 'murinal'. I heard it. / Why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?

It's pointillism. And each dot is a photo of a citizen of the town. / No one cares. At all.

It looks like he's carrying Kinnear into the burning building. / That's because he's moonwalking. So he... Should be goin' the other way.

Holy cow. It is good to be back! Sneak attack! Damn it! I'm the pants king! Bow to me.

Ron, your toast sucked. The traditional toast is 'to the hunt.' And it is said by me.

See, at my house I've got a wife and three beautiful daughters. But this trip, it is the one time of year I get to pee standing up.

Maybe Ron shot himself. He has seemed really depressed lately. He was shot in the back of the head. Right, he loves the back of his head. He would never shoot himself there.

Pants king. Pants queen.

Strip club? Did somebody say strip club? No. Somebody say strip club? You did. I definitely heard someone say strip club. You did.

I'm not a big fan of group dinners where everybody splits the bill no matter what they get. I ordered a tyranno-ceasar salad, and that's all I'm paying for.

I really wish I could have your body. What? Like, tied up, naked, in your basement?

There is a girl here that also works at Quiznos. She's really nice to me here but really mean to me at Quiznos.

What are you guys talking about? Nothing. Don't worry about it. What?

Terrific's not more than amazing, Jerry. No? Well, it's not less.

Krackel bars, also healthy and delicious. No, they're not. Yeah. They actually have rice in them. So...

You wanna watch me rollerblade in the parking lot after work? I'm pretty awesome. I used to be really good. That was, like, 70 pounds ago.

Just kidding! I don't fall!

I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife gayle many times. Whatever.

Jerry! You got soup all over our mail! You jerk.

It's ketchup! / Is it? / Jerry. Jerry. Yes. It's ketchup.

This is my third time in a row. Just a bad luck streak, buddy. Next time, I'm sure it will definitely be one of us. But it won't be me. Because I always write...

No, I always write my own name. But just to be safe, I do add 20 extra 'Jerry's.

Ew! Is that code for some kind of weird sex act? Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him. Ew!

No, I just curled up and laid still until they left. Well, that's another way to play it.

If even one of them had a unique scar, we got them. I didn't get a good look. Damn it, Jerry. Sorry. You're the victim. Sorry. Sorry.

Ha-ha, guys. Really funny. Where's the real banner? We only had an hour. So did I. Look what I did.

Really. My gosh, you should not have gone to all this trouble. Oh. It's no trouble for our buddy.

Jerry? I don't... I don't think your computer is plugged in. I'm sorry, guys. Just got to power up.

You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana? Yeah. My wife and I have a time-share. In Muncie? Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

I said 'twout' instead of 'trout.' It happens to everyone. My marbles are full of mouth today.

He can't talk right now because he has hysterical muteness from trauma. Correct.

And Lord Sheldon... He lunged at a bird, I dropped the burrito, and it landed on a log in the creek. So, I go to reach for it, I lose my balance, and I fall on my shoulder really weird.

Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension. And the wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake. And I am going to get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am going to sit back and enjoy my life.

Come on, I didn't know that. He seemed okay. We had dinner together.

My phone has 25 lines. I think it might be a switchboard.

I will now drink eight glasses of milk in three minutes. No. No, you won't. No, you won't. Because if you do that, you will die.

Jerry's panicked 'Death!' response to seeing the state auditors

My doctor just said I should avoid... / Being a wuss? Yes, I agree.

Jerry. / Oh, my gosh. Look who's here. Leslie. / The nightmare's over, Jerry. We're going back to work. / You're not going to need this anymore. (SPLASH)

It was an all-boys school.

Tammy Swanson Swanson.

We are both on the same diabetes medication. Are you my Glucotrol buddy? Are you? Huh?

Muah-muah-murder. Murdering the most melons. Shaquille showered shame on Shakira's sheets.

Uh, somebody left the gate open and he got out, Jerry! / What are you talking about? / Unbelievable. Another in a long string of miserable failures. You lost Li'l Sebastian! / I wasn't even here! / Exactly.

Aw, Jerry just farted! I'm very upset, I get nervous.

No, Tom, don't! Her boob kills!

Oh, I know this one. They are all rap-pists. - Oh, my God, they're Rappers, Jerry!

You know, I was 24 when Gayle took my virginity.

You know what I should do? I should lead a teen abstinence workshop. That might be incredibly effective.

Chocolate or butterscotch? - Uh, swirl me.

Yeah, she died, like, 20 minutes after that.

So for my painting, I chose one of my very favorite Greek myths-- the centaur goddess Dyaphena slaying a great stag. - It's, uh, stunning. - It's breathtaking, Jerry. - Yeah. Really is. - Wow. Thanks, guys.

Oh. Oh, my God. That's me. Is that me? What? No. Oh, jeez, it does look like you.

Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs? - Yeah, where's your penis? - Damn it, Jerry!

I'm so alone.

Back of my Benz? Let's check in with your boo! He said, 'Her Mercedes'! Jerry and Donna on fire.

Swivel! What is it, Jerry? You told me to say your name. And you did a great job, superstar.

Who was that? I don't know. I saw her crying, and so I helped.

So, Webster's dictionary describes a pork as a... No, it's park... Park. I'm sorry. Geez, okay.

That's weird. Must be a typo. Yeah, Jerry, it's probably a typo, because it probably should've said, 'You have a cube butt.' 'Cause your butt's shaped like a cube.

Which one floats your penis? They're all black. Maybe to the layman, Jerry. Obsidian, onyx, midnight, lost soul, rolling blackout, sleeping panther, and void by Armani.

No, they were out. So I just got a big thing of lighter fluid. It's kind of the same thing. Huh? Oh! We planned that! Wow, wow!

Ron, are you mad at me? 'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell.

If I could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out, I would. Wow, that is so sweet. Thank you.

Leslie? Here's the thing. I've been all over the state. Indianapolis, Bloomington, Lafayette, Muncie, Gary, all the places you mention in the book. And I've interviewed all the people you mentioned. And so far, there is not one incorrect fact.

You can text without looking at your phone? I think it's rude not to maintain eye contact with the people that I'm talking to.

You, bean bag, come with me. I'm an eggplant. I don't care. Come with me.

And we may be having intercourse. Please, you've got to stop saying things like that to me.

Hey, you know what? Can I go? Gayle is making a roast.

Jerry, you're number three. There's only two of us.

Heck, I still use my original ID card from my first day on the job.

Is this about the laptop? I didn't mean to steal it. I took it home, and I spaced. I forgot. I'm gonna bring it back. It totally works, but I got spaghetti in the keyboard.

Aw, jeez. Socks. She gets me.

Because windows are the eyes to the house.

LET'S GET THIS PHONE PARTY STARTED.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY YOU WOULD NEED MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, BUT--WELL, YEAH, NO. YOU'RE RIGHT. I GUESS IT COULDN'T HURT TO GIVE IT TO YOU. IT'S 210--

MILLI'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH CHRIS.

Jerry, well done. I put an ad on Craigslist. 'Man seeking man for a night of casual fun.' Enrico, he responded right away.

You hired a male escort. A what? Please get your gigolo out of here.

So, we have to play it perfectly every time? No, Burly. Play it unperfectly. You mean, imperfectly? I mean perfectly.

My birthday is February 29th, so I only get one real birthday, you know, once every four years.

We go, we split a huge piece of cotton candy cheesecake from Cakey J's Cheesecake Facility.

And then, well, we hold hands for a while. We listen to some Anita Baker. She meets up with some friends, and I turn in early.

Well, because I thought you were Gayle. What are you doing in my bathroom?

Oh, did we lose more seniors in the woods? No, it's a sinkhole, right?

We didn't get to the drug store for my liver medication. Well, you should've thought about that before we dragged you out of the bath, Jerry.

Oh, what the [Bleep]? Surprise. Where the hell is everybody?

Why don't we just turn up the pressure? That way you don't have to put your mouth so close. All right, here we go. Ah, stop! Honey, I'm sorry. That'll teach you to pay attention.

It ain't government work if you don't have to do it twice

These are blank. Weird.

Andy recreating the pie trajectory by smashing pie into Jerry's face repeatedly

The video shows that the pie came from a high angle, so it would've hit your face... like this. Don't close your eyes.

Or... Leslie wasn't the target. Well, who then? Okay, that's permanent marker. Go find Ben, get a list of everyone he's ever fired. Go, go! Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Ron? I handed out 1,000 leaflets today. That is a personal best. Now, I'm off to vote. The polls are closed.

Well, Ron, can we at least have corn on the cob? No.

It feels like I just exercised. Just sit on the ground. No, Jerry. It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens.

I smuggled in some candy. Oh, thank God. I'm starving. Raisins? It's nature's candy.

Ron, if no one takes me to the bathroom, I'm just going to have to go in the trees.

Community college. Eh, that's too far.

Jerry, God. Gross. / Oh... Jerry? / Guys, I-- / Oh, God, I think he might be having a heart attack.

Oh, geez! Did a dinosaur just fart? / Jerry, get a grip. / Sorry, guys. / Ugh! Apology not accepted. / Stop talking, moron. / I wish I could stop smelling. / Dude. / Seriously, Jerry, did you eat farts for lunch?

I'm sorry, Jerry, but your future has been canceled. / Leslie, thank you. That is amazing. / No, it stinks. It's not even close to what you need. With all your bills, and the inevitable follow-up problems, and the lifetime of chronic misery that awaits you. I mean, you had this whole plan for your retirement and your beach house and now you're future is just a huge pile of crap.

Well, sure, in a wrestling match, Kirk would win. But, overall, who would you rather have at the helm of your Sovereign-class starship? Jean-Luc Picard. No contest.

It's not. My real name is Gary. Well, Gary--if that even is your real name--

Help.

Help. I can't move.

Jerry! How's the old ticker? Oh. Well, uh, the rehab is grueling-- Great! Glad to hear it.

One small pizza for all of us. With no toppings. Cheese is a topping, Jerry.

$516... Aw, jeez! And that's 517

My, my. Somebody's being a gloomy goose. Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose

♪ Here we go a-caroling, among the leaves so green... ♪

Congratulations on your wedding. I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry. Hope you have the best birthday, Tom. I just tied my high score in Snake

I thought you weren't coming. I--you know, never got your RSVP... we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, since you almost farted yourself to death

Gingrich, Gergich. I wonder if we're related.

Oh, my God. Gayle. My girls!

Should someone stop Jerry? Gayle! Eh, he'll figure it out eventually.

Did you just pee your pants? Just a dab

We got Jerry some earbuds, and a bag of peanuts, and the Skymall catalog. - Same thing you got me from your trip to Washington!

There's a 'Top Ten Ben's butt 2012 slide show.' You emailed it to Ben and Ann... And The Huffington Post?

You wrote him an email about riding your dragons to Pelennor Fields and signed it 'Dimple Broadbelt of Buckland.' Yes, that's Ben and my fantasy Lord Of The Rings pen pal letters.

Actually, when I went there, it was just a two-year college. Wow, so you're not even technically qualified to work at your current job. Aw, geez.

Ron's motivational experiment with Jerry: "You are smart and capable. And I believe you can accomplish anything."

Well, I didn't want to make a big fuss. Although, gosh, I'm pretty sure I mentioned it a few times.

Can you believe it? Only six months left until I retire. / What did Jerry say? / Jerry was here?

Well, this is my last weep. Oops. I mean, 'weep.' Week. [Laughs] Jeez.

Jerry, thank you for your service. Good-bye. Thanks, Ron. That speech means a lot.

First of all, I'm so sorry that those Serbian mobsters shoved you out of that helicopter.

She has a tasty surprise waiting for me, if you know what I mean. Gross, Jerry. She made a meatloaf.

Jerry Gergich Memorial Conference Room. R.I.P.? Oh, the guy at the plaque store thought you had died. It was a rush job, so we didn't have time to change it.

It doesn't matter. We can just pretend it means retire in peace.

Really? Your purse is shaped like a waffle. Please join us. The Gergiches don't take no for an answer.

♪ Eggs, bacon, and toast ♪ ♪ Why don't you start ♪ ♪ your day ♪ ♪ The Gergich way with eggs, ♪ ♪ bacon, and toast ♪

for me, the best part about working in the Parks Department was that I got to be home every night with my family at 5:00. And to me, that's what mattered most.

[Imitates revving motor] The hug machine--it's firing on all cylinders.

I miss you guys.

Give it to me. I want milk.

- Hey, everybody. - No! No, why? This can't be happening. Why, Leslie?

It's Jerry. No, it's Gary. Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch. His name is Larry Gengurch.

Come on, April, it's already hard enough for my family when you call me 'Gary.'

I said, 'Gayle, put that bikini away, because Pawnee needs me.'

Oh ho! Somebody forgot a banana in here--ooh!

This check is made out to 'Lenny,' which I think is a typo for 'Larry,' which isn't even actually my name.

Tom, that's so sweet. Thanks. Ow! Oh, my gosh! I didn't even do anything. The voodoo doll is reading my thoughts.

I somehow ran my belt through a slat in this chair so I'm kind of...I'm kind of stuck to it now.

It's 2.5 pounds of pressure is what you need to get the perfect stamp.

You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day. Oh, I got the greatest gift of all. Being married to you.

Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed.