Go Big Or Go Home

Giddyup! Giddyup! / I am the pants queen!

Cut it out, Tom. / It never gets old.

Tommy Timberlake

My mom is Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful.

Nailed it.

Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

Bully.

The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer, so it's been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I have goose bumps. Feel.

And that's why they call me Prince Charming. Because I always find the glass slipper for my Cinderella. / These are way too tight. / Well, the real Cinderella didn't have hippo feet.

Jeremy! Suck it!

By the way, I've been giving away free sports bras to the girls at Hot Dog on a Stick. Look, we can dance all day, but it's time to step up. Are you buying 4,000 rubber nipples from me or not?

Jerry. / Oh, my gosh. Look who's here. Leslie. / The nightmare's over, Jerry. We're going back to work. / You're not going to need this anymore. (SPLASH)

I called shotgun. Everybody heard me.

Well, I am usually not one for speeches. So, goodbye.

Make the world's biggest pizza. / No, make this town fun for the people who live here. / Fine, but after that, the pizza is our top priority. / No, it's not. / We're getting pizza?

April, hey, it's me, Andy Dwyer. This is like the 200th message I've left you, without a response. So, if you're trying to tell me something, I do not know what it is because you won't call me back.

So, that just means that we're in maintenance mode. / Yeah! Jerry!

And quite frankly, throw things at you and call you names. Like Turd-boy. Whatever.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators, and from gladiators into Swansons.

Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.

Capitalism. God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.

Crying. Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight. Crew cut. Buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?

We literally can't buy... (BLEEP)

I'm not a paper pusher, Ann. I need to be out in the streets, planting trees and cracking skulls.

No. Damn! Sorry, Leslie.

Save it. Okay? I know you don't have faith in me and my department, and that's fine. But don't expect me to sit here and chitchat with you. / All right. Fair enough. Go the other way. / But I'm just going to that... / All right, I'II...

Because I thought we had a great time the night you got drunk and kissed me. And you did use your tongue.

Great. Let me ask you one question. Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does? Minus the money? / Definitely yes, then.

I'd say my coaching style is centered around fundamentals, with an emphasis on fun. Hey, watch this. Go get it. Yeah! And a second emphasis on mental.

But every time I look one of these kids in the eyes and he calls me Coach... That's how I know I agreed to be a coach.

There's no coin toss in basketball. / Are those women's sneakers? / Yes, they are, Ron. You know what? They fit better, I got an employee discount, and the best part is no one can tell.

Match point. Touchdown. Et cetera.

Okay. I like what you're wearing, but I need it to be 300% sexier. Do you have any of those shirts that look wet all the time? Or, like, a metal bikini?

For dinner? / Well, what's sexy food? Asparagus? / No, you know what's sexy? Turkey chili.

Ann Perkins. You are wonderful and amazing and I'm happy to be here with you. / Thank you, Chris. I'm wearing a tuxedo vest with no shirt on underneath.

And... Oops, my vest popped open. Just like the budget needs to pop open and you need to pour it into my Parks Department.

I love dates. I love connecting with someone. I love engaging them. I love being surprised by them. I have never had a bad date. They've all been either great or phenomenally great.

Nurses are the most undervalued members of our society by far. I think all of you should make as much money as the CEO of Google.

I was born with a blood disorder. And my parents were told that I had three weeks to live. And here I still am, some 2,000-odd weeks later, and I have enjoyed every one of them.

Jurassic Park. Parks are so great. The Parks Department needs money. I just did it in three moves.

Well, then, why don't you just come here and do it yourself? / Okay. Holy crap!

They're both so beautiful. They probably just want to see each other naked.

Yes, I am. / No, you're not. / I'm great at being sneaky. / Clearly, you're not.

Yes, Ron Swanson is dating my ex-wife, Wendy. Big deal. My girlfriend, Lucy, is the sexiest woman in town. She's Cuban, she's got tattoos, and she's into me, which, as far as I'm concerned, is the sexiest quality a woman can have.

After dinner, we should take a walk by the pond in Ramsett Park. Walking in parks can be very romantic. / Yeah, too bad the park's always closed, though.

This place is outstanding! Great call, Leslie Knope.

That's a foul! What? On whom? / Your team. Number 50. He was double dribbling. / He's on defense. / Exactly. / That's a technical difficulty.

So, that means Andy's team throws the ball from the stripey thing.

I'm sort of a gay hero. Last year, I married two penguins at the zoo, and it turned out they were both gay.

Look. When I was 18 and I became mayor of my hometown, I used every last dollar we had to open a giant winter sports complex. Called it Ice Town. And it turned out great and everyone loved it. Yeah, kind of. It was never completed, and I got impeached.

The newspaper headline was, 'Ice Town Costs Ice Clown His Town Crown.' They were big into rhymes.

Foul on number three for taking a number two on number four.

What are you going to do about it? Nothing. You fouled. You can't do anything. / Okay. You're ejected. You're ejected. / What's the matter there, Ron? No players left? / Put my boys back in. / You made me the ref. Deal with it.

Ron's ejected for molesting the ref!

I dedicate this victory to April Ludgate. It feels good. And it feels sticky. From the Gatorade.

Mission accomplished? / Yeah. There's a mission that Ann had thought of. It was both of our ideas, but it was mostly Ann's.

I've just had my first bad date.

Really? Wow. Across the pond.

This is my boyfriend, Eduardo. / No, it's not.

How do you say, 'Have a great time, don't choke on anything'?

Budget solution number 28. Use grazing sheep to mow grass in parks. Note. Tired sheep could become food or sweaters.

From some city in Mexico.

You swing the hardest, damn it. You go big or you go home. And you don't seem like the kind of guy who goes home. / I'm not. I don't even really have a home.

Check your testicles? / No. Not that. Although that is very good advice. Looking at you, Jerry.

This town was historically known for two things. Widespread obesity, and the annual Pawnee Harvest Festival.

People from all over Indiana would come and gaze in wonderment at how fat our citizens were.

That, literally, is the most moving thing I've ever heard.

All due respect, Eduardo. You seem like a great guy. But I like April. And I'm coming after her with everything I've got.

Not Friday. I have to go visit my cousin. But I will be back after that to ask you again.

You should do it. Follow your dream. / Oh, my God. Really? That's awesome.