Prom

Ben:I have a surprise for you!

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Leslie:This is the most incredible thing that has ever happened in the history of surprises and cake and life itself!

Ben:It's just a cupcake.

Leslie:A CUPCAKE?! This changes everything!

Leslie:Oh my god, is this... is this a promposal?

Ben:It's a cake. Someone put a message in a cake.

Leslie:Ben, this is the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.

Ben:We're in our thirties. We've been married for five years.

Leslie:I'm going to teach A.P. Latin at the high school. I've already started preparing. Well, I've started preparing to prepare.

Leslie:I'm going to be honest with you, I don't actually know Latin yet. But I'm a quick learner, and I have a lot of enthusiasm, which is basically the same thing.

Leslie:So Harvey was electrocuted by a VCR and now he has superhero powers?

Ben:That's not how electricity works.

Leslie:Well, it happened to Spider-Man.

April:Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider.

Leslie:Same thing.

Leslie:Ben, will you go to prom with me?

Ben:Leslie, we're in our thirties.

Tom:Oh, did somebody need help with the music? Is the big strong Ben having trouble with the complicated DJ equipment? Does Ben need Tom to help him? Yes he does! Yes he does!

Ben:Tom, I'm literally standing right here.

Tom:Oh, is somebody upset? Is Benjamin having a sad? Do we need a juice box and a nap-nap time?

April:I hate both of you so much right now.

Ben:I used to DJ.

Leslie:Really? That's so cool! What was your DJ name?

Ben:DJ Lord Nightosphere.

Leslie:Oh my god.

Ben:I played weddings... from 2 to 4 AM.

Tom:Swing music is back, baby. And you know what that means? White people are gonna ruin it again. They already did it once in the '40s, now they're doing it again. Pretty soon every coffee shop in Brooklyn is gonna have a swing band, and they're all gonna be named things like 'The Ironic Nostalgia' or 'Suspenders.'

Leslie:Okay, that binder organization is incredible. What tabs are those?

Allison:Reinforced Acco brand, 1.5 inch, obtained from the office supply distributor in Des Moines.

Leslie:How do you know so much about office supplies?

Allison:I subscribe to three different office supply catalogs. I also have a contact at a paper distributor in Portland who alerts me to new stock arrivals.

Leslie:That's... that's very thorough.

Allison:I also have a man in Düsseldorf who sources German-engineered ergonomic desk organizers. They're not available in the United States, but I get them imported quarterly.

Leslie:You have an international office supply connection?

Allison:Several, actually. There's a filing cabinet manufacturer in Milan I work with closely.

Ben:Why are you two talking about staplers like you just discovered fire?

Leslie:Ben, you wouldn't understand. Allison gets it.

Ben:Gets what? That Swingline makes a good stapler?

Allison:See, he doesn't get it.

Tom:I have a very scientific approach to determining if a song bangs. First, I check the bass frequency at the drop. Then I calculate the BPM relative to the optimal dance tempo. I cross-reference the artist's previous chart performance with current streaming algorithms. Finally, I consult my spreadsheet.

Tom:If all metrics align, then yes, the song bangs. If not, it does not bang.

Tom:No, no, no. A banger has to have a drop. It has to have a build-up. You can't just have a guy with an acoustic guitar singing about his feelings.

Tom:Wait, what is this? Oh my God. Oh my God, no. No, no, no!

Tom:I accidentally downloaded an acoustic version of 'Treat Yo Self.' I need to go to the hospital. I think I'm having a stroke.

Ben:You know, a good DJ set is all about flow and pacing. You build momentum, take people on a journey.

Ben:I was looking at my playlist and I've got 10,000 Maniacs on there.

Ben:At this point, I'd say I've got 10,000 Maniacs and exactly zero chill.

Ben:I guess you could say that joke was... a real hit!

Tom:Ben, that was the worst thing I've ever heard, and I once listened to Treat Yo Self: The Musical.

Tom:I'm DJ Roomba. Whirrrr whirrrr whirrrr.

Leslie:My parents were so cool. They'd let us drink at after-parties.

Leslie:They're in prison now.

April:Prom is this weird thing where they try to make high school fun by decorating the gym and playing music and having a dance. But it's actually just a nightmare where you have to wear an uncomfortable dress and dance with someone you don't like while your parents take pictures.

April:Prom is my nightmare. Everyone's sweaty, the music is loud, and worst of all, they never fill the punch bowl more than halfway. It's disrespectful to the punch.

Andy:♪ Ann, Ann, Ann... uh, April, April, April ♪

Andy:April, will you go to prom with me?

April:Fine. You've laked me into it.

Andy:What does 'laked' mean?

April:You drove your car into a lake.

Leslie:We have a new internship program. I've named it the Thomas Jefferson Memorial WistfulGgs Cavity Meditative Yoga Breath Work Internship Program for Promising Young Adults.

April:I named it.

Leslie:I'm going to rename it tomorrow.

Leslie:Wait. You two know each other? From where?

Ron:We met at a woodworking conference in 1987.

Leslie:A woodworking conference? Ron, that's exactly the kind of place where the shadow government would recruit people. Think about it. Wood is a natural material. Nature is controlled by the Illuminati.

Allison:That doesn't make any sense.

Leslie:Doesn't it? Or does it make TOO much sense? You were both there. You both work in government. You both have excellent posture. Allison, you have excellent taste in scarves. Ron, you have excellent taste in breakfast meats. What if the conference wasn't about woodworking at all? What if it was about identifying people of exceptional quality and recruiting them into a secret society dedicated to excellence?

Leslie:I've mapped out a detailed conspiracy involving the city council, a secret tunneling operation, and why Ben keeps disappearing on Thursdays.

Leslie:Wait... I just realized I invented all of this in my head while looking at a city planning document and Ben's calendar.

Leslie:I'm basically just a very enthusiastic person with a binder and a problem.

Ron:Allison, welcome to the Parks Department. This is where we take taxpayer money and convert it into the slow, painful erosion of individual liberty through burdensome regulations and unnecessary bureaucratic oversight.

Allison:That's... not really what we do here.

Ron:That's what government does everywhere. We're just more honest about it.

Allison:Why don't you shut your mustache?

Leslie:I should warn you, the sawmill is extremely dangerous. Last year, someone lost a finger.

Leslie:Actually, it was two fingers. And a toe.

Leslie:Okay, it was a whole foot. The point is, people are always losing limbs.

Ron:I did Tim Hautner a favor once.

Ron:Built him a whole sawmill.

Leslie:Ron, if you don't help me recruit Allison, I'm going to come to your office every single day and reorganize your filing system alphabetically.

Ron:You wouldn't dare.

Leslie:Oh, I would dare. And then I'd color-code it.

April:Why did you pay for a limo?

Andy:It's the law. If you're going to prom, you have to arrive in a limo. It's in the Constitution.

April:That's not in the Constitution.

Andy:Well, it should be.

Andy:Orin?

April's mom:It's me, April's mom. I've decided to embrace my daughter's goth aesthetic.

Tom:Where's all my equipment? This is ridiculous!

Tom:I need a Kanye-themed mountain structure. Like, a 'Dropout' peak with a 'Graduation' summit. It needs to exist and it needs to exist now.

Ben:I can't believe they're out of elliptical cartridges. Do you know how hard it is to find replacements for my specific model?

Ben:I have this whole system. I've got them organized by year, by manufacturer, by resistance level. It's like my vinyl collection.

Ben:Speaking of which, I just scored three mint condition original pressings at the record shop. They're absolutely fire, no cap. I'm gonna have to reorganize my whole crates section.

Tom:Just throw them away, bro. They're just records. It's not like they're important or anything.

Ben:Tom, these are first pressings. Original vinyl from the 70s and 80s.

Tom:I only went to prom for 15 minutes. By the time I finished my grooming routine—exfoliating, moisturizing, cologne application, hair gel, teeth whitening strips—everyone was already slow dancing. I walked in right as they were playing the last song.

Tom:Yeah, I know I'm late. I was at this thing.

Date:Tom, you said you'd be here at 8. It's 10:30.

Tom:Look, I'm here now. Can we just dance or whatever?

Leslie:An A-plus? That's... that's fine. I mean, it's just a letter. Letters are arbitrary. A, B, C, D, E, F... they're all just shapes that someone decided to use. I could have invented better letters. But whatever, an A-plus is cool I guess.

Ben:You've had that framed for three hours.

Leslie:I'm going to frame it differently now.

Ron:I went to prom when I was 12.

Andy:Prom is like... it's like a beautiful butterfly made of music and dreams, you know? And that butterfly is also somehow a sandwich, but like, a really good sandwich that makes you cry happy tears because you realize that time is just a construct and we're all really just dancing skeletons trying to find meaning in the void.

Andy:Prom is like a movie, right? You go in with all these expectations, and then you watch it, and it's amazing.

Andy:But then you watch it again, and you're like, 'Wow, that wasn't as good as I remembered.'

Andy:So you keep watching it, thinking maybe you missed something the first time.

Andy:After watching it ten times, I can confirm: it's still bad.

April:Fine, you can dance.

April:But I'm going to be checking the bushes for abandoned babies.

High schooler:Your music is so mid and cringe, it's giving major flop energy.

Ben:Wait, what? Mid? I'm... I'm not sure what that means. Is that bad?

High schooler:It's giving clueless dad vibes.

Ben:Okay, but specifically, what did I do wrong? I can fix it. I'll add more cowbell or... or less cowbell?

Ben:What does 'no cap' mean?

Tom:It means 'no lie.' Kids say it now.

Ben:So if I said 'no cap' to someone at work, they'd understand me?

Tom:No cap, they would think you're having a stroke.

Leslie:Okay Allison, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna take this form, fill it out in triplicate, then take it to the Department of Parks assessment office on the third floor.

Ron:Actually, the assessment office moved to the basement. You'll need to take the old elevator, not the new one.

Leslie:Ron, why would you say that? Now she's completely confused!

Ron:I was providing accurate information.

Leslie:Yes, but you're ruining the fun! See? Everyone's laughing and having a great time, and you just had to be all truthful and helpful about it.

Donna:I didn't go to my own prom because I was dating Coach K during his championship run. He needed me there every night. It was the right call.

April:I think Ben and I are fundamentally incompatible. He's organized and optimistic, and I'm just... not.

Donna:Girl, you're not incompatible. You're just different. And different is good. My husband and I are nothing alike, but we make it work because we actually love each other.

April:But what if the differences are too big?

Donna:Then you break up. But you're not even trying. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and actually talk to your man.

Ron:I got Allison a job.

Ron:She starts Monday at the Parks Department.

Ron:If anyone needs to reach me, I'll be on my mobile telephone.

Leslie:Is that a phone from 1987? Ron, did you get that phone from a museum? You're supposed to *look at* the exhibits, not *become* one.

Leslie:We weren't harassing Allison, we were just... aggressively encouraging her.

Leslie:Okay, okay, I'll stop bothering you about this. I promise.

Leslie:But what if we negotiated on just bringing it up to an A-minus?

Leslie:Okay, so Allison, here's what I see in your future. You're going to get promoted to manager within six months. Then you'll move to a bigger city, maybe Chicago or Denver. You'll meet someone wonderful, get married in a small ceremony—very tasteful. Then you'll have two beautiful children. You'll write a book about your experiences in local government that becomes a bestseller. Then you'll run for city council. Then state senate. Then governor. And then, Allison, you're going to run for President of the United States and you're going to win. You'll be the greatest president this country has ever seen. Mount Rushmore will have to add a sixth face just for you.

Leslie:Alright kids, have a great time at prom! Remember to be safe, be respectful, and if you do decide to have sex, make sure you're both on the same page about what that means.

Kid:Ms. Knope, what does that mean?

Leslie:Well, like, some people think sex means just the penetrative kind, but actually there are many forms of sexual expression, and you should explore what feels right for you and your partner. Also, don't forget to use protection, because STDs are very real, and some of them don't have cures, so really think about—

Principal:Leslie, that's enough.

Ben:I mean... snoopies. That's what I call them. You know, like Snoopy? From Peanuts?

Ben:It's not... I didn't invent that. That's a real thing.

Student:That's a nice dress. Where did you get it?

April:A dead woman's closet. She was my size. I waited three days for her to stop needing it.

April:I'm not having fun because I'm thinking about all the pranks I pulled in high school. Like when I convinced everyone that we had a new student named Jorge who didn't exist, and I made a whole Facebook page for him. Or when I told people that Principal Henderson was having an affair with the lunch lady, which he actually was, but nobody believed the rumor until it came out in the newspaper. Or when I systematically convinced my entire grade that Mondays were being moved to Wednesday.

Ron:Leslie, I have developed a sophisticated system for tracking your level of craziness. It's based on a logarithmic scale, with data points including the number of binders you've created in a given week, how many times you've said the word 'amazing,' and the circumference of your eyes when you're excited about something.

Ron:I have a system. Every time Leslie does something insane, I make a little note of it.

Leslie:Oh, you keep a crazy log?

Ron:I'm up to 247 entries.

Leslie:That seems about right.

Leslie:A level 6 incident? Ron, those uniforms were an absolute travesty! The colors were completely washed out, the fit was unflattering, and don't even get me started on the stitching quality. This isn't just about soccer—this is about civic pride and representing our community with dignity!

Ron:You know, Leslie, life is like a construction blueprint. You can plan it out perfectly, but once you start building, things never go according to plan. A pipe bursts. The contractor disappears with your money. Your wife leaves you. And suddenly you're standing in an empty lot wondering where it all went wrong.

Leslie:Damn it. I just wish once you would say something stupid so I could ignore it.

April:I stuffed the ballot box. I wanted to see if I could commit an undetectable crime.

April:I'm 47.

Andy:This is the best night of my life! I'm at prom! I'm dancing! I'm wearing a tuxedo!

April:We just got kicked out.

Andy:I know! Isn't it great? We're rebels now. We're like James Dean. Except cooler because we got kicked out of prom. James Dean never got kicked out of prom because he was too cool to go to prom in the first place!

Andy:You're having fun now.

April:Yeah, well, only because we're breaking things and being irresponsible.

Ben:I'm worried I'm getting old and out of touch. What if I'm already dressing like an old person and don't even realize it?

Ben:I mean, look at me. Sensible shoes, khakis, a button-down shirt...

Ben:You know what I've noticed? Every billionaire has a weird haircut. Like, they all have that one weird thing with their hair. Elon Musk has that thing, Jeff Bezos is bald, Bill Gates has that cut...

Tom:That's because they stop caring about their appearance once they have enough money.

Ben:No, no, no. I think it's the opposite. I think the weird haircut is what makes them a billionaire. Like, they're so focused on their vision that they just let their hair do whatever it wants, and that confidence and that weirdness is what gets them to a billion dollars.

Tom:You'll never be as old as me.

Ben:That's true.

Leslie:You know what? I'm going to mentor you so hard. I'm going to mentor you every single day. I'm going to mentor you so much you're going to get sick of mentoring.

Allison:Please don't.

Leslie:Too late. It's happening. You're going to be the most mentored person in the entire state of Indiana.

Allison:Everyone, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend.

Leslie:Wait... Jeremy Jamm?

Leslie:Wait, you're dating Greg Pikitis? Greg Pikitis is the worst. He's a punk, he's a delinquent, he spray-painted my house!

Leslie:But you know what? You seem like a smart, capable woman, and if you think Greg Pikitis is worth your time, then... he's probably not that bad. Greg seems great.