New Beginnings

Leslie:I know this job is already mine, but I want to do the interview anyway. It's protocol.

Ron:Leslie, you're the director. You don't need to interview yourself.

Leslie:Ron, rules exist for a reason. What if I didn't follow procedure? What kind of government would we have?

Ron:A functional one.

Leslie:I'm going to need you to schedule that interview. And I'll need three copies of my resume, notarized.

Leslie:My entire premise was demanding equal treatment.

Leslie:But you know what? Forget that. I'm just going to abandon my principles when they don't work in my favor.

Ron:I've known Leslie for years. I've watched her grow as a person and as a public servant. I've seen her at her best and at her worst. I was there when she got her first job at the Parks Department. I've watched her navigate complex political situations. I've seen her fight for what she believes in, sometimes against all odds.

Ron:And I was there the night she cried in my office because she thought she'd never find love.

Leslie:Ron, what are your budget priorities?

Ron:I'd like to cut the Parks Department budget by 90 percent. Eliminate unnecessary positions. And fire everyone.

Ron Swanson:A spirit animal is not something to be assigned lightly. This is a bureaucratic process with no appeals.

Leslie Knope:But Ron, don't you think people should have a say in their own spirit animal?

Ron Swanson:No. The committee has spoken. There is no appeals process.

Leslie:My spirit animal is a dog? A DOG? I'm obviously a bald eagle or a wolf or some kind of majestic tiger.

Leslie:Wait, actually, a dog is perfect. Dogs are loyal, hardworking, and they never give up. That's exactly who I am.

Leslie:Okay, can we please get back to the actual agenda? We have a lot of work to do.

Ben:Leslie, I think what you're doing right now is classic Anxious Squirrel behavior.

Leslie:What? No, I'm not—

Tom:Yeah, and you're clearly in Defensive Peacock mode.

April:Everyone knows Leslie's spirit animal is Ambitious Beaver. She can't help it.

Tom:Guys, we crushed it. Can you please acknowledge my victory by giving me some dap?

Ben:Oh, sure.

Ben:Here's the contact information for a dap contractor in the area.

Tom:I created an app called 'Humble Brag.' It's like Twitter, but every post is automatically prefaced with 'I'm so blessed' or 'Living my best life.' It's the most narcissistic thing I've ever made, and I made it specifically so people could celebrate their own statements without any self-awareness whatsoever.

Leslie:Well, I may not be able to solve all your problems, but I can be here for you in the most technically minimal way possible.

Leslie:I will sit near you. Not next to you, because that would be too helpful. But in the general vicinity.

Leslie:I'll even make eye contact if you really need it. Occasionally.

Leslie:I can help you with your research.

Tom:No thanks, Lil' Sebastian's mom. I got this.

Larry:Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. It's what makes us human, what connects us to each other in ways that transcend logic and reason.

Chris:Actually, that's not true. Love is just a series of chemical reactions in your brain designed to make you procreate. Also, you have a stain on your shirt.

Ben:Ann, you make me the happiest man alive. Will you marry me?

Ann:*chokes on crackers* Yes! Yes, I— *cough cough* —I will marry you!

Chris:I have to say, that proposal was a lot like my digestive system. Unexpected, a little messy, and ultimately successful.

Ben:So I may have acquired some cheese that's technically not legal to import into the country, but it's from this amazing fromagerie in France, and I thought you all deserved to try it.

Ben:I mean, it's not like I'm smuggling heroin or anything. It's just cheese. Delicious, creamy, probably fine cheese. The FDA is very conservative about these things anyway.

Ben:You know what? Forget I said anything. It's cheese.

Ben:I'm so excited about this project! We're going to make such a positive impact on the community.

April:So what you're saying is we're all going to die. I volunteer as tribute.

Ben:Listen, I need to be firm here. You all need to follow protocol.

Ben:But I really appreciate what you're trying to do, and I think you're all great people.

Ben:So this is non-negotiable. No exceptions.

Ben:Though I completely understand why you might want to bend the rules, and honestly, I respect that.

Ben:But you can't. I won't allow it.

Ben:You're all wonderful and I love working with you.

Ben:Did you know that under the new bathroom break time limits, some employees have started showering at work?

Leslie:What? That's insane! Where are they even showering?

Ben:In the bathroom. Where else would they shower?

Leslie:Ben, there's no shower in our bathroom.

Ben:Not with that attitude.

Ben Wyatt:I'm going to need everyone to work harder, but also take more time off. Be more creative, but follow the rules exactly. Think outside the box, but stay in your lane.

Tom Haverford:So what you're saying is you're having a mental breakdown?

Ben Wyatt:No, I'm being a dynamic leader.

Tom Haverford:Those are the same thing.

Jerry:New rule: bathroom breaks are limited to five minutes.

Tom:Five minutes? What am I supposed to do, just pee and leave? What about washing my hands? What about a little primping in the mirror?

Jerry:Those are all part of the five minutes.

Tom:Well, what about a shower?

Leslie:A shower?

Tom:Yeah, you know, to freshen up.

Ron:Tom, we work in an office. Not a gym. Not a spa. An office.

Tom:I've developed a comprehensive spirit animal classification system based on kangaroos.

Tom:You answer a few key questions about yourself, and boom—you get paired with your perfect kangaroo spirit animal.

Tom:It's foolproof. Well, it would be if there were more than three kangaroos.

Tom:Yeah, I simplified the whole thing. Everyone's a Golden Retriever now.

Tom:I have a two-step plan: step one, come up with idea; step two, execute idea.

Leslie:That's not a plan, that's a description of thinking.

Tom:Well, it works for me.

Leslie:I have 80 steps in my presentation system.

Tom:Of course you do.

Leslie:It's not absurd! It's a perfectly logical system. Everything has its place, everything is color-coded, and cross-referenced with both alphabetical and chronological indices.

Ron:It's absurd.

Leslie:Well, the Pawnee Historical Society for Meticulous Record-Keeping and Binder Organization just gave me an award.

Leslie:This is my domain. I know every inch of this office.

Leslie:I am in complete control—

Leslie:OW! What is this?!

Ben:Would you officers like some cheese?

Police Officer:Is this a bribe?

Ben:What? No, it's just cheese.

Police Officer:It feels like a bribe.

Ben:I'm going to jail, aren't I?

Ben:I'm surrendering. I'm going with you.

April:Wait, are you getting married?

Chris:What? No! Well, yes. But not because anyone's pregnant.

Ann:So that romantic moment when you planned the whole thing out?

Chris:Yeah, I didn't plan anything. I just showed up at your door with flowers I bought at a gas station and said 'We should probably get married.'

Ann:Those were from a gas station?

Chris:The only flowers they had left. They were next to the beef jerky.

Leslie:Tom, I know you didn't read my binder. I have a very specific security system. I replaced all the binding with hair from different animals. If you had actually read it, you'd be covered in hair from a llama, a chinchilla, and a very angry emu.

Tom:Leslie, that's insane.

Leslie:Is it? Is it insane, Tom? Because you're not covered in animal hair.

Ben:What's going on? Why are there police officers here?

Police Officer:We need to talk to you about some serious charges.

Ben:Charges? What charges? I didn't do anything!

Jerry:Actually, Ben, you did.

Ben:Jerry? What are you—

Police Officer:We have photo documentation of everything.

Tom:Dude, you should see your face right now.

Leslie:Gotcha! This was all a prank! Look at these photos!

Ben:You guys... you got me. That was elaborate.

April:We've been planning this for weeks.

Leslie:Bisque? No. Absolutely not. Bisque is just a vehicle for cream and sadness. If I'm going to eat something that thick, it better be ice cream or regret.

Stu:It's a classic soup...

Leslie:It's a lie wrapped in a lobster shell. You know what? Retirement is off. We're doing this forever.

Stu:Using tiny glasses filled with hot stew instead of proper drinks

Ann:We've reached that level of intimacy where we can talk about anything. Like, I know exactly what Leslie does in the bathroom, and she knows my TV schedule.

Leslie:Ann, you really didn't need to bring that up.

Ann:No, it's sweet! Most couples don't get there. We're basically soulmates.

Larry:You know, Ben, I've been here a long time. And I've learned that the best leaders are humble. They don't brag about their accomplishments. They let their work speak for itself.

Larry:Me? I'm just a simple guy who pushes papers and tries not to mess things up too bad.

Larry:I pulled off the greatest prank in the history of pranks. I filled Jerry's office with balloons. Took me all night, but it was worth it.

Jerry:That's nice, Larry.

Tom:This mousse is incredible. It's got micro-nutrients and—wait, is mousse even still a thing? Do people use mousse anymore?

Chris:Ann, will you marry me?

Ann:Yes! Oh my God, yes!

Chris:Wait, no, I changed my mind.

Ann:Oh thank God, me too.

Leslie:Remember when Tom presented that idea about the laser pointer system and it went into his eye?

Tom:We don't talk about that.

Leslie:You lost vision in that eye for three weeks.

Tom:It came back eventually. Mostly.

Tom:Look, I didn't push Larry down the stairs. He fell because he was trying to sneak into my laser show without paying. He tripped on his own feet while running away from security.

Larry:That's not true! I was invited!

Tom:Larry, you were wearing a fake mustache and using the name 'Larry Gergich.' Your actual name is Larry Gergich.

Ben:Okay everyone, I have an announcement. There's been a terrorist attack at City Hall. We need to evacuate immediately.

April:What? Where?

Ben:The east wing. There's a bomb. We have ten minutes. Also, the terrorists have taken hostages and they're demanding one million dollars and a helicopter to the airport.

Jerry:Oh my God!

Ben:And they've also poisoned the water supply. So don't drink anything. Also, there's a sniper on the roof. Everyone get down!

Tom:Ben, what are you doing?

Ben:And now the building is on fire. We have to repel down the side using the fire hose. Go, go, go!

April:I'm going to kill you.

Ben:It's just fake blood, April. It washes right out.

April:Not you. I'm going to kill whoever told you that you're funny.

April:This is the best day of my life.

April:He's three. And I know what you're doing. You're trying to have a fake emotional moment so I'll think you're sensitive. It won't work. I know you.

Jewelry Store Owner:Look, I've shown you 47 rings. You've rejected every single one.

Ann:What about that one?

Jewelry Store Owner:That's the same ring you said looked like 'a frozen tear.' Twice.

Chris:What if we got two rings? One for each hand?

Jewelry Store Owner:You know what? Take them all. Take the store. I'm done.

Leslie:Stu is a master craftsman who has dedicated his life to the ancient art of stew-making. He works in conditions that would make a medieval peasant weep—hunched over a boiling cauldron for hours, his hands blistered from stirring an endless pot of root vegetables and mystery meat. He endures the acrid smoke that fills his lungs, the scalding splashes that mark his skin, the unbearable heat that beats down on him like a torturer's hammer.

Leslie:Stew is just a way of saying 'I gave up on seasoning,' and 'I gave up on presentation.' It's really just a way of saying 'I gave up.' And when you're eating stew, you're basically eating someone's broken dreams in a bowl.

Leslie:And honestly, I think stew is what they serve in hell. Like, that's the thing they make you eat for all eternity—just lukewarm stew with mystery meat floating around in it.

Leslie:So basically, if you're making stew, you're either very poor or you're dead. And probably, you're dead.

Stu:I think I've made a terrible mistake.

Leslie:I think that went really well.

Ben:Leslie, you just threw a shoe at the mayor.

Leslie:Oh.

Tom:Treat yo'self.

Unknown employee:R-e-s-p-e-g-c. According to Urethra Franklin, that's exactly how it's spelled

Ron:I hire the least qualified people. I do this intentionally. Because if I hire someone who has a passion for government and public service, I can't fire them for not doing a good job. It would be a personal betrayal. But if I hire someone who doesn't care, and they don't do a good job, I can just fire them and feel nothing. It's basic management.