Recall Vote

Tom:Jaden Smith wants to quit acting and work at Rent-a-Swag full-time. He says there's no better way to build a personal brand.

Tom:I need to go home, put on my thinking PJs, and make some hot chocolate before I can make a decision this big.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Those aren't just pajamas. Those are my thinking PJs. I do my best problem-solving in those things. You can't put a price on innovation.

Tom:And my snuggle sweatshirt? That's a legitimate business expense. It keeps me comfortable, which keeps me sharp, which makes me money. It's an investment in my future.

Tom:You're looking at this all wrong. These aren't ridiculous clothing items. These are tools. Valuable tools that have directly contributed to my success in business and in life.

Leslie:Larry, you're late again. Do you have any idea how inconsiderate that is?

Larry:Actually, I was helping organize the surprise birthday party for you.

Leslie:Oh... well, that's... I feel terrible now.

April:I'm upgrading from 'silly skeleton' to 'undead serial killer' this year.

Leslie:Did you know today is Dwayne Johnson's birthday? The Rock! Can you believe it? We should do something special. Maybe we could get the whole department together and make him a cake. A really big cake. With his face on it. In frosting. I think that would be a great use of our time right now.

Tom:Ron, I'm stressed about this business deal. Can you help me relax?

Ron:No.

Tom:Come on, just make me a hot chocky?

Ron:I'm not making you a hot chocolate with baby talk, Tom. You're a grown man.

Tom:Please? With the little marshmallows?

Tom:Ron, I'm really going through something right now. I could use a friend.

Ron:I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds terrible. Anyway, I have a meeting.

Tom:Ron, you're in this lifestyle magazine!

Ron:What?

Tom:You're IN it! Ron Swanson, lifestyle icon!

Ron:I don't understand.

Tom:They did a whole spread on you! 'Ron Swanson: America's Most Interesting Man!'

Tom:Annabel Porter is a lifestyle guru with an impressive resume. She's written three books, hosted a talk show, and most impressively... she's lived in someone's pool house.

Tom:Annabel Porter's credentials are impeccable. She's got the work ethic, the drive, the ambition. Her only dream is friendship.

Tom:Bloosh says the key to a healthy lifestyle is sustainable organic farming. So I'm buying an island.

Tom:I'm gonna grow my own vegetables, raise my own chickens, live off the land completely.

Tom:Ron, I got you a gift to celebrate your success.

Ron:I don't want your gift, Swanson.

Tom:Well, joke's on you because I was always planning to keep it for myself anyway.

Chris:April, I can see you're going through something. I've been there. My therapist says I have a tendency to over-compartmentalize my emotions, which is ironic because I also over-share at inappropriate times. Last week I cried at a Cinnabon because it reminded me of my childhood, and the employee had to call her manager. But the point is, I'm here for you.

April:Every Halloween, Andy and I pick the most annoying person we know and we mess with them all day.

Andy:Yeah, we follow them around, we move their stuff, we tell them their fly is down when it's not...

Larry:Wait. That was you two? On Halloween? Moving my things around?

April:Yeah, Larry. You're the most annoying person we know.

Larry:I want to file a complaint about this harassment.

April:You can file it with yourself. You're the Parks Department.

Andy:Yeah, you're the guy. You have to investigate yourself.

Chris:Hey April, I'm going to try something Andy would do. Okay, here goes... RAWR! I'm a scary monster!

April:Chris, what are you doing?

Chris:Being playful and fun! Isn't this how Andy cheers people up? I'm not very good at this, am I?

Leslie:Larry, that jack-o-lantern looks like a blob. It's just a blob with a knife through it.

Larry:Well, my wife thinks it's great.

Leslie:Your wife also thinks you're a good dancer.

Leslie:Wait, wait, wait. Did anyone else notice that we missed the perfect opportunity to call it a 'Boo-reau of Land Management'? A BOO-reau? We had it right there and we didn't use it. That's fine. That's fine. I'm fine.

Ben:I made a fake concert poster of Radiohead coming to Pawnee. I'm going to put it up around town, and Leslie will see it and be so excited. Then, right before the concert date, I'll tell her it got cancelled. She'll be devastated for exactly four to six hours, and then I'll surprise her with actual Radiohead tickets I bought.

Ann:Okay, so we have this secret hand signal. You do this thing where you touch your nose and then point at someone.

Ann:It means 'I got you.'

Tom:That's the signal from E.T.!

Ann:What? No, it's not.

Tom:Yes it is! E.T. phone home. That's literally E.T.'s thing.

Ann:Oh my God.

Leslie:I need to make sure every detail of this haunted house is perfect. The fog machine positioning, the jump scare timing, the actor rotations...

Ann:Or we could all just do nail art and call it a day?

Leslie:Ann, no.

Leslie:That's a great idea, Ann. You're like the human version of a calculator. You have a brain, but no face.

Tom:Yo, Ron, that meeting was straight fire, no cap. We were really popping off in there, you feel me?

Ron:I have no idea what you just said. Please never speak again.

Tom:Okay Ron, listen. In lifestyle magazines, we have our own language. You gotta learn to speak it if you want to be taken seriously.

Tom:For example, we don't say 'muscles' anymore. We say 'jels.'

Ron:That's idiotic.

Tom:And we don't say 'Oh my God.' We say 'O.M.Squee.'

Ron:I'm not saying that.

Tom:And 'bangs envy' is when you see a woman with bangs and you want them.

Ron:Why would anyone want bangs? They cover your face.

Ron:I have no idea what any of these words mean. Lifestyle. Hashtag. Bitcoin. I don't understand any of it.

Donna:That's because you're old.

Ron:I'm not old. I'm... I'm just not interested in things.

News anchor:We're still waiting for the results to come in from several key precincts. It's far too early to call this race.

News anchor:The margin is razor-thin. Every vote will matter in this incredibly close election.

News anchor:Actually, we're getting word that the race is completely over. One candidate won by forty points.

Larry:Buongiorno! I brought-a the cannoli for the celebration! Why-a everybody look so sad?

Ann:She left me this voicemail where she was just crying and hyperventilating. She said, 'Ann, I can't feel my face. Is my face still there? I think my face fell off.'

Leslie:Hey guys! What's up, buttheads?

Leslie:I've been working on my concession speech. I want it to be gracious and humble, you know?

Leslie:Dear voters of Pawnee, you are all idiots. Congratulations on your terrible decision. I hope you enjoy your new terrible leader while I go to Harvard and become president, which I will definitely do. Signed, Leslie Knope, Future President and Current Smartest Person.

Leslie:We could add Li'l Sebastian to the haunted house!

Everyone:*horrified silence*

Ben:*exits*

Annabel:First of all, Mozambique cashmere is the new cast-iron stove.

Annabel:This sectional is absolutely delicious.

Ron:I'm not going to eat furniture.

Child:Where's the scary stuff?

Leslie Knope:Oh, well, the real scary stuff isn't in here. It's out there. It's student debt, it's choosing the wrong career, it's realizing your parents are just making it up as they go along, it's wondering if you're ever going to find someone who loves you, it's watching your metabolism slow down, it's wondering if you're going to die alone...

Child:This is a fun house.

Leslie Knope:I know, buddy. I know.

Kid:Can I have some candy?

Leslie:Well, I have some bad news. You've already peaked. It's all downhill from here. So no candy for you.

Leslie:Okay kids, I know today was scary, but remember - you're all very brave! And as the great poet Robert Frost once said, 'The woods are lovely, dark and deep, and I have miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.' So... don't lose hope!

Annabel:You could use that chair as a throne, or a meditation seat, or even a lectern for important announcements!

Ron:It's a chair. I sit in it.

Ann:I went to this amazing new restaurant last night. It's called 'Deconstructed Essence of Potato.'

Leslie:That sounds pretentious.

Ann:It was! They served me three peas on a slate tile for $47.

Jerry:Three peas? I could get a whole bag of frozen peas at the grocery store for two dollars.

Ann:But these were artisanal peas, Jerry. They were hand-selected from a farm in Vermont.

Ron:Ann, that's insane. You paid $16 per pea.

Joan:I need everyone to be quiet. I have an important announcement.

Joan:Your hair looks really nice today.

Annabel:Well, yes. I've been using a conditioning treatment derived from Icelandic glacier water and the tears of a endangered species.

Chris:I'm going to scare April. I'm going to hide behind this corner and jump out.

Chris:Wait, why can I see myself in this mirror? April's going to see me coming from a mile away.

Chris:There are mirrors everywhere in this hallway. How is anyone supposed to scare anyone in a government building?

Chris:I'm going to channel Andy's energy and just be super positive and enthusiastic about everything.

April:That's not going to work. You're being weird.

Chris:What? I'm being authentic. This is who Andy is.

April:No, you look like an FBI agent trying to go undercover at a Rascal Flatts concert.

Chris:Well, that's oddly specific, but I think the FBI would actually be less believable in that scenario.

April:The problem is that you're trying too hard. You're like, aggressively optimistic. It's exhausting. I can't even mock you properly because you just absorb it and turn it into something positive. It's infuriating.

Chris:I'm failing as both a boyfriend and a government employee. That's... that's two things. Two distinct things that I'm failing at.

Ben:Look, I know how you feel. When I was mayor of Ice Town, I got impeached. It was a really dark time for me.

Ben:But I got through it, and you will too.

Ben:Wait, I was on the Student Government in high school. I was President.

Leslie:That's great!

Ben:No, it's not. I think that might have been the peak of my life.

Leslie:What are you talking about? You're the Deputy City Manager.

Ben:Yeah, but I was *President* in high school. That's a bigger title.

Leslie:Oh my god, Ben, look at this lamp! It's so... cylindrical! Why is it cylindrical?! That's genius!

Leslie:Wait, wait, wait. This couch. This couch is just fabric stretched over wood. WHO THOUGHT OF THAT? That person deserves a medal!

Leslie:The floor is so... flat! It's like a big, flat rectangle that goes all the way across!

Leslie:This window is basically just a hole that lets you see outside! That's INSANE!

Tom:Ron, when we get in there, let me do the talking. I've prepared some talking points.

Ron:Tom, you don't need talking points. Just be yourself.

Tom:That's the problem, Ron. I need you to tell her that I'm very successful, that I have many leather-bound books, and that my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Ron:Those are all things I say about myself.

Tom:I know. And it works for you.

Ron:I believe in craftsmanship. If you're going to make something, make it right. Use quality materials, take your time, and put care into every detail.

Annabel:That's nice, Ron. You know, the Chinese make things really cheap and fast. We should probably just buy everything from them.

Ron Swanson:I need to get back to my office.

Annabel:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where do you think you're going, you magnificent bastard? Get back here and tell me more about your woodworking!

Leslie:I would like to make an official announcement. Ben and I are no longer intoxicated. We are completely sober. From this moment forward, we pledge to maintain the highest standards of sobriety and decorum.

Pawn Shop Owner:Yeah, sure, I can do that.

Leslie:I'm thinking something really subtle. Maybe a small tattoo of the town seal, but with little fireworks coming out of it, and then the words 'Pawnee Forever' in a really cool gothic font, and then maybe some eagles, and a banner that says 'Leslie Knope Was Here,' and then the entire Bill of Rights in tiny letters around the edges, and then a hologram of me shaking hands with all the presidents, and then...

Ben:Do you have anything for pain?

Pawnshop Owner:Yeah, I got this bucket of pills. I don't know what they are, but they're free.

Ben:That's not really a solution.

Pawnshop Owner:It's a bucket of solutions.

Tattoo Artist:So you want a tattoo of a compass pointing to your heart?

Ben:No, a compass pointing to my *home*.

Tattoo Artist:Right, that's what I said. A compass pointing to your heart.

Ann:Ben, that's not what he said at all.

Ben:This is going to be a problem, isn't it?

Leslie:Ann, listen to me. Tattoos are a sign that you haven't peaked. Think about it. The most successful people in the world? No tattoos. They peaked early, got comfortable, didn't need to mark their body to feel alive.

Leslie:But us? We get tattoos because we're still climbing. We're still hungry. We're saying to the world, 'I am not done yet.'

Leslie:So actually, Ann, by getting a tattoo, we're guaranteeing that we will never peak.

Leslie:Okay, well, we'll see you later, Chief.

Ben:Yeah, take care, Ace.

Pawnshop Owner:My name is Gary.

Ron:I have a name. It's Ron. I like my name. It's short, it's simple, it's direct. When I die, I want people to remember my name. Not because I did anything special, but because it was a good name. That's all a person can hope for.

Tom:When I die, I want my gravestone to be a solid gold statue of me, riding a solid gold motorcycle, doing a wheelie. And under it, it just says 'Tom Haverford: He Stayed Lit.' In Comic Sans.

Ben:I was supposed to stop you from getting tattoos. But honestly, I find your complete disregard for consequences and your destructive ideas kind of... endearing.

Leslie:I have to face facts. Ann is gone. She moved away. And I'm never going to see her again.

Leslie:Well, I mean, I'll see her again. But not like, all the time.

Leslie:You're like a poetic and noble land mermaid.

April:I'm being weird because I miss Andy. It's temporary weakness. Once he gets back, I'll return to normal and stop saying things like 'I love you' and 'I'm glad you exist.'

April:You're in love with me.

Chris:I'm not in love with you. I'm in love with Ann.

Tom:I'm selling out. And I'm not ashamed about it. Selling out is what successful people do. It's the American dream.

Ben:Leslie's like a toddler after a nap. She just wakes up and is ready to take on the world again.

Leslie:And this one is Ben as a sexy pumpkin.

Ben:No surprise.