I Love Lisa

Marty:And now, a romantic Valentine's Day song for all you lovers out there.

Announcer #2:Marty, that's the monster movie theme.

Marty:I know.

Grampa Simpson:Valentine's Day? Bah! It's nothing but commercial manipulation designed to separate fools from their money. Back in my day, we didn't need a greeting card company telling us when to show affection.

Grampa Simpson:It's all a scam, I tell ya. A conspiracy by Big Candy and Big Florist to—

Grampa Simpson:Wait... is this... is this for me?

Grampa Simpson:A valentine? Oh my stars... *sniffles* Someone thinks I'm special. Why, I haven't felt this loved since... since Mona was alive. This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Moe:I got a secret admirer! Someone thinks I'm special!

Barney:Hey Moe, it's me, Barney. I think you're real special.

Moe:Barney?!

Homer Simpson:Oh no, what did I forget? What special day is it?

Homer Simpson:Bacon day? No, that's crazy.

Homer:Valentine's Day isn't a big deal.

Homer Simpson:The gift? Oh, it's in the garage, behind the third box from the left, next to the old paint cans, under that blue tarp we haven't used since '98, in the corner by the workbench where I keep my... uh...

Marge Simpson:Homer, why are you being so specific?

Homer Simpson:No reason! Gotta go!

Homer Simpson:I'm not paying that much for a gift!

Apu:Oh, you say that now, but when you are standing in the checkout line at 11:59 PM on Christmas Eve with nothing in your cart, you will be back. They always come back.

Homer:Oh Apu, you're a lifesaver! I don't know what I'd do without you!

Apu:That will be $19.95.

Homer:NINETEEN NINETY-FIVE?! Are you out of your mind?!

Homer:I'll never shop there again!

Apu:Oh no, not another customer lost to the Kwik-E-Mart! Wait... he'll probably just go to that new discount supermarket across the street. They've got lower prices and better hours. How will I compete? My profit margins are already razor-thin!

Ralph Wiggum:Miss Hoover, isn't this just busy work?

Miss Hoover:Yes, it is. Now sit down and be quiet.

Miss Hoover:Ralph, you can't use scissors. You'll hurt yourself.

Ralph Wiggum:But teacher, I'm careful!

Miss Hoover:No, Ralph. The other children are right to laugh at you.

Miss Hoover:Ralph, where is your red crayon?

Ralph Wiggum:I ate it.

Principal Skinner:I have called this assembly to address the inappropriate candy that has been distributed at Springfield Elementary. The candy in question contains sexually suggestive messages. Now, I don't want to point fingers, but if I were to point a finger, it would be at a certain fourth-grader whose name rhymes with 'Bart Simpson.'

Bart Simpson:Ay caramba! I did that!

Ralph Wiggum:I'm gluing my head to my shoulders!

Teacher:Ralph, no—

Ralph Wiggum:I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

Lisa Simpson:Ralph, I... I made you a valentine.

Ralph Wiggum:You did? Oh boy!

Ralph Wiggum:I'm gonna go out with Lisa Simpson!

Ralph Wiggum:Choo-choo-choose me? ...I'm the only one?

Lunch Lady Doris:We're serving beef hearts for Valentine's Day lunch.

Otto:Beef hearts? Isn't that, like, unsanitary or something?

Lunch Lady Doris:Oh, here comes Heart Boy with his fancy hygiene concerns.

Bart Simpson:I'm having a medical crisis! My baboon heart is being rejected!

Ralph:I choo-choo-choose you! And there's a picture of a train!

Lisa:That's... nice, Ralph.

Ralph Wiggum:So, uh, you like... stuff?

Lisa Simpson:What? Ralph, that's the vaguest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Ralph Wiggum:Yeah, well, I like stuff too. We have a lot in common.

Lisa Simpson:We really don't, Ralph.

Ralph Wiggum:Do you ever think about... things?

Lisa Simpson:I'm walking faster now.

Ralph Wiggum:My doctor says I have the heart of a lion and my teeth are made of baby carrots.

Ralph Wiggum:He also says my nose runs but my feet smell.

Ralph Wiggum:I'm a doctor!

Sideshow Mel:You know, Krusty, you're a terrible person and a hack. Your jokes aren't funny, your show is garbage, and you've ruined my life.

Krusty:Hey! Watch it, pal!

Sideshow Mel:You know, Krusty, in all my years working for you, I've never seen a man so [BLEEP].

Krusty:Hey, what'd he say?

Bart Simpson:I'd sell my firstborn son for Krusty tickets!

Homer Simpson:You got a deal!

Bart Simpson:Wait, what?

Homer Simpson:As your father, I have legal authority over you. Hand over the boy!

Grampa Simpson:Pity? That's the best basis for a relationship. Why, I married your grandma out of pity.

Grampa Simpson:She pitied me too. We had a beautiful pity-based marriage for many years.

Homer:I've heard every rejection line there is. 'It's not you, it's me.' 'I'm just not ready for a relationship.' 'I'm leaving the country.'

Homer:So I developed a defense. When a woman says no, I just pretend I don't speak English.

Homer:No speaky da English. No understand rejection. Me just want some-a pizza and watch-a the TV.

Homer:Blargblargblarg! Me speak only in weird sounds now!

Homer Simpson:Well, there's the classic 'It's not you, it's me.' Then there's the 'I'm in love with someone else.' Or you could go with 'I'm moving to another country.' But my personal favorite is 'I'm actually a hologram from the future, and if we touch, you'll cease to exist.'

Homer Simpson:You know, the key to opening a stubborn jar is patience and persistence. You gotta stay calm, keep your cool, and—

Homer Simpson:WHY WON'T THIS STUPID JAR OPEN?!

Homer Simpson:That's it!

Krusty the Clown:Yeah, well all those critics said I'd never last 29 years. You know what? They're all dead now. Ha-cha!

Krusty the Clown:Why do they call it a urine monkey?

Homer Simpson:A perfectly good toothbrush! Well, gently used.

Homer Simpson:Eh, I have my standards.

Ralph Wiggum:Hi Lisa. I'm ready to go out.

Bart Simpson:Scram, Ralph. Lisa's not interested in you.

Ralph Wiggum:But we're going steady.

Bart Simpson:No you're not, you idiot. Now beat it before I pound you.

Ralph:The working conditions here are terrible! There's asbestos everywhere!

Homer:Asbestos? That's the stuff they use to make things fireproof, right? Sounds pretty safe to me.

Milhouse:I'm a four-eyed freak! The whole world's gonna laugh at me!

Milhouse:Wait, they already do. Oh, that makes me so angry! Ow!

Milhouse:This auditorium stinks! It smells like a thousand pukings!

Rex:This is an outrage! I was clearly the superior choice for George Washington. My performance would have been historically accurate, emotionally resonant, and physically commanding.

Rex:But no, the theater establishment has spoken. They've chosen mediocrity over excellence. Ralph Wiggum? The boy who can barely read a cue card?

Rex:I'm telling you, there's corruption at the highest levels of elementary school theater. Backroom deals. Favoritism. It's a conspiracy that reaches into the very soul of our institution!

Chief Wiggum:I may have made a small donation to the school's theater program. A very small donation. In the form of a large check.

Lisa:Oh my god, Ralph gave me this gift?

Ralph:I put it in the tunk of my car.

Lisa:You mean the trunk?

Ralph:That's what I said, the tunk.

Bart Simpson:I'm a way bigger Krusty fan than Lisa.

Bart Simpson:I own the limited edition Krusty the Clown prostate examiner.

Bart Simpson:I'd do anything for love. I'd even pretend to be Lisa.

Bart Simpson:I'd listen to her boring stories about environmental causes.

Bart Simpson:I'd attend all her concerts and talent shows.

Bart Simpson:I'd even... I'd even let her talk to me about her feelings.

Bart Simpson:And if that's not enough, I could make the ultimate sacrifice.

Bart Simpson:I could be... faithful.

Lisa:Dad, is it right to take things from people you don't like?

Homer:Well, it depends. Are they things you want?

Lisa:Dad, is it right to take gifts from people you don't like?

Homer:Well, I'd say yes. Your conscience is just God's way of telling you to ignore it and do what you want.

Ralph Wiggum:I choo-choo-choose you!

Ralph Wiggum:And there's picture of a train on it!

Chief Wiggum:A bust? No, no, I'm just here for the... the donuts. They have a very good donut selection here.

Chief Wiggum:Wait, did you say bust? Because I'm not busting anyone. I mean, I'm not here to bust anyone. I mean... this place doesn't have any busts. Statues, I mean.

Krusty the Clown:Mr. President, I'll be honest with you. I've been very disloyal to you in my campaigns. But come election day, I'm always loyal.

Krusty the Clown:What's the deal with these young people today? They don't know nothin' about the classics!

Krusty the Clown:I make a joke about Eisenhower and nobody laughs. It's not me, it's you people! You're too dumb!

Ralph Wiggum:Would you like some ice cream, Lisa?

Lisa Simpson:Oh, that's sweet of you, Ralph.

Homer Simpson:Ice cream?! Where?!

Homer Simpson:Mmm... ice cream...

Ralph Wiggum:Ow! My cone!

Homer Simpson:Oops.

Krusty:Now I hit my sidekick.

Sideshow Raheem:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You better not lay a finger on me, or I'll mess you up!

Krusty:My sincerest apologies.

Ralph Wiggum:I choo-choo-choose you!

Lisa Simpson:Oh my God.

Krusty:Kids, we got a live one here!

Ralph Wiggum:I'm helping!

Lisa Simpson:No you're not, Ralph. You're making everything worse. You're a idiot. A complete and total idiot.

Ralph Wiggum:But Lisa, I thought—

Lisa Simpson:You don't think, Ralph. Nobody thinks you think. You're dumb, you're ugly, and nobody likes you.

Bart:I'm gonna rewind that and watch it again in slow motion.

Bart:Notice the way his shoulders drop. That's classic onset of depression.

Bart:And there—the thousand-yard stare. Textbook emotional devastation.

Ralph:The ducks were nice to me.

Ralph:Then they flew away. I guess they got scared of me.

Chief Wiggum:There, there, son. You're a good kid. Any girl would be lucky to have you.

Ralph:Really?

Chief Wiggum:No, not really. What was I thinking? You're a idiot, boy.

Chief Wiggum:Listen here, Simpson... I'm warning you, one more stunt like that and I'll have to take police action!

Chief Wiggum:Oh no, a duck took my badge! Well, I guess that's it for me. I'm done being a cop.

Chief Wiggum:Oh no, my badge! Come back here, you little...

Ralph Wiggum:Daddy, the ducky took your shiny thing!

Chief Wiggum:I can see that, boy. Alright, that's it. I'm a duck's police chief now. I'm not even gonna try.

Citizen:Honest citizens will stand up to corrupt cops!

Chief Wiggum:Oh yeah? Well, name a time and place, pal.

Principal Skinner:My mother was right. It is all my fault.

Principal Skinner:Willie, I need you to water down the orange drink even more.

Groundskeeper Willie:Mr. Skinner, I've watered it down so much, it's just orange-colored water now. If I water it down any more, it'll be clear!

Principal Skinner:That's what I'm asking for, Willie.

Groundskeeper Willie:But sir, there's a limit to how much ye can dilute somethin' before it stops bein' what it was! I've reached that limit, and I willnae cross it!

Bart Simpson:Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battle field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be dedicated here to the great task remaining before us, that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion, that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth. My name is Bart Simpson.

Bart Simpson:Eat my shorts, Mr. President!

Bart:I'm gonna assassinate President Millard Fillmore!

Ralph:I'm gonna hit you with this cane if you don't get me some ice cream!

Groundskeeper Willie:Aye, that lad could make a stone cry. Reminds me of the time my father wept at me mother's funeral... then again at me weddin', but those were tears of disappointment.

Lisa Simpson:Ralph, I'm sorry about before. I made you this valentine. It says 'Bee mine'—get it? Because you're sweet like honey, and—

Ralph Wiggum:A bee! My favorite! Can I keep it?

Radio DJ:And now, here's a song for all you lovers out there...

Radio DJ:*plays upbeat rock song*