Barts Comet

Principal Skinner:Science Week should be impressive and educational.

Principal Skinner:The best they can say is they didn't blow anything up.

Principal Skinner:Well, that's a lovely display of enthusiasm, but I'm afraid we need to file the proper forms before any cheering can be officially sanctioned. There are noise ordinances to consider, and we'll need signed parental consent for decibel levels above 85.

Principal Skinner:Well, well, well. A perfectionist, I see. Only you could capture the exact proportions of my chin and the precise angle of my disappointment.

Skinner:No! Not the car! Watch the car! The car!

Military Pilot:We have an unidentified flying object. Weapons locked. Ready to fire.

Military Commander:Hold your fire! That's just a weather balloon.

Military Pilot:Sir, it's heading toward the school. It could be a science project.

Military Commander:A science project? Fire at will!

Military Pilot:We've missed our target twice.

Military Pilot:It's the healthcare funding. We can't afford better pilots.

Principal Skinner:A pox upon you, Sir William Ramsay, Scottish chemist and 1904 Nobel laureate!

Skinner:Bart, empty your pockets. Now.

Bart:But Principal Skinner, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm completely innocent.

Skinner:Is that so?

Bart:Ay caramba!

Principal Skinner:Bart, I found these items in your pockets. Care to explain?

Bart:Well, sir, those are just some things I was carrying around.

Principal Skinner:Just things? This appears to be a detailed schematic, a timeline, signed witness statements, and a cost-benefit analysis!

Bart:I like to be thorough with my pranks, sir.

Skinner:We'll start at 4:30 AM.

Bart:4:30 AM? There's a 4:30 in the morning?

Radio DJ:It's 4:30 AM news time. Nothing happens this early, so there's no news to report.

Bart:Mom, can I have breakfast?

Marge:Bart, it's 4:30 in the morning.

Bart:So?

Marge:Well, I suppose you could have some of that garbage food from last night.

Bart:Here boy! Come on, girl! Here boy! Come on, girl! Here boy! Come on, girl!

Principal Skinner:Science is all around us, Simpson. It's exciting! Why, just yesterday we conducted an experiment on the coefficient of friction.

Bart:Sounds like a blast.

Principal Skinner:It was! We also calculated the trajectory of a falling object, observed the crystalline structure of salt, and measured the pH levels of various household substances.

Bart:Uh, Principal Skinner? That sounds like the opposite of fun.

Principal Skinner:Fun? It's not about fun, Simpson. It's about understanding the fundamental principles of the universe through rigorous mathematical analysis and meticulous record-keeping.

Skinner:And there's Orion, the hunter. And there's his dog, Canis Major.

Bart:So like, who connects all the dots? Is there a guy up there doing it, or did God just naturally make them that way?

Principal Skinner:I've always hoped to discover something that would change education forever.

Principal Skinner:Well, I did discover something once.

Principal Skinner:But Principal Superintendent took all the credit for it.

Principal Skinner:He also got revenge on the principal's child for some reason

Principal Skinner:Did you record the data?

Bart:No, I didn't.

Principal Skinner:Excellent work, Bart.

Bart:Yeah, hi, I'm calling about this thing I discovered in the sky.

Observatory Worker:What are the coordinates?

Bart:Uh, it's right there, above that big tree, next to the moon.

Principal Skinner:Good heavens! I've discovered a rumpy doppelgänger!

Homer:So I'm telling you, I had to flee from this incident at work today.

Lisa:That's wonderful, Dad!

Homer:I know. I'm a great father.

Lisa:You forgot Maggie at the store.

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Oh Bart, I'm so proud of you for discovering that comet!

Bart:Wait, you've always been proud of me?

Marge:Well... I suppose so, yes.

Lisa:Welcome to the Super Friends club. We have Aquaman, Superman, Wonder Woman... and then there's Ham.

Ham:Actually, my superhero name is Captain Commodore.

Lisa:Right, because you're obsessed with retro computing. The rest of you have ridiculous nicknames based on nerdy interests too.

Nerd 1:I'm Byte-Master, named after my favorite programming language!

Nerd 2:And I'm Dungeonmaster Supreme!

Lisa:Except for me. I'm just... Lisa.

Lisa:I'm Lisa Simpson.

Bart:I'm Bartman.

Ralph:I'm Radiation Boy.

Martin:I'm Fallout Boy.

Bart:Hey, check it out! There's a comet!

Database:According to my calculations, the proper way to observe a comet is to stand perfectly still, face due north, and blink exactly 47 times. Any deviation from this protocol will result in improper comet observation.

Bart:Dude, it's just a comet. You can look at it however you want.

Database:Incorrect. I have established protocols, Simpson. Your casual approach to celestial observation is precisely why society is crumbling.

Lisa:My God! It's headed straight for us! We only have 73 days!

Lisa:Bart, the comet will kill everyone.

Bart:Oh sure, Lisa. And I suppose you'll live?

Super Friends:🎵 Super Friends, Super Friends, we're on our way to help you! 🎵

Random person:Shut up!

Super Friends:🎵 Super Friends, Super Friends— 🎵

Moe:Doomsday Whistle? Yeah, I know about that. It goes off every third Thursday at noon. Half the time I think it's a tornado, the other half I think it's just Barney setting off the car alarm again.

Government official:I rushed right over here as fast as I could to help!

Government official:How can I assist you people of... Sprinch-field?

Government Official:I came here to help Springfieldia... I mean Springfield.

Government Official:The comet will hit Springfield.

Crowd:[applause]

Professor Frink:I've assembled a team of experts to help us with this problem.

Professor Frink:We have a former astronaut, a disbarred lawyer, and a man who was fired from the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

Professor Frink:In other words, the finest minds money can't buy.

Homer:Look, Lisa, in this country we have something called democracy. And it's a beautiful thing. We vote on stuff, and if it passes, we just sit back and complain about it. That's the American way!

Homer:You see, the rainforest is a perfect example of government working.

Lisa:Actually, Dad, the rainforest isn't a government—

Homer:Lisa, Lisa, Lisa... quiet. You're thinking again.

Homer:Well, if my backup plan doesn't work out, I'll just make silly sound effects and confuse people.

Homer:Boing! Sproing! Woop woop woop woop!

Homer:The rocket was supposed to save us!

Marge:It destroyed our escape route instead.

Kent Brockman:In a stunning turn of events, the rocket has achieved what scientists call 'escape velocity,' or as the ancients knew it, 'Hermes doing his thing.' The vessel, much like Icarus flying too close to the sun, has instead flown too close to... well, the sun. Experts confirm the spacecraft has reached what they're calling 'a really bad trajectory,' which is Latin for 'we're all doomed.'

Kent Brockman:What we're witnessing here is a reckless disregard for human life... which some might call the American spirit!

Congressman:I move to add $50 million in federal funding for the arts to this disaster relief bill.

Other Congressman:But sir, this is an evacuation bill for Springfield!

Congressman:I know what I'm doing. All in favor?

Kent Brockman:Well, it looks like Congress has failed to pass the evacuation bill. But don't worry folks, I'm sure they'll get around to it... eventually. In the meantime, why not try our new Democracy-flavored soda? It tastes just like broken promises and disappointment.

Kent Brockman:Well, I suppose if the world's ending, there's no point in keeping secrets anymore.

Homer:Ooh! Ooh! Tell us! Tell us!

Marge:Homer, shouldn't we be more concerned about, you know, the world ending?

Homer:Marge, when am I ever going to get another chance to hear juicy gossip from a news anchor?

Homer:Don't worry. I'm sure it'll burn up in the atmosphere and everything will be fine.

Homer:May the Lord strike me down if I'm wrong!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:A comet? That's not a threat, that's just a big space rock. It's probably no bigger than... than a really big football stadium made of cheese!

Homer:Well, well, well... looks like my bomb shelter saved the day! Who's the genius now?

Marge:Homer, we didn't even know we had a bomb shelter.

Homer:Exactly! That's how good I am at keeping secrets. You're welcome.

Homer:Ned, I need to use your bomb shelter. Now.

Ned:Well, gosh, Homer, I'd love to help, but it's not really a good time. We're having a little get-together with the—

Homer:I don't care about your stupid party. My family needs that shelter.

Ned:Gee willikers, Homer, I understand you're upset, but maybe we could work out a compromise. How about you come back tomorrow and—

Homer:Tomorrow? Are you out of your mind? I need it now! What if something happens in the next five minutes?

Ned:Well, the odds of that are pretty slim, neighbor. But if you'd like, you could always—

Homer:You know what? Forget it. You're a terrible Christian, Ned.

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-do, folks! Welcome to my shelter!

Random person:This place is great! Hey, what do you call those cute little words you use?

Ned Flanders:Oh, those are just my diddly-doodly expressions of Christian fellowship!

Random person:Can we use them too? That's so neat-a-rooney!

Ned Flanders:Well, I... I suppose you could... but please don't overdo the diddly-daddly—

Random person:This food is flavorino! You're such a good-diddly-good person, Neddy!

Ned Flanders:Now look here, that's quite enough of the cutesy-wutesy talk! Those words are mine!

Krusty:Hey, hey! You can't kick me out! I'm a celebrity! I got fans!

Homer:Krusty, there's only five people in this shelter.

Krusty:So? I'm still more important than most of you!

Homer:We gotta kick somebody out. I vote for the Flanders.

Marge:Homer, why would you kick out Ned?

Homer:Because he's left-handed. And left-handed stores are a scam.

Ned Flanders:Well, if it comes to that, Todd, you know what you have to do.

Todd Flanders:Yes, Dad.

Moe:Hey, while we're waitin' for death, you wanna play a game?

Moe:I spy with my little eye... something beginning with 'D'.

Moe:D... for Death!

Moe:Hey, I got an idea. Let's play a game to pass the time.

Homer:What kind of game?

Moe:I Spy.

Lisa:This is all because of that ridiculous guessing game! It's torn this family apart! A silly parlor game has destroyed everything we hold dear!

Homer:Marge, I'm gonna play a little game with you guys.

Marge:What kind of game?

Homer:It's called 'Who Can Keep Quiet the Longest.' Whoever makes a noise loses and I win.

Homer:And if I win, I get to destroy this family.

Homer:I'm outta here, Flanders. I'm going back to my family where I belong.

Ned:Well, bless your heart, Homer. We'll miss you.

Homer:Yeah, well, at least my kids aren't a bunch of goody-two-shoes wimps like yours.

Ned:Homer!

Barney:I'm leaving because I left my car keys in here somewhere and I'm not gonna lose another set to these people.

Moe:You know, we should destroy that observatory so it can never discover another comet again.

Lisa:My environmental activism accidentally saved everyone.

Lisa:Dad, you were right about the comet.

Homer:Woo-hoo! I was right! I was right!

Lisa:We're all going to die.

Homer:D'oh!