Round Springfield

Krusty:Hey, check out my expensive new suit!

Homer:Wow, that's a nice suit!

Krusty:Suit? This is a lawsuit! I'm being sued by seventeen people!

Krusty:I'm friendly with all my employees. Ask anyone here.

Sideshow Mel:He once made me eat a live chicken.

Krusty:This show is brought to you by Percodan. Now, Percodan is a habit-forming drug. Don't use it.

Krusty:Well, we're back, and I'm feeling great! Must be the Percodan.

Bart:Wait, isn't George Washington Carver the guy who like, chopped up George Washington?

Homer:You know, I've learned a lot of wisdom with age.

Homer:For example, if you see a sign that says 'Beware of Dog', it means there's a dog.

Homer:And if it says 'Beware of Bear', there's probably a bear.

Mrs. Krabappel:Well, according to our charter, Bart's death is specifically exempted from liability.

Principal Skinner:What about Milhouse?

Mrs. Krabappel:Oh, he's fair game.

Narrator:And that's how Milhouse was eaten by the school snake.

Milhouse:Hey, there's a whole bunch of money in here!

Groundskeeper Willie:Bonjour, class. Today we're learning French, the language of surrender and baguettes. Now listen here, ye French are a bunch of lazy, beret-wearing cowards who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag if it had a white flag in it. But ye need to learn yer own language, so repeat after me: 'Je suis ridicule.'

Lunchlady Doris:We got Prozac chewables for the kids now. Grape flavor!

Lunchlady Doris:We got Sad Sack the Depressed Donkey, Suicidal Sam the Seahorse, and Prozac Pete the Pelican.

Lunchlady Doris:Kids love 'em. They're collectible!

Principal Skinner:Look! A snake!

Milhouse:Where?!

Milhouse:Ahhhhh!

Principal Skinner:Now, now, there's a perfectly logical explanation for why this student is on the floor.

Principal Skinner:He's simply taking a well-deserved rest after—Oh my God, a snake!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'm afraid I have some bad news. You have a serious condition affecting your... uh... (gestures vaguely) ...one of the organs in there somewhere.

Patient:Doctor, which organ exactly?

Dr. Hibbert:That's just it — I haven't the faintest idea where they actually are. I just tell people what they want to hear and charge them $200.

Homer:I want a hot dog.

Hot dog vendor:Hot dog! Get your hot dog here!

Homer:Why is there a button labeled 'DO NOT PRESS'? That's like, asking for it.

Homer:Zzzzz... wait, why do I suddenly feel so... so sleepy... and floaty... Mmm, floaty donuts...

Homer:Did I just... did I just knock myself out? That's actually... pretty smart... no more... problems... zzzzz...

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I've found the cause of your son's appendicitis.

Homer:What is it, Doc?

Dr. Hibbert:A toy prize from a box of Krusty-O's cereal. It appears to be a small propeller.

Marge:A propeller? In a cereal box?

Dr. Hibbert:I'm afraid so. And it was still spinning when we removed it.

Lisa:Dr. Hibbert, can I get surgery like Bart?

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I suppose we could operate. Nothing serious, just something to keep you in the hospital for a few weeks. How about we remove your appendix? Everyone's got two of those anyway.

Lisa:But I only have one appendix.

Dr. Hibbert:Eh, you won't miss it. Besides, the hospital cafeteria has a surprisingly good meatloaf on Tuesdays.

Lisa:Why do they call you Bleeding Gums Murphy?

Bleeding Gums Murphy:Well, it all started when I was a young man. I never had the money for a dentist, so my gums started bleeding, and they never stopped.

Dr. Cheeks:I'm afraid I'm a bit behind on my rounds.

Bleeding Gums Murphy:My brother, he laughed at the wrong time.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, you know, my brother's a jazz musician. Ha ha!

Blind Willy Witherspoon:Well, I'm givin' away my saxophone to one of you young folks.

Student:Wow, really? Thank you!

Blind Willy Witherspoon:Yep, I've been playin' this thing for decades while crowds gathered 'round watchin' me play.

Blind Willy Witherspoon:But I gotta tell ya... it ain't been no saxophone.

Blind Willy Witherspoon:It's been an umbrella.

Announcer:"Steve Allen: The Man Who Smiled Too Much."

Announcer:"America's Wackiest Wino."

Announcer:"Snoring: I Do It."

Announcer:"The Big Book of Marginal Talent."

Announcer:"They Kept Laughing, But Why?"

Bleeding Gums Murphy:My new album is called 'Sax on the Beach.'

Bleeding Gums Murphy:Man, I got a $1500 a day habit.

Shopkeeper:Drugs?

Bleeding Gums Murphy:Worse. Collectible eggs.

Bill Cosby:Well children, let me tell you about my grandfather, a great jazz musician.

Cosby Kids:But Mr. Cosby, all of our grandfathers are already jazz musicians.

Bill Cosby:Kids today don't appreciate jazz. They listen to that hip-hop with all those ridiculous made-up words like 'fo' shizzle' and 'bling-bling' and 'da bomb.'

Krusty:Your Honor, I move to dismiss this case. My lawyers have evidence that all the victims were already dead before they entered Krusty Land.

Judge:That's preposterous! How could they possibly be dead?

Krusty:They were from out of state.

Krusty:See? I'm eating this cereal and I'm fine. Completely safe!

Aide:Mr. Krusty, that's the metal cereal. The regular cereal is even more dangerous.

Lisa:I want to emulate Bleeding Gums Murphy.

Marge:But Lisa, he has terrible dental hygiene.

Lisa:I know, but it's for musical reasons.

Moe:What are you doing with that A.A. chip, Barney?

Barney:Trading it in. Five minutes of sobriety ain't worth much.

Moe:What'll you take for it?

Barney:Cheap beer.

Principal Skinner:And here we have Ralph Wiggum on the flute.

Ralph:I'm playing it with my nose!

Principal Skinner:Yes, well, that's... not quite the traditional method.

Principal Skinner:And now, our school band will play 'Stars and Stripes Forever'.

Ralph Wiggum:My dad says the only forever thing is debt.

Ralph Wiggum:My band-aid has a band-aid.

Bart Simpson:That was the worst concert I've ever heard.

Homer Simpson:Yeah, and I've heard plenty of bad music. I AM bad music.

Homer:Hey, don't worry, sweetheart. When a pet dies, you just get a new one.

Lisa:But Dad, we're talking about a musician, not a pet.

Homer:Yeah, and...?

Bart:Don't worry, Lisa. When you die, you'll be reincarnated as something better.

Lisa:Really? Like what?

Bart:A butterfly. They're beautiful, free, and nobody suspects them of crimes.

Police Chief Wiggum:Ralph, you're under arrest.

Ralph:But I didn't do it! It was a butterfly! A big orange and black butterfly!

Police Chief Wiggum:Son, that's the worst alibi I've ever heard.

Ralph:I know! It was so pretty though.

Grampa Simpson:I see the grim reaper! He's coming for me!

Lisa:Grampa, that's just Dad in a black robe.

Grampa Simpson:Death has taken the form of a balding man!

Lisa:Grampa, look — it's Santa's Little Helper.

Grampa Simpson:The hound of hell itself! I'm doomed!

Lisa:That's our dog.

Grampa Simpson:And there — the angel of death in a yellow dress!

Lisa:Grampa, I'm your granddaughter.

Grampa Simpson:Why does the reaper keep visiting? I'm not ready!

Grampa Simpson:What's this? A tattoo of some obscure 70s band? That's the worst idea I've ever heard. Back in my day, we didn't need no fancy tattoos to look cool. We just had our natural charm and good looks.

Grampa Simpson:Wait a minute... I recognize that logo. That's... that's the Grim Reaper! Oh geez, not again!

Reverend Lovejoy:Lisa Simpson, wonderful to see you. I hear you play the oboe.

Lisa:Actually, it's the saxophone.

Reverend Lovejoy:Yes, yes, the oboe. Lovely instrument.

Marge:Why does that hot dog vendor keep following us everywhere?

Hot Dog Vendor:Following? Lady, I'm not following your husband. He's my best customer! I just go where the money is.

Lawyer:I'm qualified because I can pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Bart:Well, I've lost everything, but you know what? I'm still smiling!

Casino worker:Kid, you just lost a million dollars.

Bart:Yeah, but at least I got to experience the thrill of gambling. That's worth something, right?

Homer:Jazz is just easy improvisation. Anyone can do it.

Lisa:Dad, that's not true. Jazz requires real skill and training.

Homer:Oh please, Lisa. Watch this. Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo, skee-bop-a-dop-a-dop...

Lisa:Dad, that's just 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star' with different syllables.

DJ:Yeah, we're a low-power station with a pretty tiny broadcast range.

DJ:But that makes us the most powerful jazz station in the nation!

Hans Moleman:Good morning, I'm your host Hans Moleman. Welcome to 'Pain and Suffering,' the show where we explore the deepest agonies of the human experience. Stick around!

Bart:I've got $500 to spend. What's the coolest thing you've got?

Comic Book Guy:Ah, a customer with disposable income. Behold! A mint-condition Radioactive Man #1 from 1991. Only $499.

Bart:What about that?

Comic Book Guy:That? That's a Beanie Baby. It's worth at least $5,000. I'll let it go for $500.

Bart:Wouldn't that be a rip-off?

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Negotiations. Ever.

Bleeding Gums Murphy:Lisa, it's me, Bleeding Gums Murphy. I've come back from heaven to—

Mufasa:Remember who you are.

Darth Vader:I am your father.

CNN Announcer:We'll be right back.

Other ghosts:Sorry, sorry, we didn't realize...

Other ghosts:We'll keep it down.

Bleeding Gums Murphy:Thank you.

Lisa:But we were just getting started! Can't you stay a little longer?

Bleeding Gums Murphy:I wish I could, child, but I've got a whole bunch of ghosts waiting for me at the Supernatural Musicians' Union hall. We're having a potluck.