The Trouble With Trillions

Homer:D'oh!

Homer Simpson:We're stuck on eight? Eight?! I've lost years before, but never like this!

Lenny Leonard:Homer, you can't lose a year. It's not a set of keys.

Homer Simpson:Well, somebody better find it before my boss asks where 2024 went. I'm gonna lose my job!

Ned Flanders:Well, it's literally January 1st, the first possible day of the tax year. I've already organized all my receipts by category and subcategory. Got my W-2s color-coded, my deductions alphabetized, and I've pre-filled out my 1040 form in triplicate. Feels good to be ahead of the game, yes-siree-bob!

Ned Flanders:Well, I could deduct this office supplies expense, but I do enjoy a nice mechanical pencil. So I suppose I'll just have to pay the full amount in taxes.

Ned Flanders:Now children, taxes pay for many important services. Roads, schools, firefighters, and yes, even welfare for those less fortunate than ourselves.

Ned Flanders:And while some folks might take advantage of the system, we must remember to bless them and pray for their salvation, diddly-diddly-do.

Ned Flanders:Ten minutes late is catastrophically irresponsible by Ned's standards

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'm just here mailing out death certificates from all the holiday deaths. Nothing says 'festive season' like a little mortality!

Principal Skinner:You look lovely today, Edna.

Edna Krabappel:Well, that's sweet of you to say, Seymour. But I'm afraid I can't return the sentiment unless you're willing to change your tax filing status to married.

Sea Captain:Even a pirate has to deal with modern tax bureaucracy

Professor Frink:Good heavens! According to my calculations, you've made a decimal point error of 0.003 percent on line 47-B! Gosh!

Professor Frink:This microscopic mistake will cause a cascading quantum collapse in the global financial system!

Professor Frink:By my projections, within 72 hours, the stock market will implode, governments will fall, and the very fabric of civilization will unravel into chaos and darkness!

Professor Frink:All because of a tiny little decimal point. Egads!

Reporter:Why did you wait until the last minute to file your taxes?

Random citizen:Taxes? I thought this was the line for the new iPhone.

Random Citizen:I'm an idiot.

Kent Brockman:I'm always prepared. In fact, I have an accountant on speed dial.

Kent Brockman:Say, what's two plus two?

Accountant:Four.

Kent Brockman:See? Prepared!

Homer:Look at all those morons rushing to file their taxes.

Marge:Homer, you haven't filed yours yet.

Homer:That's because I'm not a moron. I already paid taxes last year.

Lisa:Dad, I need to tell you something important.

Homer:What is it, sweetie? Did that scary book give you nightmares again?

Lisa:No, Dad, it's not about—

Homer:Don't worry, there's no such thing as the Big Bad Wolf. Well, except in the woods. And the zoo. And that one time at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Lisa:Dad, taxes are annual. You have to pay them every year.

Homer:Look, taxes are very complicated. There's the federal tax, the state tax, the local tax... it's all very confusing.

Homer:So I just picked a number, sent it in, and hoped for the best. D'oh!

Homer:A to-do pile? I have a to-do pile?

Marge:Yes, Homer. The pile on the left side of your desk.

Homer:That's not a to-do pile, Marge. That's a 'to-don't' pile.

Homer:Let's see... how many kids do I have? One, two, three... I'm gonna say four!

Marge:Homer, we have three children.

Homer:Well, the government doesn't know that!

Marge:Homer, you can't just write 'oops' on your tax return.

Homer:Why not? It's honest! And I've got a legal theory that says the IRS has to accept it because the word 'taxes' has the word 'ax' in it, and axes are tools, and tools are made in factories, and factories are run by the government, so technically the government owes me money!

Marge:That makes no sense whatsoever.

Homer:Exactly! That's why they can't argue with it!

Homer:Let's see... I can deduct this as a business gift.

Homer:Lisa painted this beautiful landscape, and I'm giving it to my boss Mr. Burns.

Homer:Now, what message should I write on the back?

Homer:How about... 'To Mr. Burns, may your heart be as dark as this painting is ugly'?

Homer:Okay Marge, here's what we'll do. You claim Bart as a dependent farm animal.

Marge:Homer, that's ridiculous!

Homer:Lisa can be a home office. And Maggie—we'll write her off as a charitable donation.

Marge:We can't do that!

Homer:I'll list myself as a small business—Homers R Us. And you, Marge, you're a moving expense.

Homer:Son, I'm claiming you as a wounded Vietnam veteran on our taxes.

Bart:Whoa, cool! I'm a Vietnam vet? That's awesome!

Homer:Well, not really. I just need the deduction.

Bart:Aw man, you got my hopes up.

Homer:Lisa had such a gift for painting. It's a shame she gave it up.

Homer:I'm on my way to the post office and I'm obeying all traffic laws... in my mind!

Homer:So if I had three wishes, I'd wish for a million bucks, a genie girlfriend, and for all the people I hate to die in their sleep.

Lenny:You're sick, man.

Homer:What? I'm not killing anybody. I'm just wishing it.

Lenny:I wish for someone to do my laundry!

Moe:So I get three wishes, right? First thing I'm wishin' for is a night with three beautiful women.

Lenny:I wish I had a sandwich.

Moe:A sandwich? That's it? You know what, forget my wishes. I want a sandwich too.

Agent Johnson:Homer Simpson?

Homer:Oh God, what did I do? Barkeep! Barkeep! Call the police!

Homer:I'm invoking the principle of chronological tax avoidance and filing under subsection... uh... purple.

Homer:Plus, I have a receipt from the Department of Monetary Forgiveness. See? It's right here in crayon.

Agent Johnson:We can process nine returns per day with this system.

Homer:Nine?! That's... that's amazing!

Agent Johnson:Well, it's government efficiency.

Homer:I didn't do it!

Homer:Nobody saw me do it!

Homer:You can't prove anything!

Homer:Please, Your Honor, I don't want to go to prison! I've seen what happens there. The hazing, the terrible things... They make you fight the biggest guy, they steal your lunch money, and worst of all, they make you shower with everybody watching!

Judge:That's... not quite how it works, Mr. Simpson.

Homer:And don't even get me started on what they do with the soap in the shower!

Agent Johnson:You have two choices: prison, or you can work for us.

Homer:Oh, work for you? That sounds great!

Agent Johnson:No, no. Prison means prison.

Homer:So I work for the government now?

Government Official:That's correct, Mr. Simpson. You'll be starting immediately.

Homer:Great! So what's my under-the-table cash payment gonna be?

Government Official:Under-the-table? This is a government job!

Homer:I know, I know. But I've still got those back taxes...

Marge:Do you have to spy on people?

Homer:I'm not a spy, Marge. I'm a peeping tom.

Marge:I can't believe the government is using you!

Homer:Using me? Marge, the government is a lot of things, but it's not like they're just using one guy. It includes the president!

Marge:Homer, you're a tool of oppression!

Homer:A tool? Where?

Homer:Guys, I'm just gonna put this walkie-talkie in my shirt pocket... completely inconspicuously.

Lenny:Homer, we can see the antenna sticking out of your mouth.

Homer:No you can't.

Homer:Is this thing on? Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I'm wearing a wire.

Homer:Give me some examples of illegal activities.

Lenny:Well, there's armed robbery, grand theft auto, operating a nuclear power plant without a license...

Homer:No, no, no. I mean other people's crimes!

Lenny:Hey Homer, like that time Barney committed that assault?

Homer:That was me! And if you don't shut up, I'll do it again!

Moe:Yeah, we got this whole militia thing planned out. We're gonna strike at the government, show 'em what's what.

Homer:Wow, Moe, that's pretty serious. What's the motivation?

Moe:They keep delaying the release of the new iPhone!

Homer:Well, I guess that's all for now. Over and out.

Agent Johnson:Simpson, your undercover work has been exemplary. You've successfully infiltrated the criminal underworld and earned their trust.

Agent Johnson:That kind of betrayal of your friends and loved ones—that's a rare talent. We'd like to offer you a permanent position in the bureau.

Homer:Wait, wait, wait. Why are you giving this to me? Marge is the organized one. She's always doing stuff. I just sit around.

Homer:Yeah, ask Marge. She loves this kind of thing.

Homer:I'm not hiding from the FBI! I'm just allergic to buildings!

Homer:Losers!

Narrator:And so, America sends aid to help our European allies overcome the crushing weight of poverty and war.

Narrator:Of course, these pathetic, ungrateful nations will never appreciate the sacrifices we make for them.

Narrator:And so, President Truman made a solemn promise to help rebuild Europe after the war. A promise he would keep... even though he made it while absolutely three sheets to the wind at a diplomatic cocktail party.

Homer:Mamma mia!

European Official 1:The money never arrived?

European Official 2:How absolutely dreadful. Well, I suppose there's nothing to be done about it now.

European Official 1:Quite right. We shall simply have to maintain our air of superiority and continue looking down our noses at Americans.

European Official 2:A most satisfactory resolution. One doesn't need justice when one has smugness.

Agent Johnson:We used massive surveillance technology, satellite imaging, and wiretaps to determine that Mr. Burns is... evil.

Homer:Mr. Burns, I'd do anything for you! I'm completely loyal!

Mr. Burns:Is that so, Simpson? Even after you've caused multiple nuclear disasters at the plant?

Homer:Well, yeah! You haven't fired me yet, have you?

Mr. Burns:Actually, I have. Fourteen times. You kept showing up the next day.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, this roasted duck is as dry as the Sahara. And these potatoes are lumpy — much like your mother's complexion, I'm told.

Smithers:Sir, I... I spent all night preparing this meal.

Mr. Burns:Well, you wasted your time. Now get out of my sight. Go home to that empty apartment of yours and contemplate your failures.

Homer:I'm in. Code name: Spy Guy. The eagle has landed.

Homer:Wait, why am I announcing this out loud?

Mr. Burns:I'm surprised you made it past my security, Homer.

Mr. Burns:I had the dogs set to 'attack' this morning.

Homer:Come on, Mr. Burns. Don't you have any warmth inside you?

Mr. Burns:Warmth? Ha! The only thing warm inside me is my hatred for the working class.

Homer:Here, trillion-dollar bill! Here, boy! Come on, sweetie! Mommy's got a shiny new wallet for you!

Mr. Burns:Homer! What are you doing in my house?

Homer:I was just... looking around, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns:Looking around? You must be from that old Confidential magazine! Or perhaps you're writing for one of those outdated gossip columns. Well, I have news for you — those publications folded decades ago, just like your credibility!

Mr. Burns:And here is my prized collection of paintings by obscure 1940s actresses. Ah, Veronica Lake - still a vision of loveliness, wouldn't you say?

Homer:Uh, sir, I think she's been dead for like thirty years.

Mr. Burns:Nonsense! She's probably just resting. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner reservation with Joan Crawford at eight.

Mr. Burns:And here we have the burial outfit of Elvis Presley. I acquired it for a steal—literally stole it from Graceland.

Mr. Burns:My ancestor, Cornelius Burns, was a key participant in the Boston Tea Party. He didn't care about taxation without representation—he just wanted to prevent the tea from poisoning the fish.

Mr. Burns:This portrait commemorates the day I liberated a trillion dollars from the Federal Reserve.

Mr. Burns:Some call it theft. I call it patriotic wealth redistribution... to myself.

Mr. Burns:You call those expenditures wasteful? Why, I've seen the government throw away millions on tomb maintenance alone!

Mr. Burns:Homer, I have an offer for you. Work for me, and I'll pay you triple what the government pays.

Homer:Wow, triple? I'm in! Where do I sign?

Homer:We must fight against government oppression! Stand up for your rights! Question authority!

Homer:Wait... I'm not actually a reporter.

Homer:Never mind.

Homer:Mr. Burns, I know the perfect place to hide. It's got everything we need.

Mr. Burns:And what would that be, Simpson?

Homer:Beer.

Police Radio:We're looking for a maroon sedan.

Smithers:Actually, it's burgundy.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, we must escape this country at once. I propose we flee to a remote island and establish our own sovereign nation.

Homer:But Mr. Burns, what about our families? What about our homes?

Mr. Burns:Bah! Sentimental drivel. I've already purchased three Caribbean islands and hired a team of mercenaries to enforce my rule. We'll call it 'Burnsia.' I'll be Supreme Leader, naturally. You can be Minister of Donuts.

Homer:Minister of Donuts? When do I start?

Homer:Mr. Burns, I'm worried about leaving my family.

Mr. Burns:Don't be ridiculous, Simpson. Family is just cargo that can be mailed.

Marge:Where do you think your father would go if he had a trillion dollars?

Bart:Spend it all on himself, man. He'd probably buy like a billion donuts or something.

Lisa:He'd waste it on beer and lottery tickets.

Bart:Yeah, and then he'd come crawling back to me asking for money. Not happening, dude. When I'm rich, I'm not sharing with nobody.

Marge:We need to start saving money for college.

Bart:College? Ay caramba! I'd rather have a sweet RV, man.

FBI Agent:Stop right there! You're under arrest for crossing the border illegally.

Criminal:You can't touch us now—we're in Mexico!

FBI Agent:That's right. And if you think that's bad, wait until you see what happens when you try to come back—I won't be able to pursue justice!

Homer:Wait, the FBI warning says I can't copy this tape... but it doesn't say I can't gamble!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Legal gambling!

FBI Agent:They'll be back.

FBI Agent:Not because of freedom — because the ratings on their escape were too good.

Homer:An island! With freedom! Finally, a place where I can be myself!

Smithers:Actually, sir, that's Cuba.

Homer:Cuba? But you said freedom!

Smithers:Yes, well, they call it that.

Mr. Burns:I apologize for that rather bumpy landing. The fog was simply ghastly.

Mr. Burns:Though, to be honest, I can't see more than three feet in front of my face on a clear day.

Homer Simpson:Shredded pork everywhere!

Cuban official:Actually, it's donkey meat.

Fidel Castro:My people, we face an economic crisis. But do not despair—communism was never expected to work anyway.

Castro:I have defended Americans despite many assassination attempts. Your country owes me a debt.

Homer:Well, we're very grateful. Tell you what, we'll name a street after you.

Castro:Really? A street named after me?

Homer:Yeah, it's in San Francisco. Castro Street.

Castro:Ah, excellent! I will visit this street named in my honor.

Marge:Uh, maybe you should just send a postcard.

Castro:A trillion-dollar bill? Ay caramba!

Bart:Ay caramba!

Castro:May I examine the bill?

Homer:Sure.

Castro:This is a remarkable document. Tell me, do you know what this bill is worth?

Homer:A trillion dollars?

Castro:Exactly. And do you know what that means? It means you must be very careful about who touches it. Only appropriate people should handle such a valuable item. You must teach your children this lesson.

Homer:Okay.

Homer:You know, we may not have everything in America, but at least we don't have to worry about Castro showing up at our door demanding we fix his toilet.

Mr. Burns:You know, I've been thinking about what makes America great. It's freedom. The freedom to pursue your dreams, the freedom to speak your mind, the freedom to oppress and sexually harass anyone you please.

Mr. Burns:I'm a patriot! I love this country. Why, I'd die for it... well, not die exactly, but I'd definitely be willing to commit treason against it.

Mr. Burns:I move that we adjourn this proceeding and instead settle this matter with a duel. Pistols at dawn!

Judge:Mr. Burns, you can't challenge the entire judicial system to a duel.

Mr. Burns:Oh, very well. Then I'll simply bribe each juror individually. And God bless America.