Simpson Tide

Judge:You stand accused of the crime of eating sentient doughnuts. How do you plead?

Homer:Not guilty! Your Honor, I didn't know they were sentient. I thought they were just really good at screaming.

Doughnut Defense Attorney:Mr. Simpson, you need to stop eating and pay attention to your case!

Homer:But these donuts are so good... nom nom nom...

Doughnut Defense Attorney:Wait, why are you eating me?!

Homer:Mmm... lawyer...

Homer:Okay guys, we've got one doughnut and five people. Here's what we do: we each take a bite, then whoever gets the radioactive bite gets the whole thing.

Coworker:Homer, that's insane. How would we even know who got the radioactive bite?

Homer:Well, whoever starts glowing, obviously.

Homer:Mr. Burns, I can explain. I was actually working the whole time. I was just... invisible.

Mr. Burns:Invisible? By Jove, that's genius! Why didn't I think of that?

Smithers:Sir, he was asleep in the storage closet.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, don't be ridiculous. Obviously he was invisible. Give him a raise.

Homer:Mr. Burns, my car broke down. Can I borrow one of your limousines?

Mr. Burns:Absolutely not, Simpson.

Homer:But sir, my family is stranded on the highway!

Mr. Burns:Wait a minute... didn't you use that exact same story last week?

Homer:Uh... no?

Mr. Burns:Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... well, you're not going to fool me twice.

TV Announcer:Coming this summer: 'Blackula,' 'Blackenstein,' and 'Black Snake Moan'... wait, that's a real movie. Uh, 'Shaft in Africa,' 'Coffy,' and... 'Pimpadelic Superfly Mama Jama's Big Booty Bonanza!'

Naval Reserve Narrator:The Navy Reserve: We're not the Navy, but we play one on weekends.

Naval Reserve Narrator:Join the Naval Reserve, where we promise you'll never see combat.

Naval Reserve Narrator:You'll spend most of your time at home, doing absolutely nothing.

Naval Reserve Narrator:And if we do call you in, we probably won't know what we're doing anyway.

Navy Recruiter:So, are you gay?

Homer:No.

Navy Recruiter:Welcome to the Navy!

Homer:Modern warfare is all about remote control. You sit in a nice comfortable chair, push a button, and boom — your enemy is destroyed.

Marge:Homer, what are you talking about?

Homer:The Clapper, Marge. Clap on, clap off. The Clapper.

Homer:Clap on! Clap off! Clap on! Clap off!

Marge:Homer, we need to talk about your gambling debts—

Homer:Clap on! Clap off! Clap on! Clap off!

Marge:Homer, please, this is serious—

Homer:Clap on! Clap off! Clap on! Clap off!

Homer:Welcome to the Naval Reserve, men. I know this seems like a big step, but you're going to love it here.

Lenny:This is great, Homer! We're gonna be sailors!

Carl:Yeah, man. Living the dream.

Homer:Just wait until you see the training videos. One of them is a real classic.

Barney:What kind of classic?

Homer:It's called 'Apocalypse Now.'

Apu:No! No! The horror! The horror!

Apu:Why must you remind me of my troubled past?

Homer:I'll bring back some cool military souvenirs from the base!

Marge:Homer, that's stealing government property.

Homer:Oh, come on, Marge. What's the worst that could happen? I'll just grab a few medals, maybe a helmet...

Bart:Dad, you're gonna get in trouble.

Homer:Trouble? I'll bring back a tank! No wait, a missile! A nuclear warhead! Weapons of mass destruction! I'll be the coolest dad in Springfield!

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? Oh, but I'll be home by 5:30 for dinner.

Drill Sergeant:Your mothers aren't here to help you!

Barney:Mine is.

Barney's Mom:That's right, pumpkin!

Otto:No way, man! I'm not getting a military haircut! My hair is like, totally part of my identity, dude.

Barber:It'll just take a few minutes.

Otto:I said no! You can't—

Otto:Whoa! Dude, that's awesome! I look so cool! Best haircut ever!

Drill Sergeant:Listen up, Simpson! I'm gonna break you down!

Homer:Oh boy, oh boy! When do we start? I'm so excited!

Drill Sergeant:Wipe that smile off your face, maggot!

Homer:You're a great motivator, Sarge. Has anyone ever told you that?

Drill Sergeant:I... what? No one's ever... just get out of my sight!

Homer:I'm a comedian! I do impressions. I do a great impression of Cary Grant.

Homer:*clears throat* Judy, Judy, Judy... *voice cracks* ...I'm thirsty.

Naval Instructor:Homer, you've successfully tied a knot!

Homer:But I tied the ship to the dock instead of the rope to the ship.

French Officer:Ah, ze French navy, ze most sophisticated in ze world!

German Officer:Bah! Ze German navy is superior!

French Officer:Your ships sink faster zan a baguette in water!

German Officer:At least we don't surrender at ze first sign of trouble!

French Officer:Zat is because you never see trouble coming, you fool!

Bart:Why are you wearing an earring? You look like my mom.

Milhouse:Your mom's hot!

Nelson:Ha-ha! That dance is so 1990. It's 1992 now.

Milhouse:I'm part Gypsy, so I can wear an earring.

Principal Skinner:That's not school policy, Van Houten.

Milhouse:*does vampire impression* I vant to suck your blood!

Principal Skinner:Well, that's a legitimate cultural expression. Earring approved.

Sea Captain:I lost me eye in a terrible accident at sea. We were in the midst of a horrible storm, waves crashin' over the deck, lightning strikin' all around us...

Sea Captain:And then a bottle of mai tai came flyin' through the air and hit me right in the face.

Grampa Simpson:I got a secret about JFK that'll blow your mind!

Grampa Simpson:He told me what 'Ich bin ein Berliner' really means.

Grampa Simpson:It's German for 'I am a Nazi!'

Grampa Simpson:JFK was a secret Nazi the whole time!

Gilligan:Why does everyone keep hitting me with their hats?

Others:*laugh at his pain*

Bart:Check out my new earring. I'm a rebel.

Lisa:Bart, you bought that earring at the mall. The same mall where everyone else buys their earrings.

Lisa:You're not rebelling against society — you're shopping at it.

Homer:If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it?

Bart:If they were all jumping off a cliff, I'd have to be there.

Ralph:My ears hurt!

Ralph:It's like there's little ouchies in my ear holes.

Officer:nuclear

Homer:It's pronounced 'nucular'

Captain Tennille:I'm a man of few words.

Homer:Is that why you never talk to me?

Captain Tennille:Yes.

Homer:Well, could you talk to me more often?

Captain Tennille:No.

Homer:Oh. Well, do you think I could get a promotion?

Captain Tennille:Yes.

Captain:Now, lads, I'll teach you a traditional naval song that's been passed down for generations!

Captain:🎵 Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed... 🎵

Crew:That's not a naval song!

Captain:Well, it was on a boat once.

Captain:What do you want from life?

Homer:You know, the finer things. A nice house, good food, beautiful vegetables.

Captain:Ah yes, vegetables. The ultimate symbol of man's struggle between the desire for peace and the inevitability of war.

Homer:Uh, sure.

Captain McCallister:You know, you remind me of my own boy. I love you, son.

Homer:Well, I love you too, Captain. Say, you wouldn't happen to have any beer on you, would ya?

Barney:The key to waking someone up is a firm hand and a loud voice. You gotta be authoritative.

Barney's son:Five more minutes, Dad! I don't wanna go to school!

Officer:We've got an obstruction in the torpedo tube!

Homer:Have you tried treating it like an animal? Just make some noise and see if it comes out.

Homer:Captain, what should I do?

Captain:Whatever you do, don't press that button.

Homer:Good advice. I'll press it.

Sailor:Sir, that's the nuclear launch sequence!

Homer:Too late!

Homer:Fire!

Homer:Not me, you idiot! Fire the weapon!

Homer:Wait, I'm the supervisor now? But I didn't even apply!

Lenny:Yeah, Homer. Everyone else got fired.

Homer:Woo-hoo! I'm a supervisor!

Moe:Well, the jukebox works, the neon sign works, the toilet's still broken...

Homer:Schwimmer!

Moe:What?

Homer:David Schwimmer. He's still working.

Homer:Set a course for the stars, Moe. Full impulse power!

Moe:Aye aye, Captain. I'm locking in coordinates to the Neutral Zone. Shields up, raise the warp core temperature...

Moe:Wait, what am I saying? You want another beer?

Grampa:My son may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!

Homer:Wait, you're telling me the Soviet Union never actually collapsed?

Russian:Is all elaborate hoax, comrade. We fake dissolution to make you Americans lower guard.

Homer:D'oh! I knew it! I KNEW IT! This whole time I thought we won!

Russian:You think Cold War is over? Cold War never over. Is still very cold.

Principal Skinner:In the event of a nuclear war, we will save only the most valuable members of society: the talented, the beautiful, the rich...

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Principal Skinner:Nelson, I'm afraid you won't be on the list.

Nelson:Ha-ha, Rod and Todd are going to die!

Sailor:We've got a hull breach! Water's pouring in at 200 gallons per minute!

Homer:Water? What is it?

Sailor:It's a clear liquid, makes up 71% of Earth's surface...

Homer:Never heard of it.

Moe:In a crisis moment, a man thinks of his loved ones. Well, I got my bar stool.

Homer:That's what she said! I mean... the boat. The boat, Bart.

Homer:Well, you see, I was just doing my job. I didn't think anyone would find out.

Military Officer:That's the same excuse you gave when you were fired from the nuclear plant!

Homer:Yeah, well, it worked then!

Homer:I was just trying to... wait, what was I doing again?

Lenny:You sank a submarine, Homer!

Homer:Oh yeah, that's right. But I was late for work at the nuclear plant!

Naval Officer:I'm going to have to punish you for your insubordination, Simpson.

Naval Officer:However, I've recently been accused of some... indiscretions myself, so I'm in no position to judge. You're free to go.

Homer:Dishonorable discharge? Wait a minute... dis-honorable. That's a compliment! I'm dis-honorable, which means I'm very honorable!

Marge:Homer, that's not how words work.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, I'm also un-intelligent, non-handsome, and in-continent!

Bart:Dad, can I get a tattoo?

Homer:Absolutely not, Bart. You're way too young.

Bart:But Dad, I want one that says 'Mom'.

Homer:Well, that's actually not a bad idea. It shows respect. But what if you meet another woman? You'll have to get 'Mom' tattooed on your other arm, then your chest, then your butt...

Homer:Wait a minute. I could use you as a filing system!

Bart:Dad, can I have a BB gun?

Homer:No.

Bart:Can I go bungee jumping?

Homer:No.

Bart:Can I join the Navy SEALS?

Homer:No.

Bart:Can I play with dynamite?

Homer:Ask your mother.