Lisas Sax

Homer:D'oh!

Announcer:The following program contains scenes of animated violence, language, and adult situations.

Announcer:Viewer discretion is advised.

Homer:I'm gonna check out that new TV network.

Marge:Which one, Homer?

Homer:The WB.

Marge:Homer, the WB went off the air years ago.

Homer:Well, that explains why nobody was there.

Krusty:I spent forty years in show business, drugs, booze, the whole nine yards. And what do I have to show for it?

Krusty:Nothing! Well, except for three Emmys, a Golden Globe, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Krusty:Hey kid, I gotta tell ya something about life. Sometimes a man and a woman, they just can't make it work together, ya know? So they get a divorce.

Child:Mr. Krusty, I think you have me confused with your son.

Krusty:Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, just pass it along to my boy when you see him, will ya?

Bart:Man, and I thought my dad was a bad parent.

Homer:I'll practice you!

Lisa:Dad, that doesn't make any sense. You can't practice a person. Practice is the repetition of an activity to improve skill. I am not an activity.

Bart:Lisa, you fool! I have 2 years of experience on you. I've seen things you couldn't possibly imagine. I was there when they invented Pop-Tarts. I watched the Berlin Wall fall. I've been to Krusty Burger at least... *counts on fingers* ...hundreds of times.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Homer:There, there, sweetie. Your sax is broken? Don't worry, I'll fix it.

Lisa:Really, Dad?

Homer:Sure! I'll just take it apart and— oh no, I broke it worse.

Homer:No problem! I'll buy you a new one. Marge, where's my wallet?

Marge:Homer, no!

Homer:Don't worry, I'll just destroy your things to make room for the new sax. Goodbye, TV!

Bart:Dad, what are you doing?!

Homer:Making space! Goodbye, couch! Goodbye, refrigerator! Goodbye, house!

Lisa:Dad, stop!

Homer:Back in 1993, Prince changed his name to that unpronounceable symbol.

Homer:I tried to call him, but the phone kept disconnecting. I guess you could say we had symbol problems.

Homer:We're just crudely drawn filler material.

Marge:Yeah, they'll never make a series out of us.

Grandpa Simpson:Son, if the kids pick on you, just pick on them back, but meaner. And if a teacher asks you a question you don't know, just say 'I dunno' real loud so everyone thinks you're retarded.

Homer:Dad's advice was terrible. He told me, 'Son, if something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.' So I just stick with what's easy and stupid.

Principal Skinner:Hello children, I'm Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner:I mean, Principal Sinner.

Kids:Ha ha!

Principal Skinner:Oh, forget it.

Skinner:Oh, for the love of... Well, that's it. I'm finished. My career is over. I might as well just walk into the sea right now.

Skinner:And this is Jimbo Jones, our Director of Bullying.

Jimbo:Thanks, Principal Skinner.

Teacher:That's it. Your future is ruined.

Student:But I only played one wrong note!

Teacher:One wrong note is all it takes.

Groundskeeper Willie:Can ye understand English, ye wee bampot?! I'm speakin' plain as day in the Queen's own language!

Bart:Uh, sorry Willie, I have no idea what you just said.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Don't worry, I know how to handle babies. I've got this.

Homer:Here you go, sweetie. A nice cold Duff will put you right to sleep.

Homer:Well, a little beer never hurt anybody. I gave Bart some when he was a baby and look how he turned out!

Homer:My dad gave me beer when I was a kid. One time I got so drunk, I drove the wagon right into a tree.

Homer:But I turned out fine!

Homer:And that's the story of how our family swore off drinking forever.

Marge:We never touched a drop again.

Bart:Not once.

Lisa:It changed our lives.

Homer:Yep, best decision we ever made. Now let's celebrate with a beer!

Lisa:Everything always becomes about you, Bart!

Bart:Ay caramba, what can I say? I'm a star.

Teacher:Bart, you're having trouble with the alphabet. At this rate, you'll never graduate.

Bart:So what? I'll just become a rock star or something.

Teacher:Yes, well, you can't even spell 'rock star.'

Teacher:Bart, would you like to color?

Bart:I already did.

Homer:This is brilliant! I have no idea what's going on.

Marge:Homer, look at Bart's drawing.

Homer:AHHHHHHH! Why would he draw that?! This is the most horrifying thing I've ever seen! I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks!

Homer:No way, Dad. You throw like a girl.

Grandpa:I am a girl.

Homer:Exactly.

Grandpa:Well, I'm going home.

School Psychologist:You see, public school can be very intimidating for a young child. There's the loud noise, the chaos, the aggressive students...

School Psychologist:But the real problem is that your son has an unhealthy relationship with his mother.

School Psychologist:Mr. Simpson, I've reviewed Bart's psychological profile. He's actually quite intelligent.

Homer:What?! That can't be right!

School Psychologist:Oh wait, I was reading your file.

School Psychologist:The goal of public education isn't to fill young minds with knowledge. It's to socialize children into the middle class.

Marge:Is there anything that can be done for Bart?

School Psychologist:Well, I'm afraid Bart is what we call a problem child. He's lazy, inattentive, and has no respect for authority. In short, he's the perfect student.

School Psychologist:No, I'm just kidding. He's a bad seed.

Announcer:And the Nobel Prize for Procrastination goes to... Lisa Simpson!

Preschool Administrator:Our preschool has an outstanding achievement record. Why, just last week, one of our students learned to use the toilet!

Preschool Administrator:And another one figured out how to tie his shoes. We're very proud of these accomplishments.

Homer:Six thousand dollars? I'll give you twenty bucks.

Homer:Wait, wait... I'll go up to thirty.

Homer:Looking for minority scholarships

Homer:I'm a troubled youth from the inner city.

Homer:Howdy, I'm an inner city single mother.

Homer:Me love you long time. I come from the Orient.

Homer:Oy vey, I'm a Jewish man with a funny accent.

Marge:I've spent years cleaning up after all of you, sacrificing my own dreams, my own life!

Marge:Sometimes I wonder if anyone even appreciates what I do around here!

Homer:Of course we do, Marge.

Marge:Do you? Do you really?

Marge:I just... I can't... I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.

Marge:Now, who wants meatloaf for dinner?

Grandpa Simpson:I'll tell ya, back in my day, we didn't have none of these fancy smartphones. We had to use two tin cans connected by string, and half the time the string was eaten by raccoons.

Grandpa Simpson:And President Teddy Roosevelt, he'd come over to our house for dinner every Sunday. He'd bring his pet dinosaur and we'd roast it over the fire pit.

Grandpa Simpson:Life was simpler then. Sure, we had to walk uphill both ways to school, but at least we didn't have to worry about aliens invading like they did in 1887.

Kent Brockman:It's so hot, it's like the Earth is being formed all over again.

Marge:Homer, we should take the children to the museum this weekend.

Homer:The museum? Marge, that's for nerds and people who read.

Lisa:But Dad, they have an exhibit on ancient civilizations and—

Homer:No way. I'm not wasting a Saturday looking at old rocks.

Bart:They have a gift shop, Dad.

Homer:A gift shop? With merchandise? Why didn't you say so? I'll drive!

Homer:I'm playing foosball against the statue of David!

Statue of David:You're going down, Simpson!

Homer:Bring it on, marble boy!

Marge:Balzac is a very successful person without air conditioning.

Homer:Balzac?! Marge, you can't say that!

Ned Flanders:Homer, I noticed my lawnmower is missing. Did you take it?

Homer Simpson:Suspicious Aloysius? I don't know what you're talking about!

Ned Flanders:That's not even rhyming slang, Homer.

Homer:Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Marge:Homer, that's not what that means.

Homer:Well, nobody's throwing stones, so I'm in the clear!

Teacher:You see, class, the ugly duckling was mocked and rejected, but he never gave up. He persevered and became a beautiful swan.

Teacher:The moral is: you can achieve anything if you believe in yourself.

Teacher:Now, Ralph, in your case... well, that doesn't really apply.

Student:I wish I was interesting like you, Bart.

Bart:*makes fart noise*

Student:You're a comedy genius!

Bart:Pppppppphhhhh

Teacher:That's quite enough, Mr. Simpson. You know, that reminds me of the time I was in Vietnam. A land mine went off near me, and I lost all control of my intestinal tract. For three weeks, I made sounds just like that. My sergeant said, 'Soldier, you're a one-man noise machine.' It was the lowest point of my life.

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Moe:Who's this?

Lisa:I'm Lisa Simpson. And I couldn't help but notice your establishment is in direct violation of the health code on at least seventeen counts.

Lisa:Your bar has serious health code violations.

Moe:Health code? I don't know nothin' about no health code.

Health Inspector:I'm the real health inspector, and this place is a disaster.

Moe:Can I get you a drink? How about a nice mai tai?

Health Inspector:Sure.

Moe:Here ya go.

Health Inspector:This is just an umbrella.

Moe:Yeah, well, it's an umbrella drink now.

Homer:A cello? That's a big violin.

Homer:An oboe? Sounds like a skin condition.

Homer:A harpsichord? That's just a fancy piano that got electrocuted.

Lisa:Dad, those are completely wrong.

Homer:Well, what do you call that thing with all the strings? A... guitarmaphone?

Homer:To my dearest family, I love you more than donuts, beer, and TV combined. You mean everything to... D'oh!

Homer:You wanna know where Maggie's pacifier came from? It's quite a story. Well, actually, no, it's not. I bought it at the store.

Homer:I'm sweating like a pig!

Bart:Yeah, and you eat like one too.

Lisa:Plus you're about as smart as a pig.

Maggie:*sucks pacifier*

Lisa:"To Lisa, never give up your music. Love, Dad."

Lisa:Wait, Dad can't write. Homer must have had someone else inscribe this.

Lisa:"To Lisa, never give up your music. Love, Dad." Oh no... it says "Love, Dad" but Dad's name is Homer!

Grandpa Simpson:Well, I haven't seen her since this morning when I was teaching her to play with my revolver.

Homer:Dad!

Grandpa Simpson:What? It's not loaded. Well, not anymore. Lost the bullets in the war. And some other stuff.

Homer:Lisa, your saxaphone playing is really beautiful, but it's giving me a headache. Can you stop?

Lisa:Dad, it's pronounced 'saxophone.'

Homer:That's what I said, saxaphone. Now please stop before my brain explodes.