The One with Mrs. Bing

Oh, my God! Don't look now. Behind you there's a guy who can break our hearts and plunge us into depression.

Come to mama.

We should do something. Whistle. / I'm not whistling.

I can't believe you did that.

Why did I whoo-hoo? Was I hoping he'd turn around and say 'I love that sound. I must have you now'?

Get up, you Girl Scout! Up, up, up!

It's so sad. It's like he's a deer, a female deer.

Oh, I was gonna stop.

Even sleeping he looks smart. Yeah, but the dents in his knuckles mean he's artistic.

He's a lawyer who teaches sculpting on the side.

And he can dance. And he's the kind of guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, not saying 'I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.

You don't even know this guy. Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?

I can't believe you said 'whoo-hoo.' I don't even say 'whoo-hoo.'

Put the kids to bed for this one. Don't watch this. Weekend at Bernie's is on Showtime and HBO.

Dead guy getting hit in the groin 20, 30 times.

You wouldn't think so if you were 11 and your friends were passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.

I remember page 79. The thing after the opera with the girl with the trick hip?

When did 'Rigatoni' get back from Rome?

So, his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire? Just a dream I had. But, phew!

Your mom was arrested? I'm busy beaming with pride.

Why would she say that's embarrassing? ...I just get this craving for kung pao chicken.

Needless to say, he got a huge tip.

Oh, God, I love her! I think I'm having a stroke.

This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.

I bought my son his first condoms.

And then he burst into flames.

And teams played sports.

Please, God, don't let it be kung pao chicken.

I think you need to come out of your shell.

I heard about the divorce. Lesbian, huh?

Well, you know what they say: Be careful what you wish for.

But a man can change.

Anyone want me to appraise anything?

Well, I'm gonna go to tinker-town.

Start with half a dozen European cities, throw in 30 euphemisms for male genitalia, and you've got yourself a book.

It's the Italian hand-licker, isn't it? No. It's the one he's licking.

The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

He's just a complication you eventually kill off. When?

The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

I'll just pee in the street.

Right. No big deal. In bizarro world.

You broke the code. What code? You don't kiss your friend's mom. Sisters are okay. Maybe a hot-looking aunt. But not a mom. Never a mom.

Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But apparently somebody overslept.

Well, you don't have your racquet. No. No, I don't because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one. Well, you didn't call and leave your grip size.

You guys are spending way too much time together.

I'll have you know, Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day.

You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?

He forgot to leave his grip size. He didn't get the goggles.

What are you guys doing here? He's not even wearing a jock strap.

Really? Not even to change his pajamas?

Mrs. Mom, your Bing

You know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

I didn't kiss her. See what happens when you break the code?

And there's no 'J' in 'engorged.'

Just try to picture her not pregnant.

You don't have to be awake to be my man / Long as you have brain waves I'll be there to hold your hand

All right, there, mother-kisser?

You kissed my mom.

We're rehearsing a Greek play.

Okay, that's my finger. Okay, that's my knee. Still doing the play.

This is so typical. You know, we give and we give and we give. And we just get nothing back. And then one day, you wake up, and it's, 'See you around.'

But I guess it was just the coma.

You kissed my best Ross.

The question is, when are you gonna realize I have a bomb? Are you sure she didn't say: 'When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?' That makes more sense.

And on page two, he's not reaching for her 'heaving beasts.'

What's a 'niffle'? You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.

Did you get to the part about his 'huge, throbbing pens'?

You don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those.

Wait, I just got to the part about her 'public hair.'