The One with the Monkey

And look, Ugly Naked Guy is hanging candy canes.

Where? Oh. Well. That's festive.

That is so cruel. Why would a parent name their child Bethel?

That monkey's got a Ross on his ass.

You reach a certain age, having a roommate is just kind of pathet

That's 'pathet.' Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live.'

I'm doing new material tonight. I have 12 songs about my mother's suicide and one about a snowman.

You might wanna open with the snowman.

Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager.

He's not even jolly. It's all political.

...of finding lips to kiss when the ball drops!

Man, I'm talking loud!

-I'll be just as pathetic as you. -Yeah, you wish.

I've got an idea. Dinner. It's perfect. We'll put it between lunch and breakfast.

I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday.

I was hoping for more enthusiasm.

I made a man with eyes of coal / And a smile so bewitching / How was I supposed to know / That my mom was dead in the kitchen?

My mother's ashes / Even her eyelashes / Are resting in a little yellow jar

And sometimes when it's freezing / I feel a little sneezy / And now I— Excuse me? Excuse me? Yeah, noisy boys.

Is it something you'd like to share with the group?

That guy's going home with a note.

I said I liked her in Splash, but not Wall Street. I thought she had a hard quality.

While Daryl is beautiful in a conventional way... you are luminous with a kind of delicate grace.

That guy's going home with more than a note.

I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. By my sixth date with Paolo, he'd already named both my breasts.

Did I just share too much? Just a smidge.

He's kind of like the guy I went to see that with. Except he's smarter and gentler and sweeter.

I just wanna be with him all the time. You know, day and night. And night and day. And special occasions.

This was a pact! This was your pact! I couldn't handle the pressure. I snapped!

Too many jokes.

Must mock Joey.

Nice shoes, huh? God, you're killing me!

It has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean. He threw some feces.

But make sure it seems like you're there to see him. You're not doing it for me. Okay. But if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

Do you plan on kissing me ever?

But I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss... at a phenomenal moment because it's you.

Now, it's just gotta be one of those things where I... sweep everything off the table. And I'm not really a sweeping sort of fella.

I mean, you're a sweeper trapped inside a physicist's body.

You know what? This is really expensive. And this was a gift.

Now you're just tidying up.

You want me to throw you? I can hop.

You know more than one Fun Bobby? I happen to know a Fun Bob.

There's no room for milk. There. Now there is.

What's an elf to do?

So I'll be the only one alone when the ball drops? We'll have a big party, and no one will know who's with who. I'll know.

He's walking around all the time, dragging his hands.

What juggling thing? With the socks? I figured you taught him that. No. It wasn't that big a deal. Just socks. And a melon.

Minsk? Minsk. It's in Russia. I know where Minsk is.

And if you're gonna do Minsk, that's the way to go.

Tell her. 'I don't wanna go... to work with Lipson, Yamaguchi and Flank. I wanna stay and make out with my girlfriend!'

Getting so good at that! It was Max's stuff.

I love this artichoke thing. Don't tell me what's in it. The diet starts tomorrow.

You remember Janice. Vividly.

Now. It's amazing. We've been back together for what... like 10 minutes, and— Is that all?

It's like we were never apart. Of course, we were, but— Forgive and forget. Well, forget.

You brought your kids. Yeah. That's okay, right? Party!

That thing is not coming in here! This is how you greet guests? If I showed up with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome?

Your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.

He was more embarrassed about that than anyone.

Where's Paolo? Rome. Jerk missed his flight.

And then your face exploded? No.

...when this woman, this blond planet with a pocketbook... starts yelling.

And I was blowing my attack whistle thingy... and three more cabs show up.

That looks okay, right? You went a bit wide on the lipstick. Oh, I did? Yeah. It's hard for me to tell. My eye's closing up.

When I saw you at the store last week... it was the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.

Wow, that's dirty. Yeah.

He doesn't have to spend the whole evening with me... but at least check in.

Smile. You're on Janice Camera.

Kill me. Kill me now.

Hey, sorry I'm late. But my grandfather... died about two hours ago. But I couldn't get a flight out till tomorrow, so here I am.

Hey, Fun Bobby! How's it going, man? Whoa! Who died?

It's gonna be an open casket, you know? So at least I'll get to see him again.

Bobby? Fun Bobby?

But you're really bringing the party down.

I'm gonna blow this one up and write 'Reunited' in glitter.

You listen to me! You listen to me! One of these times, it's just gonna be your last chance with me!

Hi, Max. Yoko.

It won't be the same... but it will still be Minsk.

You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just for me. If I go, I have to break up with you. And I can't break up with you.

Just say, 'Phoebe, I love you, but my work is my life. That's what I have to do.' And I say, 'Your work? How can you say that?' Then you say, 'I have no choice. Can't you understand that?' And I say, 'No! No! I can't understand that!'

I'm gonna miss you, you scientist guy.

And then the peacock bit me.

Please kiss me at midnight!

You seen Sandy? I don't know how to tell you this... but she's in the bedroom getting it on with Max. Oh, I did know how to tell you.

Everybody looks so happy. I hate that! Not everybody is happy. Hey, Bobby!

I thought I'd throw this out. I'm no math whiz... but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here.

I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. I can't kiss anyone. So, I'm kissing everyone? No, you can't kiss Ross. That's your brother.

So now everybody's getting kissed but me. Somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me! It's midnight! Somebody kiss me!

I wanted this to work so much. I'm still in there. Changing his diapers. Picking his fleas. But he's just phoning it in.

It's hard that something you love so much doesn't love you back.

I think that bitch cracked my tooth.