The One With The Monkey

Monica:Oh my God! Why is Ugly Naked Guy decorating his apartment for Christmas?

Monica:And why is he doing it completely naked?

Monica:Oh no, no, no... those are candy canes. Please tell me those are candy canes and not...

Chandler:Where are the candy canes?

Chandler:Oh. Oh my God.

Chandler:Well, I guess you could say his decorations are very... festive.

Chandler:A monkey? From a lab? That's... that's actually really sad.

Joey:Yeah, but Bethel saved him!

Chandler:Bethel? What kind of name is Bethel for a monkey?

Joey:Hey, at least he's not a monkey on your back anymore.

Ross:Joey, he IS a monkey on my back!

Ross:I don't want a roommate because I'm not going to end up like some... path—

Chandler:It's actually a very common medical condition. In fact, there's a whole chapter about it in the DSM-5. Well, there isn't, but there should be.

Phoebe:Hi everyone, I'm gonna sing a song about my dead mother.

Phoebe:♪ My mother died when I was five ♪ ♪ But now I'm really happy and I love my life! ♪

Phoebe:I'm gonna sing a song about my dead mother, and then a song about my dead cat, and then a happy song about a puppy that gets hit by a car.

Chandler:You might want to save the dead mother song for last.

Joey:They said I didn't have the right look for Santa. I said, 'What are you talking about? I'm great with kids!' They said, 'That's the problem.'

Joey:What do you mean there's another Santa? I'm Santa!

Joey:Look, I earned this job. I showed up on time, I learned the ho-ho-hos, and I didn't ask too many questions about the suit.

Joey:You can't just have two Santas. That's not how it works. That's like having two presidents!

Joey:And another thing - if there's gonna be a transition of power, there should be a ceremony. Maybe some elves present a gift. Show some respect for the office!

Monica:New Year's Eve is the one night of the year when a single woman can go up to a man and say, 'Sleep with me tonight' and the worst he can say is no.

Chandler:What is that, the woman's line?

Monica:Yeah.

Chandler:Because I gotta tell you, it works.

Monica:I know I'm being loud, but I'm excited!

Rachel:I'll be as pathetic as you!

Monica:Oh, please! You could never be as pathetic as me. I have years of experience!

Monica:We could have dinner!

Monica:You know, that meal that comes after lunch? It's a thing people do. In the evening. It's crazy, I know, but people actually eat at night!

Monica:I hate New Year's. Everyone expects you to have this perfect night, like Dick Clark personally scheduled your happiness.

Monica:And if you're not having fun at midnight, you feel like you've failed as a person for the entire year.

Monica:So... you guys don't want to do the dinner pact?

Monica:Okay. That's fine. That's... that's fine.

Phoebe:Sticky shoes, leave a little track. And then shake my shimmy and then I jump back.

Phoebe:I make a great big snow guy, and now we kiss.

Phoebe:And then he falls in the snow again and his head is someplace in the woods. And then we find my mother.

Phoebe:And then the eyelashes, they don't burn. So I have a box of eyelashes in my apartment.

Phoebe:Hey! Hey! Some of us are trying to perform here. You know what? You want to get up here and do my job? No? Then zip it!

Audience Member:Sorry!

Phoebe:Thank you. Now, where was I? Oh yeah... Sticky shoes.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, okay. You know what? I need you guys to be quiet right now. This is very important. I'm trying to sing here, and you're being very rude and disruptive. So if you could just sit down and be quiet, that would be great. Thank you.

Chandler:This is like watching two people in school detention realize they like each other.

Guy:You know, Daryl Hannah has this interesting dichotomy in her performances. She brings a kind of vulnerable strength to her roles.

Date:I just think she's hot.

Guy:Well, yes, but there's also a subtext of—

Audience:*laughter*

Guy:Your eyes are like two sparkling diamonds in a sea of sapphires, glistening under the moonlight of my affection.

Date:Did you... rehearse that?

Guy:No! I mean, yes. I mean... maybe a little.

Audience:*laughter*

Chandler:Could I BE any more in love with you right now?

Rachel:I mean, David is so sweet, but he moves so slowly. It's like watching paint dry.

Rachel:At least with Paolo, things happened fast. Really fast. Like, embarrassingly fast. We'd be at dinner and suddenly—well, let's just say the waiter didn't need to ask if we wanted dessert.

Rachel:Oh my God, did I just tell him about that?

Monica:Yeah, that was... a lot of information.

Phoebe:He's like An Officer and a Gentleman, except without the officer and the gentleman.

Phoebe:I'm in love with David. I've been in love with him for a long time, and I just can't keep it in anymore.

Phoebe:Every day, day after day, day in and day out, I think about him. And then at night, at nighttime, when it gets dark, I think about him even more.

Phoebe:And sometimes, occasionally, once in a while, I just want to tell him how I feel. But I can't, because he's in Minsk, and I'm here, and also I'm a little afraid of bees.

Chandler:I know, I know! I broke the pact. I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I couldn't resist her smile, her laugh, the way she looked at me... I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry!

Ross:Hey! What'd I miss?

Rachel:Oh, nothing, Ross. Just a little discussion about how Monica forgot to invite Chandler to her party.

Ross:Oh! Well, that's not so bad. I once forgot to invite Chandler to my own birthday party and he turned out fine!

Chandler:I'm still not fine, Ross.

Chandler:Oh wow. Could I BE any more attracted to you right now?

Chandler:Nice elf costume. Very... elfin.

Joey:Thanks! You know, I've been working on my craft.

Ross:He scratched me. So I scratched him back. Then he bit me, so I bit him back. Then he threw his feces at me, so I threw my feces at him.

Ross:Chandler, can you watch Marcel for me?

Chandler:Yeah, sure, I can do that. What do I need to do?

Ross:Just keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't get into anything.

Chandler:Okay, I'm taking this very seriously. I have a checklist. One: food and water. Two: bathroom breaks. Three: enrichment activities. Four: safety hazard assessment.

Ross:Chandler, he's a monkey, not a—

Chandler:A monkey who is in MY care, and I take that responsibility very seriously.

David:Well, the thing is, when you think about quantum physics and the nature of parallel universes, it's theoretically possible that—

Phoebe:Yeah, but did you die?

David:I want to do something romantic, but I keep overthinking it. Like, what if I get her flowers and she's allergic? What if I pick the wrong restaurant and she hates Italian? What if I plan a surprise and she finds out and then the surprise is ruined?

David:I just want it to be perfect, you know?

Self-awareness of his non-romantic nature

Phoebe:You have to go after her! Sweep her off her feet!

David:I don't know, Phoebe. I'm not really a sweeper.

Phoebe:Well maybe that's your problem! You're trapped in a non-sweeping identity!

David:I'm sweeping this table for you... romantically.

Woman:That's sweet, but isn't that where we eat?

David:Well, yes, but—

Woman:And aren't you just pushing the crumbs onto the floor?

David:Okay, you're ruining the romance here.

Phoebe:You know, that's not romantic at all. A guy who moves things instead of sweeping them? That's a guy who's gonna move your stuff instead of asking where you want it.

David:Let me lift you onto the table.

Phoebe:Could you just push it closer? My legs don't work that way.

Chandler:Wait, wait. Fun Bobby is your ex-boyfriend?

Rachel:Yeah.

Chandler:Fun Bobby? What's the difference between Fun Bobby and just Bobby?

Rachel:Well, Fun Bobby likes to have a good time.

Chandler:Oh, so just Bobby is what, depressed Bobby? Angry Bobby?

Chandler:My fridge is completely full. I can't fit anything else in here.

Joey:So rearrange some stuff.

Chandler:Or... I could just drink this milk.

Joey:You know, being an elf really puts things in perspective. I mean, here I am, six hundred years old, and I still can't get a date on Christmas Eve.

Chandler:I'm the only one without a date.

Monica:That's not true, Chandler.

Chandler:Really? Who else is alone?

Monica:Well... you are.

Ross:He just sits there staring at the wall all day. Won't eat, won't play with his toys. I think Marcel might be depressed.

Chandler:A depressed monkey? What's he got to be depressed about?

Ross:I don't know, Chandler. Maybe he's not getting enough attention, or maybe he's just going through something.

Monica:Have you tried talking to him about it?

Ross:He's a monkey, Monica. I don't think therapy is going to help.

Ross:Marcel's been juggling!

Chandler:Socks?

Ross:Socks and a melon.

Chandler:A melon? That's impressive for a monkey.

Phoebe:Minsk? That's in Belarus, right?

Max:Yeah, it's the capital.

Phoebe:Oh. I thought it was just a made-up word, like 'Grinch' or 'Sriracha'.

Max:The grant conditions require you to treat Minsk like a vacation destination choice

Max:Tell her. 'I don't wanna go... to work with Lipson, Yamaguchi and Flank. I wanna stay and make out with my girlfriend!'

David:Look at me! I'm getting really good at this!

David:I've been practicing on Monica's stuff all week.

Monica:It's only a calorie if you eat it while standing up. So technically, I haven't eaten anything today.

Chandler:I'd like you to meet Janice.

Ross:No!

Janice:Oh my God, Chandler! Can you believe we're back together? It feels like no time has passed at all!

Chandler:Yeah... about that. It's been three days.

Janice:Oh, I think we can work through this. We just need to forgive and forget.

Chandler:No, no, no. Let's just forget. Forget the forgiving part.

Kid:This is the best party ever!

Joey:Yeah? You like it?

Kid:There's beer, there's girls, there's no parents telling us what to do!

Joey:Okay, that's... that's great, but maybe we should get you some juice or something.

Monica:Ross, you can't bring Marcel to my party. He'll destroy everything!

Ross:Monica, come on. Marcel is very well-behaved. He's actually better company than my last girlfriend.

Monica:A monkey is better company than your last girlfriend?

Ross:Well, Marcel doesn't complain, he doesn't nag, and he actually listens when I talk. So yeah, pretty much.

Ross:Well, the way I see it, she's not that different from a monkey.

Monica:A monkey doesn't leave wet towels all over the bathroom.

Monica:Marcel peed on my new couch!

Ross:He's probably just scared. When I'm nervous, I have to go to the bathroom like five times.

Rachel:Paolo was supposed to pick me up from the airport, but he missed my flight!

Monica:Rachel, you're covered in bruises. What happened to you?

Rachel:I know, I know. But can you believe he missed my flight? That's what I'm upset about!

Phoebe:Oh my God, what happened to you?

Rachel:I know, I look terrible. I fell down the stairs at Bloomingdale's.

Phoebe:Did you die?

Rachel:She was this huge woman, and I was like, 'Oh my God, she looks like a blond planet!'

Rachel:So I'm standing there with my suitcase, and this cab pulls up, right? And another cab pulls up right behind it. So I'm like, 'Which one is mine?' And they both start honking, and I'm panicking, so I pull out my attack whistle.

Rachel:I blow it once... and suddenly, there are cabs everywhere. Literally, like, ten more cabs just come out of nowhere. I've created a cab swarm!

Rachel:I can't believe I have to go to that party tonight with this black eye.

Monica:Well, at least you can cover it up with makeup.

Rachel:Yeah, I'm trying, but I can't even see out of this eye to apply it!

Monica:So what, you're just going to apply makeup to the one eye you can see out of?

Rachel:Unless you want to do it for me, yes!

Sandy:When I saw you at the store last week... it was the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.

Joey:Well, of course the elf is undressing. He's an elf!

Sandy:Exactly!

Chandler:Has anyone seen Marcel? I've been looking everywhere for him.

Ross:He's in the other room.

Chandler:Well, I need to talk to him. We need to take a break.

Janice:Oh my God, I'm like Candid Camera, except it's Janice Camera!

Chandler:Could I BE any more dead?

Fun Bobby:Hey everyone! Happy New Year!

Fun Bobby:My wife just died, but the party's still going, right?

Fun Bobby:Who wants another drink?

Joey:Hey, Fun Bobby! How's it going, man? Whoa! Who died?

Fun Bobby:Yeah, well the good news is the funeral's gonna be great. Open bar!

Monica:So Bobby is fun?

Monica:Bobby, I know this is hard, but you have to move on. Life goes on.

Bobby:You really think so?

Monica:I do. And honestly, everyone's been a lot happier since you left.

Janice:Oh my God, Chandler! We need to document this moment! I'm going to make a scrapbook - no, a series of scrapbooks! One for each day we're together. With color-coordinated tabs and laminated photos!

Chandler:Janice, we're only together for like two days.

Janice:I know! So I'll need to use a smaller font for the captions. Oh! And I'll make little pockets for ticket stubs and napkins from places we eat. This is going to be amazing!

Chandler:Janice, I think we should see other people.

Janice:Oh. My. God. You're breaking up with me? Well I'm breaking up with YOU first!

Chandler:Okay...

Janice:No wait, I take it back. I'm breaking up with you again first!

Chandler:Janice...

Janice:Nope, nope, nope - I'M breaking up with YOU first!

Max calling Phoebe 'Yoko' like Ono breaking up Beatles

Max:It won't be the same... but it will still be Minsk.

David:I want to go to Minsk, but I'm afraid if I leave, Phoebe will move on.

Phoebe:So don't go.

David:But I have to go to Minsk.

Phoebe:Then I'll wait for you.

David:How long?

Phoebe:As long as it takes.

David:But what if it takes years?

Phoebe:Then I'll wait years.

David:What if I never come back?

Phoebe:David, I will wait for you forever.

David:You see? This is exactly why I can't leave.

Phoebe:Okay, so you're gonna say, 'Phoebe, I think we should see other people.'

Phoebe:And then I'm gonna say, 'I agree. I think we should see other people too.'

Phoebe:And then you're gonna say, 'Really? Oh, that makes this so much easier.'

Phoebe:And I'm gonna say, 'Yeah, I've actually been seeing someone. His name is David.'

Phoebe:I'm gonna call you... Kitten.

Ross:And then the dinosaur came around the corner, and he was very, very angry. He had these big teeth, and these big claws, and he was looking for lunch.

Ross:So the little boy ran as fast as he could, but the dinosaur was faster. And just when the dinosaur was about to catch him...

Ross:A big, angry monkey came swinging down from the trees and attacked the dinosaur! And they fought and fought!

Ross:And then... the monkey ate the dinosaur.

Chandler:I'm sorry, but I have to say something. For me, this New Year's Eve has only one wish, and that is to spend it with someone special. Someone who makes me laugh, someone who I can talk to, someone who understands me. And preferably someone who's a woman.

Chandler:I don't know how to tell you this.

Joey:Just rip the band-aid off.

Chandler:Your fly is down.

Chandler:Why does everyone else get to be happy?

Monica:Look, not everyone's happy. Bobby's grieving over there.

Chandler:Well, if Monica and I kiss, that's one kiss. If Monica and Joey kiss, that's another kiss. If Joey and I kiss, that's a third kiss. So if we all kiss each other, that's three kisses. But if we do a big group kiss, that's just one kiss. So mathematically, we should do the group kiss.

Chandler:Wait a minute. I'm gonna kiss everyone here?

Monica:Not me.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. So Monica kisses you, and Joey kisses you, but I don't get a kiss?

Rachel:Well, yeah.

Chandler:Why not?

Rachel:I don't know, it just seems weird.

Chandler:Weird? I'm married to Monica! How is that weirder than kissing Joey?

Chandler:Come on, Rachel. Just one little kiss. For me?

Chandler:Please? I'm begging you. I will get down on my knees right here in Central Perk if that's what it takes!

Ross:I can't believe Marcel won't even look at me anymore. It's like we had something special, and now he just... doesn't care.

Chandler:Hey, welcome to every relationship I've ever had.

Ross:I got Marcel a little present. I think he's gonna love it.

Chandler:What is it?

Ross:It's a little choo-choo train. See, it goes around the track like this...

Chandler:Ross, he's a monkey.

Ross:I know he's a monkey! But I thought maybe he'd like—

Monica:You can't buy Marcel's love, Ross.

Ross:I'm not trying to buy his love. I just thought he'd enjoy it.

Joey:The guy's right. You gotta let them come to you naturally.

Chandler:Yeah, Ross. The monkey's got to want to be with you. That's how relationships work.

Rachel:Oh my God, my mouth! Look at it!

Monica:It's not that bad.

Rachel:Not that bad? Monica, I look like I got in a fight at the airport!

Chandler:Well, you kind of did.

Rachel:That's not helping!