The One With The Dozen Lasagnas

Ross:Could I BE any more spontaneous?

Ross:♪ We were on a break! ♪

Chandler:Oh my God, stop. Please stop.

Ross:What? I'm just expressing myself through song.

Chandler:Yeah, well express yourself through literally any other medium.

Monica:Actually, I think it's kind of sweet, Ross.

Chandler:Oh, come on! Now you're encouraging him?

Monica:Now everyone's doing it

Monica:Okay, okay, everyone stop! We can't just keep singing the I Dream of Jeannie theme all day.

Joey:Why not? I could do this forever!

Monica:Because we have actual things to do. We have jobs, we have responsibilities...

Chandler:Monica's right. Plus, my throat is killing me.

Monica:Thank you. See? Someone has to be the voice of reason around here.

Monica:Well, the meat's only every third layer. Maybe you could scrape.

Ross:Babies in the womb can actually navigate using magnetic fields. They develop a kind of internal compass around week 23.

Ross:It says in some parts of the world people actually eat the placenta.

Unknown:And we're done with the yogurt.

Monica:What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas?

Monica:You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?

Phoebe:Oh, what a beautiful baby! Does he have a name?

Ross:Yeah, it's Ben.

Phoebe:Oh, that's sweet. Where's his mother?

Ross:She's... she's with Carol.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! Do you want to know the worst part? I can't have any more kids.

Monica:What? Why not?

Phoebe:I had to have a hysterectomy.

Chandler:Oh Pheebs, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, that's what I get for eating all that bad stuff when I was living on the street.

Joey:Wait, you can't have kids at all?

Phoebe:Nope. Not biologically anyway.

Phoebe:So when you guys decide to have a baby, are you gonna use your stuff or his stuff?

Rachel:Phoebe!

Phoebe:What? I'm just asking!

Phoebe:Okay, okay... have you two actually had sex yet?

Rachel:Oh my God!

Phoebe:And if you do, will he be able to... you know... finish?

Paolo:How do you say this word?

Phoebe:Oh, I know! Just remember: 'Please And Often Order Lunch Often.' That's Paolo!

Monica:Oh my God, we've been listening to this story for twenty minutes.

Chandler:Yeah, is there a point? Because I have a dentist appointment in an hour.

Rachel:Wait, what were you even talking about?

Phoebe:I zoned out like ten minutes ago.

Joey:Dude, I don't even remember how we got here.

Ross:Well, if you'd just let me finish—

Everyone:NO!

Monica:So you're having a fling with him?

Rachel:Well, it's not serious or anything.

Monica:You know what? I'm gonna fling you right now.

Rachel:I think I'm falling in love with him.

Rachel:Every time he walks in the room, my heart just... and then he smiles and I just...

Rachel:Actually, you know what? No. He just touched my arm and I felt a little nauseous.

Monica:I could call Immigration.

Monica:Oh my God, look at his little fingers! And his tiny toes! He's so precious!

Chandler:He just spit up on me.

Monica:ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?!

Chandler:Well, I think the table's seen better days.

Joey:Seen better days? Chandler, the table is destroyed!

Chandler:Could the table BE any more broken?

Ross:Wait, whose photo is that?

Carol:It's you.

Ross:Me? I thought it was a celebrity!

Ross:Wait, you want to have... a threesome?

Rachel:What? No! I said we should have some time together!

Ross:Oh... oh my God. I was already mentally preparing myself. I had a whole... scenario planned out.

Monica:Please tell me you did not think about me being involved.

Ross:What? No! It was... someone else.

Carol:Ross, I need to talk to you about something.

Ross:Oh God, what? What is it?

Carol:It's about Susan and me.

Ross:I knew it! I knew something was going on!

Carol:We're moving in together.

Ross:Moving in— wait, that's it?

Carol:What did you think I was going to say?

Ross:I don't know, something terrible!

Ross:Well, unless the baby's a girl, in which case... we have a problem.

Chandler:Joey, how did you break the table?

Joey:Hey, it wasn't me!

Chandler:Then who was it?

Joey:It was... during a thing with a girl.

Chandler:During a thing? Joey, the table is destroyed!

Joey:Yeah, well, she was really... enthusiastic.

Chandler:The impressions you made in the butter...left little to the imagination.

Chandler:Monica, we need to talk about this grill situation. This is serious roommate stuff.

Monica:What? It's just a small grill!

Chandler:Just a grill? Monica, do you know what this means? This is marriage-level commitment we're talking about here.

Monica:It's a grill, Chandler.

Chandler:A grill that you didn't even ask me about! What's next, you're gonna start making unilateral decisions about the apartment? We need to sit down and discuss shared expenses, maintenance schedules, who gets it in the divorce!

Jasmine:I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum.

Paolo:You want me to undress?

Paolo:(immediately starts removing his clothes)

Monica:I'm so excited! I'm going to be an aunt!

Monica:Well, technically I could be an uncle if the baby's a boy and... no, wait, that's not how that works.

Phoebe:Do you guys know Paolo?

Chandler:Yeah, we know Paolo. He's Monica's on-and-off boyfriend who treats dating like it's his job.

Joey:The guy's got more moves than a chess grandmaster.

Chandler:I'm pretty sure he has business cards. 'Paolo's Romance Services - No commitment too small.'

Phoebe:It was like he pitched a tent in his pants.

Joey:Why would they call it patio furniture if it's not for the patio? That's false advertising!

Chandler:Could we BE any more feathered?

Joey:Hey, welcome to my nest. Can I get you a cracker?

Chandler:This is exactly why I don't trust birds.

Joey:Why don't you get a ladybug pattern?

Chandler:A ladybug pattern? Joey, ladybugs are red with black spots. That's not a pattern you wear on your chest — that's a pattern you step on.

Chandler:You know what? Fine. Keep the chair. But when Tristan calls looking for his favorite sitting spot, don't say I didn't warn you.

Joey:Tristan? Who's Tristan?

Chandler:Exactly. He doesn't even remember you anymore.

Rachel:Phoebe, these cookies are amazing! What's your secret?

Phoebe:Well, I use love instead of butter.

Rachel:Love instead of butter?

Phoebe:Yeah, and I always make sure to tell the cookies how much I care about them before I eat them. I mean, it's only fair. They gave up their lives for us.

Phoebe:See? I'm not a liar. These cookies are amazing.

Rachel:Phoebe, that's not how honesty works.

Phoebe:No, but it's how good baking works.

Joey:Wow, this table is beautiful!

Monica:I know, right? I found it at an antique store.

Joey:So... can we eat on it?

Monica:No! It's decorative.

Joey:Then where are we supposed to eat?

Joey:How are you gonna get back?

Chandler:I don't know. But I gotta go.

Phoebe:He's a pig.

Rachel:He is not a pig!

Phoebe:Rachel, he's a total pig.

Rachel:Well, he's MY pig.

Chandler:So you're telling me you haven't called Rachel yet?

Joey:Yeah, and it's been like three days. That's like... biblical waiting.

Chandler:Could they BE any more Italian?

Monica:What do you mean?

Chandler:Look at them. They're having an entire conversation with their hands. I think Paolo just said something about a nice pasta.

Monica:You know, if you're going to cry, at least do it over the stove. The steam is good for your skin.

Ross:You deserve better guys, Rachel. Guys who appreciate you for who you really are.

Rachel:Aw, that's so sweet. You know, you're like the best friend ever. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Ross:I... yeah. Best friend. Right.

Ross:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! It's a boy! We're having a boy!

Rachel:Ross, you weren't supposed to find out!

Ross:I know, I know, but I couldn't help it! A boy! A little boy! Do you know what this means? I can teach him about dinosaurs, and paleontology, and—

Rachel:Ross, breathe.

Ross:I am breathing! I'm breathing happy tears! A son! I'm going to be a father to a son!

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. You all knew? How did you all know?

Rachel:Ross, we've known for like two weeks.

Monica:Yeah, it was kind of obvious.

Chandler:Dude, you're not exactly subtle.

Phoebe:I knew from your aura.

Joey:I just figured it out like five minutes ago.

Chandler:That's a home run!

Ross, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey:That's a touchdown!

Joey:Wait, wait, wait! One more game! I'll play with one hand tied behind my back.

Monica:Joey, we really have to go.

Joey:Okay, okay, both hands! I'll play with both hands tied behind my back!

Chandler:How would you even hold the cards?

Joey:I'll hold them in my mouth! Come on, just one more game!

Joey:No, no, no! You can't leave! We're just getting to the good part!

Chandler:I know, I know, but I really have to—

Joey:Come on, man! Just one more round!

Chandler:Okay, fine. I'll stay.