The One With The Boobies

Rachel:Oh my God! Could you knock?! I'm changing!

Joey:I'm sorry, I didn't know—

Rachel:Well now you know! A little privacy, please!

Rachel:Could you not look at me?

Chandler:I'm not looking. Although, I have to say, the nippular areas are very forward this season.

Monica:This is going to be amazing! Tell them the story!

Roger:I went to the store.

Monica:And?

Roger:They didn't have my size.

Monica:Oh my God, that was so sweet! He's so thoughtful and romantic.

Monica:Wait, did you see how he looked at that waitress? I mean, what was that about?

Monica:I can't date my therapist, Phoebe. That's completely unethical.

Phoebe:Why? He listens to you, he's interested in your problems...

Monica:It's a conflict of interest. He knows everything about me.

Phoebe:So? That's good! You don't have to explain yourself.

Monica:Phoebe, I can't do this. Besides, his office has that vinyl furniture and I'm not sitting on that in a romantic way.

Customer:I'll have a coffee and—

Rachel:No. I don't care what you want. You know what? We're out of everything. We're closed.

Joey:What'd I miss?

Chandler:Well, we were just talking about how breasts are fascinating. We call them 'boobies.'

Joey:Why were you looking at Rachel's breasts?

Chandler:I wasn't looking at Rachel's breasts! I was looking at a bird... through a telescope... from across the street... at night.

Phoebe:So like, when a guy does the pee-pee dance, it means he likes you.

Phoebe:What I'm saying is, physiological responses indicate romantic interest.

Rachel:Okay, but that's not really changing the subject, that's just... using different words for the same subject.

Ross:Well, technically, the word 'breast' comes from the Old English 'breost,' which referred to the chest area in general. However, in modern vernacular, particularly in—in colloquial settings, the diminutive form 'boob' is derived from the Spanish 'bobo,' meaning 'foolish' or 'silly,' which is—is actually quite fitting when you think about it.

Rachel:Excuse me? Did you just call my breasts 'nice'?

Chandler:I was just making an observation.

Rachel:Well don't. That's not appropriate. What's next, you're going to compliment my mittens?

Rachel:I want better compliments about my breasts.

Chandler:Could I BE any more trapped?

Chandler:Yeah, well, enjoy it now. Because in about six months, nobody's gonna think you're funny.

Roger:You know, Chandler, I've been analyzing you, and I think you use humor as a defense mechanism.

Chandler:Oh, really? Well, I think you use analysis as a way to avoid dealing with your own problems, Dr. Boring.

Roger:I mean, I just met you. I don't know you from Adam. Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. How did you know that?

Roger:Oh, it's nothing. I just picked up on a few things.

Joey's Dad:So Monica, I hear you had a boyfriend before Joey. What was his name?

Monica:It was Ross.

Joey's Dad:Ross? That's a nice name. What does he do?

Joey:Dad!

Joey's Dad:So Ross, I hear you've been married. That's wonderful!

Joey's Dad:How many times was it again?

Phoebe:So... does anyone want to hear a song about my cat that ate a whole wheel of cheese?

Phoebe:Say something funny.

Chandler:

Joey:Hey Mom, how are you?

Joey's Dad:It's not your mother, it's your father.

Joey:Dad? What's going on?

Joey's Dad:I'm calling from Atlantic City. I'm with someone special.

Joey:Who? Who are you with?

Joey's Dad:Her name is Ronni. She's... well, she's not your mother.

Joey's Dad:I have something to tell you. I've been seeing someone.

Joey:Dad, we know. Mom knows.

Joey's Dad:Well, she's a hand model.

Joey:A hand model? What does that even mean?

Joey's Dad:It means she models hands. For glove ads, jewelry commercials, things like that.

Joey:So you're leaving Mom for a woman whose job is just... hands?

Joey:Well, you see Dad, it's like this: when you're cooking, you gotta commit to one thing at a time. You can't be flipping burgers while you're making pasta. That's how you end up with a mess. Same thing with relationships.

Joey:Dad, have you ever been in love?

Joey's Dad:No.

Joey's Dad:You know, son, the key to a good relationship is honesty and commitment. You gotta treat a woman right, be faithful, show her she's the only one that matters.

Joey:That's great, Dad. Really touching. So, uh, how's that working out for you and Mom? Oh wait, I forgot — you're banging your secretary.

Joey:My dad's having an affair, which is... it's really messing with my head, you know? Like, I don't even know how to feel about it. But then I started thinking... what if he's not having an affair? What if he's actually a spy?

Joey:That would be so cool! Like, all those times he said he was working late? He was probably diffusing a bomb or something. And that mysterious woman? Double agent!

Monica:Do you think Mom and Dad are still... you know?

Ross:I try not to think about it.

Monica:Well, I walked in on them last week.

Ross:Oh my God! Monica!

Monica:They were just... they were really going at it.

Ross:I cannot, I cannot process that information right now.

Monica:Why do parents have to be so complicated? Why can't they just be... parents?

Rachel:Why are you staring at me like that?

Ross:What? I'm not staring.

Rachel:You so are. Monica's having a moment and you're just... staring at me.

Ross:I was thinking about something.

Rachel:About what?

Ross:Nothing! It's... nothing.

Phoebe:Well, they're not 'boobies,' they're breasts. But if you want to call them 'boobies,' that's fine. I call mine 'The Funbags.'

Joey:Yeah, and we could get one of those little birds... a titmouse! No wait, a chickadee!

Chandler:A little 'tit for tat'?

Monica:What's wrong with Roger?

Ross:Oh, he's fine. I just hate him.

Ross · Roger:You're wrong! Why would I marry her if I thought that she was a lesbian? I don't know. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.

Ross:Wait, what do you mean 'sibling issues'? Monica and I don't have sibling issues.

Ross:Are you talking about Monica? Because Monica's the one with the issues, not me.

Ross:I don't feel guilty about your failures.

Monica:My failures?

Phoebe:Oh, I think it's so great that you guys are working through your issues. My parents never did that. They just... stopped talking to each other. For like, twelve years.

Ross:You know what? Maybe I married Rachel just to show Monica I could get someone better than her!

Monica:Ross, that's insane.

Ross:Is it? IS IT?

Phoebe:I had this Weeble, right? And my mom gave it away. But that's not even the worst part. It had the Weeble Wobble Dance Studio with the working disco ball, the Weeble Wobble Safari Jeep with real rubber tires, the Weeble Wobble Underwater Dome with the scuba gear that actually fit, the Weeble Wobble Roller Skate Set with the tiny wheels, and the Weeble Wobble Campfire with the marshmallows that smelled like real marshmallows!

Phoebe:I had this toy rabbit when I was little, and I lost it. I was so sad.

Roger:Well, that must have been very difficult for you. But you know, sometimes losing things helps us grow as people.

Roger:You know, Monica, the way you're eating those cookies is really quite suggestive. Maybe you should be more mindful of how that looks in public.

Monica:You know what? I've had it with Roger. He's been making those awful comments about me, and I'm done. I'm officially joining the 'hate Roger' club.

Chandler:Welcome! We've been expecting you.

Ross:Yeah, there's applications and everything.

Chandler:So, let me get this straight. You're having an affair, and you brought your mistress to meet your wife's friends? That's not a relationship problem, that's a scheduling problem.

Joey:Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Ronni:Oh, you're the actor! I want your father.

Ronni:Oh my God, you're Joey Tribbiani! I love you so much!

Ronni:You're so handsome, and talented, and... oh my God, I can't believe you're here!

Joey:Hey, thanks!

Ronni:Your eyes are incredible. Have you ever thought about doing more movies?

Chandler:Well, look at you. You're really getting a little nippy out there, aren't you?

Phoebe:I'm a pet mortician. I help people say goodbye to their furry friends in a really special way.

Phoebe:Like, I posed Mr. Whiskers mid-pounce on a laser pointer. His family said it really captured his essence.

Phoebe:And then there was Fluffy — I arranged her like she was doing yoga. Downward dog. Get it?

Phoebe:Oh! And this one hamster, I posed him like he was crowd surfing on a tiny wooden wave.

Chandler:When I die, I want to be stuffed and posed like I'm still here, you know? Like, mid-conversation, frozen mid-joke. That way people can still enjoy my company.

Monica:That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

Chandler:What? It's practical! And think about it — I'd finally have a captive audience. No one could leave in the middle of one of my stories.

Ronni:Oh, you left your hair at my place. I thought you'd need it tomorrow.

Chandler:You know what? Let's play a game. How about... Duck, Duck, Goose?

Chandler:No? Nobody? Yeah, I'm not surprised. That didn't even make sense in this context.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! What's going on here?

Joey's Father:Joey, this is... we were just...

Joey:No, no, no. I'm gonna stay right here. We're gonna talk about the weather, okay? The weather! Did you see that thing on the news about the high pressure system moving in from the west?

Joey's Mistress:Joey, maybe you should go...

Joey:Nope. I'm comfortable. Very comfortable. In fact, I might just fall asleep right here between you two.

Joey:Dad, listen to me. You're grounded. You're not going out on Friday nights anymore.

Joey:And you're gonna call Mom and apologize.

Joey:And no dessert for a week.

Ronni:Wow, he's strict.

Chandler:Could I BE any more uncomfortable sharing a bed with you? It's like camping, except the tent is a mattress and you keep stealing all the blankets.

Joey:Hey, I need those blankets! And for your information, camping is fun.

Chandler:Yeah, fun for people who enjoy sleeping outdoors with bugs and bears. I enjoy sleeping indoors with significantly fewer predators.

Joey:I'll show Ronni to my room.

Chandler:That's what she said.

Chandler:Oh good, you're awake. I was worried you'd sleep through the kicking.

Joey:Okay, so you're gonna share a bed with me.

Chandler:I'm gonna share a bed with you? Why can't you sleep on the couch?

Joey:Because I'm on the couch. You gotta take the bed.

Chandler:Fine. But I'm warning you, I sleep in my underwear.

Joey:Yeah, that's not gonna work for me.

Chandler:Okay, fine, I'll wear pajamas.

Joey:No, I mean you can't sleep in the bed.

Chandler:Alright, then where am I sleeping?

Joey:On the floor.

Chandler:On the floor? Fine. Whatever. I've slept in worse places.

Joey:I'm telling you, it was girls on top of girls!

Chandler:How is that even physically possible?

Chandler:You know what, Joey? You need to stand up to your family. Don't let them pressure you into anything you don't want to do.

Joey:You're right, you're right. I'm an actor. This is what I chose.

Chandler:Exactly! You made your own choice. A completely unsuccessful choice, but your choice.

Joey:Chandler, I just want you to know... you mean the world to me. You're my best friend.

Chandler:Joey, you mean everything to me too. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Joey:Come here, man.

Chandler:Okay, but if you're gonna hug me, could you maybe not grab my butt this time?

Ronni:Hi, I'm Ronni. I'm the new character they brought in to shake things up.

Rachel:Oh, you're the one they hired after the ratings started slipping.

Rachel:Okay, he's in the shower. Phoebe, what was that thing you said earlier?

Phoebe:Oh, about how you could just walk in there and see him naked?

Rachel:Yeah, that.

Rachel:I'm going in.

Rachel:I'm going to watch Friends without you guys, and I'm not inviting you to my apartment anymore, and you can't have any of my snacks, and... and you're all on my time-out!

Rachel:Okay, so Chandler's supposed to be in the shower at 7:15.

Rachel:I'm just going to casually walk in and—

Mr. Tribbiani:Hey there, beautiful.

Rachel:Oh my God!

Mr. Tribbiani:Were you looking for me?

Rachel:No! No, I was... I was looking for Chandler!

Mr. Tribbiani:Well, you found Joey's old man instead. Lucky you.

Rachel:I'm not a maid! I don't work here!

Monica:Rachel, what are you talking about?

Rachel:That woman thought I worked at the hotel! She kept asking me to clean her room!

Phoebe:Well, what did you say?

Rachel:I told her I was a guest, but then I tripped and knocked over her luggage, and now she definitely thinks I'm the worst maid ever!

Rachel:I can't believe I saw your thing!

Mr. Tribbiani:Hey, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's a natural part of the male anatomy.

Phoebe:Well, maybe he was just going through a phase!

Ross:Phoebe, he cheated on you with three different people.

Chandler:That's not a phase. That's a lifestyle choice.

Mrs. Tribbiani:You didn't call me! You didn't write! You forgot your mother's birthday!

Joey:Ma, I can explain—

Mrs. Tribbiani:Shut up!

Mrs. Tribbiani:That's one.

Joey:Whoa! That's gonna leave a mark!

Mrs. Tribbiani:You think I didn't know? I knew the whole time.

Mr. Tribbiani:You knew? Since when?

Mrs. Tribbiani:Since you told me you were working late at the office... on a Saturday... in July... when the office was closed for renovations.

Mr. Tribbiani:That was... a special project.

Mrs. Tribbiani:And the time you said you were at your mother's house? She called me that day. From Atlantic City.

Mrs. Tribbiani:A hobby? It's not a hobby, it's a way of life.

Mrs. Tribbiani:Besides, it keeps him out of the house.

Mrs. Tribbiani:You know, after all these years of marriage, I've learned what really matters in a husband.

Mrs. Tribbiani:He doesn't have to be handsome, he doesn't have to be rich, he doesn't even have to be smart.

Mrs. Tribbiani:He just has to be deaf and half-blind.

Mrs. Tribbiani:Well, you know, at least 'Deadbeat Ronni' keeps Frank busy so he's not bothering me all the time. Plus, I think the man has some real emotional issues he needs to work through.

Joey:Ma, you're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny...

Mrs. Tribbiani:Oh, Joey!

Joey:But let's be honest, in a fight between you and her, who'd win?

Mrs. Tribbiani:Oh, please. I'd take her down in two seconds.

Joey:Really?

Mrs. Tribbiani:Yeah, I'd use this as a weapon.

Mrs. Tribbiani:And this. And this.

Phoebe:Well, Monica thinks he's too loud. Rachel thinks he's too weird. Chandler thinks he's not funny. Joey thinks he's competition. Ross thinks he's a Neanderthal. And I think he's great!

Roger:You know, this kind of codependent, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffeehouse, with your stupid big cups, which might as well have nipples on them.

His mocking impression of the group's neediness

Joey:Random non-sequitur about sister's legal troubles

Joey:My family's a mess. I mean, my dad's never around, my mom's always yelling, my sisters are crazy...

Joey:Sometimes I wish I had a family like the Brady Bunch, you know? Where everyone just gets along and solves their problems in 22 minutes.

Chandler:Oh God, I'm turning into my mother.

Monica:Well, at least you're not turning into your father.

Chandler:Yeah, well, that's not really an improvement, is it?

Phoebe:Frank Jr. and I broke up.

Monica:What? No! You guys were perfect together!

Phoebe:I know, but he's just not my soulmate.

Monica:Phoebe, he's your husband!

Phoebe:I know, but soulmates are different.

Phoebe:I know Roger did terrible things, but he also made me laugh and... I don't know, I just have all these conflicted feelings about him.

Monica:Phoebe, he's a bad guy.

Rachel:Yeah, you should hate him.

Chandler:We all hate Roger.

Joey:Roger sucks.

Ross:Everybody hates Roger.

Phoebe:I know, I know... I hate Roger.

Joey:All aboard! This is your conductor speaking. We are now departing the station of 'I Can't Believe Rachel Did That' and heading straight to 'Joey's Revenge.'

Joey:Okay, okay, I'm gonna get Rachel back for what she did to me.

Joey:I'm gonna go walk in on her in the shower.

Monica:That's your big revenge plan?

Joey:Yeah! She'll be so embarrassed!

Joey:Okay, here I go.

Joey:Oh my God!

Monica:What? What happened?

Joey:That was NOT Rachel.

Joey:Hey Dad!

Mr. Tribbiani:Hey, how ya doin'?