The One With All The Poker

Monica:So we have chamomile, peppermint, green tea, white tea, oolong, pu-erh, rooibos, hibiscus, Earl Grey, English Breakfast, jasmine, lavender, ginger, turmeric, lemongrass...

Monica:Wait. Did you even ask for tea?

Monica:Oh wow, free coffee! That's great!

Monica:You know, except for the fact that we work at a coffee shop.

Monica:Oh, Mindy's lucky.

Chandler:Lucky? Why is she lucky?

Monica:Because she got to be friends with Rachel before she stole her fiancé.

Ross:The alternative was the monkey peeing in things.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm not done with men. I'm just taking a little sabbatical.

Ross:Rachel, I need to tell you something. I've been wanting to say this for so long and I just... I really think that you should know that I—

Chandler:We're back!

Monica:Hey!

Phoebe:That was so much fun!

Rachel:Well, you know what? Fine. Action movies are just guys in tight pants running around shooting things. There, I said it.

Chandler:It's not 'Lou Grant frolicking.' It's 'The Lout grants frolic.' As in, the uncouth man permits merriment.

Ross:Monica, relax. You're gonna be out anyway.

Monica:Out where?

Ross:I don't know, anywhere. Just... out.

Chandler:I can't believe we're discussing this.

Joey:Yeah, I know. I can't believe we're talking about this either.

Ross:She said she wanted someone exactly like me!

Rachel:I said I wanted someone who has a job.

Ross:Well, I have a job!

Ross:I can't remember the last time a girl took care of my monkey.

Chandler:'Woo'? What are you, a 1940s nightclub singer? Next you'll be asking her to go parking and pet in your jalopy.

Chandler:Maybe throw in some smooth jazz, dim lighting, and tell her she's the berries?

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica's shoes!

Rachel:Marcel, what are you doing with those?

Rachel:Oh no... oh no no no...

Rachel:Monica's going to kill us.

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God! Is this... did the monkey...?

Chandler:Yeah, that's monkey poop.

Rachel:This is a Chanel shoe!

Monica:Well, now it's a Chanel shoe with monkey poop on it. So it's worth less.

Rachel:Wait, wait. You know what? I'm keeping this. I'm sending it to Barry as a wedding gift.

Monica:Which shoes got ruined?

Rachel:The ones that matched your outfit.

Phoebe:You know, this whole thing... the monkey's escaped, everyone's freaking out... it's like the universe is telling us something. We're all disconnected from our chakras right now.

Phoebe:Marcel is out there, and he's a messenger. He's showing us that we need to embrace the chaos, you know? Find our center.

Joey:Okay, okay, I'm thinking like a tourist monkey. Where would I go? The Statue of Liberty? Times Square? The Met?

Monica:Okay, we need to split up and search for Marcel. Rachel, you take the park. Chandler, you check the apartment building. Phoebe, you search the neighborhood.

Rachel:Wait, why do I have to go to the park? It's dark out there!

Monica:Because you're the fastest runner, and if Marcel is out there, you'll need to catch him. Plus, you're dispensable.

Mr. Heckles:I don't know what you're talking about. That waffle was there when I got home.

Mr. Heckles:Besides, a man has a right to keep his breakfast foods where he sees fit.

Monica:He's small, furry, likes to eat bananas...

Building Resident:That sounds like a sandwich.

Monica:No, no, he's a monkey!

Rachel:Why don't we just go to Newark?

Ross:Oh, sure, yeah, and while we're there, we can get mugged!

Ross:You shouldn't have started with a monkey.

Ross:You should have started with a rock.

Monica:We don't have a monkey.

Rachel:Right, there's no monkey here.

Monica:We never had a monkey.

Rachel:Definitely not a monkey.

Monica:Although, if we did have a monkey, which we don't, it would be... very small.

Rachel:Tiny. The tiniest monkey.

Monica:And it would have already left.

Rachel:Gone! Left the apartment hours ago.

Animal Control Officer:Ma'am, if you continue to harbor illegal animals, we'll have to confiscate them.

Phoebe:Confiscate? What does that mean?

Animal Control Officer:We'll take the animals away.

Phoebe:Oh no! You can't take them! They're like my children!

Animal Control Officer:I'm sorry, but it's the law.

Phoebe:Well, if you're going to confiscate them, at least let me say goodbye. And maybe... you could confiscate me too? We should stay together.

Phoebe:I can't believe Monica told me that in confidence!

Monica:Phoebe, you literally told everyone at Central Perk within five minutes.

Phoebe:I know, I have a problem with that.

Monica:A problem? Phoebe, you're like a human loudspeaker. I'm amazed you haven't accidentally declared war on a small nation.

Luisa:Would it have been hard to say, 'Morning, Luisa' or 'Nice overalls'?

Luisa:Monica, I have to be honest with you. In high school, I was jealous of you because you were so perfect - the popular girl, the pretty one, everyone loved you.

Monica:Oh my God, really? I had no idea.

Luisa:Yeah, well, look at us now. You're still perfect, you're married to Chandler, you have a beautiful apartment... and I'm still jealous.

Monica:Aw, that's sweet—

Luisa:But honestly? At least now I know why. It's not because you're better than me. It's because you actually got your life together, and I'm still a mess.

Joey:Have you tried turning the knob?

Chandler:We tried that.

Joey:Well, that's all I got.

Chandler:I don't know anything about radiators, but I can use really big words to make it sound like I do.

Joey:Hot. Hot. Hot!

Chandler:Joey, no! Bad Joey! You don't approach women like that.

Joey:What? I was just saying hi!

Chandler:You were doing your little thing where you try to be all charming and it's just creepy. Here, I'm gonna treat you like the man-child you are.

Chandler:Every time you do that, you get a time out. You go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

Joey:Come on, man!

Chandler:No 'come on, man.' Time out. Now.

Phoebe:Oh my God! Oh my God, something just brushed against my leg!

Phoebe:Oh thank God, it's just my own leg. I thought it was Marcel.

Rachel:I know you're upset about Marcel, and I'm really sorry about my foot, but if it would make you feel better, I could break my other leg.

Rachel:I'm kicking this sign!

Ross:Yeah, that really helps us find Marcel.

Ross:Rachel, you have a problem. You're like a black hole of self-absorption. Everything revolves around you, and somehow you manage to suck the life out of everyone around you.

Phoebe:I can feel half my face... it's like I'm a beautiful disaster. I'm like a Picasso painting, but sexier.

Mr. Heckles:Because I eat them. I'm trying to get more potassium in my diet.

Mr. Heckles:That monkey is mine. I've had him for three years.

Chandler:Mr. Heckles, we found Marcel in the park. He's our monkey.

Mr. Heckles:Well, I've been taking care of him. Feeding him, bathing him, even letting him wear my nightgown.

Rachel:Your... nightgown?

Mr. Heckles:What? It's comfortable. And it looks good on him.

Luisa:You had to be a bitch in school, instead of fat.

Rachel:I'm calling your supervisor!

Animal Control Officer:Ma'am, I am the supervisor.

Rachel:Well, that's just aggressive.

Ross:He looks like a little man.

Rachel:What is that noise?

Ross:Oh, that's just Chandler and Monica. They're... uh... rearranging furniture.

Rachel:At 2 in the morning?

Ross:They're very committed to interior design.

Ross:Could you BE any more dramatic? Every time we try to have a moment, you show up with some crisis. Last week it was your dry cleaning, the week before that your tennis elbow.

Barry:But Ross, this time it's different! Monica said—

Ross:You know what? I'm installing a bell. A bell that only works when there's an actual emergency. And Barry? Your existence does not qualify.

Monica:I was a big girl!

Chandler:You didn't just block the sun, you *eclipsed* it.

Ross:Well, yeah, it was an all-boys school, so... you know, there were a lot of feelings, but nobody really talked about it.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! It's waking up! Oh, that tickles!