The One Where The Monkey Gets Away

Waiter:We have chamomile, peppermint, Earl Grey, jasmine, oolong, white tea, green tea, herbal infusions...

Chandler:Okay, okay, I'll just have coffee.

Waiter:Actually, I've been describing these to the guy behind you.

Chandler:Free coffee sample? Oh great, because I don't already spend enough time at coffee places.

Rachel:I mean, how many coffee shops can one neighborhood possibly need?

Monica:I mean, Barry is... he's really lucky to have had you as his fiancée.

Rachel:Monica!

Monica:I mean, you're lucky! You're so lucky to have had him as your fiancé. Because he was... great. At being a fiancé. To you.

Ross:Marcel, bring the rice. Come on, buddy.

Chandler:Is he going to do it?

Ross:He's doing it! He's doing it! Oh, wait... no, he's not doing it. He's doing something, but it's not... it's not the rice thing.

Ross:See, the key to monkey training is consistency and positive reinforcement. You have to establish a routine and stick to it, or they get confused and—

Rachel:

Ross:Rachel? Are you even listening to me?

Rachel:I'm declaring a penis embargo.

Monica:Did you just say 'penis embargo'?

Rachel:Yes. No men. It's official.

Monica:I have to tell you something about Ross. Something I've been keeping inside for years. The truth is—

Chandler:Monica, no!

Monica:What? I was just going to say—

Ross:Is this about the time I ate your sandwich?

Chandler:Come on, what's wrong with a chick flick? They're not that bad.

Joey:Not that bad? Dude, there's like no explosions, no car chases, nobody dies...

Ross:Yeah, and the dialogue is all about feelings and relationships. Where's the action?

Monica:Oh please, you guys love action movies with all their ridiculous plots. 'Oh look, one man just took down an entire army with a paperclip!'

Chandler:I could be watching 'Lou Grant' right now.

Monica:Lou Grant frolicking?

Chandler:Well, not frolicking exactly...

Chandler:Lou Grant

Monica:Hugh Grant

Joey:You're telling me you don't believe that?

Chandler:Oh wow, yeah, I don't believe that either. It's like, so unbelievable, you know? That's what I'm saying.

Ross:Rachel wants someone exactly like me.

Joey:Really? She told you that?

Ross:Well, not... not exactly like that. I may have... okay, I completely made up the part about her wanting someone like me.

Ross:I can't remember the last time a girl took care of my monkey.

Chandler:Woo? What are you, a 1940s radio announcer? 'And now, Ross attempts to woo the fair maiden Rachel.' Next thing you know you'll be asking her to go steady and offering her your class ring.

Rachel:Well, Victor is Erica's long-lost brother, and he's been in a coma for like three years. Oh, but he woke up last week, which was great! Except it turned out he was only taking it so he could get close enough to Erica to push her off a cliff.

Monica:Oh my God! Marcel!

Rachel:What? What happened?

Monica:He peed on my shoes!

Chandler:Well, I mean, he is a monkey.

Monica:I don't care! They're Chanel!

Rachel:Oh, thank you so much, Barry! What a wonderful wedding gift! A monkey! How did you know I always wanted a monkey?!

Rachel:And look, he pooped in my shoe! You shouldn't have!

Monica:What did you say about my shoes?

Rachel:I didn't say anything about your shoes, Monica. I said your entire fashion sense looks like you got dressed in the dark at a Pottery Barn clearance sale.

Phoebe:The monkey didn't run away. He's just on a spiritual journey to find himself.

Phoebe:Which one do you like?

Rachel:They're the same shoe, Phoebe.

Phoebe:No, which foot? Left is lucky.

Joey:Okay, okay, so if I were a lost monkey, where would I go?

Phoebe:Well, he'd probably want to see the sights. You know, Times Square, the Statue of Liberty...

Joey:Right, right. So he'd act like a tourist.

Phoebe:Exactly! He'd probably catch a Broadway show!

Monica:Okay, so I'll search the apartment, you search outside.

Rachel:Wait, what about the poop?

Monica:That's your job.

Rachel:What?! Why do I have to clean up poop?

Monica:Because you lost it.

Rachel:Fine. And what about when Ross finds out?

Monica:That's also your job.

Mr. Heckles:You took my waffle!

Monica:I wasn't ready for it.

Monica:Have you seen my monkey?

Mr. Heckles:I saw Yasmine Bleeth at the grocery store yesterday.

Monica:He's small, he's cute, he's got this little face with big eyes...

Deli Worker:On rye?

Monica:No! He's a monkey!

Rachel:We could go to Newark.

Ross:Newark? Have you been to Newark? It's like a war zone! There's nothing there but abandoned buildings and broken dreams. Why would anyone willingly go to Newark?

Ross:Hey, you know what? You're not incompetent. You just need practice. Maybe you should start with something simpler, like a plant or... a rock.

Rachel:A rock?

Ross:Well, you know, work your way up. Master inanimate objects first, then move on to animals.

Monica:No, there's no cat here.

Rachel:What about that thing on your head?

Monica:This? This is a hat.

Rachel:It has whiskers.

Monica:It's a very furry hat.

Phoebe:Wait, the monkey's going to jail?

Phoebe:How long is he gonna be in there? Because monkeys have a very hard time in prison.

Monica:Remember when I told you that you shouldn't just blurt things out?

Phoebe:Yeah, but my mouth gets there like twenty minutes before my brain does. It's like my mouth is in Manhattan and my brain is still in New Jersey.

Luisa:Would it have been hard to say, 'Morning, Luisa'... ...or 'Nice overalls'?

Luisa:Oh, I'm so sorry! It's not so much you. You were fat. You had your own problems. But you. What a bitch!

Monica:Come on, show some school spirit!

Luisa:Go team, go! We're number one!

Luisa:Just kidding, I hope you lose.

Joey:Have you seen a monkey around here?

Woman:A monkey? No. But do you know anything about getting rid of a stubborn water stain?

Chandler:I can help with that radiator. I have a lot of ideas.

Hot woman:Really? What should I do?

Chandler:Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Hot woman:That didn't work.

Chandler:Yeah, that's... that's all I got.

Joey:So my radiator's broken, right? But check it out — I told this girl my apartment has a really... sophisticated milieu. She was like, 'What?' I go, 'Yeah, you know, the whole milieu thing.' She goes, 'Do you mean... your radiator's broken?' I'm like, 'Exactly! The broken radiator — it's part of the milieu!'

Joey:She's very hot.

Joey:Very hot.

Joey:So this monkey got loose, right? And I've been searching all over the city trying to find it.

Joey:I've been putting up posters with a picture of the monkey, asking people if they've seen it.

Joey:But you know what? I've been getting a lot of calls from women saying they want to help me look.

Joey:So I figure, hey, while they're here, maybe they could pose for some photos with me. You know, for my portfolio.

Chandler:Joey, we need to talk about your behavior with women.

Joey:What? I'm just being friendly!

Chandler:Friendly? Joey, you hit on the delivery woman, the coffee shop girl, and Monica's boss. In one day.

Joey:So?

Chandler:So? That's it. No more. You're grounded.

Joey:What?

Chandler:You heard me. No going out. No auditions. You're going straight to your room.

Joey:Chandler, I'm 30 years old!

Chandler:And you're acting like you're 13. Now go to your room before I take away your headshots.

Phoebe:Oh my God! What was that?! Something just touched my leg!

Phoebe:Oh... it's just my other leg.

Phoebe:Oh. A tranquilizer dart. Well, that's not ideal.

Ross:Marcel is missing, my apartment's been robbed, and I just realized I think I broke my thumb!

Rachel:You know what? I'll break my foot too.

Rachel:I mean, I feel so guilty!

Rachel:Ow! Oh my God!

Ross:Oh wow, that really helped. I feel so much better now.

Rachel:I am not oblivious!

Ross:Rachel, you once asked a man to help you look for your keys. They were in your hand. You asked another man if he knew where Central Perk was. You were standing in it. And yesterday, you asked Monica if she'd seen your monkey. It's not your monkey, it's people's monkey!

Ross:Excuse me! Excuse me, are you the banana man?

Man:What? No, I'm just a guy with bananas.

Ross:Well, you've got bananas, and you're a man...

Phoebe:Oh my God, I can't feel my face. It's like my face broke up with me and moved to Connecticut.

Ross:Well, bananas are an excellent source of potassium and fiber. They're part of a balanced diet whether you have a monkey or not. It's just common sense to eat healthy.

Ross:Abu!

Organ grinder:Marcel!

Organ Grinder:I don't care about the monkey anymore. I just want my dress back.

Luisa:Ross, you were a geek in high school. You had the pocket protector, the glasses, the whole thing. You were not popular.

Ross:I was not a geek!

Luisa:You wore a chess club t-shirt to school. A chess club t-shirt.

Rachel:I was a cheerleader, I was on the homecoming court, I was in the school musical...

Rachel:Yeah, and Luisa was there too.

Rachel:You're being so childish.

Monica:We're adults. For the most part.

Rachel:If you don't help me with this monkey, I'm never speaking to you again!

Ross:Well, maybe if you add the right accessories...

Ross:Rachel, I got this wine from this really nice vineyard in Napa Valley. It's a 1982 Château Lafite Rothschild.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross, that sounds amazing!

Ross:Yeah, well, I was thinking we could share it. You know, it's very... grape.

Rachel:Grape?

Ross:Yes. Very grape.

Rachel:Oh my God, what is that noise?

Ross:I don't know, it sounds like it's coming from upstairs.

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Chandler:What? What is it?

Monica:It's just Joey moving his couch. He's trying to fit it through the stairwell.

Rachel:Oh.

Ross:That's it? We thought...

Chandler:Yeah, we thought someone was...

Monica:Having sex? Please, it's just a couch.

Barry:Rachel, I never stopped loving you. I know I made mistakes, but I want to be with you.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?

Barry:Barry Farber. And you are?

Ross:I'm... I'm the guy she's about to kiss.

Ross:I've tried everything - talking to them, leaving notes, even changing my schedule. Nothing works.

Chandler:What if you just told them directly to stop?

Ross:I did! They don't listen.

Monica:So what are you going to do?

Ross:Well, I've decided the only practical solution is to move my entire apartment to a different building.

Monica:Look at this picture from my high school play!

Chandler:Oh my God, you were in a play? What did you play, the entire cast?

Ross:I mean, I was a late bloomer, okay? I didn't even know what I wanted to do with my life until I was, like, twenty-three.

Chandler:Yeah, and look how that turned out.

Ross:What are you implying?

Chandler:I'm not implying anything. I'm just saying, you know, you were a little... confused in high school.

Ross:I was not confused! I was just... exploring my options!

Phoebe:I still can't feel my face.

Monica:Maybe that's a good thing.

Phoebe:Oh, I know what you mean. But I have a date tonight.