The One Where the Monkey Gets Away

You're not the guy that asked for tea, are you?

Oh, good. Because where else would we get any?

Oh, right.

Barry, who you almost... And Mindy, your maid of... Let me see. That's Mindy? She is pretty! Lucky... ...to have had a friend like you.

He's mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the.'

'Bring me the' and... Rach?

Whoa, what... What happened to 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole penis embargo?

In fact, it's funny. Often, someone you wouldn't think could... ...curl your toes... ...might just be the one who... ...gets interrupted.

I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with guns and bombs... ...and buses going really fast!

I don't need violence in a movie... ...as long as there's a little nudity. -There was nudity. -I meant female nudity. I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.

Hugh! Hugh Grant!

I can't believe we're discussing this. -I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.

She said she wants a relationship with someone exactly like me. She said that? I added the 'exactly like me' part.

I can't remember the last time a girl took care of my monkey.

Know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.

Now, she used to be a man. Look, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying.

Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?

Sorry, Barry. A little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that.

Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one? I don't know. The left one! Which ones? Those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.

Why is the air in here so negative?

Rachel lost Marcel. Oh, no! How? -He pooped in my shoe. -Which one? The cute black ones I always wear. No, which one? The right or left? Because the left one is lucky.

All right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? It's his first time out, so he'll do touristy things. I'll go to Cats. You go to the Russian Tea Room.

You stay here and wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe and wait for Ross to kill you. Does anybody want to trade?

I left a Belgian waffle out here. Did you take it? -Why'd you leave it in the hall? -I wasn't ready for it.

Have you seen a monkey? I saw Regis Philbin once.

He's a black capuchin monkey with a white face... ...with Russian dressing and pickles on the side.

Okay, but before we head off to the murder capital of the Northeast...

I know. I'm sorry. It's partially my fault. I shouldn't have had you start with a monkey. You should have started with a pencil.

You know, that was a complete misunderstanding. We thought we had a monkey, but we didn't. -Turned out it was a hat. -Cat!

Oh, my God! You'd put that poor little creature in jail?

Remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Yes, but there isn't always time.

Would it have been hard to say, 'Morning, Luisa'... ...or 'Nice overalls'?

Oh, I'm so sorry! It's not so much you. You were fat. You had your own problems. But you. What a bitch!

Go, Bobcats! I could. But I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine.

-A monkey. -Yes, have you seen any? No, I haven't seen a monkey. Can you fix radiators?

Sure! Did you try turning the knob back the other way? -Of course! -Oh. Then, no.

We may not know about radiators... ...but we do have expertise in the heating and cooling milieu.

Aren't we in the middle of something? But these women are very hot, and they need our help. And they're very hot!

He's this high and answers to the name Marcel. So if we could get pictures of you, it'd help us out.

From now on, you don't get to talk to other people.

Oh, it's okay. It was just my left leg.

Oh, gosh!

It's cold, it's dark. He doesn't know the Village! And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey and a broken foot!

You want me to break my foot too? I'll break it right now. Oh, my God! There, are you happy now? Yeah, now that you kicked the sign... ...I don't miss Marcel anymore!

It's not like I did this on purpose. No, this is just vintage Rachel. Things just sort of happen around you! You're off in 'Rachel Land,' doing your 'Rachel Thing'... ...oblivious to people's monkeys or to people's feelings and...

Hey, banana man!

This is so intense! One side of my butt is totally asleep and the other side has no idea.

-Then what's with the bananas? Potassium.

Are you insane? Come here, Marcel. Come here, Patty. Come here, Marcel. Come here, Patty. Here, monkey. Here, monkey!

That's not my monkey. The dress is mine. Send it back whenever.

All right, I want my monkey! -Oh, come on, Luisa. -Sorry, prom queen. You had to be a bitch in school, instead of fat.

In high school, I was prom queen... ...and the homecoming queen and you... ...were also there.

Heckles! Can I have this? For the most part.

All right. Then I'll call your supervisor and tell her... ...you shot my friend with a dart!

It'll be nice to get this off, won't it? Or we can leave it on. That's fine. With the right pumps, that would be a great little outfit.

Are you in the mood for something grape?

The neighbors must be vacuuming.

Barry? I can't do it. I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you.

We have got to start locking that door!

This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids? That's because I'm in front of them. Big nun! I thought that was an alp.

Well, I went to boarding school with 400 boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.

My butt cheek is waking up!