The One With The Evil Orthodontist

Character A:Mr. Peanut is clearly the superior choice. He's sophisticated, well-dressed, has a monocle.

Character B:Mr. Salty is more relatable. He's down to earth, literally just a pretzel.

Character A:Exactly! That's why Mr. Peanut wins. He represents aspiration. When I eat a peanut, I want to feel like I'm at a country club, not at a gas station.

Chandler:Oh come on, Mr. Peanut is way tougher than the Kool-Aid Man. He's got a monocle and a cane — that's old money confidence.

Joey:Are you kidding? The Kool-Aid Man literally bursts through walls. Mr. Peanut just stands there looking fancy.

Monica:Okay, but Mr. Peanut has been around since 1916. He's got staying power.

Ross:Actually, if you analyze their character arcs—

Rachel:Oh my God, are we seriously debating snack mascot toughness right now?

Chandler:Cornnuts? Those things are crazy.

Character D:There's a guy across the street looking at me through a telescope!

Character D:I feel violated.

Well, there's a good way to feel violated and a bad way to feel violated.

Chandler:Why is Ugly Naked Guy wearing gravity boots?

Joey:I don't know, but it's the most exercise he's gotten in years.

Chandler:So that was one of the greatest nights of my life.

Chandler:I can't let her know that I like her. If she knows I like her, she won't like me.

Character F:Do you think I seem needy?

No, not at all.

Character F:Really? Because I've been worried about that. Do you really think so?

Ross:You people and your relationships! It's like you're from another planet.

Chandler:It's the San Francisco treat!

Character I:No, interestingly, her leaf blower picked up.

Chandler:I can't leave messages. If I don't hear the beep, I don't know when to start talking.

Chandler:So I end up saying weird things like, 'Oh, hey! It's me! I'm on the machine!'

Chandler:So did she... did she break up with him?

Joey:No, no, she's still in there talking to him.

Chandler:Well, did he say anything?

Joey:No, he just asked if we wanted to get some coffee.

Chandler:Oh, so basically what you're saying is... she dumped him.

Completely unrelated pigeon observation

Chandler:I'm just a bill, yes I'm only a bill, and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill...

Rachel:So I went to the Russian Tea Room for lunch, and they had this incredibly elegant chicken dish.

Rachel:It was like... they took a chicken, killed it, plucked it, and threw it on a plate.

Character M:Not a good day for birds.

Monica:Did you just say 'nice' twice?

Rachel:No, I said it was 'nice' and then 'just nice.'

Monica:That's the same thing!

Rachel:No it's not! 'Just nice' is like... nice, but less.

Rachel:What's wrong with seeing Barry?

Monica:What's wrong with seeing Barry? He's married!

Rachel:I know.

Monica:And he's your boss!

Rachel:I know.

Monica:And you're still wearing his ring!

Joey:Wow, this is some serious dental equipment you got here.

Dentist:Yes, it's state-of-the-art. Now let's take a look at those teeth.

Joey:You know, I gotta say... I've always found dental hygienists really attractive.

Chandler:I wasn't working on it for two hours. I was honing it.

Monica:Honing? It's a message!

Chandler:I was just trying to sound busy. You know, like I had somewhere to be, something to do. The desperate attempt to seem like I have a life.

Chandler:Like I haven't been sitting here... honing for the last two hours?

Monica:I cook naked sometimes.

Chandler:Naked? Monica, you could get seriously hurt. What if you splash hot oil on yourself?

Monica:I'm careful!

Joey:Yeah, and what about when you're reaching for something in the back of the cabinet? Suddenly you're flashing the neighbors.

Rachel:Okay, but the real question is — what if someone stops by unexpectedly?

Ross:She cooks naked?!

Chandler:Hey, at least we know where the mashed potatoes have been.

Ross:That is not funny!

Rachel:So, how was it?

Barry:Well, I've had better.

Rachel:You've had better?

Barry:Well, sure. I mean, it was fine, but it wasn't... I don't know, spectacular or anything.

Rachel:Barry, I'm asking about Mindy!

Barry:I know! And like I said, she was fine, but not great. I mean, Todd from my office? Now that guy knows how to— well, you know.

Barry:So I'm thinking we should take a weekend getaway to Aruba.

Rachel:Aruba? Barry, that's where we were supposed to go for our honeymoon.

Barry:Yeah, I know. I went there last month. It's great.

Barry:We're thinking of going to Bermuda for our honeymoon. It's very romantic.

Rachel:That's nice.

Kid Patient:Why are you guys looking at each other like that? My mom and dad do that right before they lock their bedroom door.

Chandler:Can I use the phone?

Joey:You're holding it.

Chandler:Oh... right.

Chandler:Desperate, needy, pathetic... Hey, those aren't criticisms, those are my dating profile!

Joey:Just hang up and call back.

Chandler:I miss being needy and snubbed. Those were simpler times, when pathetic was just a level, not a lifestyle.

Rachel:What? Oh, this? I was... flossing and it just got tangled up in my hair.

Rachel:I had sex in the dentist chair.

Rachel:I know, I know — I was way too loud.

Rachel:Okay, okay. Look, if Carol came up to you right now and said, 'Ross, I'm gonna go have sex with someone else,' you would be fine with that, right?

Ross:No!

Rachel:Exactly! So why should I be fine with it?

Chandler:Hey, if you guys want to use my apartment, I can go... I can go to a movie or something.

Ross:Well, you can't compare apples and oranges.

Chandler:Why not? They're both fruits.

Ross:Because they're completely different!

Joey:Yeah, like... apples are round and red, oranges are round and orange.

Ross:Exactly!

Phoebe:It's like comparing a harmonica and a baked potato.

Ross:I can't, I have to get back to the apartment. I have so much to do.

Chandler:Like what?

Ross:Well, I have to organize my schedule.

Chandler:Your schedule for what?

Ross:To keep up with all the things I have to do!

Barry:It was just one time!

Mindy:Just one time? Barry, you cheated on me! How could you? I trusted you!

Monica:Get down!

Phoebe:Tonight!

Rachel:I feel terrible. I'm the other woman. I'm a horrible person.

Phoebe:No you're not! You're like the third woman. There's his wife, then there's you... you're not even in the top two!

Rachel:Mindy taught me how to kiss at camp.

Joey:Oh wow, lucky camp.

Chandler:I can't take my phone to the bathroom. What if someone calls while I'm in there? They'll know what I'm doing!

Chandler:And if I don't answer, they'll think I'm avoiding them. But if I do answer, I have to pretend I'm somewhere else. 'Oh hey! Yeah, I'm just... at the library. Reading. Very quietly.'

Chandler:Plus, what if I accidentally pocket-dial someone? The last thing I need is a voicemail of... bathroom sounds.

Ross:Do you have any pride?

Chandler:Not a shred.

Chandler:I know, I know. My phone died. Well, not died exactly. More like I may have... accidentally... sat on it.

Chandler:And then, you know, in my panic to retrieve it, I may have stepped on it. Multiple times.

Chandler:It was a very tragic accident. Very tragic. The kind of accident that could only happen if someone was really, really trying to make their phone stop working.

Chandler:No, I'm fine. I'm just doing a little dance. You know, for fun. Because I enjoy dancing.

Mindy:Not like when I asked if those red pants made my ass look big.

Mindy:My oldest friend is Laurie. She's bitter because she's never been able to find a man who treats her right.

Rachel:Oh my God, that's so great! I'm so excited! This is going to be the best wedding ever! I'm going to make sure everything is perfect. We're going to have the most amazing bachelorette party, and I'm going to give the most beautiful maid of honor speech, and—

Mindy:Since the engagement, he's acted weird. And then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel.

Mindy:I think Barry is cheating on me.

Mindy:Wait... oh my God. I was the other woman.

Mindy:You're so stupid!

Rachel:I'm stupid? You're the one who—

Mindy:Oh my God. We're doing it right now, aren't we?

Rachel:Doing what?

Mindy:This. Fighting like we always do. Like we're the same person.

Rachel:We're nothing alike.

Mindy:Exactly. That's what I said too.

Rachel:Smell this. It's Chanel No. 5.

Mindy:Oh my God, that's amazing!

Rachel:I know. I found it in Barry's car.

Chandler:Ring! Ring! RING!

Chandler:Wait, I actually did turn it off.

Ross:So you turned off your phone, and then spent the last twenty minutes freaking out about whether you turned off your phone?

Chandler:Yes.

Ross:That's not ironic, that's just you being an idiot.

Phoebe:Rdr

Monica:Wait, the peeper is a woman?

Phoebe:Yeah, her name is Sidney.

Monica:Oh my God, I just assumed... I mean, I didn't think women did that.

Phoebe:Well, Sidney does. And she's very defensive about it.

Monica:A woman with a telescope is looking at you through your window.

Rachel:Oh my God, what is she seeing? Do I look okay?

Monica:Why do you have eleven towels in your bathroom?

Rachel:Well, I need different towels for different things. I have one for my hair, one for my face, one for my body, one for my feet...

Monica:Rachel, that's insane.

Rachel:No it's not! You can't use the same towel for your feet that you use for your face. That's gross!

Rachel:Barry, we need to talk about what happened.

Mindy:Yeah, this is serious.

Barry:What? What are you two doing here together?

Rachel:We ran into each other and realized we've both been seeing you.

Barry:What? No, that's... how did you even... when would I have time for...?

Mindy:Barry, you proposed to Rachel.

Barry:I know, but... I mean, logistics-wise, I don't even know how that would work.

Rachel:That's it? That's your big apology? You're apologizing to both of us the exact same way?

Monica:Yeah, what did you do to her that you're doing to me?

Barry:I... I don't know what you mean. I'm sorry for what I did.

Rachel:You don't even know what you did, do you?

Mindy:Oh my God, he didn't even notice the second time either!

Rachel:There were two times.

Rachel:Well, he's never been very good.

Rachel:Barry, you've mentioned Aruba like five times in the last ten minutes.

Barry:So? It's a beautiful place.

Rachel:Beautiful? Barry, there are beautiful places everywhere. Why is it always Aruba? Do you have a thing for Aruba? Did Aruba break your heart?

Barry:No, I just think—

Rachel:Because you're acting like Aruba stole your husband or something.

Barry:Just wait here, I have to handle an emergency.

Rachel:We're fine.

Chandler:We're not fine. We're very not fine.

Rachel:I'm going to go tell Barry off. I'm going to walk right up to him and tell him exactly what I think of him.

Mindy:That's great! You go get 'em!

Rachel:Yeah, and then I'm going to tell him about the time he said my hair looked better when I had it permed.

Mindy:Go ahead, knock it out of the park!

Rachel:I'm actually kind of looking forward to this.

Rachel:Oh my God, Barry, I can't marry you.

Rachel:I mean, I'm sorry, but I just realized I'm not ready to spend the rest of my life with you.

Rachel:And besides, you're a male nurse. I mean, what does that even mean?

Rachel:And you wear those little white shoes and that white uniform, and I just can't see myself married to a man in a nurse's outfit.

Mindy:I'm going to marry Barry. He's got a great job, he's very successful, and I love him. But most importantly, I want to be called 'Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, MD.'

Rachel:Oh my God, yes! I would love to be your maid of honor. I just have one request—when we get to the part where the priest asks if anyone objects, I'm going to stab anyone who raises their hand.

Character Q · Character R:I'll give you this: Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. He's got the monocle, he's got the top hat... Did you know he's gay?

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. Mr. Peanut is gay?

Joey:Well, he's never been married.

Monica:He wears a monocle and a top hat!

Phoebe:And he's always so well-groomed.

Ross:Guys, we don't know that Mr. Peanut is gay.

Rachel:Why does it matter? If he is, good for him!

Danielle:I haven't heard from you in three days! I was worried sick!

Chandler:Needy! You're being so needy right now.

Danielle:Needy? I'm checking on you because I care!

Chandler:Yeah, well, three days ago I would've killed for this level of attention. But now? Classic needy behavior.