The One With The Ick Factor

Monica:Okay, fine. I had a dream about you.

Monica:And it was... sexual.

Monica:I had this dream about you last night.

Chandler:Oh yeah? Was I good?

Monica:You were amazing.

Chandler:Well, I'm gonna need that in writing. And could you make it on official letterhead? I'd like to show it to my boss.

Monica:I had a sex dream about you last night.

Ross:Was I good?

Monica:You were really good in my dream last night.

Ross:Oh yeah? Well in my dreams I'm always showing up to work naked and unprepared for a lecture.

Monica:That's just called being a professor.

Ross:No, in my dreams I'm actually worried about it.

Ross:So how was it?

Monica:Well, let's just say you're not exactly a Stickley.

Ross:You know what? Fine. Yes. I had a dream about Rachel. There, I said it.

Ross:And yes, it was sexual. Happy now? Should I also tell you what position we were in? Because I can do that too if it would make this less awkward.

Monica:I'm sorry about that dream. That wasn't me, that was my subconscious.

Chandler:So your subconscious is cheating on me?

Monica:No! My subconscious would never do that. It's just... it has its own thing going on.

Rachel:Can you see me operating the drill press?

Chandler:I can see you, and I have to say, those safety goggles are really doing something for you.

Chandler:My secretary's out. She's getting a breast reduction.

Chandler:So I guess you could say it's a big boob story... just not the kind she was hoping for.

Phoebe:So what does the secretary job entail?

Chandler:Well, you'd be answering phones, scheduling meetings, filing...

Chandler:And it's probably not the right fit for you.

Phoebe:Why not?

Chandler:Because you're... you know... you.

Chandler:Hey, I just got a page from the dinosaur museum. Apparently, all the dinosaurs are still extinct. They're very upset.

Chandler:55-JIMBO? That's not a beeper number, that's a baby name.

Monica:He's our age.

Chandler:Wait, what? How is he our age? He looks like he's twelve.

Monica:He's not twelve, Chandler.

Chandler:Well, he could be our age and just look really young. But more importantly, why would you say he's our age if he's clearly not our age?

Ross:Monica, there's no way you can pass for 22.

Monica:Why not? I could totally pull it off.

Chandler:Yeah, if you were 22... years ago.

Monica:Oh, come on!

Ross:Mon, be realistic. You're...

Chandler:Thirty-seven?

Monica:I'm not thirty-seven!

Chandler:I know. You're thirty-eight. But you'll always be thirty-seven to me.

Phoebe:Can you hear that?

Chandler:Yes, I can hear it. It's the phone. When it makes that noise, it means someone is trying to talk to you. You pick it up like this, and then you say hello.

Phoebe:Good morning, Chandler Bing's office. This is his secretary speaking.

Phoebe:How may I direct your call today?

Phoebe:He's in a meeting right now, can I take a message?

Chandler:I'm not in a meeting, I'm right here!

Phoebe:He says he's not in a meeting, but he's lying. He's very much in a meeting.

Chandler:Phoebe, I'm standing right next to you!

Phoebe:He's getting very upset, the meeting's not going well.

Chandler:So what do you think I should do next at work?

Phoebe:I don't know, whatever you want.

Phoebe:Hey, um, can someone bring me a sandwich? I'm starving. Oh, and does anyone know if my hair looks okay today? I'm thinking of getting bangs.

Monica:Did I turn the fish? I turned the fish. I definitely turned the fish. Wait, did I turn it on both sides? Of course I turned it on both sides. Why would I only turn it on one side? That doesn't make any sense. Although... what if I only turned it halfway? No, no, I turned it. I'm sure I turned it. Pretty sure. Okay, I'm checking the fish.

Monica:I'm not planning on sex happening.

Rachel:Uh-huh.

Ross:Hello?

Voice on Phone:Is this 555-0147?

Ross:Yes, but I think you have the wrong number.

Voice on Phone:Aren't you available?

Ross:Available for what?

Voice on Phone:For a date.

Ross:Oh! Oh no, I'm a paleontologist.

Ross:Hello? Yes, this is he. No, I'm not interested in that. No. No, absolutely not. Look, I don't know how you got this number, but I am NOT a service. I'm a paleontologist!

Chandler:Did you just say you're NOT a service?

Ross:Yes!

Chandler:Because that might be the problem.

Ross:Oh my God. My beeper number is one digit off from a sex line.

Chandler:Which digit?

Ross:The last one.

Chandler:So what happens when someone tries to reach you?

Ross:They get connected to this 900 number and they think I'm... well, they think my name is Jumbo.

Chandler:Jumbo?

Ross:I have to spell it out on my answering machine message!

Ross:No, no, you've reached the right number. This is 55-JUMBO.

Ross:Well, the name is kind of misleading.

Chandler:Why didn't you mention that you knew me?

Phoebe:Well, I didn't want your employees to know that I knew you. They all think you're a jerk.

Chandler:What?

Phoebe:Yeah, they were like, 'Don't tell Chandler you know Phoebe. He's a mean guy.'

Chandler:So you're saying there's no one at work who likes me?

Phoebe:Well, let me think... No. No, I'm pretty sure it's everyone.

Chandler:Everyone? Not even Janet from accounting?

Phoebe:Oh, especially not Janet.

Phoebe:You know, ever since Chandler got promoted, people treat him so differently. First they called him 'The Man,' then 'The Big Cheese,' then 'The Kahuna.'

Phoebe:Now they're calling him 'Lord Chandler the Magnificent, Keeper of the Sacred Spreadsheets.'

Phoebe:Oh yeah, they do this thing where they go like... 'Could I BE any more... [pauses awkwardly] ...something something?' It's hilarious.

Ross:Could I BE any more... into this conversation?

Ross:I mean... why would I even... try?

Joey:Oh, could this sandwich BE any more delicious?

Ross:I'm not eating this, it has lettuce on it. Lettuce!

Phoebe:Could the mayonnaise BE any more threatening to my existence?

Monica:This coffee is TOO hot. Why would they make it this temperature?

Rachel:Is this chicken? Or is it fish? I genuinely cannot tell.

Chandler:I do not sound like that!

Chandler:Could I BE any more offended right now?

Monica:I thought 'gunpoint' was an actual place. Like, 'He robbed a store at gunpoint,' and I was like, 'Why would anyone go to Gunpoint? It sounds terrible!'

Ethan:Monica, I have something to tell you.

Monica:Oh my God, what? Are you okay? Is it your job? Did something happen to your family? Oh God, you're not sick, are you? You're not moving away, are you? Did you... did you cheat on me?

Monica:My range goes from early class to goat marriage.

Ethan:So where does virginity fall in that range?

Monica:Are you a virgin?

Ethan:I'm not familiar with that term. Is that some new slang?

Ethan:I practice a lot.

Monica:I'm not 22.

Monica:I'm 22 and ten months.

Ethan:I'm a high school senior.

Chandler:That's great! So you're heading to college soon?

Ethan:Well, actually, I still have three more years.

Monica:Wait, how old are you?

Ethan:I'm 17.

Monica:17?! Oh my God. When I was your age, I was... I was dating you!

Monica:Wait, how old are you?

Ethan:I'm seventeen.

Monica:Seventeen?! Oh my God!

Ethan:Yeah, but I'm very mature for my age.

Monica:That's not the point! I'm twenty-six!

Ethan:I know, that's hot.

Monica:No! This is insane. You're just a kid.

Ethan:I'm not a kid. I'm almost eighteen. Plus, I'm a virgin, and I really need to not be.

Ethan:You lied about your age too.

Monica:That's different. I'm an adult lying about being older. You're a kid lying about being younger. Do you know what that makes me?

Monica:Oh my God, I'm that woman. I'm dating a Chad.

Monica:I have a Chad. I'm a Chad woman.

Monica:I'm like Joan Collins! I'm dating a younger man!

Chandler:No, you're not like Joan Collins. Joan Collins is old.

Monica:I'm like Joan Collins.

Ethan:Who's Joan Collins?

Monica:Exactly.

Ross:So what, I'm like the guy who brings the stuff?

Ross:I'm the guy who sets up the environment?

Ross:So how would that even work?

Monica:Well, sometimes you weren't even in it.

Rachel:Wait, so you're not seeing Ethan anymore? But Monica, he was so... he had that thing.

Monica:I know, but it wasn't working out.

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica! You can't just break up with someone because of a thing. That's like saying you're breaking up with someone because they failed gym class. Everyone fails gym!

Joey:Wait, so you're not seeing him anymore?

Joey:But what about that new Britney Spears album? Is it any good?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You guys don't understand. Power Rangers is art.

Chandler:Joey, it's a show for five-year-olds.

Joey:Exactly! Five-year-olds and me. We're on the same wavelength.

Ross:That's not something to brag about.

Joey:Come on, just give it a chance. I'll be the Red Ranger.

Chandler:Absolutely not.

Ross:Yeah, no way.

Joey:Fine, but when you see me in my suit, you're gonna be begging to join the team.

Chandler:The only thing I'll be begging is for you to take it off.

Phoebe:Oh, they're having an extravaganza without you? That's so mean. Although, I have to say, it sounds like they really hate you.

Phoebe:You should totally come to the party!

Chandler:Really? That's nice of you to invite me.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm not inviting you. I'm just saying you should come. There's a difference.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you think karaoke made you likeable? Chandler, you sang 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' off-key for seven minutes.

Phoebe:The only thing that changed is now people call you 'that guy' instead of just ignoring you.

Phoebe:Actually, my boss has like fifteen names for you now. He calls you 'Karaoke Catastrophe.' Sometimes 'The Tone-Deaf Terror.' Last week it was 'Chandler, Lord of the Broken Notes.'

Phoebe:This morning he called you 'The Man Who Murdered Show Tunes.'

Ross:I don't answer my beeper for non-emergency calls. You never know when you might overhear something you shouldn't.

Chandler:Like what?

Ross:Like when my parents call and I pick up in the middle of... you know.

Ethan:Okay, I have to tell you something. I'm not actually 17.

Ethan:I'm 15.

Ethan:And I'm not actually in high school.

Ethan:I'm homeschooled.

Ethan:And I'm not actually homeschooled.

Ethan:My mom just keeps me in the basement.

Ethan:And I'm not actually a boy.

Ethan:I'm a golden retriever.

Monica:We can't be together. The age difference is just too much.

Monica:I mean, unless you were born in the Renaissance or something.

Phoebe:Could I BE any more of a... a... a thing?

Chandler:Why do you keep doing that?

Phoebe:Because it cracks me up every time!

Chandler:Alright, listen up everyone. I've decided that from now on, I'm going to be more assertive. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Chandler:In fact, I'm implementing a new policy: everyone has to laugh at my jokes, whether they're funny or not.

Chandler:And if anyone disagrees with me, they're fired. Well, not actually fired, but socially ostracized, which is basically the same thing.

Rachel:Oh my God!

Ross:I know, I know!

Rachel:What are you doing here?!

Ross:I've been here the whole time.

Ross:I got hit by a bus.

Monica:What?!

Ross:I got hit by a bus.

Monica:Rachel, what are you doing? We're going to the hospital.

Rachel:I know, but what if there's a cute doctor?

Monica:Rachel!

Rachel:What? I'm just saying, if I'm going to be in a hospital gown, I want to look good for the staff.