The One With The Birth

Ross:The placenta was still attached and—

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ross! We don't need the play-by-play!

Joey:When I have a kid, I'm gonna be one of those guys who's really involved, you know? I'm gonna go to all the baseball games, help with the homework...

Chandler:That's great, Joe.

Joey:Yeah, and I'll teach him to throw a ball, and... and how to talk to girls.

Monica:Joey, that's really sweet.

Joey:And when he comes home with a girl, I'll just be sitting there cleaning my gun.

Chandler:Oh wow, a cigar. You know, that's a really good way to tell the world 'I have no idea what decade I'm living in.'

Chandler:Hey, hey, hey! Eight to the inch!

Ross:Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! No wait, because it was... um... it wanted to prove it wasn't a number!

Monica:Ross, you can't do Chandler. Just stop.

Monica:Why did you bring a guitar to the hospital?

Phoebe:Well, you never know when you're gonna have a spontaneous musical moment. Like, what if someone needs a song? What if the baby comes out and it's all traumatized from being born, and I can soothe it with a little melody?

Ross:Where have you been? You're in active labor!

Carol:We stopped for candy.

Ross:You stopped for candy? During active labor?

Susan:They were out of the good kind.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that Chandler chose Chunky over Rachel?

Ross:Chunky! A candy bar!

Ross:He picked a CANDY BAR over my sister!

Ross:What is wrong with him?! What is WRONG with him?!

Susan:Yeah, that's a great bumper sticker.

Dr. Franzblau:I've been thinking of having a baby.

Chandler:Well, that's a good start.

Doctor:How are the contractions coming along?

Carol:Oh, they're great! I'm having a party every five minutes. It's a real blast!

Ross:It's not 'it's', it's 'it is'. The contraction is 'it's' with an apostrophe between the 't' and the 's'.

Chandler:Ross, your arm is falling off!

Ross:Yes, well, it IS falling off. And look at my Rolex—still keeping perfect time.

Ross:I need some ice chips.

Dr. Franzblau:I'll get them for you.

Susan:No, I'll get them for you.

Ross:That's okay, either one of you—

Dr. Franzblau:I'm getting the ice chips!

Susan:No, I'm getting them!

Rachel:So Ross is my ex, but we have a son together, and now he's married to Emily, who is the sister of my boyfriend Tag, except Tag and I broke up, and now I'm dating Joey, but Joey is also sleeping with Chandler's girlfriend Monica, who is actually married to Chandler, and Ross is also Monica's brother...

Dr. Franzblau:I see. Well, my wife's sister is married to my wife's brother, who is my wife's other brother's roommate, and my wife's brother is having an affair with my wife's sister's best friend, who is also my therapist's ex-husband's current wife's cousin...

Monica:I want a baby!

Chandler:Okay!

Monica:We should get coffee.

Chandler:Yes, because we haven't had coffee in like... four minutes.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! Look at that! He's falling down! That's what I call a slam dunk!

Joey:Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to play basketball, but what do I know?

Lydia:Yeah, well, she couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if she was standing inside it.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well, the Celtics are so bad, they... they make the Knicks look like... wait, no, that doesn't work.

Joey:Where's the father? We need to get the father!

Lydia:There is no father.

Joey:What do you mean there's no father? There's always a father.

Lydia:Not in this case.

Joey:Well... this is awkward.

Phoebe:And then the baby grew up and resented his mother for the choices she made...

Ross:Thank you so much for that incredibly depressing song.

Phoebe:Oh, you're welcome! Although, I should tell you - people usually have to pay me to stop.

Monica:Wait, they're twins? How is that fair? I've been trying to have a baby for years and she just gets two?

Chandler:And if by some miracle you're not married by the time you're 40, I will marry you.

Monica:What do you mean 'if by some miracle'?!

Monica:So when are you getting married?

Chandler:Monica, we've talked about this.

Monica:I know, but I'm ready now. Aren't you?

Chandler:Yes, eventually.

Monica:Eventually? What does that mean? A year? Two years?

Chandler:I don't know, Monica.

Monica:You know what? You're fundamentally unmarriable. That's just who you are as a person.

Chandler:I'm like a guy on a sinking ship who keeps rearranging the deck chairs. Monica's great, but nobody's buying tickets.

Monica:Why are you so interested in doctors?

Rachel:I don't know what you're talking about.

Monica:Come on, you've been asking about every doctor you meet.

Rachel:So?

Monica:So... you like doctors!

Rachel:Okay, fine. I like doctors. Is that so bad?

Lydia's Mother:Who is this?

Lydia:Mom, this is Joey.

Lydia's Mother:Joey who?

Joey:Joey Tribbiani. We've met like... five times.

Joey:Wow, she hung up on you. That's a little rude.

Joey:You know, having a kid, it's gonna change your life. But in a good way. You're gonna have someone to love unconditionally.

Lydia:That's nice, but I didn't ask for your advice.

Roy:Is this Lydia?

Joey:No, this is Joey. But you can rent me by the hour.

Lydia:I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse and a helper guy.

Joey:So who won?

Lydia:My team did! You know, I have to say, I was wrong about those guys earlier. They're actually pretty good.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. You changed it? To Jordy? But we agreed on Emma!

Rachel:I know, but I was thinking—

Ross:You were thinking? We had a spreadsheet, Rachel. A COLOR-CODED spreadsheet. With footnotes. I have three backup copies in a safe deposit box.

Rachel:It's just a name—

Ross:Just a name?! Do you remember the negotiation process? Seventeen meetings. I created a PowerPoint presentation. We eliminated Jordan because it's unisex, we ruled out Jordy because it's 'too casual,' and now... now you're telling me you picked Jordy?

Susan:She gets the massage, I get the nausea.

Carol:I'm going to push the baby out now.

Susan:That's it? That's all you have to say?

Carol:What do you want me to say? I'm having a baby. It's coming out.

Ross:Oh my God, oh my God! The water just broke! We're gonna explode!

Susan:Ross, that's not what that means.

Ross:This is all your fault!

Susan:My fault? Maybe if you'd been a better boyfriend, Carol wouldn't have needed to leave you for a woman.

Phoebe:You guys, you guys! Stop fighting. Do you know what the babies' first impression of the world is gonna be? Fighting noises!

Phoebe:Ross, Susan, you need to listen to me. I'm very disappointed in both of you.

Phoebe:Why do I sound like my mother right now? This is freaking me out.

Susan:Yeah, that's gonna work. Just keep banging on it like that.

Monica:Ross is doing great!

Monica:Well, okay, he's doing fine.

Monica:Actually, he's okay.

Monica:He's... he's gone.

Monica:I don't want babies. I'm not interested in having kids.

Monica:*hears baby cooing sounds* Oh my God... *immediately tears up* I need a baby so badly!

Monica:Where have you been? I haven't seen you in days!

Joey:Oh, yeah, I got married.

Dr. Franzblau:I have trouble dating.

Rachel:Oh please, you're a doctor. Women love that.

Doctor:You know, my work is like a cup of coffee. It's hot, it's bitter, and it keeps me up all night.

Rachel:That's... that's a really great analogy.

Roy:Is this the woman having your baby?

Joey:No, no, no. It's a loaner.

Susan:I feel like no one in your family acknowledges me or my relationship with Carol.

Ross:What are you talking about? We celebrate your relationship every day.

Susan:Really?

Ross:Yeah, it's called Lesbian Visibility Day.

Phoebe:You know, I've been thinking about my whole family situation, and I realize it's not so bad. I mean, sure, my mom had me with my stepfather, and then she married my biological father, and then... okay, it's confusing. But you know what? I have so much love in my life. Some people don't have any parents, and I have like... four. That's abundance!

Ross:I can't find the, uh... the thing that goes... *makes vague gesturing motions* ...you know, the medical part.

Ben:Hi, I'm Ben. Ben Parker. I work here at the hospital.

Ben:But by night, I fight crime as... Spider-Man!

Ben:Wait, that's not right either.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh my God! There's a dead bird in there!

Phoebe:Oh my God, is he okay? He's stuck half in, half out!

Dr. Franzblau:Okay people, I need everyone except the father out of the delivery room.

Chandler:That would be me.

Dr. Franzblau:Actually, I'm going to need you to wait outside too. You're making me very uncomfortable.

Chandler:So the doctor said I can't have caffeine anymore.

Chandler:But there's an exemption for people with my condition.

Chandler:So I asked him, 'Do I qualify?' And he said, 'No, you're just nervous.'

Ross:Oh my God. Oh my God. That's not coming out of there!

Monica:What does he look like?

Ross:Well, he's got Monica's eyes, and my nose, and he's got this weird, angry expression on his face...

Monica:Aww!

Ross:Yeah, he looks like an old man. Like an angry old man who's mad that we woke him up.

Phoebe:We made it up.

Ross:You made up the name?

Carol:We were trapped in the cabin during the storm.

Susan:We needed a story, so we invented the whole thing.

Phoebe:Yeah, we just made up a name to cover for being stuck there.

Rachel:Oh my God, he looks just like you!

Joey:Really?

Rachel:No, not at all.

Joey:Hey, I still act like a baby and I don't have one of those things!

Monica:Hi! I'm Aunt Monica. And I'm gonna be the cool aunt who always has gum.

Monica:You're gonna love me.

Ross:Hey buddy, Daddy's here now. Daddy's always here for you.

Ross:Well, except Tuesdays and Thursdays when I coach little league.

Ross:And the occasional weekend when there's a really important dinosaur thing.

Ross:But other than that, Daddy's here.

Chandler:Hey, Jack! Jack! Come on, buddy, look at me. Jack!

Monica:He's three months old.

Chandler:So what does the baby do?

Ross:Well, right now he sleeps most of the time.

Chandler:Oh, that's great! So it's like living with Monica!