The One With The Thumb

Phoebe:Translation: "You will never see me naked"

Phoebe:When a guy says 'I need some space,' he means 'I need to see other people.' When he says 'It's not you, it's me,' he means 'It's totally you.' And when he says 'We should just be friends,' he means 'I'm going to sleep with your best friend.'

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! I know this one. 'I'm dating leather-wearing alcoholics.' That's what that means.

Phoebe:Oh, oh, oh! I know what that means! That's the language of someone who's already cheating on you!

Monica:You know how people tell kids their pet went to live on a farm when it actually dies?

Chandler:Yeah, to make it easier on them.

Monica:Well, my parents did that with me. Turns out my brother actually went to live on a farm.

Monica:I'm just saying, sometimes parents tell their kids things that aren't exactly true. Like when I was little, they told me our dog went to a farm.

Ross:Well, actually, he did go to a farm. I was there.

Ross:Well, you see, when a farm animal gets old, they take it to this special place...

Monica:Oh my God, Ross... they're not sending it to a farm.

Ross:What?

Monica:They're putting it down.

Ross:Wait... Chi-Chi didn't go to a farm, did she?

Ross:Oh my God. Oh my God, no.

Ross:Chi-Chi's dead.

Monica:That was... really good!

Joey:Really?

Monica:No, not at all.

Monica:Well, of course he smokes alone. Have you seen his apartment?

Monica:No, no, no, Joey. You're not inhaling properly. You have to breathe it in like this.

Joey:Like this? I'm doing it like this.

Monica:No, deeper. You're supposed to feel it in your lungs.

Joey:Oh! Oh! I feel it! I feel it now! This is amazing! Why didn't anyone tell me about this before? It's like... it's like I've been incomplete my whole life, and now I'm finally whole.

Monica:Joey, it's just a cigarette.

Joey:Just a cigarette?! Monica, this is my destiny. This is what I was meant to find.

Monica:You know, I think cigarettes are like a lot of things in life. They seem really great when you're young and stupid, and then you realize they're just going to kill you.

Joey:So you don't miss it?

Monica:No! God, no. I'm so much healthier now. My skin is better, my hair is shinier, I can actually taste food...

Joey:Really?

Monica:I would kill for a cigarette right now.

Phoebe:Well, I mean, it's not really about the size, it's about how you use it.

Rachel:Okay, but like, what IS the average?

Phoebe:I dunno, like... *gestures* ...six inches?

Rachel:Six inches? That's like a pencil!

Phoebe:Exactly! That's why I always carry one in my purse.

Joey:Wait, which thumb?

Phoebe:Oh, you're back! Let me guess... venti caramel macchiato with an extra shot, oat milk, light ice, and a sprinkle of cinnamon on top?

Customer:Wow, yeah! How did you remember that?

Phoebe:Oh, I have this weird thing where I can remember any order someone orders once. It's like a superpower, except it only works at coffee shops and also I can see dead people.

Phoebe:Oh my God, there's $1,200 extra in my account!

Ross:That's great! Did you call the bank?

Phoebe:No, I'm keeping it. It's like the universe is rewarding me.

Ross:Phoebe, that's not how banks work. There's probably an error.

Phoebe:Well, maybe Satan made the error.

Ross:Satan? Why would Satan—

Phoebe:Because he owes me!

Phoebe:Keeping the money would be like stealing.

Rachel:No, it would be like shopping.

Phoebe:I can't keep the money. I mean, what if the shoes are right and they're not mine? What if I'm wearing someone else's shoes and they're just, like, screaming at me in shoe language, 'These aren't yours! These aren't yours!' And I'm like, 'I know, I know, but they're so comfortable!'

Phoebe:Even happy skipping would be ruined by guilt

Phoebe:I know, I know. I feel terrible. I should have told you. I was going to tell you, but then I thought, 'No, Phoebe, don't tell her,' and then I thought, 'Yes, Phoebe, tell her,' and then I didn't know what to do, so I just... didn't do anything.

Monica:Phoebe. Phoebe. PHOEBE.

Monica:I'm so proud of you for not smoking.

Chandler:Well, temptation is my reward.

Chandler:Could I BE any more addicted to cigarettes?

Chandler:Actually, you know what? If I quit now, I'm just going to start again when I'm older. So I might as well just keep smoking now and skip the quitting part later.

Ross:No, no, no, he's a really nithe guy. A really nithe, thensitive guy.

Monica:You guys are like predatory coyotes. You circle around, you wait for the right moment, and then you attack.

Phoebe:You know, I've seen a lot of bad beef in my time.

Monica:Ross, you have to stop bringing up Chi-Chi. It's been three weeks.

Ross:I know, I know. It's just... we were talking about pizza toppings and I thought about how Chi-Chi loved pepperoni.

Monica:That has nothing to do with pizza toppings!

Ross:I'm aware of that now, Monica.

Monica:Promise me you'll be good.

Chandler:I promise.

Chandler:Hey, look who decided to show up with a filter tip little buddy.

Monica:Chandler, you're not smoking those in my apartment!

Phoebe:I tried to tell them! I said, 'Excuse me, your computer made a mistake,' but they didn't believe me.

Bank Manager:Ms. Buffay, we sincerely apologize. As a token of our appreciation for your patience, please accept this complimentary gift.

Phoebe:A football-shaped phone? What am I supposed to do with this?

Bank Manager:It's the latest in modern banking convenience.

Phoebe:But I don't even like football. And my old phone worked fine before you people broke your computer!

Alan:He also has a lisp, explaining the earlier Steve comment

Monica:I know you're all going to hate Alan, so I just want to say—

Chandler:Are you kidding? Alan's great!

Joey:Yeah, he's awesome!

Phoebe:I love him.

Rachel:He's so sweet.

Ross:Monica, what are you talking about? Everyone likes Alan.

Chandler:I know I'm supposed to make fun of Alan, but I can't. We all liked him.

Phoebe:His smile is so crooked, it's like... 'Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again'... because his face is all lopsided!

Ross:Well, Alan certainly has established an exemplary standard of conduct that, I would posit, places the benchmark at a rather elevated altitude.

Rachel:I would marry someone for a Hasselhoff impression.

Monica:You guys won? How is that even possible?

Joey:What? We're athletes, Monica.

Monica:You once pulled a muscle reaching for the remote.

Chandler:Alan dominated the game. He was like He-Man, Master of the Universe.

Ross:They beat a team of Hasidic jewelers

Monica:I don't know, he's just... too Alan.

Rachel:Monica, what does that even mean? 'Too Alan'?

Monica:You know, he's Alan-ing all over the place!

Ross:You can never be too much yourself.

Chandler:Wait, wait. So you're saying Alan is too Alan?

Monica:Exactly! He's like the most Alan person I've ever met.

Chandler:Well, have you considered that maybe Alan-ness is actually a desirable quality? Like, what if we're all just not Alan enough?

Joey:Dude, I don't even know what Alan-ness is.

Chandler:Exactly! That's your problem right there.

Joey:Wait, wait. So you're telling me Alan is so Alan that I could just... drink him?

Rachel:Joey, no—

Joey:Because I'm thirsty, and Alan seems refreshing.

Phoebe:Hey, I brought you some alphabet soup. Sometimes the letters spell out words, sometimes they're just letters.

Phoebe:It's like that thing they teach you in school — sometimes Y, you know?

Lizzy:Will you give me five dollars?

Phoebe:What for?

Lizzy:I'll stop following you.

Phoebe:Oh, okay. Here's ten dollars.

Phoebe:Oh my God, oh my God! There's a thumb in here! A tiny little hitchhiker!

Phoebe:Oh my God, oh my God! There's a thumb in my soda!

Chandler:Well, you're not going to get another one. Those things don't grow back.

Phoebe:No, but I could trade it! I could get like, a whole hand, maybe even a foot!

Chandler:Yes, because there's definitely a thriving black market for severed body parts.

Monica:Chandler, you have to quit smoking. It's disgusting.

Rachel:Yeah, and it's bad for your health.

Chandler:Oh, so I'm supposed to just quit? Just like that? You know what, Joey eats like six times a day. When's someone gonna stage an intervention for that?

Joey:Hey, I have a high metabolism!

Chandler:Yeah, and I have a smoking problem. We all have our crosses to bear.

Chandler:Ross, you're a paleontologist, but you talk like you're still trying to get your PhD. Every sentence is a lecture. 'Well, actually, if you look at the Mesozoic era...' No one cares, Ross. We just want to know if the dinosaurs are extinct.

Chandler:And another thing - you have that laugh. That snort-laugh thing you do.

Monica:*snort-laugh*

Joey:Hey, don't judge me! It's not like I'm doing anything wrong. My knuckles are just... happy to see people.

Ross:On a scale of annoying habits, Joey's knuckle-cracking is like a two.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, hair-chewing is definitely higher.

Ross:Phoebe, you chew your own hair?

Phoebe:When I'm stressed! It's very soothing.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! It's not annoying, it's endearing!

Phoebe:You think my hair-chewing is endearing?

Joey:Yeah! It's like, you know, a quirk. Chicks dig quirks.

Monica:Oh, I do not snort when I laugh!

Chandler:Yes, you do. You totally snort.

Monica:I do not snort! *snort-laughs*

Ross:I don't see what's wrong with being precise and articulate.

Chandler:Oh, nothing whatsoever. One might posit that such linguistic exactitude demonstrates a commendable commitment to the vernacular standards of the English language, thereby elevating one's discourse to a most sophisticated and erudite plane of intellectual intercourse.

Ross:You're mocking me.

Chandler:Verily, I am.

Ross:Yeah, those tables aren't going to bus themselves.

Phoebe:You know what? This is like when two people are fighting, and one person says 'Oh, you wanna take this outside?' and the other person says 'Yeah, I'll take it outside!' And then they're outside, and one person's like 'Oh, you wanna take this to the parking lot?' It just keeps escalating!

Monica:Alan is like a cow that got through the fence.

Phoebe:Oh, you have to feel the thing. If you don't feel the thing, there is no thing.

Monica:I mean, I'm going to miss Alan, but... what am I going to tell my friends?

Monica:They already have enough to worry about with their own relationships.

Monica:Smoking is one of the worst things you can do for your health. It causes cancer, heart disease, and destroys your lungs.

Chandler:Yeah, but it looks cool.

Chandler:It's a sock puppet. It's not supposed to talk. There's no logical explanation for why it talks.

Joey:Well, maybe it's magic.

Chandler:It's a sock, Joey. A sock with a hand up its butt.

Chandler:He's out. Hey, you got any gum?

Other Character:Yeah, sure.

Chandler:Thanks. By the way, I killed a guy.

Other Character:What?!

Chandler:Just kidding. But seriously, is it wrong to take gum without asking?

Chandler:I'm getting a new nicotine patch. You know, I'm trying to quit smoking.

Chandler:Yeah, well, the patch isn't working. I think I need to switch to a different brand. You know, one with more flavor.

Phoebe:The settlement amount is ridiculously high

Phoebe:I got seven thousand dollars and I stepped in gum!

Monica:Phoebe, you have seven thousand dollars. You can just buy new shoes.

Phoebe:It's not about the shoes!

Ross:I can't believe we're all here together.

Monica:Well, Joey's not exactly 'here' — he's not wearing underwear.

Monica:Phoebe, I need to talk to you about something serious.

Phoebe:Oh my God, yes! I've been having the weirdest déjà vu all day.

Monica:No, Phoebe, I'm trying to—

Phoebe:Wait, no, I've never felt this before in my life.

Phoebe:Oh, I just had the weirdest déjà vu.

Monica:Really? About what?

Phoebe:About you sitting down and saying you wanted to have a serious talk with us.

Ross:What do you mean they don't change? Everyone changes!

Ross:I mean, look at me. I used to have hair. Now I don't. That's change.

Ross:He wanted Alan to meet his family, not Monica's

Alan:I actually hated all of you.

Joey:That guy could row.

Monica:Did Alan mention us? He said such wonderful things about you all.

Monica:Yeah, he really loved you guys.

Chandler:I need a cigarette.

Phoebe:Oh, I'll give you a thousand dollars if you quit smoking.

Chandler:Really?

Phoebe:No. But I'll give you this thumb.

Phoebe:I'll give you seven thousand dollars if you quit smoking.

Chandler:Done.