The One With Rosss Tan

Joey:Hey, why is it called foosball? Is it like, from the German word 'fuss' which means foot?

Chandler:Yes, Joey. Yes it is.

Joey:Wow! I've always wondered about that.

Joey:Wait, so the guys on the other side are trying to score on us?

Chandler:Yes, Joe. That's generally how foosball works. It's not unlike actual soccer, except the players are smaller, made of plastic, and they never get tired or complain about their wages.

Chandler:I'm not great at the advice-giving thing. I'm more of a 'stand around and make sarcastic comments' kind of guy.

Chandler:Could I BE any more afraid of myself? Is there any level of self-loathing I haven't reached?

Joey:I don't know, man. You're doing pretty good.

Joey:You know, every woman is unique. They're all different.

Joey:I have the same routine with all of them.

Joey:See, you just gotta let it happen naturally. Like this...

Chandler:Okay, okay, I got this. How hard can it be?

Joey:Dude, what are you doing? That's not—

Chandler:No no, I've got it. I'm a smooth operator.

Joey:You just grabbed my entire thigh and made a sound like a car alarm.

Joey:No no no, Chandler, like this.

Joey:You gotta commit to it. It's all in the hips.

Chandler:I am committing!

Joey:No, you're not. Watch me again.

Chandler:That's... that's really nice, Joe.

Ross:I'm not staring. I'm just looking.

Monica:That's the same thing.

Ross:No, staring is when you look without blinking for more than... okay, I was staring.

Monica:At my friend.

Ross:She's very... I mean, you're very... I mean, your sister is very...

Monica:Did I say spray-on tan places? I meant surf contest. Which she won.

Monica:Oh, you want to talk about embarrassing? Chandler still sleeps with a night light!

Chandler:Monica!

Monica:What? At least my secret doesn't require batteries.

Ross:Wait, you get pedicures? Like, regularly? How often? And do you get the gel or the regular polish? And what color do you usually go with?

Chandler:Oh, come on! A man can't have nice feet?

Monica:Oh, you should definitely get a spray tan. Then you can finally show off those legs.

Ross:So when you're getting a pedicure, do they like, scrub your feet?

Chandler:Yes, Ross.

Ross:And they use like, a pumice stone or something?

Chandler:Yes.

Ross:Do they, uh, do they paint your toenails?

Chandler:That's generally the idea, yes.

Ross:And it doesn't hurt?

Chandler:No, Ross, it feels nice.

Chandler:Wait, isn't this where that adult video store used to be?

Other:It's a florist now.

Chandler:Oh thank God. I was worried they'd remember me.

Phoebe:The exaggerated posh delivery

Monica:That was... a choice.

Monica:I'm not doing a British accent!

Chandler:Yes, you are.

Monica:Fine, you know what? At least I get pedicures!

Chandler:Could you guys stop? You're killing me here. Every single episode, one of you discovers my pedicure thing and acts shocked. It's been ten years!

Chandler:And now Monica's using it as her own beauty secret? That's it. I'm done. We've officially jumped the shark on my feet.

Amanda:Hi, this is Amanda. I'm not here right now, but thank you so much for calling. I really appreciate it, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Phoebe:Oh, hi Amanda. Well, if you really appreciated it, you would be here.

Amanda:I slept with Billy Joel.

Monica:Yeah, so?

Phoebe:Actually, I enjoyed being cut out. It was like a little present to myself.

Tanning Salon Worker:How dark do you want to be?

Ross:Um, you know, not too dark. I'm not trying to be, like, you know, a whole different race or anything.

Ross:Just a light tan. You know, like, summery.

Ross:Well, I have a PhD in paleontology.

Spray Tan Worker:Yeah, okay. Well, here's the thing... you're gonna spray tan, and you just stand here and turn around every 3 seconds when I tell you to. Okay?

Ross:I'm sorry, every 3 seconds? But... my PhD is in paleontology!

Ross:One... two... three... four... five.

Ross:One... two... three... four...

Tanning Booth:*spray starts*

Ross:No, no, no, no! I wasn't done!

Ross:I'm gonna tan on the count of three. One, two, three.

Rachel:Wait, that's only three seconds!

Ross:I know, but I'm gonna say Mississippi between each number to make it longer.

Monica:Ross, that doesn't make any sense.

Ross:One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi-less-ly!

Spray Tan Worker:You gotta turn around!

Ross:Oh!

Spray Tan Worker:Stop! Stop! Oh, oh, oh!

Ross:What?

Spray Tan Worker:You missed a spot!

Ross:Where?

Spray Tan Worker:You didn't do your back!

Ross:I can't see the back light! How do I know when to turn around?

Tanning Technician:You count to five, then turn around.

Ross:One Mississippi, two Mississippi... One Mississippi, two Mississippi... One Mississippi, two Mississippi...

Ross:Wait, when does it start? Does it just—

Ross:Oh! Oh! Oh no, oh God!

Ross:It's not a disaster! I had the lotion, I had the booth... One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

Chandler:What are you doing?

Ross:I'm counting! One side got one number, the other side got a different number. I got confused!

Monica:So you're telling me you stood there and literally counted your tans?

Ross:Yes! And apparently I can't count either because I missed a spot. Now I look like a chessboard.

Rachel:So we're banned from that restaurant?

Rachel:That's fine, I wasn't that into it anyway.

Joey:I'm not just some guy who falls for any woman. I have standards. I only go onto the likes of the most beautiful, intelligent women.

Chandler:Did you just say 'onto the likes of'?

Joey:What? It sounds sophisticated!

Chandler:It sounds like you're describing a naval maneuver.

Joey:Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Rachel:That's the cheesiest thing I've ever heard... but okay, yeah.

Joey:It's not working with Rachel. I've tried everything.

Chandler:Yeah, well you practiced on me first, and look how that turned out.

Joey:So... did you...?

Rachel:No.

Joey:Me neither.

Chandler:Oh sure, I'd love to babysit. What could possibly go wrong? I'll just strap the baby to my chest and we'll go skydiving.

Phoebe:Oh, you're from London? That's so funny, because I'm from a small town outside of Manchester, and my father was a chimney sweep, and my mother sold flowers in Piccadilly Circus!

Phoebe:Oh, thy is so fancy! Thy coffee, thy apartment, thy ridiculous accent!

Monica:Well, in American, that would be a perfect ass.

Chandler:Okay, fine. I'm scared of commitment, I hate my job, and I've been using humor as a defense mechanism since childhood to avoid genuine emotional intimacy.

Monica:I wasn't going to say anything.

Chandler:You were literally opening your mouth.

Phoebe:You know what? Monica, you're like a little bird with a broken wing, and Amanda's just gonna keep hitting it with a stick.

Monica:Phoebe, you can't just say you wouldn't break under torture. You don't know that.

Phoebe:Oh, I know. I've been tortured.

Monica:What?

Phoebe:Yeah, it was no big deal.

Joey:I've been opening bras since I was nine years old.

Joey:My neighbor was sixteen.

Joey:I don't know how you women wear these things! It's like a puzzle!

Rachel:Joey, it's not that complicated.

Joey:Not complicated?! There's hooks, there's straps... I'm a guy! Under pressure, my brain just goes 'Joey like ice cream!'

Joey:I can't get it undone!

Rachel:Oh, I'm sorry! It has a tricky clasp.

Joey:I can open a bra with one hand.

Chandler:Yeah, while looking at a picture of a bra.

Joey:I can open a bra with my eyes closed.

Monica:Not while looking at a picture of a bra?

Joey:I can open a bra from across the room.

Ross:With a remote control?

Joey:I can open a bra just by thinking about it.

Phoebe:That's telekinesis, Joey.

Joey:Whatever, I'm just saying I could do it.

Joey:Your bra keeps getting in my way!

Rachel:Joey, it's a bra. It's not supposed to move.

Joey:Bra isn't the problem.

Rachel:What? What do you mean it's not the problem?

Joey:It's your defensive slapping.

Joey:No, no, no. I don't have a subconscious.

Chandler:Oh, I see what happened. You went to one of those places where they spray tan you, right? Because I gotta tell you, something went a little wrong. You look like a big, um... a big chocolate chip cookie.

Ross:Oh, laugh all you want.

Chandler:Oh, I will. Oh! Oh, unless they have this thing where they spray you down and then you have to spin around like a rotisserie chicken, and you just didn't hear them tell you to stop, and you kept going?

Monica:Oh my God, Ross! What happened to you?

Ross:I know, I know. The spray tan guy said to turn around every few seconds, but I got distracted.

Chandler:You look like a hologram. A really badly made hologram.

Joey:Dude, you're like that song... 'Ebony and Ivory.'

Chandler:How did you mess up something so simple?

Ross:Well, I was counting and I—

Chandler:Let me guess, you got to three and forgot what came next?

Ross:No! I counted perfectly fine. I just... okay, I miscounted by one.

Monica:Oh my God, Ross! What happened to you?

Ross:I was at the tanning place, and the guy said to stand in the line, and I got confused. There's a lot of lines!

Monica:Ross, you look like a piece of chewed gum.

Rachel:Joey couldn't even undo my bra.

Monica:Well, that's because he's not a girl. Remember when he said he could sense when a woman was ovulating?

Rachel:A bra is not just going to pop open like that.

Chandler:Have you met Joey?

Monica:Oh my God, a car accident?!

Monica:Is everyone okay?!

Amanda:Touch my abs. I don't exercise at all.

Amanda:Come on, just smell my neck. Everyone smells my neck. It's a thing we do now.

Amanda:Don't you want to smell my natural scent?

Phoebe:No, not really. It smells like broken dreams and poor life choices.

Amanda:Well, it was 1992. And I remember, because that was the year I had sex with Evel Knievel.

Phoebe:Wait, was Mike with Chandler in the fake accident?

Monica:We didn't think that part through.

Joey:Oh come on! Are you kidding me right now? Of all the times... I mean, seriously, who calls at a time like this?

Joey:I'm just gonna power through this!

Rachel:Joey, I'm genuinely scared of you right now.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! You know what? We don't need to talk about our feelings. We just need to power through! You know, like a man!

Joey:I'm gonna go to the gym, I'm gonna get huge, and then everything's gonna be fine! How you doin'?

Joey:How you doin'?

Woman:Not interested.

Joey:Oh come on, just one date—

Woman:No!

Joey:Ow! Right in the Joey Jr.!

Joey:I'm calling it a 'friendly fire'.

Amanda:What's wrong with you?

Chandler:I have to go. There's been an emergency.

Amanda:What kind of emergency?

Chandler:The... the.... there's a problem with my... my wallet. I left it at a... at a restaurant.

Monica:I don't want to talk to you right now.

Amanda:Oh, that's fine. My apartment is twice the size of yours anyway.

Amanda:You know, they asked me to be one of the Spice Girls.

Janice:Oh my God, Chandler! I heard about your accident. Are you okay?

Chandler:Yeah, I'm fine, just a little—

Janice:That's good. Because honestly, if you were gone, nobody would even notice. I mean, what do you even do?

Chandler:Oh, well thank you for that observation. You know, it's so refreshing to meet someone who says exactly what they're thinking, without any filter whatsoever. Really, it's like talking to a golden retriever, except less attractive.

Phoebe:You're so scrappy.

Monica:Thank you!

Phoebe:Monica fought her way back into your life.

Monica:I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.

Monica:I'm a lover.

Amanda:Can you believe it? I've never had any professional dance training.

Salon Worker:You just count to five.

Ross:One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.

Salon Worker:No, no, no. One, two, three, four, five. Then you ding the bell and switch.

Ross:One, two, three, four, five.

Ross:Got it. I'm totally fine!

Ross:OK, I'm just gonna do the front. How hard can this be?

Ross:You just count to five and then you flip. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.

Ross:OK, flip! Oh no, oh no! Oh, God!

Chandler:What?

Ross:I think I forgot to do my back.

Chandler:Well, just do it now.

Ross:I can't! I can't reach it! And I can't do the front again, it'll be too dark!

Ross:Which nozzles? Front or back? Do I have to pick? Can't I just—

Ross:No no no no no! Not the nozzles again!

Ross:Oh, come on!

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross, you're completely orange!

Ross:I followed the instructions! One Mississippi, two Mississippi...

Rachel:You did it on both sides?

Ross:Of course I did both sides!

Rachel:Did you count to five on each side?

Ross:Yes! Well... I may have lost count around Mississippi number...

Chandler:You look like an Oompa Loompa.

Ross:It's just a little dark. It'll fade.

Monica:Ross, you're literally the color of a traffic cone.

Rachel:The spray tan place said you need to be evenly tanned. You're not even a real color.

Rachel:Well, I mean, she's really good at one thing.

Joey:So how did you and Monica go from friends to... you know?

Chandler:Well, it just kind of happened naturally. One day we realized we had this chemistry, you know? And we just... we kissed.

Joey:Just like that?

Chandler:Yeah. It was like we'd been heading there the whole time, we just didn't know it.

Chandler:What? Why are you guys looking at me like that? Did I say something wrong? Because if I did, I have no idea what it was, and I'm not going to apologize for it.

Joey:So we're really gonna do this? Try the whole relationship thing again?

Rachel:Yeah, I mean, why not? We've already tried everything else.

Joey:Okay, but if it doesn't work out this time, we have a backup plan, right?

Rachel:What kind of backup plan?

Joey:We just... stay together. No sex, no romance, just... us.

Rachel:So you're saying if this fails, we're basically already married?

Joey:You know what? I think friendship gets in the way of romance. Like, you're hanging out, you're laughing, you're having a good time... and then BAM! You start liking each other and it ruins everything.

Ross:I can't be seen in public with this tan.

Chandler:I had the same thing happen to me.

Ross:You did?

Chandler:Yeah, I was number one, then they said switch, and I swear I thought they said 'stay.' So I just stood there.

Monica:That's not what happened.

Chandler:What? How would you know?

Phoebe:Yeah, we weren't there.

Chandler:Fine! I lied. I just wanted to get that picture of you.

Ross:I got a little too much on my left side.

Chandler:Yeah, I did the same thing.

Ross:No, no, no. I got a little too much on my left side. She said, 'One, Mississippi, two, Mississippi.' I got to one Mississippi and I panicked. I think I turned myself inside out!

Ross:I'm a little purple.

Chandler:Oh no, Ross, that's terrible about your tanning disaster. I'm so sorry.

Ross:Thanks, Chandler. I appreciate the support.

Chandler:Yeah, well, actually I was hoping you'd turn around so I could get a picture for my phone. This is comedy gold!