The One Where Ross Is Fine

Ross's extended awkward silence after learning about Joey and Rachel, followed by his quietly asking to close the door

I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky... because, really, I'm fine.

I mean, at first I was like: [shocked reaction face]

Calm ourselves?

The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food... because I'm making fajitas!

There's a hair in my coffee.

It's funny, every time you say 'triplets'... I think of three hot, blond 19-year-olds.

Drink your hair.

That's not really how it works. / Oh, how does it work? / I don't know!

Well, that's Frank Jr. Jr... pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse.

And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler.

It's like hugging fresh cookies.

Oh, no. He's just trying to pull my shoulder out of it's socket. No, it's fine. After I black out, he tries to put it back in, so....

'Willing to adopt triplets?' No.

I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home.

Feel me up? / In a carriage.

You want to say feel me up, don't you?

Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out.

And, oh, you're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. I'm just kidding. I know Rachel. I know....

She's a keeper.

Underwear, a toothbrush... and a Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!

What? Fine? Because I am. Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't--? You see? Who else is fine?

I haven't slept in four years.

What do I do when the third one runs at me with his bike helmet on? I got no more hands to protect my area.

Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area.

You can't separate them, that's terrible! Which one?

So a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?

I think I just had a tiny orgasm.

You want me to wash my hands first, don't you? / Please. It's just so pretty and white.

Can I adopt you?

In fact, my father was a den mother.

I'm adopted?

I got nothing.

I said... you're a doctor. A doctor. Hey, doctor, my arm hurts. Can you fix it for me?

So you're not gonna fix my arm?

Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some.

We could all go on your boat. / Actually, Ross, I sold the boat two years ago. / Oh, no. Idiot!

You know what, this is nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic.

Fajitas! Be careful! Very hot plate! Very hot! / Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on.

That is gonna hurt tomorrow.

Alice would never go for it. / She's pretty tired too. I think we could get her on board.

What's green and says, 'Hey, I'm a frog'? / A talking frog.

Oh, no, you can't have him, he's too funny.

She's the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet.

She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor.

Wow, Frank, I think we just ran out of kids.

How about tomorrow? / Well, that's not good.

Oh, crap, don't wake up! Don't wake up!

Oh, my God, where's my purse? No, I can replace everything in there.

See? Intuitive. / What? Where did you hear that? / He told me. / And he paid me 50 dollars not to tell.

Which, technically, now you should give back.

Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. 'Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks Santa is real.' / He isn't?

What country did you get him from?

L-O-V-E. Love. L is for 'life.' And what is life without love? / Oh, my God, are we supposed to answer?

O is for: 'Oh, wow!'

I don't even know what that's for.

I guess I made Tater Tots.

Ross, oven mitts!

You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago soundtrack.

You're Ross and Rachel.

No, that was-- That was just for me.

How would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?

I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident.