The One with the Cake

Gee, if only she were 1 and had no idea what the hell a birthday was.

As much as I hate to delay your doing weird sex stuff to my little sister.

I promise I won't do any magic.

Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that.

When Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday... our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food.

And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built... to escape the ant people.

That's the hope.

I said, it's still naptime.

What? What? It's for her hot friends.

When they see this, you'll be 52. And starting to think about settling down.

Yeah, but for a 1-year-old. What's the point? The other day she laughed for an hour at a cup.

Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it, dressed as a farmer. And he's standing next to this cow, and the cow says, 'El-moo.'

Man, that's a funny cup.

She was probably up all night excited about the party she knows is happening.

Are you frigging kidding me, Greene?

Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you. He pulled on his testicles so hard... we had to take him to the emergency room.

There's something you didn't know about your dad.

Which one are you?

I'm going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs. You're gonna scream out, and that'll wake her up.

I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica.

So you're gonna hit on her?

Or you could stick a fork in an apple.

I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting.

Riding the Storm Out: Coping With Postpartum Depression.

Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly Books. Printed... in Mexico.

I was not ready for this today.

Maybe the actor Richard Crenna. He played the commanding officer in Rambo.

Sex and the Single Mother... Finding your G-spot.

This message could be coming to you... from beyond the grave, Emma... After all, my parents died very young.

Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too.

I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid.

They put my baby's face on a penis!

Now it's a party!

Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?

The resemblance is uncanny.

I am this close to tugging on my testicles again.

Ironically, that was the Maxim thing.

Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis... so we could put it on the bunny. That is a weird sentence.

To be fair, this one does have nuts.

It was nice of her to pull my hair... till I dropped the key.

Are you still enjoying your nap?

We used to be married. But then we missed a weekend away together, and things kind of unraveled... because of you.

I can't believe I taped over my Big Brother audition for this.

You'll tell us on Monday.

What are you doing? Get the hell out of here!

Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger scene. The papers thought it was a hate crime.

No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.

You do know I can just turn them the other way around, right? Oh, I forgot you used to live here.

I got it.

Okay, 10. Okay, Monica picks 10. I call nine.

That's a bear! I'm too excited!

I bought you! How did I forget that that's all you do?

They left.

You're such a good driver.

Hey, get out of the road, you stupid student driver! They have to learn.

Well, I just made these two things cheeks. And then I split this to make ears.

I, apparently, can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures.

Did I teach her that? Did I just impart wisdom?

There's no one around. Why don't we just take this one? And head to Canada.

I just felt so bad missing this. So I just slipped him a little something, you know.

Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs.

No! No science camp!

What is wrong with me? It looked more delicious when it was a penis.

Go! Go, Alan! Run, you hairy bastard!