The One With The Cake

Ross:We can't leave! It's Emma's real birthday!

Chandler:Ross, she's one. She has no idea what a birthday is. She can't even say 'birthday.' She just thinks people are yelling at her.

Ross:Have a great time, you two. And hey, try not to... you know... do too much of the... thing.

Chandler:The thing?

Ross:You know, the... horizontal... the... uh... the thing that married people do.

Monica:Oh my God, Ross!

Ross:Come on, guys, please stay for the party! I promise I won't do any magic tricks.

Chandler:They're not going to do the Maxim thing because of the party.

Monica:Well, there are other reasons we won't be doing it.

Phoebe:My father used to hide things too. Course, he was usually hiding from the police, but... it's sweet that you have that memory.

Phoebe:Oh my God, what if in the future they have some kind of technology where Emma can watch this video on a little screen in her eye?

Monica:Okay, Phoebe...

Phoebe:No, no, listen! And then they can also put a little speaker in her ear so she can hear it, and then one day she's just walking down the street and it just starts playing!

Rachel:Phoebe, that would be so weird.

Phoebe:Or—or what if by then we're all living underground because the sun exploded, and we're all tiny because food is scarce, and we have to communicate through a series of clicks and whistles!

Chandler:Phoebe, I think the sun is going to be fine.

Phoebe:Or what if we're all just brains in jars, and the only thing that exists is this video, playing over and over again!

Joey:Why would they do that?

Phoebe:I don't know! Or—or what if intelligent ant people take over the world and they decide to study human history, and this is the only record we have left, and they show it to their ant children and say, 'This is what humans were like'?

Phoebe:And then one day, the Queen ant will choose me, and I'll become the Princess of the ants.

Ross:Well, that's... that's a very specific goal. Have you thought about what you'd do as Princess?

Phoebe:I'd make sure all the ants are happy and well-fed.

Ross:Right, right. No, that's good. That's a solid five-year plan.

Monica:Where's Joey?

Ross:He's napping.

Monica:Napping? It's the middle of the day!

Ross:Yeah, well, he said he was tired.

Joey:Hey, I'm not gonna say anything to her. I'm just gonna be thinking about her friends when they get older.

Joey:When Emma's older, I'm gonna meet all her friends.

Monica:Joey, you'll be in your fifties!

Joey:So?

Monica:So, you can't hit on your best friend's daughter's friends when you're in your fifties!

Joey:Why not?

Chandler:Because it won't be cute anymore, it'll be a federal offense.

Joey:Why would you bring presents to a one-year-old's birthday party? They don't even know what's going on.

Rachel:Because it's a birthday party, Joey.

Joey:Yeah, but she's one. She's easily amused. I mean, look at her — she's been staring at that ribbon for twenty minutes.

Joey:She laughed at a pun on my coffee cup.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait... that's actually genius. 'Elmo cup'? Like 'L-M-O'? That's hilarious!

Ross:Yeah, I'm sure she was really looking forward to this. I bet she spent all week practicing her surprise face.

Chandler:We can't wake her up? We can't wake her up?! Geller, she's a baby, not a sleeping pill!

Judy Geller:Monica's first birthday was so special. We had the most wonderful party planned.

Judy Geller:But then Ross decided he needed to be the center of attention. He put on his father's glasses and started doing this ridiculous dance.

Judy Geller:Everyone just stared at him. Nobody knew what he was doing. We never did figure it out.

Judy Geller:A testicle? Ross, that's not a testicle, that's a...

Jack Geller:...a little bit of a problem.

Joey:We should get her a present from all three of us.

Jack Geller:Who is this?

Joey:It's me, Joey! We've known each other for years!

Monica:Emma's still asleep? It's already 9 AM! I've been up since 6, I've cleaned the apartment twice, reorganized the pantry... Okay, you know what? Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go in there, we're gonna grab that pillow, and we're gonna hit her with it until she wakes up. And if that doesn't work, we'll try the other pillow. And if THAT doesn't work, we move on to the couch cushions!

Chandler:Okay, Monica, we need to talk about this platter situation. I'm sensing some... hostility.

Monica:There is no hostility! I'm fine!

Chandler:Okay, and how is... the other Monica feeling?

Joey:I want to use my talents for Emma.

Phoebe:Oh, you're gonna teach her how to hit on women?

Joey:I want to do a dramatic reading of something really moving.

Monica:Oh, that's great, Joey! You could read the phone book.

Monica:Won't you be embarrassed having nothing prepared?

Joey:Monica, I'm an actor. I've done soap operas. I can do anything on the spot.

Joey:Okay, I got Emma's favorite book right here.

Joey:Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

Joey:The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams. Illustrated by William Nicholson. Published by Doubleday, Page and Company, Garden City, New York, 1922.

Joey:Once there was a little boy who owned a toy rabbit...

Joey:The duckling said to his mother, 'I will always love you.'

Ross:*wiping tears* That was... that was beautiful, Joe.

Phoebe:Okay, so I need a word that rhymes with Emma. Uh... lemma! Hemma? Stemma?

Phoebe:Oh! I got it! It's like when Richard Crenna was a colonel in Rambo!

Phoebe:Oh! I prepared a reading too. It's from my book, 'Oh, The Places You'll Go... If You Don't Die First: A Realistic Look at the World for Infants.'

Phoebe:And Chapter Three: 'The Asbestos in Your Crib.'

Jack Geller:Hi Emma, it's Dad. Happy 18th birthday, sweetheart.

Judy Geller:We're so proud of you, honey. You've grown into such a wonderful young woman.

Jack Geller:Of course, by the time you watch this, your mother and I will probably be dead.

Judy Geller:Very dead, Emma. Like, decomposed.

Jack Geller:We probably won't even have caskets anymore—just dust in a jar.

Judy Geller:If you're lucky, maybe you'll recognize a tooth.

Judy Geller:And make sure to tell her about the side effects. Nausea, dizziness, and in rare cases, spontaneous combustion.

Monica:Mom, that's not a real side effect.

Judy Geller:Well, it could be. You never know with these things.

Monica:I know, the frosting is amazing. You know, when I was a kid, I used to eat frosting right out of the container.

Monica:My mom would chase me around the kitchen with a spatula.

Ross:Rachel, why is there a giant penis cake in our kitchen?

Rachel:Oh my God! That's not supposed to be here! That's for my bachelorette party!

Ross:What happened to the actual wedding cake?

Rachel:Oh no. Oh no no no. I think... I think that went to the guy's birthday party.

Joey:Hey! What's not to like? Chocolate, vanilla, it's not weird!

Monica:Okay, that's disgusting, that's—wait, is that fondant? Because fondant is really hard to work with, and whoever did this actually did a pretty good job with the shading.

Monica:You know what? This is actually kind of impressive.

Jack Geller:It looks like Emma.

Ross:I used to do things like this as a kid to get attention.

Ross:If you don't stop, I'm gonna tug on your testicles!

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's what Monica and I had planned for tonight!

Monica:We need to fix this cake situation fast!

Ross:I just said 'I'm gonna go put on some pants' and that sounded completely normal.

Rachel:I want nuts on my cake.

Chandler:I want a penis on mine.

Chandler:That was nice of you to loan Rachel your car.

Monica:Well, I didn't really have a choice. She tackled me in the parking garage.

Monica:Hey Emma, it's Aunt Monica. We're all here celebrating, and you're napping? Really? You're ruining the party!

Chandler:Hey Emma, it's your dad. Your mom and I just wanted to say how sorry we are that we're missing your birthday this weekend.

Monica:Yeah, we feel terrible about it.

Chandler:But we want you to know that this weekend is really important to us, and we'll make it up to you.

Monica:Absolutely. We love you so much.

Chandler:And when your mother and I get divorced, we want you to know it's not because we don't love each other...

Monica:It's because of this weekend.

Chandler:Okay, I'm ready. Hi Emma, it's Uncle Chandler. I just want to say that you are the most beautiful baby in the whole world, and I love you very much.

Ross:That was great, Chandler!

Chandler:Really? Because I gave up my whole afternoon for this. I had to cancel my erectile dysfunction support group.

Joey:How do you think Rachel's gonna feel when she comes back and finds out we're all gone?

Chandler:Devastated. But she'll get over it.

Joey:Get out! Get out of here!

Other Character:What? Why?

Joey:Just go! Now!

Monica:Dad can't drive at night anymore.

Chandler:Why not?

Monica:He almost hit a nun.

Joey:A nun?

Monica:Yeah, and he said, 'I didn't even see her until she flew across the hood!'

Joey:Jack fought for the country.

Monica:Joey, Jack was a draft dodger.

Chandler:Joey, you locked us in. How are we supposed to get out?

Joey:We can't. I have the only key.

Chandler:Joey, the door opens from the inside. There's a handle.

Joey:Oh. Right. Chandler knows about doors.

Joey:Oh no, oh no, oh no! I don't have a monologue prepared!

Joey:Wait... I could use that book I've been reading!

Monica:1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Chandler:10!

Monica:9!

Phoebe:I want the dolphin toy!

Phoebe:Oh wait, I thought you said you wanted to do something with a *fin*. Like, I was gonna say, I'm not really into that, but I respect your choices.

Monica:It's supposed to race around the room, not just stand there barking!

Monica:I paid twenty dollars for a dog that doesn't even run. It just... barks.

Monica:You know what? This is exactly like my last relationship.

Monica:Wait, wait, wait! You can't just run backwards, that's not how racing works! The rules clearly state—

Monica:Hello? Guys? Where did everyone go?

Monica:Wow, a speeding ticket. That's so cool. You know what? You should get more of those.

Rachel:Oh my God, MOVE IT! What are you doing?! You're going like five miles an hour! There are people behind you!

Ross:Rachel, he's a student driver. He's probably very nervous.

Rachel:I don't care! Learn to drive or stay home!

Ross:You know, when I was teaching Ben to drive, I appreciated it when people were patient with him.

Rachel:Well, that's very sweet, but this guy is testing my patience!

Ross:Well, you see, if you just remove the shaft, the base and the two balls form the bunny's head and ears.

Ross:I just realized I have an oddly specific talent.

Chandler:What, you can turn cakes into... other cakes?

Ross:No, I can identify cakes by their molecular structure.

Monica:That's the least useful superpower ever.

Ross:Well, it's saved me from eating a sponge twice!

Ross:How old are you now, Emma?

Emma:Five.

Ross:Five! That's incredible! Did you hear that, everyone? She can count!

Monica:We could adopt.

Chandler:Or we could steal one.

Monica:What?

Chandler:I'm kidding. We'd never get caught anyway.

Monica:Okay, we're fleeing to Canada.

Chandler:I'll get the passports.

Phoebe:Yeah, I had to leave early. My client fell asleep.

Phoebe:I think I used too much of the lavender oil... or not enough.

Monica:We literally just watched you arrive.

Joey:No you didn't.

Rachel:Wait, she can do that already? She's only six months old!

Ross:I know, right? She's incredibly smart. Just like her old man.

Rachel:Oh God, she's going to end up like you, isn't she? All nerdy and talking about dinosaurs at parties.

Monica:Well, I have to say, I preferred it when it looked like a penis.

Joey:Oh! Oh! And he's coming around the turn! Look at the little guy go! He's really picking up speed now!

Joey:Oh my God, he's gonna make it! He's gonna make it! Yes! YES!