The One With The Home Study

Chandler:I've been thinking about the wedding costs, and I have a solution. What if we cut the guest list in half?

Monica:No.

Chandler:What if we have it in a park instead of a venue?

Monica:No.

Chandler:Okay, what if we just elope?

Monica:No, Chandler.

Monica:Well, I have to take responsibility for at least half of that.

Phoebe:We decided to donate all our wedding gifts to charity.

Monica:That's so generous! You guys are amazing.

Chandler:Yeah, really beautiful. So, uh, when's the divorce?

Phoebe:Oh, I'm not worried. I'm just gonna marry him, then in like five years we'll get divorced, and then I'll marry someone else.

Phoebe:I'm already planning my second marriage in Hawaii. Now I'm considering a third marriage for charity.

Chandler:We're cleaning the apartment? Since when do I clean? I'm not even sure I know how to hold a sponge.

Monica:We need to clean the apartment.

Chandler:We? You just told me to go to the store!

Joey:Okay, I got this. I've done a lot of acting, so I know how to convince people of things that aren't true.

Joey:You just gotta make them think you're something you're not. Like, you're not celebrities, but we can work around that.

Monica:Did you just call me stupid?

Chandler:No, no. I called you *naive*.

Monica:That's not better!

Chandler:I know, but at least you'll understand what it means.

Monica:Do you have any hidden inappropriate magazines or videos?

Chandler:Me? No! Why would I have those? I'm a respectable man. I don't know what you're talking about.

Monica:Really?

Chandler:Could I BE any more offended right now?

Monica:I'm just asking where you'd hide something... hypothetically. Like, not in the obvious places—not under the mattress, not in the closet, not behind the books on the shelf. Maybe somewhere like... behind the radiator? Or taped to the back of a drawer? Or inside a hollowed-out book?

Chandler:Monica, why are you asking me this?

Monica:I'm not! I'm just curious where *you* would hide something.

Monica:You bought a video?

Chandler:Yes, okay? I bought a video. But I want you to know that I bought it for an entirely different reason than you think.

Monica:What reason?

Chandler:I wanted to see what all the fuss was about... for educational purposes!

Monica:Educational purposes?!

Chandler:Okay, fine. Okay, fine. I'm... I'm aware of the issue.

Chandler:I didn't make that video.

Monica:Well, I didn't make it either.

Chandler:So we're just going to pretend this never happened?

Monica:I think that's for the best.

Mike:Well, I think you're going to appreciate the crap out of this one

Mike:I want complete anonymity.

Phoebe:Me too, I don't want anyone to know who I am.

Mike:Hi, I'm Mike.

Phoebe:I'm Phoebe Buffay.

Mike:Recognition isn't necessary.

Phoebe:Oh good, because we'd like to donate anonymously. That's P-H-O-E-B-E and M-I-K-E.

Phoebe:And X is spelled Mike Hannigan

Mike:Wow, a free T-shirt! This is amazing!

Charity worker:Yeah, it's a great shirt. Barely worn.

Mike:This is perfect!

Charity worker:Well, it's actually my gym shirt. I figured I'd donate it since I upgraded to a new one.

Charity worker:Well, it's not exactly free. It's a used shirt.

Character:Used? How used?

Charity worker:Let's just say the previous owner had a very active lifestyle. Mostly running. From the police.

Ross:Well, you know, there are a lot of talented paleontologists out there doing great work.

Ross:But let's be honest, they're all idiots.

Rachel:A playground? Ross, that's insane!

Ross:Well, what do you suggest? We could always go bungee jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge instead.

Rachel:I was on this swing, and my hair got caught. It was so traumatic!

Monica:Oh my God, what happened?

Rachel:They had to cut it out. I had this huge chunk missing.

Phoebe:That sounds horrible!

Rachel:It was. But honestly? It was just uneven hair.

Ross:Wow, so you're telling me you survived this traumatic hair experience? That's incredible. I mean, most people don't make it out of a bad haircut alive.

Rachel:Oh my God, it's not funny!

Ross:No, no, I'm serious. You should write a book. 'I Survived: A Haircut Story.' It'll be huge.

Ross:What, you mean like a Lifetime movie? 'Rachel Green: A Story of Survival'? Coming this fall to a cable network near you.

Rachel:Wait, a movie about my trauma? That's actually genius. Who would play me?

Rachel:It has to be someone who can really capture my vulnerability and... my hair.

Rachel:Okay, so like, when you're on a swing, you have to be SO careful because if you go too high, you literally become a projectile. Like, you could just... fly off into space. And then your hair gets all messed up from the velocity, and you're just floating there in the atmosphere wondering how you're going to get down.

Rachel:Wait, so if I swing any higher, what happens?

Chandler:Well, at a certain point, you achieve escape velocity and just... drift into space.

Rachel:Oh my God, that's not funny!

Joey:Actually, it kind of is.

Chandler:And then you become a new planet. 'Planet Rachel.' Very exclusive real estate.

Ross:Technically speaking, you'd need significantly more mass to—

Monica:Ross, not now!

Rachel:A swing is not a bug, Ross!

Monica:They're here! They're here!

Chandler:Okay, okay. Just be yourself.

Monica:I am myself.

Chandler:I know, that's what I'm afraid of.

Visitor:Hi, we're looking for Creepy?

Monica:Creepy?

Chandler:Oh my God, they think our apartment number is a name!

Phoebe:I'm not wearing a dress.

Monica:What? Why not?

Phoebe:Dresses are a tool of the patriarchy.

Monica:It's my wedding!

Phoebe:I know, and it's going to be beautiful. I'm just gonna wear pants.

Monica:Oh my God, are we having a lesbian wedding?

Phoebe:I don't care about looking nice for the wedding. It's not important to me.

Phoebe:Oh my God! I look like a princess! I'm so beautiful!

Monica:You know, city hall marriages are very romantic. I mean, look at jury duty - people meet, they fall in love, they make a lifetime commitment.

Monica:We're taking the money back from the children's hospital? What if a child needs a... a new liver?

Chandler:Could you BE any more hostile toward children?

Rachel:Oh my God, her hair! Be careful with her hair!

Ross:Rachel, she's three years old. She has like five hairs.

Rachel:Exactly! Five hairs! And I am not losing a single one!

Rachel:Oh my God, Emma's hair is so delicate. I have to be so careful.

Rachel:One wrong move and it could all fall out.

Rachel:I'm just going to gently...

Rachel:Oh no! No no no no no!

Mike:Wait, so you're telling me you want your donation back?

Monica:Yes, we need it for something else.

Mike:So... you're taking money away from children with cancer.

Chandler:When you say it like that, it sounds bad.

Mike:I'm not a bad guy, but right now, I'm definitely looking like one.

Phoebe:Okay, so we need to charm her. I'll use my wiles.

Monica:Your wiles?

Phoebe:Yeah, I'm very wily. I once convinced a man to give me his car.

Rachel:How?

Phoebe:I told him it was a really nice car.

Phoebe:Okay, I'll do it. I'll flirt with him.

Mike:Hey... do you come here often?

Charity Worker:It's a charity event. I work here.

Mike:Right, right. So... you ever think about... not working here?

Phoebe:Oh my God, Mike, stop.

Mike:Yeah, well, it feels great to give to charity. It really warms your heart. Of course, it also empties your wallet, but that's a small price to pay for feeling morally superior to everyone around you.

Phoebe:We'd like our donation back.

Mike:Yeah, we need it.

Charity worker:I'm sorry, but once a donation is made, we can't return it.

Phoebe:Well, that's not very charitable of you.

Charity worker:The money goes directly to helping children in need - food, shelter, education.

Mike:Yeah, well, you're spoiling them.

Phoebe:I want a real wedding! I want a dress and a cake and flowers and a real honeymoon! I didn't have a real birthday party until I was in my twenties because my mother was in jail.

Phoebe:You're a sweaty little man!

Mike:Hey, that's not fair. I'm not sweaty.

Phoebe:You are too!

Mike:Well, yeah, okay, I'm a little sweaty. But so is that charity guy over there.

Chandler:We're very excited about having a black baby.

Chandler:An African American baby. Oh God, I'm gonna say something wrong, aren't I?

Monica:No, no, you're doing great.

Monica:I love kids.

Chandler:Yeah, that came out a little wrong.

Monica:No, I love kids. I want to have kids.

Chandler:Yeah, that's not better.

Social Worker:Have you considered that other couples might be adopting too?

Monica:What? No! We're getting those babies!

Monica:And I don't appreciate you trying to make us compete with some couple from... from New Jersey or something!

Monica:Oh my God, I just accused our neighbor of drug dealing! What if he sues us? What if the building gets condemned? What if nobody wants to live here anymore?

Chandler:Monica, relax. I'm sure it's fine.

Monica:Fine?! Chandler, we live in a building where people think there are drugs! We might as well be living in a crack house!

Joey:Hey, what's wrong with that? I lived in a crack house once.

Monica:That's not helping, Joey!

Chandler:You didn't call the social worker back? What is wrong with you? Oh, that's right, everything.

Monica:Friends with Joey? No, no, no. We're not... I mean, we barely know each other. He's just someone who lives here. I don't even like him that much, honestly. And he definitely doesn't like me. We have nothing in common. Nothing! We don't hang out, we don't talk, we don't... Why are you looking at me like that? Fine! Yes, okay, we're friends with Joey!

Joey:Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani. You may know me from such films as... well, actually, you probably don't know me from any films. But I'm an actor! And I'm very talented. And I'm very, very good-looking.

Monica:He's great with kids!

Chandler:He's a little crazy, but he's great with kids.

Ross:Son of a bitch!

Monica:Ross! The baby!

Ross:What? I didn't say the F-word!

Ross:Come on, try the swing. It'll be fun!

Rachel:Oh, so you want me to go on the swing so you can watch me and think about how pretty I look while I'm swinging?

Rachel:Okay, okay. I'll try the swing if you hold a spider.

Ross:A spider?! No, no, no. Absolutely not. I can't do that.

Joey:A-DOP-SHUN!

Monica:Who's Bert?

Joey:The crazy guy in the hall!

Monica:Oh, him. Yeah, he's not really our friend.

Chandler:Joey needs supervision.

Chandler:We're calling him Ernie.

Chandler:Bert and Ernie? No, no, no. It's Gellir and Bing.

Social Worker:Those aren't real names.

Chandler:Well, we're not making them up!

Phoebe:My Sweet 16 was terrible. My friend shot a mental patient.

Phoebe:Oh, so he's ready to shoot again?

Monica:Everything is clean. Spotless. I even organized the cabinets by color and food group.

Social Worker:That's... very thorough.

Monica:And I want you to know, there are absolutely no dead bodies in the freezer.

Social Worker:...I wasn't going to check.

Monica:Or in the walls. The walls are clean too.

Chandler:Wait, we don't have a code word?

Monica:No.

Chandler:We need a code word!

Monica:We need a code word. Something we can say if things get really bad during the birth.

Chandler:Like what?

Monica:I don't know. Something that means 'I can't take it anymore, get me drugs.'

Chandler:How about 'Bert'?

Monica:Bert? Why Bert?

Chandler:I don't know, it just came to me.

Monica:Okay, fine. Bert it is.

Chandler:Well, he's a complex character. Very physical. Sometimes he says things that don't quite make sense, but the audience seems to love him anyway. He's not the brightest, but he has a certain charm. And frankly, the show wouldn't work without him.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait! I forgot my... my... lucky adoption interviewing tie!

Joey:I got a bat.

Monica:You're selling it?

Joey:No, I'm keeping it.

Monica:Then why are you telling me?

Chandler:Bert! Bert! BERT!

Joey:Of course I remember your name!

Joey:It's... Lady.

Joey:It's like... it's like social work. You do it because you care, not because you're gonna get anything out of it.

Joey:My heart was broken. So how did I get over her? I got under Chandler.

Social Worker:Joey, you can't leave. We need to talk about this.

Joey:You don't understand. I have to go. This is something I need to do. And I may never come back.

Social Worker:Joey, please—

Joey:I'm going to go be in a commercial.

Social Worker:Well, despite the minor incidents today, I have to say I'm very impressed with your home.

Monica:Really?

Social Worker:Yes. The love and support you all show each other is remarkable. I'm going to recommend you for adoption.

Phoebe:We're back to volunteer at the charity again!

Charity worker:Oh, that's wonderful! Let me guess — you two finally figured out that tax write-offs are a thing?

Mike:What? No, we just want to help people.

Charity worker:Sure, sure. And I'm guessing the matching volunteer t-shirts have nothing to do with your Instagram aesthetic?

Charity Worker:No, no, no. I can't accept this.

Phoebe:Why not? It's a generous donation.

Charity Worker:Because it's blood money! You got it from... from selling your hair!

Mike:It's not blood money, it's just regular money.

Charity Worker:I don't care! The point is, I can't accept money from people who have compromised their morals!

Phoebe:But we're trying to do good!

Charity Worker:No! The answer is no! And it will always be no!

Charity worker:Next time, just ask for Brian.

Charity worker:I'm Mike.

Unknown neighbor:Have you seen Joey's bat?

Rachel:OK, so I found a spider for you.

Ross:You found a spider? Where?

Rachel:In the corner of the bathroom. It's huge!

Ross:No, no, no. I can't do this.

Rachel:Ross, come on. You said you'd face your fear.

Ross:I know, but a huge one? Can't we start with something smaller?

Rachel:No! That's like me asking for a shorter swing. We're doing this.

Ross:Okay, okay, I got this. Just stay calm. The spider is contained, everything is fine...

Ross:Wait. Wait wait wait. Oh my God. OH MY GOD!

Rachel:What?! What happened?!

Ross:It's on me! The spider is ON ME!

Rachel:Oh my God! There's a spider in here!