The One Where Rachels Sister Babysits

Ross:I have never given Emma a cookie!

Rachel:Not even one?

Ross:No! And I certainly never used canned frosting to write her name on a cupcake!

Chandler:Well, we were going to ask Joey, but we figured that someone who can't string together a coherent sentence probably shouldn't be writing a recommendation letter.

Joey:I am too good with words! I know lots of words. I can use them... good. And I do it... real good.

Chandler:Case in point.

Joey:Dear To Whom It May Concern, yo, what's up?

Phoebe:I'm dressing up for my anniversary no matter where we go. If Frank wants to take me to a public restroom, I'm wearing my fancy dress.

Monica:He won't even use our bathroom.

Chandler:I have a very delicate digestive system.

Chandler:And I'm not comfortable with the acoustic properties of that bathroom.

Charlie:You gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalog.

Ross:Wow, what a keen observation. I had no idea I wasn't Rachel. Thank you for pointing that out.

Ross:Amy, it's me, Ross! We met in 1994 at Central Perk. You were sitting in that orange couch when I first saw you!

Amy:I'm sorry, do I know you?

Ross:Yes! We went to Barbados together! You wore that blue dress! We danced all night!

Amy:I think you have me confused with someone else, sir.

Ross:No, Amy, listen - I'm a paleontologist! Remember? You used to make fun of my dinosaur jokes at Thanksgiving!

Amy:Are you selling something? Because I'm not interested in whatever this is.

Ross:I'm not selling anything! I'm your... we spent ten years together! TEN YEARS!

Amy:Well, that'll be five dollars for the hot dog, thanks.

Amy:Did you sell my falafel?

Ross:No, I didn't sell your falafel.

Amy:Well, it's gone!

Ross:I know, but I didn't sell it.

Amy:Then where is it?

Ross:Fine. Yes. I sold your falafel. I'm a falafel scalper. I buy them up, sell them on the street corner. It's a very lucrative business.

Joey:You recognized me! From Days of Our Lives?

Amy:Yeah, I watched it. Your acting was terrible.

Joey:What? Terrible?

Amy:Awful. Really bad. You were the worst part of that show.

Ross:Oh, so now I'm just some guy who can't remember his daughter's name? What's next, I'm going to forget where I work? 'Oh, I'm Ross, I sell... I don't know, falafel?'

Ross:Yes, hello, welcome to my falafel stand. What can I get for you today?

Amy:Wow, your English is really improving! You know, for someone from... over there. You're very articulate for a falafel guy.

Joey:I hate her. She's so annoying and self-centered and... and I love her.

Monica:Joey, why don't you use a thesaurus?

Joey:I don't know what that means.

Monica:It's a book of synonyms.

Joey:Oh, I don't need a thesaurus. I know lots of big words.

Monica:Joey, you just said you didn't know what a thesaurus was.

Joey:Yeah, what is a thesaurus?

Joey:Hey, check it out! I got this thesaurus and it's making me smarter!

Joey:Check out this word... 'play.' You can also say 'frolic,' 'cavort,' or... 'bone.'

Joey:From now on, I'm gonna bone all night long!

Amy:So beautiful.

Rachel:Thank you! She really is precious, isn't she?

Amy:What? Oh, no, I'm talking about your sheets. What thread count is this?

Rachel:So what's your fiancé like?

Amy:Oh, he's wonderful! He has this amazing apartment in the city with hardwood floors, stainless steel appliances, and a walk-in closet. The master bedroom has an en-suite bathroom with heated towel racks, and there's a balcony with a view of the park.

Rachel:No, I mean what's he like as a person?

Amy:Oh! Well, the kitchen has granite countertops and a Sub-Zero refrigerator. Plus it's rent-controlled!

Rachel:Wait, you're marrying Mark's father?

Amy:Yeah, well, he's really successful and—

Rachel:Amy! That's Mark's dad!

Amy:I know! It's actually perfect. I get to see Mark at all the family dinners, and it'll be so awkward for him.

Rachel:Barry was such a jerk.

Amy:Oh, about that... I may have hooked up with him a few times while you guys were together.

Rachel:WHAT?!

Rachel:Okay, Amy, I'm gonna need you to stop talking now.

Rachel:Like, immediately.

Rachel:You shouldn't settle. You need to find someone you really love, someone who makes you happy.

Amy:You're right, you're absolutely right. I'm going to marry for money and cheat on him.

Phoebe:Excuse me, could you move your nachos? That's my seat.

Fan:Oh, sorry about that.

Phoebe:Thank you. And while you're at it, I'm going to need a better seat. It's my anniversary.

Fan:Your anniversary of what?

Phoebe:Of my birth! I was born!

Phoebe:It's our anniversary!

Stranger:...And?

Phoebe:And what? We're in love!

Phoebe:Oh my God, that's so unoriginal! A big screen proposal? Everyone does that. When Mike proposes to me, it's gonna be something special, something nobody's ever seen before.

Joey:Yeah, so I'm writing this recommendation letter, right? And I'm telling them all about my computer skills.

Joey:I'm like, 'I use the computer every single day. Sometimes for hours.'

Joey:Mostly just... you know, looking at stuff. Sometimes I look at the same stuff twice.

Joey:Oh! And I know how to turn it off. Well, I know how to make it go to sleep. I don't actually know how to turn it off.

Joey:I'm gonna go get some coffee.

Joey:I'm gonna perambulate and ingest a caffeinated beverage.

Chandler:Baby Kangaroo? That's what he signs his letters with?

Joey:It's my nickname!

Chandler:Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani?

Joey:Yeah, my agent started calling me that.

Chandler:You need to write from the heart, Joey.

Joey:From the heart? You mean from the... tickle-pumpy?

Amy:I left Myron! I took your advice, Rachel.

Rachel:Oh my God, that's amazing! I'm so proud of you!

Amy:I know. I'm like Rosa Parks.

Rachel:What?!

Amy:I sat down and I refused to move.

Amy:I'm like Erin Brockovich. I'm independent, I'm smart, and I have a really nice ass.

Rachel:Okay, but Erin Brockovich had a job.

Joey:She said I eat too much and I'm getting fat!

Joey:Me? Getting fat? I'm Joey Tribbiani!

Amy:Oh, sweetie, you can't pull this off.

Amy:Are you sure you want to eat that?

Monica:Yes, I'm sure. And you know what? I'm going to enjoy every single bite.

Chandler:That's right, I'm a poet and didn't even know it. Fo' shizzle.

Chandler:You know, the problem with you guys is that you're always trying to impress women by being all sensitive and in touch with your feelings. What you need to do is just be yourself, be confident, show them you're a real man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to— wait, why am I the one giving this advice?

Monica:You should propose to him at Foot Locker.

Phoebe:Foot Locker?

Monica:He would never expect it. It's perfect.

Amy:Nana is on the phone.

Rachel:Amy, Nana's been dead for ten years.

Monica:My throat hurts like the nanny's menstrual cramps.

Ross:I don't think that's biologically possible.

Amy:I wasn't actually in the bathroom. I was standing right here listening to everything you said.

Monica:How did the adoption agency know Joey was a child?

Chandler:The agency worker estimated Joey's age from his childlike artwork.

Rachel:Amy! You pierced Emma's ears?! What were you thinking?!

Amy:Well, she looks absolutely adorable now. The little studs really bring out her eyes.

Rachel:That's not the point! She's a baby!

Amy:I know, and that's why I did it now. When you're young, the holes close up so easily if you change your mind. Plus, pierced ears are really elegant.

Rachel:Ross is going to be so upset about Emma's ears.

Amy:What? Why would he care about her ears?

Rachel:Because they stick out a little bit.

Amy:Oh, well, at least she didn't inherit his... you know, his street vendor nose.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. Her ears are pierced?

Rachel:Yeah, I took her to get them pierced.

Ross:You did what?! Without asking me? She's three years old!

Rachel:Ross, they're just earrings.

Ross:Just earrings? They're holes in her ears! Permanent holes!

Monica:Ross, the holes close up if you don't wear earrings.

Ross:Really? They close up? How long does that take?

Joey:Hey, Monica's cool. I mean, she's not as cool as me, obviously. But she's cool in a... 'my aunt knows what a Blockbuster Video is' kind of way.

Amy:I am going to be a baby stylist.

Rachel:Babies don't care if you're slim.

Amy:Well, Amy's here now.

Ross:That's it! I'm warning you, Amy. If you ever do anything like that to Emma again, I'm going to have the Falafel Vendor ban you from every falafel cart in Manhattan!

Mike:I need to go to the bathroom.

Phoebe:Oh no, you can't do that. If you hold it in, it goes back up into your brain and you get smarter.

Phoebe:No, no, no! You guys are all sexist! Women are just as capable as men!

Phoebe:This is discrimination! We should all be treated equally!

Joey:Hello? Yes, this is he. Uh-huh. Really? Well, I'm very excited. No, no, I'm a very good listener. I do chores. I eat all my vegetables. Well, most of them. And I always say please and thank you.

Rachel:Where did Jill gain the weight?

Amy:Well, I'd have to say her face, her ass, and her stomach.

Rachel:Jill was on the Atkins diet.

Amy:Oh my God, the carbohydrates are like hunting down their sister!

Phoebe:What? No Balls? Mike, you have balls. I've seen them.

Mike:Phoebe, it's a figure of speech.

Phoebe:Well, it's a very confusing figure of speech because anatomically speaking, you're very well-equipped.

Phoebe:You hid the ring in the cake? That's so unoriginal! Every proposal does that!

Mike:I thought you'd like it...

Phoebe:Well, it's not romantic, it's just... predictable. You know what? You're a jerk!

Mike:Phoebe, we've had kind of a crazy relationship. We've broken up, gotten back together, broken up again...

Phoebe:Yeah, but look at us now!

Mike:I know. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?

Phoebe:Yes! Oh my God, yes!

Phoebe:Oh my God, yes! Yes, I will marry you!

Mike:I love you so much.

Random fan:Oh, I'm so happy for you two! Congratulations!

Amy:I don't understand why parents don't want me to style their babies. I have a great eye for fashion!

Amy:I put little outfits on them, tiny hats, little sunglasses... and the parents just take it all off!

Amy:I think they're just jealous of my vision. Babies are basically tiny models, you know?

Amy:Plus, I only keep them for like eight hours at a time while I do the styling. That's not unreasonable!