The One With The Late Thanksgiving

Chandler:You're always putting words in people's mouths.

Monica:I don't put words in people's mouths. I put turkey in mouths. I'm a cook.

Chandler:Emma's first Thanksgiving!

Monica:Chandler, Emma is Rachel's daughter.

Chandler:I know, I know. But still, it's Emma's first Thanksgiving!

Monica:And when was your daughter born?

Chandler:Wait, what? I have a daughter?

Monica:My cooking is great! Everyone loves it.

Phoebe:No one loves it. No one.

Monica:That's not true!

Phoebe:No one loves it. No one loves it. No one loves your cooking!

Monica:Wait, if I'm competing against myself, I have to win!

Chandler:Monica, maybe you should just let it go.

Monica:Let it go? Chandler, I am a professional chef. I don't let things go.

Monica:I destroy my competition.

Chandler:Yeah, but you ARE the competition.

Monica:Exactly. And I am RUTHLESS.

Monica:We need to make decisions together, Chandler. We're a couple now.

Chandler:You're right, you're right. What do you want to do?

Monica:I taped Dr. Phil today. We can watch it together and he can tell us how to handle this.

Chandler:Or... we could just talk about it?

Phoebe:Happy Thanksgiving! You know, it's actually really hard for me to celebrate this holiday. I mean, think about it — all these innocent birds... just slaughtered for one meal. And for what? So we can sit around and pretend we're grateful while we're actually just eating murdered poultry?

Phoebe:Well, I was winning for a while, but then I got full, so I just ate the tin.

Monica:I'm going to make the best dinner this city has ever seen.

Monica:Past Monica, you are going down.

Ross:What's Emma doing today?

Rachel:Well, she has a 9 o'clock with her trainer, then she's meeting some friends for brunch at 11.

Ross:Rachel, she's a baby.

Rachel:I know, but she's very busy. Then at 2 she has a facial, and at 4 she's going to the bathroom.

Ross:She's going to the bathroom?

Rachel:Well, she has to! She can't just hold it all day!

Rachel:What?! No! Absolutely not! She's a baby, Phoebe. A baby! I'm not putting my daughter in some pageant where she's judged on her appearance. That's not happening.

Phoebe:My friend is entering her baby in a contest.

Phoebe:I was like, 'Good luck, but your baby is ugly.'

Rachel:I think all babies are beautiful and special.

Phoebe:Yeah, sure. Have you seen some of the babies out there?

Rachel:Baby pageants are horrible. They're just exploiting these children for some stupid trophy.

Phoebe:Yeah, it's so wrong.

Rachel:Wait, how much money is the prize?

Phoebe:I think like five thousand dollars.

Rachel:Oh my God, we have to get Emma in one of those pageants immediately!

Rachel:Please don't tell Ross about the pageant.

Rachel:His values are so naive. I'm going to corrupt our daughter the right way.

Rachel:We need to find a cowgirl outfit for baby Emma.

Phoebe:Oh! I know where we can get one.

Rachel:Where?

Phoebe:Joey's action figure! We can steal the clothes off his doll.

Joey:Hey, why do they keep dropping the baton?

Chandler:It's a parade, Joe.

Joey:I know that! But if they're just gonna drop it, why are they running with it?

Joey:I'm not just a pretty face.

Chandler:Okay, so it's Thanksgiving, right? And we're all sitting around the table. Monica's made like seven different kinds of potatoes. And our kids are there.

Chandler:And I'm like, 'Kids, I'd like you to meet your new babysitter, Erica.'

Chandler:Wait, no, that's not pretentious enough. How about... 'Chadwick and Muffy, I'd like to introduce you to the concept of gratitude.'

Monica:That's not Hemingway.

Chandler:Yes it is.

Monica:No, that's John Grisham.

Chandler:Could I BE any more wrong?

Monica:Okay, but remember what Dr. Phil said: 'You can't change people unless they want to change.'

Chandler:What? I want to change! I want to change my shirt, my job, my entire life!

Monica:That's not what he meant.

Chandler:I want to help with cooking!

Chandler:But nothing important.

Monica:Chandler, you're in charge of the cranberry sauce.

Chandler:Me? Why me?

Monica:Because it's the only thing you can't mess up.

Monica:Wash the cranberries.

Chandler:With what?

Monica:With water!

Chandler:Oh, I was gonna use dish soap.

Chandler:Hey, I used some of that dish soap you told me about to make a salad dressing.

Monica:Chandler! That's not for eating!

Chandler:Well, it certainly cleaned up my insides.

Joey:Okay, okay, I'm thinking of something. You gotta guess what it is.

Ross:Is it a woman?

Joey:Dude! I just started!

Ross:Well, yeah, but statistically speaking...

Joey:Okay, okay, I'm thinking of something. You guys have to guess what it is.

Ross:Is it a person?

Joey:Yes! Yes, it's a person.

Ross:Is it someone we know?

Joey:No, no, no, it's not someone we know.

Ross:Is it a celebrity?

Joey:Yes! Finally!

Ross:Is it Mel Gibson?

Joey:No! We're never doing this again!

Joey:Hey, I'm not gonna get lost. I got lost one time!

Joey:One time!

Chandler:I'm making cranberries. You could say I'm a Chandler of cranberries!

Chandler:I'm not great at puns, but I'm working on it.

Joey:Yeah, well, keep working on it.

Rachel:Why is that guy here? He doesn't have a baby.

Monica:I know, it's weird.

Rachel:I mean, what kind of man comes to a baby beauty pageant without a baby?

Chandler:The same kind that keeps a van parked outside playgrounds?

Rachel:The pageant is weird because they have toddlers in adult hosiery.

Rachel:Phoebe, these pantyhose are completely see-through. It's so weird.

Phoebe:See-through? That's great! You can wear them with literally any outfit.

Phoebe:Oh wow, look at those arms! They're so tiny and chubby. You know, they remind me of Toby.

Phoebe:You know, that big tire guy? With the arms?

Phoebe:You have to stay! You don't understand — babies think you're beautiful. They do! It's like, their eyes are so open, and they're just looking at you, and they're thinking, 'Wow, she's amazing.' Babies are like the best judges of character and attractiveness combined. You could have a unibrow and smell like old cheese, and a baby would still be like, 'That's my favorite person in the whole world.'

Rachel:Oh, I'm going to win this pageant, and if I don't, I'll give you something to cry about.

Rachel:Absolutely not, Phoebe. Emma is not getting makeup.

Phoebe:Oh come on, just a little mascara!

Rachel:No. She's a baby. No makeup.

Phoebe:Fine, fine. But look at her nails.

Rachel:What about her nails? Oh my God! Phoebe!

Phoebe:What? They're adorable!

Rachel:Those are gel nails! How did you— when did you do this?

Phoebe:Last Tuesday. She loves the color. It's called 'Princess Pink.'

Ross:This is ridiculous! The ref completely missed that call!

Joey:Yeah! That ref is a total moron! He couldn't see a goal if it flew up his—

Ross:You know what? I'm actually enjoying this. No Chandler means no jokes about my paleontology, no comments about my hair, and I can eat as much as I want without him making fun of me.

Joey:These are way better seats than when I went to the ice skating thing.

Joey:Michelle Kwan couldn't even read my banner!

Chandler:Could you BE any later? I've been waiting here for twenty minutes!

Chandler:You know what? Fine. I brought cranberry sauce, and I'm declaring it a holiday. We're now celebrating Cranberry Day. So technically, you're late to a holiday.

Rachel:Oh, this? I won it at a spelling bee.

Rachel:I won my school spelling bee in the sixth grade.

Monica:Really? What word did you have to spell?

Rachel:Cat.

Monica:Cat?

Rachel:C-A-T.

Joey:World's Greatest Dad.

Rachel:Well, I mean, it could be a metaphorical thing. Like, you know, 'cause you're really good at taking care of people.

Phoebe:It's not just about the money, Ross. It's about celebrating women and their achievements.

Ross:Right, right, of course. So when's the next one? We should make this an annual thing.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! That outfit - where'd that come from?

Joey:That's from my Cabbage Patch Kid!

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? You can't just undress her like that! She's got feelings, okay? Cover her up!

Phoebe:I got mugged on the way here.

Monica:Oh my God, are you okay?

Phoebe:Yeah, I'm fine. But you know what? Mugging victims get so much sympathy. Nobody ever questions their story. They just accept it and move on.

Chandler:So you're saying you're going to use being mugged as an excuse to be late to things?

Phoebe:Well, yeah. It's the perfect crime.

Phoebe:You don't look mugged.

Ross:What?

Phoebe:Well, if you're going to tell people you got mugged, you should at least look like it.

Monica:Oh my God, is that Joey's foam finger or did he just get really buff?

Monica:You went to the game without me? That's it. I'm taking away your keys, I'm changing the locks, and I'm donating all your stuff to charity. And if you ever come back here, I will hurt you.

Ross:I got mugged.

Ross:They took my wallet, my watch, my shoes...

Ross:And they ripped my shirt pocket off.

Ross:We could tell her the truth.

Chandler:No, no, no. We need something better.

Joey:What if we just... ran away?

Ross:Or we could fake our own deaths and start new lives in Canada.

Joey:Hey, I'm not gonna judge you. I've had friends who've done PCP.

Ross:It's like a little worm doing the backstroke in a vat of blue dye.

Ross:Okay, okay, I've got it. Rock, paper, scissors, lizard.

Joey:Lizard? What does lizard do?

Ross:Lizard eats paper.

Joey:Lizard eats paper? That doesn't make sense!

Ross:Well, it makes as much sense as a rock crushing scissors!

Ross:Fire beats everything.

Phoebe:Oh yeah? Well, my grandmother's smell beats fire.

Ross:You know what? I concede. You win. You're better at this than me.

Joey:You guys, you really gotta start locking that door. I walked in on you two yesterday and I saw things I can't unsee. I'm talking full-on... I mean, Monica was on the couch and Chandler was—you know what, I'm not even gonna describe it. Let's just say I'm gonna need therapy and possibly a new pair of eyes.

Monica:Okay, so nobody took the subway, right? We all drove.

Chandler:Right, we drove. All of us.

Monica:Because I found this on the floor.

Monica:A MetroCard. With five swipes missing.

Joey:No, no, no! Get it away from me! That's not mine! I'm telling you, that foam finger just appeared there! Why would I even have a foam finger? I don't go to games! Come on, you gotta believe me!

Chandler:Why is there a dead turkey under my door?

Monica:I was trying to get it away from Ugly Naked Guy!

Chandler:Oh, that's funny, because I just had the weirdest dream that I was in Fraggle Rock and Gobo was trying to steal my wallet.

Phoebe:We could play a game! Whoever wins gets to eat it.

Ross:What kind of game?

Phoebe:I know! Smelly Cat!

Ross:That's not a game, that's just a song you sing.

Phoebe:Well, we could make it a game! We sing it, and whoever sings it best gets the turkey!

Joey:What is this? There's a vegetable in here!

Monica:That's called eating healthy, Joey.

Joey:Healthy?! Monica, I think it's still alive!

Monica:Look, we discovered something amazing about Brussels sprouts!

Other character:Yeah, they're stinky.

Monica:Stinky?! They are NOT stinky! They're delicate and sophisticated!

Ross:Look, Monica and Chandler are together, which means they're a unit. A unit is a single entity. So technically, when they're together, they're one person. Which means Monica is always with Chandler, and Chandler is always with Monica. So really, they're never apart.

Chandler:Thank you, thank you. Yes, well, I was going for that perfect balance between tart and sweet.

Chandler:Although, if I'm being honest, I mostly just dumped a can of Ocean Spray into a bowl and hoped no one would notice.

Ross:Monica, I'm really sorry. I mean it.

Monica:Oh, so now you're giving me the eyes? The sincere eyes? That's your move now?

Ross:No, I'm just—

Monica:Because that's not going to work. I see what you're doing. You learned that from Dad.

Chandler:It's like looking at the world through a mail slot.

Monica:Where are the pies?

Rachel:Oh, I forgot them at Bloomingdale's.

Monica:You forgot them at Bloomingdale's?

Rachel:I know, I know, I'm sorry. But look, I won my baby pageant trophy!

Ross:Now, if we could all just take a moment to appreciate the historical significance of—

Monica:Ross, if you don't sit down right now, I will take away your dessert.

Ross:Monica, we're both adults.

Monica:I don't care. Sit.

Joey:I'm not hungry. I could take it or leave it.

Monica:Really? Because you're drooling.

Joey:I'm not drooling, you're drooling.

Chandler:Wait, so we're all just... what, five people now?

Joey:Actually, I count six. There's you, me, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Monica... and that angry vein on her forehead.

Monica:JOEY!

Joey:How bad could it be?

Ross:Joey, what are you doing?

Joey:I'm stuck! I'm actually stuck!

Ross:You're not stuck, you're just being dramatic.

Joey:No, seriously, I can't get out!

Joey:I can't move my head. If I damage my brain, I won't be able to act anymore.

Ross:Joey, you don't use your brain when you act.

Joey:Hey, I can't feel my ears!

Joey:Wait... I never could feel my ears. How do I know they're even there?

Chandler:Tools? Oh sure, they're right next to my carpentry skills and my ability to be useful around the house. Which is to say, I have no idea where they are because I don't own any tools. I'm not a handyman. I'm a guy who once tried to hang a picture and ended up calling a professional.

Joey:Yeah, I borrowed them from Chandler, who borrowed them from Monica, who borrowed them from Ross. And I... left them at the park.

Ross:Could you BE any more stuck?

Phoebe:Your head looks really big from this angle.

Ross:Yeah, and your butt is at a very unflattering height right now.

Phoebe:We should probably help him.

Ross:In a minute.

Monica:Hello? Oh hi! No, I can't talk right now, I'm sorry. I have to go treat my varicose vein like it's the final authority on what I do with my time.

Joey:Guys, come on! This isn't funny anymore!

Chandler:Oh, we're just getting started.

Joey:Please! I'm begging you!

Ross:What's the matter, Joe? Can't take a joke?

Joey:This is not a joke! Let me out of here!

Monica:What happened here?!

Monica:Joey, there's food everywhere! It's like a crime scene committed by floating heads!

Monica:Do you know how long it takes to clean this? And you're just floating around here like some kind of disembodied—

Monica:You know what? I don't even want to know. Just... floating heads. That's all I see now. Floating heads making messes in my apartment!

Monica:I don't even care about the mess anymore.

Monica:Last Thanksgiving, I was alone, crying into a bowl of sweet potatoes. This year, I have a baby!

Monica:So this is definitely better.

Rachel:I'm so happy about the adoption!

Phoebe:Oh, that's wonderful! We should totally put the baby in pageants!

Joey:I totally get it. It's like when I was waiting for my action figure to come out. I kept calling the store, 'Is it here yet? Is it here yet?' Finally they said, 'Sir, we're going to have to ask you to stop calling.'

Joey:It's like shopping for toys, you know? You go in, you see something you like, you take it home.

Ross:Yes, Joey, adoption is exactly like shopping for toys. Except, you know, with less returning things and more permanent life-altering decisions.