The One With Russ

Monica:You need to wear underwear for your performance.

Joey:Why? My royal subjects need to breathe!

Joey:I can't believe I'm finally getting reviewed! This is it, this is my big break!

Monica:That's great, Joey! What did the review say?

Joey:Well... let me read it to you. 'Joey Tribbiani's performance was like watching paint dry, except the paint would be more entertaining and require less emotional damage to witness.'

Monica:Oh my God...

Joey:Wait, there's more. 'His delivery was wooden, his timing was nonexistent, and his attempt at emotional range felt like watching a cardboard cutout try to cry.'

Monica:Joey, I'm so sorry.

Joey:They end with, 'We can only hope this is his last performance.' Monica... I'm terrible. I'm never going to make it as an actor.

Joey:Maybe the other papers will be better.

Chandler:Wait, this is great! Listen to this: 'Chandler Bing is a shining example of what it means to be a dedicated professional. His colleagues admire his work ethic and his quick wit makes every day in the office...'

Chandler:...a living nightmare. He's annoying, he's self-absorbed, and nobody actually likes him.'

Joey:When I was a kid, I wanted to be a veterinarian.

Joey:But then I found out you had to put your hand up a cow's butt.

Joey:So I became an actor instead.

Ross:I had the worst day at the museum today. A student knocked over a display case with a priceless artifact, and guess who had to explain it to the director?

Ross:So there I am, covered in dust, holding a broken dinosaur bone that's approximately 65 million years old, and the director asks me, 'Geller, how did this happen?' And I just looked at him and said, 'Well, it survived the extinction of the Cretaceous period, but it could not survive a field trip.'

Fun Bobby:Watch this, I can still pick people up!

Fun Bobby:(picks up Monica)

Monica:Oh my God!

Monica:Oh my God, this is it. This is the moment. This is the romantic moment.

Fun Bobby:Yeah...

Monica:We're about to kiss.

Monica:You know, I think things are really going to work out for me. I mean, sure, I've had my share of disappointments, but I really feel like my luck is changing.

Monica:I'm like a flower that's been in the shade for so long, and now I'm finally getting the sunshine I deserve. And when the rain comes, it'll just water my petals and make me grow even stronger. And the wind will gently carry my seeds of hope to new gardens of possibility.

Monica:We could go to Fun Bobby's cousin's cabin!

Chandler:Fun Bobby has a cousin?

Monica:Well, no. But if he did, they'd have a cabin.

Rachel:I got this wine glass at the museum gift shop. It's a replica of an ancient artifact.

Rachel:The description says it was used for... well, let's just say it had multiple purposes.

Monica:Fun Bobby drank most of the wine?

Rachel:Yeah, I think he has a drinking problem.

Monica:A drinking problem? Rachel, the guy's name is Fun Bobby!

Phoebe:So there I was, at this party, right? And I'm talking to this guy, and he's like, 'You seem cool,' and I'm like, 'Yeah, I am.' So we do some shots...

Phoebe:And then we're at this other party, and there's a guy on the roof with a llama...

Phoebe:And the llama's wearing a tuxedo, and I'm like, 'Why is there a llama in a tuxedo?' And he's like, 'That's what I'm trying to figure out!'

Phoebe:So then I'm in Atlantic City with a guy named Klaus, and we're in a hot air balloon, and there's this ostrich...

Monica:Drinking is normal at bars, parties, weddings, funerals...

Monica:But the zoo? Nobody goes to the zoo to drink.

Chandler:That's where you're wrong. I got hammered at the Bronx Zoo last summer.

Fun Bobby:This is nonfat milk?

Rachel:Yeah.

Fun Bobby:Nonfat milk doesn't have any fat in it?

Rachel:No.

Fun Bobby:Then what's making it white?

Fun Bobby:You know what this coffee needs? It needs to be Irish!

Chandler:What are you talking about?

Fun Bobby:Irish coffee! I'm gonna make it Irish.

Fun Bobby:First, I'll teach it to say things like 'top of the morning' and 'faith and begorrah.'

Monica:That's not what Irish coffee means.

Fun Bobby:Then I'll play some bagpipes next to it!

Ross:That's Scottish, and also no.

Fun Bobby:I drink on Mondays because it's the start of the week. Tuesdays because I'm already behind. Wednesdays for hump day. Thursdays because Friday's coming. Fridays because it's the weekend. Saturdays because it IS the weekend. And Sundays because I need to recover from the weekend.

Fun Bobby:And Flag Day.

Chandler:Flag Day?

Fun Bobby:You got a problem with that?

Fun Bobby:I'm going to quit drinking.

Chandler:Why would we want to do that?

Phoebe:Oh my God, is David Hasselhoff back in show business?

Joey:No, Phoebe, he's dead.

Phoebe:Oh no, Lorne Greene died?

Chandler:Yeah, like two years ago.

Phoebe:Oh... I didn't know that.

Phoebe:We should have a soap opera themed party!

Monica:What would that even look like?

Phoebe:Well, everyone has to speak in dramatic whispers, we dim all the lights, and someone has to reveal they're actually evil.

Chandler:So... a normal day at my office?

Phoebe:And at the end, someone comes back from the dead!

Ross:Phoebe, that's not really how soap operas—

Phoebe:I've already invited my grandmother. She's been dead for three years.

Chandler:Wait, you have plans? Outside of us? I'm shocked. Truly shocked. What's next, Monica organizing something that isn't color-coded?

Rachel:Everyone, this is Russ.

Russ:Hi, great to meet you all.

Monica:So, Russ, what do you do?

Russ:I'm a paleontologist.

Chandler:...

Joey:...

Phoebe:...

Monica:...

Ross:...

Joey's Agent:Listen, your act is terrible. You're bombing every night. The jokes don't land, your timing is off, and frankly, nobody wants to watch you. You need to quit while you're ahead... actually, you're not ahead. You need to just quit.

Joey's agent:Have you ever seen me excited?

Joey:No.

Joey's agent:Well, I'm excited now.

Joey:I slept with the casting director.

Chandler:You slept with her?

Joey:Well, let's just say my little actor got the part.

Joey's Agent:Let me look into this for you, Joey. I'll make some calls, do some investigating.

Joey's Agent:Yeah, you're right. Nobody wants you.

Monica:Can you say something funny?

Fun Bobby:I went to the grocery store yesterday and they were out of my favorite cereal. Can you believe that?

Fun Bobby:So I'm at this bar, right? And the bartender says to me, he says, 'You look like you could use a drink.' And I say, 'Yeah, I could use a drink.' So he makes me a drink. And I drink it.

Monica:So Bobby's going on an interview? That's great! You know what we should call him when he gets back? 'Unemployed Bobby.' No wait, 'Dependency Bobby.' Actually, let's just stick with 'Fun Bobby' - at least that one's aspirational.

Rachel:He's not boring!

Monica:Rachel, he spent twenty minutes telling us about the thread count of his sheets.

Rachel:She's not upset, she's Monicaish.

Monica:I did this. I made him dull. If he was a wild horse, I broke him.

Rachel:Monica, that's not true.

Monica:No, it is. I should let him go. Set him free.

Chandler:Yeah, but Monica, he's not a wild horse. He's a guy. And guys don't get more interesting when you set them free. They just get more boring.

Russ:Well, there's the blonde one, and the... the other blonde one, and then there's the one with the... the hair. And Monica, she's... she's very vertical. Phoebe is quite... odiferous at times. And Chandler, well, he's got that thing where he says words in a way that's, um, syntactically peculiar.

Monica:Who does Russ remind you of?

Phoebe:Um, I don't know. Lyle Lovett?

Monica:No, I mean doesn't he remind you of someone we know?

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! Oh! Is it Woody Harrelson?

Monica:She's just upset because... her apartment building is being fumigated and she has to stay with her mother for a week.

Ross:Russ? Russ is taking you out? Russ from the museum?

Rachel:Yeah, why?

Ross:No reason. He seems like a great guy. A great, great guy.

Ross:You two will have a really nice time.

Chandler:Treating a human being like a replacement part

Chandler:Our jobs are nothing alike. We work night and day.

Joey:Yeah, well so do I. I'm an actor.

Chandler:That's not the same thing.

Joey:Why not? I work nights at the club, days on auditions.

Chandler:Okay, fine. We're exactly the same. We both work night and day doing completely different things that pay us almost nothing.

Ross:I'm attracted to her, okay? It's like a moth to a flame.

Chandler:A moth to a flame?

Ross:Yes!

Chandler:Ross, she studies moths.

Ross:I know.

Chandler:You just compared her to a flame that attracts moths. That's not romantic, that's just accurate.

Ross:I mean, look at him. He's so pretentious, so self-absorbed. He only cares about himself!

Chandler:Ross, that's you.

Ross:No it's not!

Ross:And another thing - he has this annoying way of talking where he emphasizes certain words for no reason whatsoever.

Ross:Like, 'I really think that we should, you know, maybe consider the possibility that...'

Chandler:Yeah, well, you do the same thing.

Ross:What? No I don't!

Chandler:Yes you do. You do that thing where you pause... and then you say 'I know.'

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Joey, what are you doing?

Joey:What? I'm hungry!

Chandler:Hungry? You're eating like you're training for some kind of pasta Olympics!

Joey:Well, I figured out that if I eat fast enough, I can taste each noodle individually before my brain registers how full I am.

Joey:How do you sleep with someone?

Chandler:Well, first you lie down next to them...

Joey:No, no, I mean how do you actually do it?

Chandler:Joey, it's like a children's book. You open up the cover and... look at the pictures.

Joey:Yeah, I'd buy her breakfast.

Rachel:You'd buy her breakfast?

Joey:Well, yeah. I mean, first we'd go back to my place, we'd do it, and then I'd buy her breakfast.

Rachel:Oh, so you'd buy her breakfast AFTER.

Joey:Well, yeah! I mean, what am I gonna do, buy her breakfast and then do it? I'm not gonna buy her breakfast before!

Chandler:So Joey got a job and sex in the same week. It's like Christmas, except it smells better and it's happening to Joey.

Chandler:So you're telling me you changed your penis nickname from 'The Bam-Bam' to 'The Enforcer'?

Joey:Yeah, I got promoted.

Chandler:Promoted? What, did you sleep with more women?

Joey:I got a battlefield commission.

Fun Bobby:I'll have a scotch.

Bartender:Aren't you sober?

Fun Bobby:Yeah, but I'm not boring about it anymore.

Ross:You're a weenie!

Russ:I'm a weenie? You're a weenie!

Ross:We're both weenies.

Russ:No, that's not right. The answer is 'Moody Blues.'

Ross:Moody Blues? That's a band.

Russ:Yes, the Moody Blues. M-O-O-D-Y B-L-U-E-S.

Ross:Heh heh, you said 'moody.'

Phoebe:It's like, you know how you wear a sleeve? Well, Russ is like a whole sweater!

Monica:Phoebe, that doesn't make any sense.

Ross:It's not a break, it's a break-up!

Russ:No, no, no. A break-up implies a relationship ending. This is just a break.

Ross:That's the same thing!

Russ:No it's not. One is temporary, one is permanent.

Ross:She said she wanted to see other people!

Russ:Exactly. See? You're not even listening to the nuance of what she said.

Ross:A paleontologist is a real scientist. You're just a dentist.

Russ:Just a dentist? I help people every day!

Ross:Yeah, with their teeth. I study the evolution of entire species that shaped our world.

Russ:Well, at least people actually want to see me.

Ross:It's not just about drilling and filling. Dentistry is a complex science that requires years of rigorous study, understanding of oral pathology, pharmacology, and surgical techniques.

Monica:Oh my God, they're exactly the same person!

Monica:It's like looking at twins arguing with each other.

Monica:Would you sleep with someone for a job?

Chandler:Well, I'm not sleeping with anyone for THIS job.

Monica:I'm bringing alcohol because Bobby's personality is really boring, and I figure if we all get drunk enough, he'll seem interesting.

Monica:Even his yawns are boring. He yawns like he's apologizing for being tired.

Bobby:Monica, why do you have so many alcohol bottles?

Monica:Oh, those? They're for... decorative purposes. I'm collecting bottles from around the world!

Phoebe:I'll take those mini bottles off your hands.

Bobby:Why?

Phoebe:I'm gonna use them to make little clothes for my dolls.

Russ:Does anyone know who Rachel thinks I resemble?

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! Fonzie!

Rachel:No, Phoebe, I said he looks like my dad.

Phoebe:Oh, that's right. Fonzie's your dad.