The One With Phoebes Dad

Monica:Oh my God, look at Ugly Naked Guy! He's actually decorating his Christmas tree!

Chandler:Yeah, and look at the size of those balls he's hanging.

Joey:Whoa!

Monica:Those are huge!

Monica:The cookies are a nice gesture. People appreciate homemade gifts.

Rachel:Monica, we're broke.

Chandler:So what you're saying is, cookies are a sign of caring. Well then, I must really care about myself because I ate an entire box of Chips Ahoy last night. In fact, I think I care about myself so much, I'm going to go eat another box right now to show myself how much I love me.

Chandler:These brownies are amazing. Are they funny brownies?

Phoebe:Well, I don't know about funny, but they do have a cup of prune juice in them.

Monica:Why won't Rachel like the newspaper delivery?

Monica:Oh no, my cookies are all stuck to it!

Monica:The newspaper delivery guy did the crossword puzzle and wrote a hostile message in the crossword answers

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. Geese are laying? As in... sexually?

Ross:No, Chandler, it's just the song. 'Five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.'

Chandler:I know the song, I just didn't realize it was X-rated. What are these geese doing exactly?

Ross:They're laying eggs, Chandler.

Chandler:Oh. Well, that's disappointing.

Ross:It's a Slinky. I know, I know, it's not much, but... I just wanted to apologize for—

Rachel:It's perfect, Ross.

Ross:Really?

Rachel:Really.

Ross:*clears throat and begins singing* Slinky, Slinky, everybody wants a Slinky...

Ross:Do you have any stairs?

Gunther:Yeah, in the back.

Ross:Great! I need them for my Slinky.

Gunther:Sure. Take whatever you want. It's not like I use them or anything.

Chandler:Nice blouse. Very... military.

Chandler:Does it come with a little hat? Maybe some medals?

Chandler:I'm just saying, if your mom wants to invade a small country, she's dressed for it.

Chandler:Phoebe, that's a stock photo. It's a picture that comes with the frame. It's not your father.

Phoebe:Well, how do you know?

Chandler:Because... nobody's father is that attractive. And also, the back of the frame says 'Photo Not Included.'

Chandler:Your life is like a TV talk show topic. Next on Oprah: 'I have seven fathers and I'm okay.'

Phoebe:Well, maybe he was just really blue that day.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. So Phoebe's dating situation gets a full discussion, but nobody wants to hear about my love life?

Monica:Chandler, we've heard about your love life.

Chandler:Yeah, like, what, once? In 1995?

Phoebe:What are you doing?

Grandma:Going through my address book, crossing out names.

Phoebe:You lied to me! You're a liar, liar, pants on fire!

Phoebe's Grandmother:Phoebe, that's just a saying—

Phoebe:No, no, no. I can see the flames. Your pants are literally on fire right now. We need to get you to a hospital!

Phoebe:It's harder to argue with my mom now that she's dead.

Joey:Why, what's different?

Phoebe:Well, it's harder. Not impossible, but harder.

Phoebe:Wait, so my whole life my dad was just a pharmacist? What about when he said he was a tree surgeon in Burma?

Joey:So I'm describing my father in this red suit and boots, and I'm like, 'He's not very merry Christmas.' And then he tells me the outfit wasn't for Christmas at all.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! It's Christmas Eve and I haven't finished my shopping!

Chandler:Could you BE any more panicked?

Monica:This is not funny, Chandler! Everyone's going to be here in two hours!

Chandler:So what you're saying is we have exactly enough time for you to completely freak out, cry for a while, and then pull together a miracle last-minute solution?

Monica:Yes!

Chandler:Well then, you're right on schedule. It's like one of those Christmas specials where everything works out in the end, except with more yelling.

Rachel:Monica, he's a mailman. He destroys packages for a living. He's not going to understand the concept of 'cookies.'

Rachel:I mean, come on, he's basically a pigeon with a uniform.

Rachel:Well, you're emotionally unavailable, and you can be very condescending. And another thing — you're really bad in bed.

Ross:I'm not bad in bed!

Rachel:And you're going bald.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, maybe I wouldn't have to keep calling if your name wasn't such a lie! You're not very helpful, and you're not my friend!

Phoebe:Wait, so my grandmother lied about my father? About who he actually was?

Monica:Yeah, Phoebs.

Phoebe:Oh my God. Oh my God! What else has she lied about? Is my mother actually my mother? Am I actually Phoebe?

Rachel:I'm pretty sure you're Phoebe.

Phoebe:You're pretty sure? PRETTY SURE?! I need to know for certain!

Chandler:So let me get this straight. You're looking for your father in upstate New York, which has a population of about 7.5 million people. The odds of finding him are about one in... *counts on fingers* ...a lot.

Phoebe:My father was very important to me.

Monica:Of course he was.

Phoebe:He taught me so much about life. He was a man of principle, integrity, and honor.

Chandler:That's beautiful.

Phoebe:Yeah, except he stole a car. A really cheap one.

Grandma:If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far.

Phoebe:Okay Grandpa, wish me luck. I'm going to meet my father for the first time.

Joey:Did Phoebe arrive with the cab yet?

Chandler:No, Joey, she didn't. If she had arrived with the cab, we would see her standing here with the cab. But we don't see her or the cab, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say she hasn't arrived with the cab yet.

Ross:Phoebe, why is there a note on your dashboard that says 'Stop at red lights'?

Phoebe:Oh, that? Yeah, I need those reminders or I just kind of... go through them.

Ross:You 'go through' red lights? Phoebe, that's incredibly dangerous!

Phoebe:I know, I know. That's why I also have a note that says 'Don't hit things'.

Ross:Does this seatbelt work?

Phoebe:Oh, it works great! Well, it worked great until I hit that pedestrian.

Ross:I'm not obsessed with the temperature! You're all obsessed with telling me to turn down the heat!

Monica:I can fix it. I fixed the sink last week.

Chandler:Yeah, and I'm sure the radiator will respond beautifully to your complete lack of mechanical knowledge and your tendency to make things worse.

Monica:I know how to fix things!

Chandler:Oh sure, you're basically Bob Villa. Except, you know, the opposite of that.

Monica:Well, at least the radiator keeps things warm around here.

Chandler:Yeah, and at least your jokes keep things... awkward.

Rachel:It's so hot in here! Can we please get the air conditioning fixed?

Super:I'll look into it.

Rachel:You know what? Maybe I should just bake you some cookies and you'll fix it faster.

Rachel:Oh my God, people would be like, 'Why is it so hot in here?' And we'd be like, 'It's a theme party!' And they'd be like, 'What's the theme?' And we'd be like, 'Heat!'

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! I get it now. The numbers go in order!

Ross:It says 'apply generously.' I'm being generous!

Rachel:Ross, that's not what that means.

Ross:Well, the bottle says to use a lot, and I'm using a lot. I'm following the directions!

Chandler:Yeah, but it also says 'for external use only' and you've got enough in there to sculpt a small monument.

Chandler:Alright, listen up! Ice distribution is now first come, first served. No cutting, no exceptions!

Chandler:You get three cubes. You get three cubes. Everyone gets three cubes!

Chandler:Monica, I don't care if you're my wife, that's still three cubes!

Mr. Treeger:The temperature at the party? It was perfect. You know why? Because all those people there, their skin was doing the cooling.

Mr. Treeger:Human skin is like a natural air conditioner. The more people you got in a room, the cooler it gets. It's science.

Monica:He's playing baseball with negotiations.

Rachel:Monica, that doesn't even make sense.

Monica:I don't care!

Rachel:Wow, Ross. You know, for a guy who's always talking about seizing the day, you really know how to seize a super.

Treeger:You know what this is? Mistletoe. So, what do you say?

Monica:No.

Treeger:You didn't even let me finish!

Monica:No.

Chandler:Well, you got to the building, so that's something!

Phoebe:I can't go to my father's house. He might be there.

Monica:But Phoebe, isn't that the whole point?

Phoebe:No! See, my real father, Frank Sr., he might show up. But my fake father, the one I made up in my head to feel better about my childhood, he's always there for me. And if I go to the house, I might run into my real father and lose my fake father forever.

Phoebe:Can I use your bathroom?

Frank Jr.:Yeah, of course.

Phoebe:Actually, no. No, I'm gonna hold it.

Ross:See, the way I figured it, even though you don't have a car, if you hang these from your rearview mirror in your apartment, and every time you walk by, you smell that new car smell, you'll feel like you own a car.

Rachel:Ross, that's...

Ross:What? It's practical!

Phoebe:Oh my God, a gift card to the gas station? This is so thoughtful!

Monica:We thought you could use it for, you know, practical things.

Phoebe:Practical? Monica, I'm a musician and a masseuse. I don't even own a car!

Rachel:Well, you could get snacks? They have really good snacks.

Phoebe:Great. So my gift is beef jerky and air freshener shaped like a pine tree. I'm living the dream.

Chandler:What is this?

Joey:It's a soda.

Chandler:Just one?

Joey:No, it's two! Look, there's a little bottle inside the big bottle.

Monica:Here, I got you something.

Monica:Trojan wants to be like Viagra now, so they came out with these vibrating condoms. They're amazing!

Monica:The slogan is 'It's not just inside, it's all around.'