The One with the Lesbian Wedding

There was a projectile, uh...throwing up incident, but he started it.

We're getting married.

As in, 'I now pronounce you wife and wife' married?

Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.

What would it say about me if I couldn't, uh, revel in your joy? And I'm reveling, baby. Believe me.

Is your finger caught in that chair? Mm-hm. Want us to go? Uh-huh.

Then I started thinking about us, and how these are the days of our lives.

[IN UNISON] Yes!

They love each other. They wanna celebrate that love with the people close to them. If you wanna call that a reason.

[SINGING] Who's the bitterest man In the living room? The bitterest man In the living room? Hi, neighbor.

If she were marrying a guy, she'd be the worst lesbian ever.

No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.

She taught me about how to work with the cameras and smell-the-fart acting.

Like this: [pause for intense look]

Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee.

For a minute, I thought you were actually smelling something.

I gotta get to work. I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect. No, that's me. Oh, right.

One of my clients died on the massage table today.

That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

Little did she know God thought, 'Okay, but that's it.'

I can't decide between lamb or duck. Well, lambs are scarier. Or the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.

I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim. And this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] Talk about crap, just listen to Stella Neidman tell her story about Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] Sit up!

Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? I guess that's the fun.

The last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.

If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink. Believe me, sometimes that happens.

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] I know who you remind me of. Evelyn Durmer. That's before the lousy face-lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.

There's an unattractive nude man playing the cello. Just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

I'm, uh, considering leaving your father.

Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be sick. What? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.

When I was little, all parents got divorced. I figured as an adult, I wouldn't have to worry about it.

When my parents divorced, they sent me to a shrink and she told me that kids blame themselves. But in your case, it's actually kind of true.

Damn. My mail-order grandfather hasn't come yet.

Although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.

No, I spent most of my morning trying to stand up.

I remember she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time. I'm sorry. There's laughing in my head. Worth a shot, huh?

See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.

Actually, I think you said: 'Don't touch that and get out of my kitchen.' Really? Weird. Anyway...

Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?

What's new in sex?

I'm dicing. I'm dicing. I don't hear anything.

You didn't marry your Barry, honey. But I married mine.

I feel like you should have German subtitles.

I'm sorry! It's the pigs! They're reluctant to get in the blanket!

But if you don't help, I'm gonna take those hot dogs and create an appetizer called 'Pigs In Ross.'

You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.

If my parents didn't want me to marry you...no way that would've stopped me.

I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.

Well, now you understand how I feel every single day. The world is my lesbian wedding.

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] Oh, my God. Now I've seen everything! [IN NORMAL VOICE] Whoa, she's gone.

How's that pig-in-the-blanket working out for you? I wrapped those bad boys.

I think it's time you forget about Rose, move on with your life. How about we get you a drink?

I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over at the buffet.

Look, penis, schmenis! Okay? We're all people.