The One With The Lesbian Wedding

Ross:Well, the baby started it!

Carol:Ross, there's something I need to tell you. It's about us.

Ross:What? What is it?

Carol:I'm a lesbian.

Ross:As in, 'I now pronounce you wife and wife' married?

Ross:Oh sure, I'd love to go to your wedding. It'll be just like my wedding to Carol, except this time I won't have to pay for it.

Ross:I'm reveling, baby! I'm reveling!

Ross:I'm so happy for you guys, really. This is great.

Carol:Thanks, Ross. That means a lot.

Ross:No, seriously, I'm thrilled. You two are perfect together.

Ross:Um, guys? You can go now. You should probably leave.

Carol:What? We just got here.

Ross:I know, but I'm kind of... stuck. Behind this couch. So if you could just...

Joey:It's not just a job, it's my life. Days of Our Lives.

Monica:Oh my God, that's terrible!

Rachel:Yeah, so terrible.

Monica:When is the wedding?

Rachel:Saturday.

Ross:But why do they even need to get married? I mean, they're happy together.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross. Because they're in love? Hello?

Ross:Yeah, but that's not really a reason...

Rachel:It's not a reason? What else do you need, a coupon?

Chandler:♪ Ross is bitter, Ross is sad, Ross's love life's really bad, he's bitter, so bitter, Ross the bitter guy ♪

Monica:Ross, Carol IS marrying a guy. She's marrying Susan's girlfriend.

Joey:No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.

Joey:So this actress, she taught me about sfumato. It's like, you know, when you're acting and you gotta blend all your emotions together, make it all smoky and mysterious.

Joey:I've been doing it wrong the whole time. I thought it was 'sfu-mah-toe.' Turns out it's 'sfoo-mah-toe.'

Joey:No wait, that's not even a real acting thing, is it?

Joey:It's a very important acting technique. You smell the fart.

Chandler:You smell the fart?

Joey:Yeah, you know, like this...

Joey:I'm afraid I have some very serious news about your condition.

Joey:But first, has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen? Are you a patient here too, or are you just naturally this gorgeous?

Chandler:What is that? What are you doing with your face?

Joey:I'm doing the smell-the-fart acting.

Chandler:Well, it looks like you're straining to pass one.

Chandler:That's what she said.

Ross:No, no, no. It's a dinosaur bone. I have to inspect it.

Chandler:Yeah, I know.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm okay. It's just my client Mrs. Adelman died.

Phoebe:Yeah, she fell down the stairs. But the good news is I charged her for the massage anyway because I'd already lit the scented candles.

Chandler:Well, at least they died doing what they loved... relaxing.

Phoebe:She probably woke up this morning, looked at her calendar and said, 'Well, I'm gonna have a nice breakfast, maybe take a walk in the park... and then I'm gonna die.'

Monica:So it's lamb or duck for the catering?

Chandler:Well, you know what they say... 'Silence of the Ducks.'

Rachel:Okay, so this one has a mysterious brown film, hints of what I'm hoping is just coffee, with a finish of—is that a thumbprint?

Rachel:And this beauty here features a lovely crusty rim, notes of old lipstick, and what appears to be a fossilized food particle from the Clinton administration.

Phoebe:My stories! Where are my stories? It's 2 o'clock, my stories come on at 2 o'clock!

Phoebe:And why is everything so bright? Turn down the lights! My eyes! My poor old eyes!

Phoebe:And who keeps eating my prune juice? I bought prune juice!

Phoebe:Also, my bosom itches.

Phoebe:I'm sensing a woman... she's very old... she's telling me something...

Phoebe:She says... 'GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT!'

Sandra Green:I mean, what is this place? Is it a coffee shop? A furniture store? I can't even tell.

Rachel:Yeah, Mom, it's called 'eclectic.' It's very fun not knowing what anything is.

Sandra:Hey Monica, you look great!

Monica:Thanks!

Sandra:I mean, after everything you went through... it's like you came back from the brink of darkness itself.

Sandra:You know, being a waitress is a really important job. You're providing a service, you're part of the hospitality industry.

Rachel:Yeah, well, yesterday I forgot to bring someone their food.

Sandra:Oh, that happens.

Rachel:They were still waiting when I left.

Mrs. Adelman's Spirit:Look at her face! She's had more work done than a highway construction site. And those lips! I've seen trout with smaller mouths.

Mrs. Adelman's Spirit:She's dressed like she's still going to Studio 54. Honey, that ended in 1986. So did your relevance.

Mrs. Adelman's Spirit:All that Botox and she still can't smile. She looks like she's perpetually smelling something bad.

Sandra:Oh my God, look at that guy playing cello in the window across the street. And he's completely naked!

Monica:You know what they say... the bigger the instrument, the smaller the—

Sandra:Rachel, I just want to know... are you really happy?

Rachel:Of course I am, Sandra. Why would you ask me that?

Sandra:I don't know, you just seem like something's missing.

Rachel:Well, nothing's missing. I have my job, my friends, my apartment—

Sandra:I'm getting married.

Monica:Is a lesbian wedding with chicken breast too cute?

Rachel:No, it's perfect!

Monica:Well, the chicken breasts are so tender and juicy, and when you bite into them, the juices just run down your... I mean, it's really moist.

Rachel:Monica, why are you getting so defensive about chicken?

Monica:I'm not! I'm just saying the nipples— I mean, the peaks of flavor are really highlighted by the lemon glaze.

Rachel:I mean, isn't there supposed to be some age where you stop worrying about your parents getting divorced? Like, I thought that was supposed to happen when I turned 18, or moved out, or got married...

Rachel:But apparently not. Apparently you worry about it forever.

Ross:Look, it's not your fault. Parents always blame themselves for the divorce.

Ross:But in your case, Rachel, you really should have seen the signs.

Chandler:I ordered a grandfather clock through the mail!

Phoebe:Thank you so much for coming to meet with me, Mr. Adelman.

Mr. Adelman:Well, I didn't have anything else to do. I'm 81 years old. My days are pretty much wide open.

Mr. Adelman:No thank you, I'm fine standing. My knees don't bend anymore.

Mr. Adelman:Would you do me a favor? My wife, she's been dead for eight years. Would you sleep with me?

Phoebe:No.

Mr. Adelman:Okay, well, if you talk to her, tell her I said hello.

Rachel:Look at Barry's costume!

Monica:What is he supposed to be?

Rachel:A dentist.

Chandler:What was he before?

Rachel:A dentist.

Monica:I said I don't need your help!

Joey:No, what you said was, 'Get out of my apartment, you're useless and you're in my way.'

Monica:Well, that's what I meant.

Sandra:Oh, I'm so excited for girls' time! We could go shopping, get manicures, maybe catch a movie?

Sandra's Mother:That sounds lovely, dear. Do you happen to know where I could score some cocaine?

Sandra:So girls, I want to be modern and hip like you. Can I ask... how often do you have sex?

Rachel:Um... that's... really personal.

Monica:Yeah, maybe we should talk about something else?

Sandra:No, no, I'm trying to be cool! Come on, just tell me!

Chandler:This is either the best or worst thing that's ever happened.

Sandra:Well, I've only been with one man... Rachel's father.

Monica:Okay, okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. I don't need to hear this.

Monica:I really, really don't need to hear this.

Parallel between Rachel not marrying Barry and Sandra regretting marrying hers

Chandler:Monica, you're like a Nazi general planning a military campaign in here.

Monica:Joey, come on, speed it up!

Joey:I'm trying, but these pigs in a blanket, they're not cooperating with me. Look at this one — he's just lying there, completely unresponsive.

Monica:They're pigs in a blanket, Joey!

Joey:I know what they are, but he's not listening to me!

Monica:Ross, if you don't help me with this wedding, I'm going to kill you. And it's not going to be quick. I'm going to take my time. I'm going to make it hurt. And then I'm going to serve you at the reception as pigs in a blanket.

Monica:Oh no! But I already bought my dress!

Monica:I mean... that's terrible for you guys.

Ross:Your parents will come around. I'm sure of it. You two are perfect for each other. You're going to have a great marriage.

Joey:It's like I'm Superman, right? But instead of Lois Lane, every woman is kryptonite. I keep flying toward them, thinking 'This is it, this is my moment,' but the second I get close, I'm weakening. My powers disappear. I crash to the ground. And then I have to fly away to some other city to try again.

Joey:I'm telling you, man, I feel completely powerless with women. Like I have no control over the situation.

Chandler:Oh, I know what you mean. It's like being a remote control with no batteries. You're just sitting there, and nobody wants to use you.

Phoebe:Oh my God, this is so beautiful. I can feel the spirits here.

Phoebe:There's an elderly spirit... he's offering me candy.

Phoebe:He says... he says you're going to regret this.

Phoebe:No wait, he's just saying that about all marriages. He's very negative.

Phoebe:Oh my God, look! Mrs. Adelman's spirit is finally satisfied after seeing this lesbian wedding.

Phoebe:She's departing peacefully now.

Joey:I'm telling you, man, I killed it with the catering today. Those appetizers? Perfection.

Chandler:You didn't cater anything, did you?

Joey:No, but I ate like I did. That's basically the same thing.

Chandler:You know what? You just gotta move on. Find a new woman, start fresh.

Chandler:Or, you know what? Have a drink.

Sandra:Oh my God, I am having the time of my life! These women are so attentive, so thoughtful... I haven't felt this appreciated since... well, ever! And everyone's being so nice to me, so welcoming. It's like they all want to make sure I'm having a good time. Which, you know, I am!

Ross:Oy, who needs it?