The One After The Super Bowl (2)

Unknown character:How big of a star is Marcel the monkey in human terms? Cybill Shepherd - a has-been celebrity comparison

Unknown:Which one's the director?

Unknown:The obvious answer delivered straight

Makeup artist:You have a mustache.

Actress:I do not have a mustache.

Makeup artist:It's right there above your lip. It looks like a tiny caterpillar doing the backstroke across your face.

Makeup artist:You can't do a romantic scene with a mustache.

Actress:Why not? Gabe Kaplan did it for years.

Sarcastic comment about their visibility

Stranger:Chandler?

Chandler:Yeah?

Stranger:I'm sorry, I just... I could tell by looking at you.

Chandler:Oh! Well, you got it. That's my name.

Stranger:I know. I just said it.

Chandler:Oh my God, is that... Monica Geller?

Monica:Yes! I can't believe you remember me!

Chandler:Of course I remember you. You look... completely different. In a good way. Like, shockingly good. I mean, not that you looked bad before, but wow, you really... glow now.

Monica:Thank you?

Chandler:I'm saying this all wrong, aren't I?

Chandler:I wore a cap with mirrors on it. I thought I was pimping.

Chandler:I know, I know, it was embarrassing. But you have to understand, I use humor as a defense mechanism.

Chandler:Could I BE any more serious right now?

Monica:Van Damme is so attractive.

Chandler:Yeah, Van Damme... Van Handsome.

Joey:Van Damme... Van Slam!

Monica:Well, he was okay, but I mean, if he could actually time cop, he'd go back and stop himself from making that movie.

Rachel:Fear of basic human interaction

Rachel:Okay, fine. I'll go talk to him.

Rachel:Hi! I'm Rachel. I can alphabetize!

Monica:Rachel thinks you're cute.

Van Damme:What about you? Do you think I'm cute?

Monica:I think you're very talented.

Van Damme:Tell her I'm interested in Monica instead.

Susie:So when a girl laughs at all your jokes, touches your arm, and asks what you're doing this weekend... what does that mean to you?

Reference back to childhood panties incident

Chandler:Oh God, oh God, oh God. She heard me? She heard what I said about her?

Monica:Chandler, relax. It was just a joke.

Chandler:A joke?! I basically told her she had the body of a... I can't even say it out loud!

Monica:I turned down Van Damme for Rachel's sake.

Rachel:You did?

Monica:Well, no. But I'm saying I did.

Monica:I said no to protect you, Rachel.

Monica:Yes, I'd love to go out with you.

Joey:Drew Barrymore is so hot, I would—

Joey:Oh, hey ladies.

Phoebe:I'll get you an espresso!

Monica:That's okay, Phoebe. I'll just get it myself.

Phoebe:No, no, I'm going to do it!

Monica:Really, it's fine. I appreciate it, but I can—

Phoebe:Monica, I'm getting you an espresso.

Monica:Okay... thank you.

Phoebe:You're welcome!

Monica:You know what? On second thought, I'll just make it myself.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You're talking about trust? You're the one who read Rachel's diary!

Monica:That was different!

Chandler:How is that different? You betrayed her trust.

Joey:Hey, that's not fair! If I had a pigeon, I wouldn't cancel on it!

Ross:I'm done. I'm completely done.

Chandler:What do you mean you're done? You're not done, you're medium-well at best.

Phoebe:Wait, what do you mean 'fork'? I don't eat meat, so I don't know what you're talking about.

Phoebe:Oh! You mean the vegetables are ready when they can be pierced with a fork? That's so specific. Why a fork? Why not a spoon? Or a knife? Or just... your finger?

Phoebe:You know, carrots have to be heated to at least 165 degrees to be considered fully cooked.

Ross:Phoebe, that's not really how it works...

Phoebe:Well then how do you know when a carrot is done? When it stops screaming?

Ross:Okay, by that logic, I'm not done either because I'm still screaming on the inside.

Chandler:My perfect woman would be sexually adventurous and ask me, 'Could we do it on the kitchen table?' And I'd say, 'Sure, but we should probably move the Thanksgiving turkey first.'

Chandler:I don't know, Joey. What if I'm not adventurous enough?

Joey:Hey, you just gotta go for it, man. Women love confidence.

Chandler:But what if I mess up?

Joey:Then you mess up! At least you tried. That's what counts.

Chandler:How long do you think it will take?

Joey:With me? Three minutes.

Chandler:Three minutes?!

Joey:Yeah, but I'm very generous. I usually throw in an extra two minutes.

Chandler:Well, there was that time in college when I thought it would be funny to put on Monica's underwear...

Chandler:But then I realized it was actually really comfortable, so I wore them for like three days straight.

Chandler:And nobody even noticed! Which, in hindsight, says a lot about my fashion choices.

Susie:Oh boy!

Ross:I'm making a special dinner for Marcel tonight. I got the finest ingredients...

Ross:Wait, Marcel hates regular food. I need to add some bugs.

Ross:Oh, well, you know, these things happen. Work comes first.

Unknown character:I'm not here.

Unknown character:I can see your reflection in the TV.

Rachel:Did you just flick me?

Monica:Yes!

Rachel:You flicked me. You actually flicked me.

Monica:You always do this!

Rachel:I do NOT always do this!

Monica:Yes you do!

Rachel:Well YOU'RE mean!

Monica:I'm not mean, YOU'RE mean!

Rachel:Nuh-uh!

Monica:Yuh-huh!

Rachel:You're a big poopyhead!

Monica:Oh real mature, Rach!

Ross:Happy thoughts!

Ross:Hey, hey, hey! Break it up! Break it up!

Monica:He's right. We should stop.

Ross:Thank you. You know, in prison, the first one to back down is the one who gets...

Rachel:Ross!

Ross:...I'm just saying, you handled that perfectly.

Chandler:Well, I'm feeling a little *uncomfortable* right now, if you know what I mean.

Chandler:But emotionally? I've never been better!

Chandler:So what kind of exciting responsibilities do you have at your new job?

Phoebe:Well, I answer phones, I file things, I make copies...

Chandler:Sounds great.

Phoebe:Yeah! Oh, and if you ever need a job, I could probably get you in there.

Chandler:Really?

Phoebe:Yeah! They're always looking for people. Although, you'd probably want to start in the mail room or something. But you know, you could work your way up!

Chandler:I don't know how I got so lucky. I mean, one minute I'm sitting there minding my own business, and the next thing I know she's all over me like white on rice.

Susie:We could do it right here, right now.

Chandler:Well, that's... that's a thought. You know what? I'm actually gonna go look at the menu. Could I interest you in some... soup?

Chandler:Look at me, I'm a woman!

Susie:You know, those really don't do much for you. You should try a push-up bra.

Chandler:Could I BE any more naked? And more importantly, could I BE any more out of the loop on what the soup of the day is?

Chandler:Could I BE any more out of shape?

Monica:You could try actually working out.

Susie:Wow, look at you! You're really built!

Chandler:Oh, well, you know... I work out.

Chandler:*awkwardly flexes and poses*

Susie:This is for the fourth grade.

The lasting impact of childhood humiliation

Chandler:Why are you still upset about fourth grade?

Susie:Because you made me cry in front of the whole class! Do you have any idea what that did to me?

Chandler:Susie, that was like, twenty years ago.

Susie:Exactly. I've had twenty years to plan my revenge. I started small — I made sure you didn't get that job at the ad agency in 1998. Then I spread rumors about your relationship. And finally, I got you to propose to the wrong woman before the right one came along.

Chandler:Wait, what?

Susie:Kidding. But I could have.

Susie:I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back!

Van Damme:So why'd you agree to go out with me?

Monica:Well, my friend Rachel said you were really good looking, and my friend Phoebe said you were really smart, and my friend Chandler said you'd be interested in a threesome.

Van Damme:I would never say that!

Monica:Yeah, well, a girl can dream.

Rachel:Monica, I'm going to borrow this sweater.

Monica:No! That's my dating outfit sweater. I have a specific system - that one's for coffee dates, the blue one is for dinner, and the red one is for when I really like them and want to seem approachable but not too eager.

Rachel:Monica, you have a system for sweaters?

Monica:Yes! And it works. Now give it back.

Monica:Oh, you want to play dirty? Fine! I've got a jar of marinara sauce with your name on it, and I'm not afraid to use it!

Rachel:You're not brave enough to do it.

Monica:Oh please, remember when you were too shy to even order coffee?

Chandler:So let me get this straight. Monica destroyed my chair, Joey broke my lamp, and Phoebe ate my sandwich. And somehow I'm the bad guy because I accidentally sat on Rachel's hat?

Monica:I'm sorry about before. I shouldn't have said those things.

Rachel:No, I'm sorry. I overreacted.

Monica:Look, about your purse... it's completely ruined. But hey, I know a guy who can dispose of it. No questions asked.

Monica:Okay, while we're clearing the air, I have to tell you something. I borrowed your sweater last week and I... I spilled coffee on it.

Monica:I was going to tell you, but then we got in that fight and I figured now was as good a time as any to just rip the band-aid off.

Chandler:I'm not naked, I'm wearing underwear.

Chandler:Well, half underwear.

Joey:Hey man, that's rough. But you know what? The timing could be worse.

Joey:Someone's flossing!

Monica:Hi!

Chandler:Can I borrow your underwear?

Joey:What? Why would you need to borrow my underwear?

Chandler:Mine are in the wash.

Joey:Dude, you do not want to borrow my underwear. I'm wearing a thong.

Chandler:Could I BE any more impatient?

Phoebe:Can I borrow a guitar string?

Chandler:Sure, I've been waiting for someone to ask me that all day.

Director:Okay Joey, let's try it again. With more emotion this time.

Joey:She's like the wind... *pauses* ...she's like the wind.

Director:No, no, no. 'She's like the BREEZE.' Try again.

Joey:She's like the... the... *struggling* ...the CHEESE?

Director:BREEZE, Joey. BREEZE.

Joey:Right, right. She's like the SNEEZE.