The One With The Bullies

Monica:I'm watching for a stock that matches my initials. M.G. — Monica Geller!

Monica:I wait hours for a random stock to appear just because it has my initials.

Rachel:Monica, you need a job.

Phoebe:My father's been sending me signs.

Chandler:Oh my God, is he okay?

Phoebe:Yeah, he's dead.

Chandler:Could he BE any deader?

Phoebe:See, the universe was sending me a sign. I saw a package of hot dogs, right? And it said 'Franks.' Frank is a man's name. So the universe was telling me I was gonna meet a man named Frank.

Phoebe:If a chicken spins around three times, it's a sign.

Chandler:A sign of what? That its Native American name is Dizzy?

Phoebe:Oh, I can't eat that. I'm a vegetarian.

Phoebe:Well, I wasn't always. When I was young, I lived on the street, and I had to eat whatever I could find. And one time I ate a pigeon.

Phoebe:And that pigeon had a broken wing, which means it couldn't fly away from cats.

Phoebe:And cats... cats remind me of my mother, because she abandoned me.

Phoebe:And abandonment... that's what my therapist says I'm afraid of.

Phoebe:And therapists... they have to go to school for a really long time.

Phoebe:And school... that's where I met this boy who wanted to be a pharmacist.

Phoebe:So no, I really can't eat that hamburger.

Phoebe:Well, if the government really wanted to control us, they'd just put a chip in our brains. But they can't do that because we'd all figure it out and then we'd all go crazy. But we're not all crazy... well, most of us aren't... which means the chip doesn't exist, which means the government doesn't exist, which means none of this is real.

Ross:Phoebe, that doesn't make any sense.

Monica:Yeah, that logic is completely circular.

Rachel:I have no idea what you just said.

Phoebe:Exactly! None of you understand it because your chips are blocking your brain waves.

Ross:But you just said the chips don't exist.

Phoebe:Exactly.

All:*collective defeated silence*

Chandler:Okay, okay, okay. So you want your seats back? Let me just say this: I'm sensing some real hostility here. And I gotta tell you, I'm not great with confrontation. In fact, the last time I was in a situation like this, I laughed so hard I threw up. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna play a little game I like to call 'Whose Seats Are These Anyway?' The seats are made up, and the ownership doesn't matter! Just kidding, they're definitely yours.

Bully:That's not funny.

Chandler:Well, I think it's funny. You probably just don't appreciate the subtle, layered humor. It's very sophisticated.

Bully:Oh, sophisticated? That's just a fancy word for 'not funny.'

Chandler:No, it's a fancy word for 'you're an idiot.'

Chandler:Hey, you guys ever notice how you're all really dumb? That's funny because it's true!

Bully:What? No it's not. If it's true, it's not funny. Funny is when you make stuff up.

Chandler:No, no, no. Humor is about pointing out the absurdities in everyday life.

Bully:Look man, I don't know what you're talking about, but if you're not making stuff up, you're not being funny. You're just being a jerk.

Chandler:Oh, that's hilarious! A hat theft! Comedy gold! You know what? You should really consider a career in stand-up. I mean, why waste your talents on just bullying when you could bore entire audiences with this material?

Ross:Look, I don't want any trouble. That's my friend's hat. When I was seven, my dog Fluffy died, and Chandler was the only one who—

Ross:—well, he didn't laugh at me, okay? And then in high school, I was bullied too, and I wore this exact style of hat to try to fit in, but it didn't work because I was too tall and gangly, and my voice was changing, and—

Ross:—the point is, hats are very meaningful to me and to Chandler, and if you could just give it back, I could tell you all about my failed relationships and my paleontology career, which might also be meaningful to you.

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Could you BE any more descriptive right now?

Chandler:We don't need a play-by-play! Just... stop talking!

Bully:Give me your wallet.

Chandler:Okay, but I have to tell you, I'm not entirely comfortable with how this is going. There's no real structure here. Who do I make the check out to?

Monica:They want me to dress up like a pilgrim and serve people these ridiculous dishes. Like 'The Mashed Potato Zone' and 'Seinfeld Steak.'

Joey:Hey, relax! You know what you need? A nice cold beer.

Monica:Joey, I don't drink beer when I'm stressed.

Joey:I know. But I do.

Monica:Oh my God, hi! How are you—

Monica:...nobody's here.

Ross:We should get your hat back.

Chandler:What are you talking about? It's just a hat.

Ross:Just a hat? Chandler, someone stole it from you!

Chandler:So what, we're gonna call the police? 'Hello officer, I'd like to report a stolen hat.' They're gonna laugh me right off the phone.

Monica:Maybe we could at least try to find out who took it.

Chandler:Why are you all treating this like it's a stolen car? It's a hat! I can get another hat!

Monica:My stock is going up!

Chandler:That's great! How much are you up?

Monica:I don't know, but the number keeps getting bigger!

Monica:I know all about the stock market. I read the financial section of the newspaper.

Chandler:Oh really? So you understand derivatives and hedging strategies?

Monica:Of course. It's when you... derive things. From stocks.

Chandler:What about bonds?

Monica:Those are like... friendship bonds, but with money.

Chandler:And where do you buy stocks?

Monica:At the stock selling store, obviously.

Rachel:Yeah, because mayo is definitely the problem with that sandwich.

Phoebe:I love all animals. Every creature deserves compassion and—

Phoebe:OH, SON OF A BITCH! GET YOUR FLEABITTEN ASS OUT OF MY FACE, YOU MANGY LITTLE BASTARD!

Joey:Come on, buddy. It's a good sandwich. Eat it.

Rachel:Joey, the dog won't eat it.

Joey:What? Why not? It's fresh!

Rachel:I don't know, but a dog that licks its own butt won't eat your food. That tells you something.

Joey:You know what? I've been thinking about getting into real estate.

Joey:Yeah, real estate agents have those awesome jackets with the little logos on them.

Rachel:Wait, what? Century 21? How does that even connect to what we were just talking about?

Joey:What? I don't know, I just really needed a new suit.

Rachel:Joey, that makes no sense!

Chandler:The couch is ours! We called it!

Bully:No, we called it first.

Chandler:Well, we called it louder.

Gunther:Hey! You leave Ross alone, or you'll answer to me!

Bully:Sorry, sorry! I didn't know he was your friend!

Ross:Yeah, that's right. And if you ever mess with me again, you're gonna get the same thing. Nobody pushes Ross Geller around!

Escalating confrontation with bullies. Bully using classic tough guy cliche

Bully:Let's take this outside!

Ross:Wait, wait. Why would we go outside? It's not like the laws of physics change out there. I mean, you're still going to be stronger than me, and I'm still going to fall down.

Ross:Could you not use such tough guy language?

Bully:Oh, I'm sorry. Is that not politically correct enough for you?

Chandler:Yeah, maybe you could use some nicer words.

Bully:Nice words? How about this - you're both very special, and I'm sure you do very special things in a very special way.

Chandler:Why did I do that?

Chandler:We need to get back in Gunther's good graces. He's like a strategic resource now.

Ross:A strategic resource? He's a person, Chandler.

Chandler:Exactly. And right now, we've depleted our supply.

Phoebe:That wasn't a dog attack. That was my father's spirit leaving his body and entering the dog to say goodbye.

Phoebe:My twin sister doesn't talk to me anymore.

Phoebe:It's like we're not even related.

Rachel:Well, there's your beast at the threshold.

Monica:I'm telling you, I'm a natural at this! Buy low, sell high!

Chandler:Oh wow, you really nailed all the clichés. You just need to loosen your tie, yell 'Sell! Sell! Sell!', and throw your phone across the room.

Monica:I made $17 today in tips!

Chandler:That's great! Let me break that down for you: $7 for coffee, $8 for a muffin, $2 for the napkin to wipe the crumbs off your face.

Monica:Well, I bought IBM because I had a crush on the guy in their commercials. I got AT&T because of the pun — it's like 'a tee' — I don't know, I thought it was clever at the time. And Microsoft because... well, Bill Gates is rich, and I figured if I owned part of his company, maybe some of that would rub off on me.

Monica:I dumped my MEG stock.

Rachel:You dumped it?

Monica:Yeah, I couldn't hold on to it any longer.

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica!

Phoebe:Oh, he'll be fine. He just needs to rest for a few days.

Phoebe:Although, he will be deaf in one ear. But you know, dogs are very adaptable.

Phoebe:Hi Dad, it's Phoebe. Yeah, I know it's been a while. Listen, I'm calling about Fluffy... No, he's okay... Well, actually, he got hit by a car.

Phoebe:No, I'm not saying I hit him with a car. I'm saying a car hit him. There's a difference.

Phoebe:Well, if you must know, I was the one driving the car.

Ross:Hi, is this Frank Jr.? Yeah, hi, it's Ross Geller. I'm calling about your dog.

Ross:We have him. If you ever want to see him again, it'll cost you.

Ross:We're gonna need treats. And a new collar. And a dog bed. A really nice one.

Monica:Why did you use that weird voice on the phone?

Ross:I don't know what you're talking about.

Ross:You have to stir it really fast! You have to get it moving before the foam sets, then you add the water at exactly the right temperature, and you have to fold in the foam, and you have to pour it in a specific way or the whole thing falls apart!

Chandler:It's instant cappuccino, Ross.

Ross:I know! It's a very finicky product.

Chandler:Instant cappuccino? That's not a cappuccino, that's a cup of lies!

Chandler:And another thing - it's spelled C-A-P-P-U-C-C-I-N-O. Not C-A-P-P-U-C-I-N-O. There are two C's!

Chandler:So have you ever been in a fight?

Ross:Well, yeah. I mean, not like a real fight, but...

Chandler:Who with?

Ross:Monica.

Ross:You know, fighting is like a rite of passage. It's something every man has to do.

Chandler:Really? Because I've managed to avoid it pretty successfully.

Ross:Well, it's the same thing with... you know, being with a woman. If you don't use it, it goes away.

Chandler:Oh, great. So now I'm worried.

Monica:I don't want to have to wear flame-retardant boobs.

Monica:I am not wearing flame-retardant boobs.

Rachel:Yeah, no, I wouldn't either.

Phoebe:Oh, he's gonna be fine. The vet said he just needs to keep the stitches in for ten days.

Woman:Ten days? But isn't that like... seventy days in dog years?

Phoebe:Well, yeah, but it's only ten days in stitches years.

Phoebe:And if it rains, the cone fills up with water, so you have to empty it like every five minutes or he'll drown.

Phoebe:Will Frank be back from the groceries soon?

Frank's Wife:Oh, he's been gone for years.

Phoebe:Years?

Frank's Wife:But I'm sure he'll be back any minute now.

Frank Jr.:My father loved stilts. He'd wear them everywhere - to the grocery store, to church, even to bed.

Frank Jr.:One time he showed up at my bedroom window on the second floor. On stilts. Just standing there, tapping on the glass.

Frank Jr.:But you know what's cool? If you had a friend named Pete, I could say: 'I know Pete. He's friends with my brother.'

Phoebe:Your dad sounds like he had quite a life.

Frank Jr.:He really did. He was always doing crazy things.

Phoebe:My dad was like that too. He had this accident on stilts once.

Frank Jr.:On stilts? That's insane!

Phoebe:I know! I have pictures if you want to see them.

Ross:Oh yeah? Well you're a... a doody head!

Chandler:Ross, that's not helping.

Ross:And you smell like... like poopy!

Chandler:Do you have a gun?

Bully:No, but I have this. (pulls out fist) And I advise you not to hit me in the face because I just got my teeth cleaned.

Chandler:So let me get this straight. You're going to fight someone, and you need to know what to bring as a weapon?

Chandler:Because I gotta tell you, I've thought about this a lot, and I think the key is something that's both intimidating AND practical.

Chandler:Like, a shoe is good because it's always with you, but a lampshade? That's just silly.

Chandler:You want something with heft. Maybe a turkey. Thanksgiving turkey has real weight to it.

Chandler:Could you maybe not hit me in the face? I have to go to work tomorrow.

Ross:Okay, no hitting in the face.

Other Bully:Fine by me.

Chandler:Oh great, so what, we just... punch each other in the stomach?

Monica:Wait, I'm ovulating right now! If any of you hit me in the stomach, you could damage my eggs!

Chandler:Why would you tell us that?!

Monica:Because I don't want to lose my eggs!

Chandler:So we're only fighting torsos?

Ross:Okay, we're doing this. We're finally going to settle this.

Chandler:I'm ready. Bring it on.

Ross:You stole my—

Chandler:I did NOT steal your—

Monica:Oh my God, what is going on?

Chandler:He thinks I took his sandwich from the fridge.

Ross:You DID take my sandwich!

Chandler:That was YESTERDAY'S sandwich!

Ross:It was for TODAY!

Joey:Hey, it happens to the best of us, man. I tripped over a kid's toy once.

Ross:Really?

Joey:Yeah, but I got right back up. You know, 'cause I'm not a little girl.

Chandler:So we're good? No hard feelings?

Bully:Yeah, we're cool man.

Chandler:Great! So... my hat?

Bully:What hat?

Customer:Wow, those are some impressive costume boobs!

Monica:These aren't a costume.

Gunther:I can vouch for that.

Monica:I have to sing and dance to Village People? In front of actual customers?

Monica:This is humiliating. I'm a chef, not a performer!