The One Where Old Yeller Dies

Phoebe:Why is everyone crying? This is so beautiful! A boy and his dog, best friends forever. It's like the perfect ending!

Monica:Phoebe, they shoot the dog at the end.

Phoebe:What? No they don't! ...Do they?

Chandler:Yeah, because the dog has rabies.

Phoebe:Oh my God! No! That's not what happened in my version!

Phoebe:My mother censored all sad endings to protect me.

Phoebe:Oh no! They shot Old Yeller because he had rabies?

Phoebe:Wait, what's rabies? Is that like... when you get really angry?

Phoebe:No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing? Stop! Don't shoot the dog! Why would you shoot the dog?!

Phoebe:This is not how the movie ends! This is not—Oh my God, he's dead. Old Yeller is dead. You killed Old Yeller!

Phoebe:That movie was so sad! They just shot that beautiful dog because he had rabies. That's like, so exploitative. They probably didn't even ask his permission or anything. And then they made money off his death by selling the movie! That dog's family never saw a dime!

Monica:I have leftovers.

Chandler:What are you wearing?

Monica:Rubber gloves and an apron.

Chandler:Just the apron?

Monica:No, the rubber gloves too!

Chandler:Wait, wait. So you're telling me that you've been running around naked so many times that nobody believes you when you actually ARE naked?

Monica:Oh no, what will I do with all my free time?

Joey:I got a leg, three breasts and a wing

Chandler:Well, that's just you on a Tuesday night!

Monica:Oh, if this is about me and Rachel, nothing happened!

Joey:Like this? *pokes repeatedly* Oh man, that IS annoying!

Richard:You know, the important thing is to choose someone who shares your values and interests. A Knicks fan could be perfect for you.

Richard:Say, you wouldn't happen to have any matches, would you?

Joey:I mean, Richard is really old—

Joey:...

Chandler:Hey, he's not old. He's just been alive for a really long time. It's like a car - he's not old, he's just got high mileage.

Chandler:A Jaguar? What kind of Jaguar?

Chandler:I mean, that's nice. I'm happy for Monica.

Joey:Oh, I'm not interested in the car at all. I mean, who cares about some stupid car?

Joey:But if I *were* interested, which I'm not, I'd want to know about the engine. Is it a V8?

Monica:Joey, you have all the subtlety of a fire truck.

Ross:He did it! He pulled himself up!

Carol:Yeah, he did that yesterday.

Ross:Oh my God, I missed Ben's first words!

Ross:And his first steps!

Ross:And now he's driving!

Ross:Next thing I know, he'll be drinking!

Ross:Wait... he's already drinking.

Carol:Ben said his first word today!

Susan:That's wonderful! What was it?

Carol:Syria.

Ross:Oh my God, oh my God! Is he looking at me? I think he's looking at me! This is it, this is the moment!

Monica:Ross, he's been looking at you for like ten minutes.

Ross:No, no, no, this is different. This is a real look. This is... Oh my God, he smiled at me!

Chandler:He does that when he has gas.

Ross:He waved! Did you see that? Ben waved at me!

Carol:Yes, Ross. Very good. You're such a big boy.

Phoebe:I'm going to watch some sad movies tonight.

Chandler:Oh, you should add 'The English Patient' to that list. And maybe get some ice cream so you can really feel the despair.

Phoebe:My grandmother used to say, you have to let the sadness out. If you don't let it out, it builds up inside of you and you become a grenade. You're a grenade, and you're gonna blow up in a Duane Reade and then you're gonna take out a lot of innocent people.

Phoebe:My mother was like that. She was a grenade. She took out a whole bunch of people.

Phoebe:But anyway, my point is, you have to let yourself feel sad.

Chandler:Oh yeah, we really gave it to him. We took his lunch money, we made him eat dirt, and we told him his music was uncool.

Chandler:Richard is cool because he's got this whole mysterious older guy thing going on. He drives a nice car, he's successful, he's sophisticated...

Joey:Yeah, and he's got Monica.

Chandler:Right, there's that. But here's the thing - whenever Richard picks up Monica, he always insists on driving. And I'm like, 'Come on, man, let her drive sometimes!'

Monica:He does not insist on driving!

Richard:Actually, I do prefer to drive.

Chandler:See? And then you two get in the car and it becomes this whole thing where you're counting up how many times each of you has driven, like it's some kind of competition.

Monica:We do not do that!

Richard:That's ridiculous.

Chandler:You're doing it right now, aren't you? You're mentally counting.

Joey:So you drove 3 blocks more than me? That means you're a better driver.

Joey:So Richard tips you just for doing normal stuff?

Chandler:Yeah, he's very generous.

Joey:Let me try that.

Chandler:What are you doing?

Joey:You just passed me the remote. Here's five bucks.

Chandler:That's not how it works!

Joey:Oh, come on. You told me Richard does it.

Chandler:Yeah, but not for everything!

Richard:Wait, so you're telling me that tipping is... expected? I thought people just did it because they felt like it.

Ross:She was a blacksmith in Colonial Williamsburg. I mean, you have to admit, historical reenactment is a little behind the times.

Monica:Joey, what are you doing out here?

Joey:I'm being discrete. I'm just gonna have a quick cigar.

Monica:Joey, you're standing in the middle of the street with a cigar in your mouth!

Joey:No I'm not, I'm hidden.

Chandler:Oh, very cool. Very intimidating. Except you're still holding a spatula.

Joey:What? It adds to the look!

Chandler:Yeah, if the look you're going for is 'short-order cook who's having a midlife crisis.'

Joey:I'm not trying to be like Richard! I just happen to like nice things, expensive things, things that take a long time to appreciate. But that doesn't mean I'm copying him!

Monica:We're not copying Richard. We just think a mustache looks distinguished.

Chandler:Oh, right. Because nothing says 'distinguished' like three people who look like dorky triplets.

Chandler:We don't look like dorks.

Monica:Oh no, of course not. You're both very cool. I'm sure you have lots of sex.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me that Richard goes out with you guys? Like, you guys are his friends?

Monica:Yes, Joey.

Joey:That means we're cool!

Monica:Joey, that mustache makes you look like my Aunt Phyllis.

Joey:Your Aunt Phyllis? Monica, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!

Ross:Come on, Ben. Say 'dada.' Say 'dada.' Dada! Da-da!

Ben:Goo goo ga ga.

Ross:Yes! Yes, that's right! 'Secondary caregiver!' Good boy!

Ross:Chandler, you can relax. You're not holding a nuclear weapon.

Chandler:I know, but he's so small and fragile and expensive.

Chandler:I can do this. How hard can it be?

Chandler:One hand here, one hand here... Wait, which end is the pointy end?

Ross:Chandler, that's the baby.

Chandler:Right, right. Okay, I've got this. I'm a football-holding machine.

Chandler:Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, come on!

Ross:I've been thinking about our future. I mean, we could have three kids - maybe two boys and a girl. We'd need a bigger apartment, obviously. I'm thinking about school districts already. And names! I really like the name Emma.

Rachel:Ross, we've been dating for six weeks.

Ross:I know, but doesn't it make sense to plan ahead?

Ross:Well, I've been thinking about the logistics of having kids. You know, with Rachel and all the planning involved. First, we need to think about where everyone's going to sit at Thanksgiving. My parents on one side, her parents on the other, making sure my dad doesn't accidentally say something offensive to her mother. Then there's the whole thing about whose apartment we're going to use for holidays, which means coordinating with Monica and Chandler's schedule, making sure we're not stepping on anyone's toes. And obviously we need to establish a strategic parent placement system to minimize awkward conversations about religion, politics, and my past relationships. It's all very complicated.

Ross:He's researched comparative tax rates and school systems

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! He's talking about the future! He's planning our whole lives!

Rachel:Wait, what's this about Scarsdale? I am NOT moving to Scarsdale!

Rachel:I need to get out of here. Where's the window? Can I fit through the window?

Chandler:So what's happening?

Phoebe:Oh, you know, I'm just thinking about all these horrible movies I've seen. Like, there's that one where the guy gets his head chopped off, and then there's the one where the girl gets stabbed in the shower, and then there's the one where—I can't even talk about it—where they put the thing in the person's chest and it bursts out. I mean, why would anyone make these movies? It's just blood and guts and people screaming. Although, I did see this one movie where a guy gets his face melted off by an angel, which was actually pretty cool.

Phoebe:So this pig is born, and then he dies. And the spider writes about it in her web.

Phoebe:Oh! A movie called 'Saving Ryan's Privates'! That sounds like such a beautiful love story!

Phoebe:Did you know that Lou Gehrig had Lou Gehrig's disease?

Rachel:I mean, of course he did. It's named after him.

Chandler:I'm bringing nerves of steel to game time.

Joey:Pick-Up Sticks? That's a kid's game.

Chandler:A kid's game? Joey, the last time we played, we had to call a structural engineer.

Richard:When you get to be my age, you spend half your time at dinner parties listening to people talk about their colonoscopies and their hip replacements. With younger people, at least the conversation is about something other than their medical history.

Monica:Okay, I'm really into sports now. Go... sports!

Monica:Wait, which one's the basketball again?

Monica:You know what? I give up.

Rachel:Phoebe, I need your advice. Do you think Ross and I should get back together?

Phoebe:Oh honey, I just watched a movie marathon and realized nothing matters. We're all just floating through space on a rock. So like, get back together, don't get back together, it's all the same in the end.

Monica:Oh, I'm going to read Cosmo for relationship advice.

Monica:Although, I could also just use the holiday supplies in my bathroom to do my own beauty treatments.

Monica:You know, like a cranberry face mask, or a candy cane exfoliant...

Ross:By the year 2015, I'll have completed my paleontology research, published three major papers, and secured a tenured position at a top university.

Rachel:That's... that's great, Ross. When are you planning to get married?

Ross:Oh, well, I figure around 2020, maybe 2021.

Rachel:And how long will we have been dating by then?

Ross:Three weeks.

Ross:I just read about the name Emily somewhere.

Chandler:Where?

Ross:In a book.

Chandler:What kind of book?

Ross:A baby naming book.

Rachel:I don't want you to decide everything!

Ross:Fine! You decide then.

Rachel:No, I want us to decide together.

Ross:Okay, okay. We'll decide together. But I'm telling you right now, we're getting the apartment with the better light. That's final.

Phoebe:I love It's a Wonderful Life. It really shows how one person can make a difference.

Monica:Right? It's so uplifting.

Phoebe:Yeah, like how George almost killed himself. And his brother died. And he went insane and yelled at his wife and kids.

Phoebe:It's a Terrible Life and You're All Gonna Die Alone.

Chandler:Could that shot BE any more perfect? I mean, seriously, could it? Because if it could, I'm not sure how we'd measure it. That's just... that's a really good shot. Could it have been better? Sure. Could it have been worse? Absolutely. But could it be exactly where it is right now? Yes. Yes it could.

Joey:A foosball table? In college? Dude, you're so old, when you went to college, the Dead Sea was still alive!

Richard:You know, Joey, that mustache makes you look very distinguished.

Joey:Really? Thanks!

Richard:Yes, it's quite impressive for a twelve-year-old.

Joey:Yeah, well, we don't really let Monica play anymore.

Chandler:He's sophisticated, he's successful, he's got a great apartment...

Monica:He's basically everything my dad is.

Chandler:Yeah, and your dad is great!

Chandler:Your dad is nothing like my dad.

Joey:Yeah, Richard's way cooler than our fathers.

Ross:He's like the father we all wish we had.

Richard:Wait... you guys see me as a father figure?

Chandler:Well, yeah.

Richard:Not as... a peer?

Chandler:I meant... 'dad' is like, you know, a cool thing to call someone. It's slang! Yeah, 'dad' is all the rage with the kids these days.

Chandler:No, no, Richard, 'dad' means 'friend.' It's like, 'Hey dad, what's up?'

Richard:That's not what dad means.

Chandler:Yes it does! Monica, dad!

Monica:What?

Chandler:See? She knows what I'm talking about.

Chandler:No, 'dad' means friend. Like, 'Hey dad, what's up?'

Richard:Oh, well then, thanks for being such a good dad to me... See you around, dad.

Monica:You're not old! I mean, you're older, but you're not old old. Like, my dad is old. You're just... seasoned.

Richard:Seasoned?

Monica:Yeah, like a fine wine. Or a nice piece of furniture that's been around for a while but still works great!

Ross:I can't do this. I can't change a diaper.

Rachel:Oh, he said hi! He said hi to his Uncle Frank.

Ross:Uncle Frank?

Rachel:Yeah, you know, the one that lives in the big yellow house?

Rachel:Oh my God, I can speak baby! Ben said his first word to me!

Ross:What? No he didn't.

Rachel:Yes he did! He said 'goo goo.' I'm like, totally fluent.

Ben:Bye!

Ross:Okay, well, I guess this is it. Next thing I know, you'll be asking me for the car keys, then you'll be leaving for college, then you'll be getting married, and I'll be walking you down the aisle...

Ross:And then you'll have kids of your own, and you'll be too busy for your old man.

Phoebe:Okay, Ben, before we watch Sesame Street, I need to warn you about something. Ernie and Bert? They're roommates, they take baths together, and they share a bed. I'm not saying anything, but... you know?