The One Where Ross Finds Out

Rachel:Am I really that repellent? I mean, is there something wrong with me? Do I look like insect repellent?

Unknown male character:I was so ignored at that party, I became literally invisible. People were walking right through me. I had to check if I still had a reflection in the mirror.

Rachel:I gained weight? When did this happen?

Rachel:Oh my God, I didn't even know!

Chandler:I didn't mean... what I meant was... you're like a house.

Monica:A house?

Chandler:Yeah, a really nice house. With excellent insulation. So the heat doesn't escape.

Monica:Come on, I'll help you work out.

Chandler:I can't, I have a very strict schedule. Tuesdays and Thursdays I watch TV, Wednesdays I go to the gym... to watch TV.

Chandler:Okay, but I'm warning you, I'm not gonna look good in workout clothes. I mean, I don't look good in regular clothes, but workout clothes are like a public service announcement for my body.

Rachel:It's okay, it's okay... *tries to hug Chandler but can't get her arms around him*

Chandler:What? What is it?

Rachel:*gives up* ...Yeah, okay, we need to talk about the cheesecake.

Monica:Oh my God, Chandler, are those... little stretchy pants?

Chandler:They're called spandex.

Monica:Well, whatever they are, they're not working.

Monica:Those pants are stretchy.

Chandler:I need to change out of these pants.

Monica:Chandler, you need to start exercising more. Come on, I'll make it worth your while.

Chandler:Really? What kind of incentive are we talking about here?

Monica:Well, if you work out five days a week for a month, I'll... I'll do your laundry for free.

Chandler:That's it? Monica, I need more motivation than that.

Monica:Okay, fine. If you do it, I'll... I'll walk around the apartment in my underwear.

Rachel:Whoa, what?

Ross:Yeah, okay, that's... that's weird.

Phoebe:I'm confused and aroused.

Joey:Monica, maybe we need to talk about appropriate motivational tactics.

Chandler:Monica's having a flash sale? On what, her personality?

Monica:Very funny. It's on furniture. Everything must go!

Chandler:Everything must go? Finally, something I can get behind.

Monica:You're actually interested in furniture?

Chandler:No, but the going part really speaks to me.

Chandler:Okay, okay, wait. What if I just show you a little bit? Like, what if I flash you... my shoulder?

Joey:Your shoulder?

Chandler:Yeah, just my shoulder. That's still a partial flash, right?

Chandler:Could I BE any more out of shape?

Chandler:I can't... breathe... Why did I think I could do this?

Monica:Come on, Chandler, just a little bit more!

Chandler:A little bit more? I can't feel my legs!

Chandler:Is it normal for your vision to go black at the edges?

Chandler:Monica has me doing these butt exercises at work. Do you know what that's like? I can't sit down without people thinking I'm flirting with them.

Joey · Phoebe:The guy still won't put out? Nope. Zilch. Nothing. Uh-uh.

Joey:You know, he seems like a really nice guy. Maybe he's just... more comfortable with certain types of people?

Phoebe:Oh! You mean tall people? Because yeah, he did seem really into that tall guy at the coffee shop.

Phoebe:I could tell he was gay just by looking at him.

Monica:How could you possibly tell that?

Phoebe:I have a sixth sense about these things.

Chandler:Well, you were wrong. He's not gay.

Phoebe:I'm not talking about emotional connection. I felt his physical arousal.

Chandler:Joey, could you hit Monica for me? I'm too weak to move.

Joey:What? Why would I hit Monica?

Chandler:Because I can't. Just use your own hand.

Rachel:I'm completely over Ross. I mean, good for him, you know? I'm happy for him.

Rachel:It's not like I care that he's with someone else. Why would I care? I don't care.

Rachel:So he's happy, that's... that's great. Really great.

Rachel:I hope they have a wonderful time together. A really wonderful time.

Rachel:Maybe they could go skydiving. Without a parachute.

Rachel:I'm fine! Why does everyone keep asking if I'm fine? I'm fine!

Rachel:I'm so fine I could punch a wall right now.

Monica:Just say the cat's full name.

Ross:His name is Fluffy Meowington.

Rachel:Oh, a cat! Really? That's... that's great.

Rachel:Really. So you're really getting a cat. Really.

Rachel:That's really something. Really.

Rachel:Okay, well, this has been... really great. I should probably get going.

Rachel:You know what? Your cat is going to live a long, healthy, sexually fulfilled life.

Rachel:Bye!

Rachel:I can't believe I'm doing this.

Chandler:Rach, you're taking the sugar packets?

Rachel:I'm upset, okay? I upset-steal!

Rachel:How long do cats live?

Michael:Usually about 15 years, unless you throw them off a bridge.

Rachel:Oh my God!

Michael:Monica told you I was cuter than this, didn't she?

Rachel:An old boyfriend? No, he's just someone who wanted to be a lot more.

Rachel:So anyway, enough about that. Let's talk about something else.

Rachel:Like, did you see what he was wearing?

Joey:When I first met you, I thought you were the coolest person I'd ever seen.

Phoebe:Really?

Joey:Yeah, I mean, you were so weird and original.

Phoebe:Wait, weird? That's not a compliment, Joey.

Joey:No, it was! In a good way. You didn't care what anyone thought.

Phoebe:Okay, so... thank you? But also, how dare you?

Phoebe:Thanks, you're a lifesaver... you're like a big, beautiful baked potato.

Rachel:We could feed him insects! Fruit flies live like two weeks, right? So if we feed him fruit flies, he'll live longer because he's eating something that has a shorter lifespan than him, so by comparison, he'll seem immortal!

Rachel:But only because I've been playing the movie Diner in my head

Rachel:Closure? Oh my God, closure! That's what I need! Finally, someone gets it! I've been saying this the whole time - I just need closure! This changes everything!

Rachel:I'm sorry, I just really need to use your phone. It's an emergency.

Random phone user:Um, I don't even know you.

Rachel:I know, I know, but my phone died and I need to call someone right now. Please, please, please!

Random phone user:Look, I'm sure you can find a pay phone or—

Rachel:No! No pay phones work anymore! You have to have a card or coins and I don't have either. You seem like a really nice person. I can tell. Just let me make one call. One call!

Random phone user:*sighs heavily* Fine. FINE. Just... make your call.

Rachel:Hey, it's me. I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm over you. And I'm fine. Really, I'm completely fine. Look, I even have suggestions for baby names.

Rachel:If it's a girl, how about Stuffy? Or Giddy? Or Snotty?

Rachel:See? I'm over you.

Monica:Come on, you can work out on Sunday!

Chandler:No, I don't think so.

Monica:Oh, come on! I'll work out with you!

Chandler:Really?

Monica:No! What was I thinking?

Monica:Okay, people, listen up! You are all trains on the tracks of life, and right now, you're stuck in the station. But I'm here to tell you that the conductor is pulling out, and you need to get on board!

Monica:Your goals are the destination, your willpower is the coal in the engine, and your excuses? Those are just tumbleweeds blowing across the tracks that you need to power right through!

Monica:So are you ready to choo-choo-choose success?

Monica:So how was your date?

Rachel:Oh, it was great! He was really sweet and funny.

Monica:That's wonderful! Where did he take you?

Rachel:Um... a restaurant? I think it was Italian. Or maybe Chinese. There was definitely food.

Monica:Rachel...

Rachel:What? I was just really distracted the whole time!

Rachel:There's something about you... something I can't quite remember...

Ross:Really? Nothing at all?

Rachel:No, it's right there, but it's like my brain won't let me think about it.

Ross:Rachel, I got your message. You called me at like 2 in the morning—

Rachel:No! No, no, no, no, no!

Rachel:You know what? I was drunk. Completely drunk. I don't even remember calling you.

Ross:You don't? Because you were very specific about—

Rachel:Whatever I said, I didn't mean it! I was joking! I was doing a bit!

Rachel:You can't listen to drunk messages. They don't count. It's a rule!

Rachel:I'm over you, Ross.

Ross:What? You're... over me? Like, on top of me?

Rachel:No! I mean I've moved on.

Ross:Oh. Well, I mean, if you ever want to be over me again, I'm... I'm available.

Ross:I know you have feelings for me.

Rachel:I... what? No, I don't... how did you... that's not... I mean...

Rachel:I'm... I'm sitting down now. My legs are moving. I'm bending at the knees. Now I'm in the chair. The chair is supporting my body weight.

Ross:I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm totally fine with this. We're just... we're just two friends hanging out. Normal. Completely normal. Cat!

Joey:Hey, he's a rabbi with an electric guitar. What's not to watch?

Phoebe:He said that for him, sex and love are too intertwined. He can't just have casual sex because he gets emotionally attached.

Monica:That's actually very mature of him.

Phoebe:I know! I said, 'Scott, that's so sweet, but you know what? That's not how I work. I can have sex with anyone.'

Chandler:We know.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So let me get this straight. This guy Scott, he tells you he's dying, gets you to fall in love with him, and then he just leaves? That's genius!

Monica:Well, that's okay. I'm sure you'll find something else to do.

Ross:No, no, no. You don't understand. It's not interesting. A cat is not interesting.

Ross:I mean, why would I want a cat? It's boring. Completely boring.

Ross:There's nothing interesting about a cat! Nothing! It's the least interesting thing in the world!

Ross:You could have a cat, or you could have... nothing. And nothing would be MORE interesting!

Rachel:We hung out every night for a year.

Ross:That's not... we didn't hang out. We just happened to be in the same place at the same time multiple times.

Rachel:Why do you keep bringing up the Italian guys? What does that have to do with anything?

Ross:This ship has sailed.

Rachel:Don't use ship metaphors with me! I got closure from our fight, okay? I'm fine!

Monica:So what are you going to do about it, fat boy?

Chandler:Well, I could lose weight, or I could just compliment you until you feel so good about yourself that you don't need to put me down anymore.

Monica:That actually might work.

Chandler:I know. That's why it's so dangerous.

Chandler:You know, Monica, I've been thinking about what you said, and you're right. You're not obsessive about cleaning. I mean, sure, you reorganize the spice rack by alphabetical order and then by frequency of use, but that's just... efficient. And your apartment? Immaculate. Which is great because it really hides how neurotic you are about it.

Chandler:And your cooking! Look, I know you're sensitive about how people react to your food, but honestly, the fact that you keep trying even though everyone secretly dreads dinner parties at your place shows real courage. Or delusion. One of those.

Chandler:But the real thing I admire? How you've never been married. I mean, you're what, almost forty? And you're still holding out for this perfect guy who'll want to marry a controlling, obsessive, slightly bitter woman who peaked in her thirties. It's sweet that you still believe in fairy tales.

Chandler:Could you BE any more committed to this running thing?

Monica:I have to run, Chandler. I promised myself.

Chandler:You know what? You're right. You should definitely go. I mean, it's not like you have a history of breaking promises to yourself or anything.

Monica:Fine. I'm not going running.