The One With The List

Monica:Okay, I'm closing the blinds, I'm unplugging the phone, and I'm getting some wine. This is going to take a while.

Monica:Is this story going to have a happy ending or a sad ending?

Monica:I need to know if I should be getting ready to celebrate or getting ready to cry.

Ross:Well, actually, the kiss was quite remarkable. The way her lips—

Joey:Cool.

Chandler:Look at this computer! Dual processors, 512 MB of RAM, top-of-the-line graphics card. This baby cost me two grand!

Monica:Wow, that's incredible! What are you going to use it for?

Chandler:Games and stuff.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, there is. It's a guy, he cooks naked.

Monica:Why would someone cook naked?

Joey:I don't know, Monica. Why would someone dance naked? It's the same thing!

Ross:Well, I fell down the stairs and broke my arm in three places.

Ross:Wait, no — I mean, I made out terribly. Very badly. I was in considerable pain.

Chandler:So let me get this straight. You're in love with Rachel, you're in love with Julie, and all of this started because you saw contact lens solution?

Ross:I mean, Julie is great, she's smart, she's beautiful, and she really cares about me. But Rachel... I don't know, there's just something about...

Rachel:Ross?

Ross:Ra-Ra-Rachel! Hi! I was just... thinking about... dinosaurs.

Ross:So... how about those Knicks?

Phoebe:Oh, this is a song about Ross and Rachel and Emily!

Chandler:It's Julie.

Phoebe:Oh, okay. Ross and Rachel and Julie. Oh, this is a song about Ross and Rachel and Julie. She's his girlfriend, but he's in love with Rachel. And it's all very complicated and it's very, very sad. And even though I made up the names and characters, you still care about them very much.

Phoebe:The song title is 'Ross and Rachel's Kiss'

Phoebe:Oh, oh! I got it! 'Loolie!' My love is truly, for Loolie!'

Monica:So what are the job requirements?

Mr. Rastatter:Well, we're looking for someone to help us market our new product.

Monica:What product?

Mr. Rastatter:Mockolate. It's a chocolate substitute.

Monica:Mockolate?

Mr. Rastatter:Yes. M-O-C-K-O-L-A-T-E. It's not real chocolate, it's fake chocolate. But it tastes just as good!

Monica:You want me to help sell fake chocolate?

Mr. Rastatter:We prefer to call it a chocolate alternative.

Monica:Well, it's... it's got a nice... crumbly texture.

Mr. Rastatter:Crumbly?

Monica:Yeah, you know, it just... it falls apart in your mouth.

Mr. Rastatter:We want to compete with chocolate on major holidays.

Mr. Rastatter:Our goal is to make Thanksgiving about fake chocolate.

Boss:Will you swallow the Mockolate?

Monica:Mmm, it's still bubbling in my mouth.

Monica:And the aftertaste! It just keeps going and going. I found myself thinking about it for months afterwards.

Mr. Rastatter:How is Pilgrim Mockolate mousse Thanksgiving-themed?

Monica:Well, I added buckles to it.

Rachel:Oh, Julie! Hi! How was your weekend with Ross? Oh, that's great! You went to a movie? Oh, how wonderful! And then you went out to dinner? Oh, you're so lucky! You know what, Julie? Why don't you just marry him? Oh, you will? Oh, congratulations!

Monica:Well, I mean, she's not NOT like that.

Chandler:Oh, I know. Poor Ross. He has to choose between two women. What a terrible problem to have. I mean, next thing you know, he'll complain that his apartment is too big, or that his coffee is too hot, or that he has to decide between the red Ferrari and the blue Ferrari.

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! If this is about my new computer, the answer is no. I just got it, and I'm not letting anyone touch it. Last time someone touched my stuff, it took me three weeks to find my things again.

Joey:Okay, so you got two women, right? Here's what you do: you date them both.

Ross:What? No, I can't do that!

Joey:Why not? You're a guy. We're built for this. It's like having two remotes - one for the TV, one for the stereo.

Ross:That's... that's not the same thing at all.

Joey:Sure it is. And hey, if one of them finds out about the other, you just tell her you were 'on a break.'

Ross:Why do you need all these fancy programs? Just use a simple spreadsheet.

Chandler:Oh sure, and next you'll want me to churn my own butter, Amish boy.

Ross:Julie's a paleontologist. Rachel's a... what does Rachel do again? Oh right, she works at a coffee shop.

Chandler:You know what? I'm just gonna go play some Grand Theft Auto. At least when someone yells at me in that game, I can run them over with a car.

Ross:Okay, I've been thinking about this... you always—and I mean always—you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the bottom.

Rachel:That's your flaw with me? The toothpaste?

Ross:It's a significant character issue!

Ross:She's not you.

Monica:So I made these Mockolate dishes for Thanksgiving. You know, because nothing says 'authentic colonial cuisine' like fake chocolate.

Monica:Oh my God!

Monica:Oh my God!

Monica:This is evil. This is pure evil.

Chandler:Hi, yes, my printer isn't working. Can you help me?

Tech Support:Sure, have you tried turning it off and on again?

Chandler:Yes, I've tried that like five times already.

Tech Support:Okay, hold on a second... Oh man, did you see that?

Chandler:See what?

Tech Support:Sorry, the game is on. The ref just made the worst call. Can you believe that?

Chandler:So... my printer?

Tech Support:Right, right. Let me just... hold on, TOUCHDOWN! Yes! Sorry about that. Um, what were we talking about?

Ross:She just... she didn't understand me. I tried to explain my feelings, but she just walked away.

Ross:So I followed her. Then I grabbed her arm. Then I shook her. Then I threw a chair at her.

Ross:And then I set the apartment on fire.

Ross:We're not together anymore.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So in the new Star Trek movie, do they explain why Spock's hair is different?

Ross:It's not what you think, Rachel. I was just helping Julie with... another thing.

Rachel:What other thing?

Ross:Just... you know, a thing.

Chandler:What thing?

Ross:A personal thing.

Monica:Ross, what are you talking about?

Ross:Look, it's complicated, okay? It's not important.

Monica:Oh my God! Just hug her already!

Ross:I'll get your coat.

Rachel:You'll get my coat? You'll get my coat!

Chandler:Finally! It's working! Oh no... oh no no no...

Chandler:It's a... it's a screenplay! Yeah, we're working on a screenplay.

Ross:Right! It's very experimental. Post-modern.

Chandler:Completely fictional. These women don't exist.

Ross:We made them up. All of them.

Chandler:I don't even know a Monica.

Ross:That's my sister's name, so...

Chandler:See? Coincidence. It's pure satire of the female form.

Ross:Yeah, very critical commentary on society.

Chandler:We were gonna submit it to the New Yorker.

Chandler:Okay, so... there was this guy, right? And he had a... a penguin. But not a real penguin, a toy penguin. And he loved this penguin more than life itself. So one day he decided to teach it to drive. A car. The penguin was doing great until... until he hit a mailbox. And that mailbox? It was his mother. So he just... gave up. The end.

Rachel:Chandler, that was the worst thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Chandler:Really? Because I was going for 'charming and witty.'

Rachel:Well, you missed.

Chandler:You spelled 'a little spoiled' as just 'spoiled'? That's not better, that's worse! You basically called her a spoiled brat!

Ross:It was a typo!

Chandler:A typo? Ross, you're an idiot.

Rachel:My ankles are NOT stubby! They're delicate and feminine!

Rachel:I've had compliments on my ankles!

Rachel:Wait, who's Sheznrachel?

Ross:No, no, it's supposed to say 'She's not Rachel.' The printer cut it off.

Rachel:Oh my God, you were writing about me?

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. I just realized something.

Chandler:I could've just said my pants were in the dryer!

Chandler:It would've been brilliant!

Monica:Yeah, your timing's always been terrible.

Phoebe:I can't believe Ross made a list. That's so mean! Although, I once made a list of people I wanted to hurt, but I got distracted and never finished it.

Chandler:Fine! Yes, it was my idea. I wrote the list. 'Pros and cons.' I'm an idiot. I'm a bad person. I'm going to go live in a cave.

Chandler:Do you believe in karma?

Phoebe:Oh, absolutely. I do.

Chandler:Why?

Phoebe:Well, because everything that you do comes back to you. Oh, oh, like, you'll get beaten up.

Rachel:Ross, when a girl doesn't buzz you in, that's a sign she doesn't want to see you.

Ross:I know that.

Rachel:Do you? Because you're standing on my fire escape in the rain.

Ross:Well, I'm not leaving until we talk about this.

Rachel:That's not romantic, Ross. That's restraining order behavior.

Monica:Oh my God, you're freezing! Come inside, I'll make you some hot chocolate.

Monica:Actually, never mind, I only have that horrible instant stuff with the little marshmallows that taste like styrofoam.

Rachel:You know what the worst part is? It's not that you made a list. It's not even the list itself. It's that you had to make a list to choose between us. That we were so close that you couldn't just... know.

Rachel:I don't make lists.

Joey:How long do you think we should wait before we talk about this?

Monica:I think we need more time to process this. It's a really heavy moment.

Chandler:The FDA didn't approve Mockolate for human consumption.

Joey:Why not?

Chandler:The casual dismissal of what were probably serious health concerns with lab rats.

Mr. Rastatter:Monica, did you eat some of the Mockolate while you were cooking?

Monica:Um, yeah, just a little bit to make sure it was okay.

Mr. Rastatter:Well, how do you feel? Any nausea? Dizziness? Tingling in the extremities?

Monica:No, I feel fine.

Mr. Rastatter:Oh good. Because the last batch we made caused three people to lose the feeling in their faces.

Rachel:Hi Ross, how are your chubby ankles doing?

Radio DJ:We have Ross on the line. Ross, you wanted to make a special request?

Ross:Yeah, I wanted to dedicate this song to Rachel Green. Rachel, I love you. Will you marry me?

Rachel:No.

Radio DJ:Well, that's... that's rough, buddy.

Monica:So Mr. Rastatter, about that raise you promised...

Mr. Rastatter:Monica, you know I can't afford that. Business is bad.

Monica:Bad? Last week you told me to tell people the food was fresh when it wasn't.

Mr. Rastatter:Well, yes, but that's just business.

Monica:That's not business, that's lying. And I did it anyway because I needed the job.

Mr. Rastatter:Exactly. We're both terrible people.

Monica:Yeah, we really are.

Mr. Rastatter:We're introducing a new product line: fake nuts made from fish parts.

Monica:Fish parts? How is that even a nut?

Mr. Rastatter:Well, it's not. That's why we call them fake nuts.