The One With All The Jealousy

Character:Does everyone hate my shoes?

Friend:No, no, no. The dress, however...

The implication that they'll resume being mean after the first day

Ross:Botanists are so geeky.

Monica:Ross, you have a poster of a dinosaur skeleton in your apartment.

Ross:That's different! Dinosaurs are cool!

Phoebe:I mean, how do you even decide which purse to use? That's like, so many decisions before you even leave the house. I'd just carry my money in my shoe.

Phoebe:You should really get this turtle purse. Turtles are very spiritual animals.

Rachel:Phoebe, I'm terrified of turtles. I don't need that kind of stress in my life.

Unknown:What is that?

Rachel:It's a designer handbag! It's a very expensive, very chic designer handbag. It just happens to have a little compartment for sandwiches.

Chandler:A stripper? That's so cliché. Why don't we get a magician instead?

Joey:A magician? Come on, man, that's even worse!

Chandler:No, no, no. Think about it. A magician can make things disappear. Like your money!

Chandler:Make it disappear.

Reference to the song title as advice

Joey:So what do you think? Am I a good actor?

Chandler:Well, that was subtle.

Joey:So I think I'm gonna sing 'New York, New York' and 'I Left My Heart in San Francisco.'

Chandler:No, no, Joey. Dickens chose them. Charles Dickens wrote 'A Tale of Two Cities.'

Joey:Oh! So he just... picked them?

Chandler:Joey, Charles Dickens? The writer?

Joey:Oh yeah, yeah, I know who he is.

Chandler:You do?

Joey:No. No, I don't.

Chandler:Okay. He wrote A Christmas Carol?

Joey:I don't know what that is.

Chandler:It's a book. A very famous book. About Christmas.

Joey:Oh! A Christmas book!

Chandler:Yes.

Joey:Is it the one where Santa gives out toys?

Chandler:No, no. There's ghosts. There's the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

Joey:Ghosts? That sounds scary.

Chandler:It is! It's supposed to be!

Joey:I don't like scary things.

Mark:Rachel Green's phone.

Ross:Hi, is Rachel there?

Mark:May I ask who's calling?

Ross:It's Ross. Ross Geller. Her boyfriend.

Mark:I'm sorry, I don't have a 'Ross' in my directory.

Rachel:Oh no, I just sent that email to the wrong client!

Rachel:MARK!

Monica:What? I'm helping! You need a date, I'm getting you a date. Now try this on.

Chandler:Monica, I can't go out like this, I look ridiculous.

Monica:You look great! Next!

Chandler:We've only been doing this for five minutes.

Monica:Exactly! We're running out of time. The night isn't getting any younger!

Monica:Roses are red, violets are blue...

Julio:Actually, I'm a poet.

Monica:Well, that explains the beret.

Julio:Your lip is like a rose, a beautiful rose that blooms in the spring, and when I see it, I think of all the beauty in the world, and I want to write poems about it, and I do write poems about it, many poems, because your lip is so beautiful and so perfect and so wonderful...

Monica:Okay, can you just read the poem?

Monica:That was... really something. I mean, the way you used 'lips' and 'drips'... wow. Just... wow.

Chandler:Joey, what is this? 'Studied under the great Russian ballet master Petrov'?

Joey:Yeah, he was amazing.

Chandler:Joey, Petrov died in 1952.

Joey:Yeah, well, I studied under him before that.

Chandler:And it says here you were a backup dancer for Janet Jackson?

Joey:Uh huh. That Rhythm Nation tour was something else.

Chandler:Joey, that was in 1989.

Joey:I was young and flexible.

Joey:I was a Zoom kid! I did Zoom!

Chandler:Joey, Zoom didn't exist when you were a kid.

Joey:Well, I was ahead of my time!

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! I'm not a bad dancer, okay? I'm just... I'm doing a new style. It's called 'interpretive confusion.'

Chandler:Hi, yes, I'd like to book a... a lady for the evening. And I have a very specific request. Do you provide grapes?

Monica:It's like a meteor just hit my body and killed all the dinosaurs.

Chandler:Crystal Chandelier? That's not a stripper name, that's a cry for help. It's like her parents said, 'You know what would be a great idea? Let's name her after a stripper pole and see what happens.'

Phoebe:Oh my God, the vase is empty! It's a metaphor for Monica!

Joey:I think the poem is about a guy who's really into his girlfriend, you know? And he's like, 'I would do anything for you,' and she's like, 'Prove it,' and then he does all these crazy things.

Chandler:Joey, that's actually... that's not bad.

Joey:See? I'm not just a pretty face.

Chandler:No, you're also a walking contradiction to everything I thought I knew about you.

Mark:You know what this is? This is a territorial display. He's marking you as his property.

Rachel:They're just flowers, Mark.

Mark:That's what he wants you to think.

Barbershop Quartet Member 1:She's got a boyfriend!

Barbershop Quartet Member 2:A boyfriend!

Barbershop Quartet Member 3:A boyfriend!

Barbershop Quartet Member 4:A boyfrieeeeend!

Rachel:What is wrong with you? You're acting like some kind of animal marking his territory. Oh wait, that's exactly what you're doing!

Ross:I have never peed around your desk. I pee in the bathroom like a normal person.

Joey:Yeah, so I went to this dance class, right? And the instructor, she takes one look at me and goes, 'You're gonna have to stand in the back.' I'm like, okay, fine. Then halfway through, she stops the whole class and says, 'Everyone, watch what NOT to do.' And she points at me.

Joey:You should tell him to back off.

Chandler:Joey, he already told him to back off. Then he told him to get out. Then he told him to get out of the building.

Chandler:I'm picturing a scenario where Ross runs into Rachel and Mark at the coffee shop in like five years. They're married, they have two kids, and Ross is just standing there trying to make small talk.

Chandler:And Mark's like, 'So Ross, what are you up to these days?' And Ross is like, 'Oh, you know, just... living. Breathing. The usual.'

Chandler:Meanwhile Rachel's looking at her shoes and the kids are asking why Mommy's old friend is sweating so much.

Rachel:So Mark, I've been meaning to talk to you about the quarterly reports.

Mark:Of course, Rachel. My office or yours?

Rachel:Well, actually I was thinking we could work through them over dinner tonight.

Mark:Dinner? That sounds more like a date than a work meeting.

Rachel:Does it have to be one or the other?

Mark:So... would you like to get some coffee sometime?

Rachel:Oh, um... that's really sweet, but I don't think so.

Mark:Oh come on, just coffee. What's the worst that could happen?

Rachel:I just... I have a boyfriend.

Mark:Yeah, but he doesn't have to know about it.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on here?

Rachel:Ross, what are you talking about?

Ross:I saw you two together and I thought—

Monica:Thought what? We're just looking at paint samples!

Ross:Oh. Oh no. I've made a terrible mistake.

Ross:I need a tie. Now. This is an emergency.

Dance Captain:Okay, now let's work on your pirouettes, your grand jetés, your fouettés...

Dance Captain:And to finish it all off, we're going to do... jazz hands.

Joey:Okay, okay, I got this. It's not that complicated. You just go... boom, boom, step. Boom, boom, step.

Joey:Then you spin around and... shake your butt. And that's dancing!

Monica · Julio:So I'm just an empty vase? - What? - So, I don't read as many important books as you do. And I don't write trick poems that aren't actually what they seem.

Monica:I am not just some housewife! I have interests, I have passions, I have a life outside of this apartment!

Monica:And if people can't accept that, then that's their problem, not mine.

Julio:It's not about Monica specifically. It's about all American women.

Monica:Oh, well that's better.

Joey:Hey, we all did our best out there.

Joey:I mean, yeah, it was a disaster, but we gave it a shot.

Ross:Okay, so you click it here, and then it writes in blue. But if you click it again, it switches to red. And then if you click it a third time, it goes back to blue. It's a two-color pen!

Ross:It's a naked pen! See, no case, no cap, just a pure writing instrument.

Chandler:Could that pen BE any more naked?

Chandler:Could we maybe upgrade to magazines?

Chandler:You know what? I've been thinking about having kids.

Chandler:So I can finally have an excuse to go to Chuck E. Cheese's.

Rachel:A play-date? With who?

Ross:Ben's friend's mom. Her name is Julie.

Rachel:Oh. Julie. And what does Julie do?

Ross:She's a dancer.

Rachel:A dancer. Mmm-hmm. What kind of dancer?

Ross:I don't know, modern dance, I think.

Rachel:Right. And I'm sure she has a very close relationship with Ben. I mean, I bet all the stripper-moms know each other. They probably have their own playgroup.

Chandler:I'm guessing the play-date's cancelled?

Chandler:I'm jealous of—

Rachel:Oh my God, is that a new shirt? That color is amazing on you!

Chandler:Thanks, but I was trying to—

Rachel:No, seriously, turn around. The back is even better. Did you get it at that place in SoHo?

Chandler:Rachel, I really need to tell you guys that I'm—

Rachel:Wait, wait, wait. You know what? I'm suddenly starving. Who wants to go to that Thai place? My treat! Chandler, your favorite Pad See Ew, remember?

Chandler:But I'm jealous of—

Rachel:You know what, forget Thai. Let's go skydiving! I've always wanted to try skydiving! Doesn't that sound fun, everyone? Chandler, you'd be great at skydiving!

Barbershop Quartet:Your hair is thinning and your shoes are worn, you're a disappointment to your mother since the day you were born!

Barbershop Quartet:Your apartment smells like old salami and broken dreams!

Barbershop Quartet:Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, you'll die alone with seventeen cats!