The One with All the Jealousy

Does everybody hate these shoes? - Yeah. But don't worry. Nobody's gonna focus on that if you wear that towel-dress.

It's her first day at this new job. You're not supposed to start with her.

Botanists are such geeks. Is that a dinosaur tie?

It must take you forever to find your keys.

Please want the one with the turtles. - No, turtles scare me. I don't need that today.

Is this a lunch box? - No, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it.

A stripper at a bachelor party. That is so cliché. Why don't you guys get a magician?

Well, if a magician can open my beer with his butt cheeks, then all right.

Don't cry out loud.

Guess who has an audition for a Broadway musical? - I wanna say you, but it seems like such an easy answer.

So I think I'm gonna sing 'New York, New York' and 'I Left My Heart in San Francisco.'

Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities. - What? - Mr. Dickens gets to pick them.

Who? - I'll get you the Cliff Notes. - The what? - The abridgment. - The what?

Rachel Greene's line. How may I help you? - Hi, is Rachel there? - And who may I say is calling? - This is Ross. - Ross of...?

Oh, my God! What did I just do? I think I just shipped 3000 bras to Personnel! - Honey, I gotta go! Mark, I need you!

All right, I just got changed in 30 seconds so you could be alone with him. You better go for it.

You're a poet, and you don't know it. - Actually, I am a poet. - So you do know it.

I could write an epic poem about this lip. - How would that go?

Well, it didn't rhyme... but I liked it.

'Three years of modern dance with Twyla Tharp'? 'Five years with the American Ballet Theatre'?

Hey, everybody lies on their résumé, okay? I wasn't one of the Zoom kids either.

Oh, no, no, no, no. - What is that? - Sure, it looks stupid now. There's no music playing.

Let me ask you this. What do you do for the extra hundred? - So would I have to provide the grapes?

Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.

Sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?

My vessel so lovely, with nothing inside? Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still? He thinks Monica's empty. She's the empty vase!

Monica's the vase, right? - You are such a mystery to me.

It's a Love Bug. - Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.

Congratulations on your first week At your brand-new job It won't be long Before you're the boss And you know who will be there To support you Your one and only boyfriend It's nice to have a boyfriend! Your loyal, loving boyfriend, Ross!

You might as well have just come in and peed all around my desk!

I would never do that.

How'd it go? - Knocked over a girl.

Why don't you send her a musical bug? - No, you already did that.

And pretty soon you'll be like: 'Hi.' And, 'Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man, get over it! It's been four years!'

Wait, I've got something for you. - Mark. - It's okay. Rachel knows. - Yeah, but even so.

I can't help it. I'm just crazy about you. Come on, no one's around. Just kiss me.

All right, that's it! Get off of her! - What is going on? - What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on!

What do I have to do to get some service?

It's hand, hand... head, head... up, pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, big turn here, rond de jambe. Slide, step, step... and jazz hands!

It's steppity-step and jazz hands.

So I'm just an empty vase? - What? - So, I don't read as many important books as you do. And I don't write trick poems that aren't actually what they seem.

You have no right to make that kind of judgment! You don't even know me!

The poem is not about you. - What? - 'The Empty Vase' is not about you. It's about all women. Well, all American women.

What was that? - I know. It's the best I could get out of them.

Yeah, look what I got! See, she's fully dressed, right? And then you click it, and she's naked! She's a business woman, walking down the street. She's window shopping, and she's naked!

You know what? I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.

Okay, Ross, this pen's getting kind of boring. Can you pick me up some porn?

You have a play-date with a stripper? - Man, I gotta get a kid!

I mean, doesn't she, you know, have any other stripper-mom friends of her own?

Either that or you just turned him on and sent him to a stripper.

Oh, no. Chandler, please don't. No, I beg of you to not...

Mr. Pretentious, You think there's no one finer, Your poems are unpublished, And you work in a diner, You're no God's gift to women, That's all in your head, You are just a butt-munch, No one likes a butt-munch! And you're also bad in bed