The One With The Morning After

Ross:Rachel, we need to talk. I've been thinking about us, and I really think we should—

Rachel:Ross, I appreciate that, but—

Mark:Hey Rachel! Sorry I'm early, I was just in the neighborhood.

Ross:Mark. Of course. Mark is here.

Rachel:Oh! Um, Mark, hi. This is... this is actually not a great time.

Mark:Oh, I can come back later if you guys are—

Ross:No, no, stay. Why not? Everyone else does.

Unknown party guest:Hey, you wanna dance?

Woman:I'm married.

Unknown party guest:That's okay, we're just dancing.

Monica:Wait, so you never got to dinner?

Rachel:No, we broke up.

Monica:Oh.

Rachel:Monica, there's fruit on your ceiling.

Monica:I know.

Rachel:How did fruit get on your ceiling?

Monica:I don't want to talk about it.

Rachel:But—

Monica:Rachel, I'm going through something right now. The fruit on my ceiling is the least of my problems.

Ross:You have to go. Rachel's going to be here any minute.

Chloe:But I can't find my shoes.

Ross:I don't care! Just go! Go barefoot!

Chloe:Oh my god, Ross! I heard you got back together with your girlfriend! That's so great!

Ross:Yeah... great.

Phoebe:Oh, that's nothing. I once had a whole fruit salad appear on my ceiling. It was a sign from my past lives telling me I needed more potassium.

Phoebe:There's a spirit in my ceiling.

Monica:Well, that explains the noises. Have you tried asking it to leave?

Monica:Oh my God, a painless wax? That's impossible!

Chandler:It says right here it's clinically proven.

Monica:Clinically proven? Well, that changes everything! I'm ordering ten!

Ross:What's the more important question?

Chandler:How did you get so stupid?

Joey:Hey, maybe we should wait until she's dying to tell her. You know, like on her deathbed.

Chandler:That's your answer to everything, isn't it?

Joey:What? It works in the movies!

Chandler:If you tell a secret to one person, they tell two people, and those two people tell four people, and so on and so on. Before you know it, the whole world knows. It's exponential. It's like a virus. And there's no stopping it once it's out there. The trail is unstoppable.

Chandler:I did it!

Rachel:Okay, these are supposed to be pain-free wax strips. Let me just... oh my God! OW! OW! OW!

Rachel:You know what? I'm going to rename these. From now on, they're called 'Liar Strips.'

Rachel:Well, that's because they're not very bright.

Rachel:Well, the alternative would be much worse.

Ross:Chloe, have you seen my watch? I left it right here.

Chloe:Oh, that. Yeah, I took it.

Ross:You took it? Why would you just take my watch?

Chloe:I'm a kleptomaniac. I take things. It's kind of my thing.

Ross:Isaac, I need to talk to you about something important. It's about discretion. What happens between me and Rachel needs to stay private.

Isaac:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ross, I don't need to hear about your conquests, man. That's between you and her.

Ross:No, no, you don't understand. I'm asking you NOT to tell anyone.

Isaac:Oh sure, sure. Your secret's safe with me, buddy. You dog!

Isaac:He delivers pseudo-philosophical justification for cheating

Ross:I'm nothing like Isaac Newton.

Isaac:Oh yeah? Well I invented calculus.

Ross:I have a PhD in paleontology.

Isaac:I have a PhD in everything.

Ross:Well, I'm taller than you.

Isaac:I'm deader than you.

Ross:Oh yeah? Well... you smell.

Isaac:Your mom smells.

Ross:Please don't tell Monica about this.

Isaac:Oh, I already told her.

Jasmine · Ross:You did a bad thing! Yes, I did. Very bad! Very bad. Very, very bad! I'm agreeing with you.

Ross:You didn't tell Rachel, did you?

Gunther:Oh, was I not supposed to tell her?

Monica:Aahhhhh!

Rachel:Oh God!

Ross:What happened? What happened?

Monica:We're waxing our legs!

Ross:You're waxing your legs off?!

Ross:How bad can waxing be? I mean, it's just removing hair.

Rachel:Oh, you want to try it?

Ross:Yeah, sure. How painful could it be?

Esthetician:Okay, let's do your chest.

Ross:Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! NO! NO! STOP! STOP!

Rachel:Not so bad, huh?

Monica:Tin Man!

Monica:Oh, I see. So you were just confused about which woman you were sleeping with?

Monica:Has anyone seen my purse?

Phoebe:Oh, I thought you said your *nurse*. I was gonna say, 'No, but I know a great acupuncturist.'

Phoebe:Oh my God, Ross! How could you?!

Phoebe:You know, this explains so much. My fingernails have been growing really fast lately, and I read that means someone close to you is being unfaithful. I thought it was Monica!

Monica:This is so unfair! Ross does something stupid and WE all suffer the consequences. Where's his karma? Why do we get punished for his mistakes?

Rachel:I want to talk about the affair.

Rachel:Did you... no, don't tell me.

Rachel:So who is she?

Ross:Well, she's... she's smart, and she's funny, and she's...

Rachel:Oh my God.

Ross:No, no, no, I'm just saying she has qualities that are—

Rachel:Qualities? Ross, those are the same things you said about me!

Ross:No, I mean... she's different qualities. Different smart. Different funny.

Rachel:Oh, so I'm not smart anymore?

Monica:Should we do something?

Chandler:Yeah, let's break it up. I'll take the tall one.

Rachel:Well, maybe if you spent less time with the corpse and more time with me, it wouldn't be dead!

Rachel:Oh wow, you ran around trying to keep a secret? That's so romantic. I'm swooning.

Monica:We should just keep them in the wax museum. Problem solved.

Monica:We're trapped in here. We're going to starve.

Phoebe:Well, we could always eat the wax.

Monica:Phoebe, that's disgusting.

Phoebe:What? It's organic. Plus, it's already been used.

Monica:I meant unused wax.

Phoebe:Oh! Well, where do you draw the line?

Rachel:No anchovies.

Monica:I'm going to have them mix the anchovies into the sauce.

Rachel:You can have the last piece of pizza.

Ross:Rachel, we need to talk about what happened with the copy girl.

Rachel:Oh, so one piece of pizza makes it okay that you slept with someone else?

Chandler:I don't know, man. Do you think Ross and Rachel are actually going to make it work this time?

Joey:Yeah, I think they've got a real shot. I mean, they've been through so much together.

Chandler:That's true. Maybe this time will be different.

Joey:Hey, do you notice something different about the way I've been walking lately?

Joey:I want to have a walk that's like, you know, really impressive. Like when I walk into a room, people go 'Whoa!'

Chandler:Joey, no one's going 'Whoa' when you walk into a room.

Joey:Well, maybe not yet. But I'm working on it.

Chandler:Could you BE any more delusional?

Ross:I would never cheat. That's not who I am.

Joey:What about me?

Ross:You? You cheat on people all the time!

Joey:Hey!

Joey:They don't care about me! They're not worried about me at all!

Chandler:You're right, they don't.

Joey:I mean, what if something happened to me? Would they even notice?

Chandler:Probably not for a while.

Joey:This is serious! I could disappear and nobody would care!

Chandler:Well, I'd care.

Joey:Really?

Chandler:No, not really.

Chandler:Why are you walking like that?

Joey:What? This is my cool walk.

Chandler:That's not a cool walk, that's a cry for help.