The One Where No Ones Ready

Joey:Mmm, this is good! Is this cider?

Chandler:No, that's the fat that we skimmed off the top of the gravy.

Joey:Oh my God!

Ross:We have to leave in five minutes!

Joey:Relax, we've got plenty of time.

Chandler:Yeah, what's the rush?

Ross:What's the rush?! The rush is we're supposed to be there in twenty minutes!

Joey:So we leave in twenty minutes.

Ross:No! We leave in five minutes, which means we have to leave in five minutes!

Chandler:I'm confused.

Ross:Of course you're confused, we've been standing here arguing about this for fifteen minutes!

Monica:Why did you wait so long to tell her how you feel?

Ross:I don't know, Monica. I'm an idiot. A complete and total idiot. I had the perfect opportunity and I just... I froze. I'm pathetic.

Ross:How long does it take you to get dressed?

Rachel:Five minutes.

Ross:Five minutes? That's great!

Rachel:Well, five minutes to get dressed. The other two hours is deciding what to wear.

Joey:Hey, you want some?

Ross:I could read you my vows if you want.

Joey:Have you mentioned me?

Ross:Oh, I could start with 'Joey Tribbiani, the man, the myth, the legend. When I think of love, I think of Joey. When I think of commitment and faithfulness, I think of Joey.'

Phoebe:Oh, I know.

Monica:Okay, I just took this quiz online and it says I'm a control freak.

Monica:I retook it three times because I didn't like my score.

Chandler:What? I'm supposed to just sit here and hold my seat like I'm guarding the nuclear football? It's a bathroom break, not a hostage situation!

Chandler:By the time I get back, you'll have probably sold my seat to the highest bidder or traded it to someone going to Europe. 'Yeah, you can have this spot, but I get your frequent flyer miles.'

Joey:Dude, you were sitting on the toilet!

Chandler:That's not the chair we're talking about.

Joey:Well, technically you were sitting.

Joey:Whoa, Pheebs! What's with the outfit? You doing a magic show or something?

Phoebe:No, I have a job interview.

Joey:Oh. Well, you're gonna kill it. You look like a magician.

Joey:I'm telling you, I've been practicing magic tricks.

Ross:That's not going to happen.

Joey:I do not like it here or there, I do not like it anywhere! I do not like this time of day, I wish that it would go away!

Rachel:Do I look like the kind of girl a paleontologist would date?

Chandler:Well, there's no precedent for that.

Ross:Oh, I know! How about 'The Chair'? Oh wait, that's taken. Okay, how about 'Ode to a Chair'? No, no, no. I got it: 'Silence.'

Chandler:Hi, it's Chandler. I'm not home right now, but your call is very important to me. So I'm gonna have a friend of mine answer the phone. Me. From the future.

Ross:Look, I know what you're going through. When Rachel left me, I thought my world was ending.

Monica:That's sweet, but this is different.

Ross:No, no, I get it. But here's what I learned: you just have to get up, dust yourself off, and move on.

Monica:That's it? That's your advice?

Ross:Oh, and eat ice cream. A lot of it. Like, don't even use a bowl.

Chandler:Joey, you know the rules. If you're not sitting in it, it's fair game.

Joey:What are you talking about? I'm sitting in it right now.

Chandler:Yeah, well, you weren't five minutes ago when you went to get a sandwich.

Joey:That doesn't matter. I called it. You can't just take someone's chair.

Chandler:Oh, so now we have rules about calling things? What is this, kindergarten?

Joey:Yes! Yes, it is! And the rule is: dibs!

Phoebe:You two should be ashamed of yourselves! Fighting like a couple of ruffians! Have you no decency? No respect for other people's belongings?

Chandler:Monica, he left you a message. You don't need to analyze it like the Zapruder film.

Chandler:Could we BE any closer?

Chandler:I'm gonna go change my clothes.

Monica:Okay.

Chandler:And when I come back down, that chair better be gone, or so help me God, I will... I will kick you out of this apartment!

Monica:You should take that dress off.

Phoebe:I can't! What if someone sees me naked?

Monica:Phoebe, we're all women here.

Phoebe:I know, but what if one of you tells a guy?

Rachel:Monica, you're not casual. You're never casual. That's like me being thin.

Answering Machine:You have four new messages.

Joey:Wow, four messages! I'm so popular!

Joey:That answering machine has a nice voice.

Rachel:You just said you were going to stop calling him, that you were moving on, that you were breezy. You can't say you're breezy and then not be breezy!

Monica:Oh, so that's what breeziness sounds like.

Chandler:A.A. Milne once said, 'Get out of my face, you stupid jerk.'

Chandler:I'm not removing the cushions as punishment. I'm revealing the chair's true nature. It was always a bench. I was just being nice.

Ross:I'm going as a World War I soldier.

Chandler:Where's your gas mask?

Ross:I couldn't find one.

Chandler:Well, that's not very historically accurate.

Joey:Hey, at least he's not going as the Statue of Liberty without the torch again.

Ross:Yeah, I bought an inflatable sheep.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross! Why would you—

Ross:It's not what you think! It's for, uh, practical purposes.

Rachel:Right. Well, I'm gonna need that back.

Chandler:We used sheep as pillows.

Ross:You slept with sheep?

Chandler:Why do you need underwear for a tuxedo?

Joey:Because I'm not wearing any right now.

Joey:I'm not going commando in a rental tux! That's like... that's like going into battle without any ammunition!

Chandler:Okay, if you hide my clothes, I'll do the opposite. I'll hide YOUR clothes!

Joey:That's... that's the same thing.

Chandler:No it's not!

Joey:Yes it is!

Chandler:No, because then you won't know where your clothes are!

Joey:Okay, that's exactly what I said.

Phoebe:I'm wearing this ribbon as a political statement.

Monica:Phoebe, what political statement? It's just a ribbon.

Phoebe:Exactly. I'm supporting every cause. That way I'm never wrong.

Monica:That's not how ribbons work.

Phoebe:Well, I'm also supporting Christmas. Everyone loves Christmas. You can't lose with Christmas.

Ross:My watch stopped! My watch stopped! My watch stopped!

Chandler:Ross, your watch didn't stop. You did.

Ross:What? No! Look at it!

Monica:He's right, it's been saying 3:47 for like an hour.

Ross:That's impossible! I wound it this morning!

Joey:Maybe it's trying to tell you something, man.

Rachel:Like what?

Joey:I don't know, that it's 3:47?

Rachel:Maybe I should wear pants more often.

Ross:Oh sure, why stop there? Next you'll want to vote and have your own credit card.

Chandler:You know what I just realized? If Bugs Bunny can survive being hit by a anvil, why can't I survive this conversation?

Monica:Michelle is such a sweet girl. She's always so kind and considerate.

Monica:But honestly? She's a nightmare. I can't stand her.

Phoebe:I can't go to the event.

Ross:Why not?

Phoebe:I'm washing my hair.

Phoebe:I'm not going because I'm not going. It's like, I could go, but then I would be going, and I'm not.

Phoebe:I'm just, I don't know, not in a very museum benefit-y kind of mood.

Chandler:Could I BE any more turned on right now?

Joey:Could I BE wearing any more of Chandler's clothes?

Joey:Could I BE wearing any more clothes?

Chandler:Well, you could always try jumping jacks.

Ross:What can I do to show that I want you here?

Rachel:You could drink that thing from the opening.

Ross:Okay, okay. It's just a little fat. It's not gonna kill me. It's actually very nutritious. Fat is an essential nutrient. Your body needs it. I mean, look at me - I'm healthy, right? I eat fat all the time. Sure, it's usually spread out over the course of a day, but how bad can it be to just... concentrate it? It's like a vitamin. A delicious, jiggly, congealed vitamin.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! We should do this every week!

Monica:Hey, it's me. I'm sorry I've been acting so crazy lately. I just want you to know it's not your fault. It's just... I'm going through something right now. My hormones are all over the place, and I've been really emotional. I got my period yesterday, and I'm probably going to get it again in about three weeks, so just be prepared for that.

Rachel:I'm ready to go.

Joey:Yeah, me too.

Rachel:I've never been in love before either.

Ross:All right, that's it. Give me your underwear.