The One With The Jam

Monica:Joey, what were you thinking? You can't just jump on the bed like that!

Joey:I was just having fun!

Monica:You're a grown man, Joey. Act like it.

Joey:But it's so bouncy!

Monica:I'm making jam! I'm starting at 4 AM tomorrow!

Chandler:4 AM? Monica, that's insane.

Monica:No it's not! That's the perfect time to make jam! I've already labeled all the jars, organized them by fruit type, and color-coded my utensils!

Rachel:Okay, Monica, have you slept at all?

Monica:Sleep? Who needs sleep when there's jam to be made?!

Monica:I got some great fruit at the docks today.

Chandler:The docks? What docks? New York has docks?

Joey:Okay, so I was gonna tell her that I'm a neurologist.

Chandler:A neurologist?

Joey:Yeah, I even memorized some stuff about the brain.

Chandler:Joey, she's standing right there. You're an actor.

Joey:Thank you, Chandler! Way to help!

Joey:I was doing this dangerous stunt, right? And I got hit by a bus, fell down a manhole, got attacked by a swarm of bees, and then a construction crane dropped a steel beam on me.

Chandler:And yet somehow you're here. What are the odds?

Joey:Hey, where's the jam?

Chandler:Oh, I can't. I'm a parent now.

Monica:Okay, I have a plan. I'm going to get over Chandler by throwing myself into my work, spending time with my friends, and maybe taking up a new hobby.

Phoebe:That's great, but what if you run into him?

Monica:I won't. I'm going to avoid the coffee shop, the grocery store, and anywhere he might be.

Joey:So basically, you're not leaving your apartment?

Monica:If that's what it takes.

Ross:Monica, that's not healthy.

Monica:You know what? You're right. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to see him and I'm not going to care.

Chandler:Hey Monica.

Monica:Oh my God! I have to go!

Monica:Be careful, that jam is really hot!

Joey:How hot could it be?

Joey:Ow! Ow! Ow! Monica, why didn't you warn me?!

Joey:I got burned by jam... I got burned by jam.

Joey:You know what? I'm keeping it. Finders keepers.

Malcolm:Please, you have to help me! I'm begging you!

Phoebe:I'm not your twin. That's my sister Ursula.

Malcolm:I'm such a dingus.

Phoebe:No, you're not a dingus. Dinguses are cute little animals.

Phoebe:Oh, I had a guidance counselor once. He told me that if I was ever feeling lost, I should just follow my heart.

Phoebe:So I did. Ended up in a Duane Reade in New Jersey with no shoes and $40 in my pocket.

Phoebe:Best advice I ever got!

Phoebe:So... the witch was real, but also not real? And the cat was a person? Or was the person a cat?

Phoebe:Anyway, I think what we learned is that witches are bad, but also cats are good, but also trust nobody.

Phoebe:Oh, you don't have to sneak around. You can just walk normally.

Monica:You should ask her out! She's perfect for you.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I would, but I'm gonna be really busy at work... doing... work things.

Monica:Do I look fat?

Chandler:No.

Monica:Be honest.

Chandler:Okay, no.

Chandler:I'm not fat!

Monica:No one said you were fat.

Chandler:Well, you were thinking it.

Ross:We were not thinking that.

Chandler:Yes, you were. I saw it in your eyes. You all think I'm a cow.

Phoebe:A cow? Chandler, no one thinks you're a cow.

Chandler:Then why did Joey moo at me yesterday?

Chandler:I'm not great at the advice thing. I mean, look at my relationships.

Monica:That's true.

Chandler:Hey!

Unknown · Unknown:'Does size matter?' / And it works both ways.

Ross:So I can either take the 6 AM flight and be there by noon, or I can take the 2 PM flight and arrive at 4.

Chandler:Well, that's easy. Take the 2 PM flight. You get to sleep in.

Ross:Yeah, but then I miss the morning meeting.

Chandler:So? Skip it.

Ross:I can't skip it! It's with the Dean!

Chandler:Oh. Well then take the 6 AM flight.

Ross:But I'll be exhausted!

Chandler:Ross, you're going to be exhausted either way. The only difference is whether you're exhausted and on time, or exhausted and fired.

Ross:It's actually secret option number three. You meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.

Chandler:I need your help. Monica says I'm not affectionate enough.

Ross:Well, I can't help you there. I'm too cuddly. Women are always complaining that I cuddle too much.

Chandler:That's not helping.

Chandler:You said you were cuddly!

Ross:I know what I said.

Chandler:So you lied to me?

Ross:I may have exaggerated.

Ross:Ok, ok, ok. So if she's on *this* side, and I'm on *that* side... we could just... scoot. Like this.

Rachel:Ross, that's not going to work.

Ross:No, no, no, it will! See, if you just put your head right... there. And I'll just... adjust my arm...

Rachel:This is ridiculous.

Ross:It's not ridiculous! It's a system. The key is the pillow angle and minimal upper body contact until we achieve optimal positioning.

Ross:It's not complicated. You hug them, and then you sort of roll them into bed.

Monica:That's the 'hug and roll'?

Ross:Yeah, it's very efficient.

Chandler:Could you not do that on my pillow?

Monica:Do you remember that weird snack Mom used to make? She'd spread jam on a spoon and give it to us as a treat?

Ross:Monica, that wasn't a snack. That was just... a spoon with jam on it.

Monica:It was a movie snack! She said it was fancy!

Chandler:Your mother invented the world's saddest dessert.

Monica:You guys are the best. I love you so much. You're so perfectly organized on my shelf. Your labels are so straight. I've never seen jam look so good.

Phoebe:I'm not crazy! I'm just aware that when people talk, little particles come out of their mouth. So I'm not gonna stand this close to someone and let them spit all over me.

Phoebe:He couldn't approach directly because of the restraining order.

Phoebe:He's not a bad person, Monica. He's just going through a difficult time.

Monica:Phoebe, he stole your identity and maxed out your credit cards.

Joey:I didn't stalk Ursula!

Chandler:Yeah, and it's not raining, it's just the sky crying.

Chandler:Would you rather give up sex or jam?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why can't I have both?

Monica:I'm giving up the jam business.

Joey:What? Why?

Monica:It's just not working out.

Joey:So what are you going to do now?

Monica:I'm going to have babies.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you're gonna have a baby? How does that work with the jam?

Monica:What? There's no jam involved, Joey.

Joey:No, no, I'm just saying—you said you were gonna make a baby, like you make jam. So do you need like, a baby jar? And do you sterilize it first?

Phoebe:Oh, I have to tell you something. I'm not actually a single mother by choice. My dad left when I was very young.

Monica:Oh Phoebe, I didn't know that.

Phoebe:Yeah, he just... he just disappeared. One day he was there, and the next day... he was gone. I didn't see him again until I was a teenager.

Phoebe:So when I decided to have a baby on my own, I was like, 'At least my kid will know where I am.'

Monica:We're going to use a donor.

Chandler:A donor? Monica, I thought we were going to do this together.

Monica:We are, but we need a donor for the sperm.

Chandler:Oh. Well, that's less romantic than the dock fruit shopping.

Chandler:I need more bed space. Maybe I should get a bigger bed. Or a smaller penguin. Wait, why would I have a penguin? I don't even like penguins. Do I like penguins? I think I'm overthinking this.

Chandler:Okay, I'm gonna do the hug and roll.

Chandler:One... two... three!

Chandler:My arm! My arm is stuck!

Chandler:Okay, I've got it. I'm gonna use a magic trick to get my arm out.

Joey:A magic trick?

Chandler:Yes! I'll distract everyone with some misdirection, and then—

Monica:Chandler, that's not going to work.

Chandler:Why not? David Copperfield makes things disappear all the time!

Ross:Yeah, but your arm is already disappeared—it's stuck in the chair!

Malcolm:Here's my binoculars. / These are my night-vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park.

Malcolm:And these are 'Madlibs'. They're just for fun.

Malcolm:'I met Phoebe today.' 'She was really nice to me even though I'm such a loser.' 'And when I was walking home, I thought about her a lot.' 'It was weird, but kind of cool.'

Phoebe:Oh my God, you're so romantic. How did you come up with that line?

Malcolm:Honestly? I read it in a book called 'How to Manipulate Women.'

Phoebe:Wait, before we kiss, there's something you should know about me.

Phoebe:Sometimes I eat mustard straight from the jar.

Monica:He's smart, he's successful, he's good-looking...

Unknown:Sounds like you're describing Geena Davis.

Monica:What? No, he's nothing like Geena Davis!

Unknown:Well, he's tall, he's athletic, he's talented...

Monica:Okay, okay, I get it!

Ross:Monica, if you don't stop, I'm going to tell Mom!

Monica:Oh no, not Mom! I'm so scared!

Ross:I'm serious!

Monica:What are you going to do, call her? We're adults, Ross.

Ross:Well, actually, if you look at the geological records, the formation of—

Monica:Oh my God, Ross, you're still talking?

Monica:Oh my God, this is perfect! He's tall, dark, and handsome. He loves sports, traveling, and Italian food.

Joey:That's amazing! That sounds like an incredible guy. I would totally want to—

Joey:Wait. That's me. That's my profile.

Joey:Yeah, so I went to the sperm bank today.

Ross:Wait, you're donating?

Joey:Yeah, I figured, why not make some easy money?

Ross:That's... Joey. Anyway, nice sweater.

Joey:Thanks! I bought it with the money from—

Ross:Oh my God, no you didn't.

Joey:No, no! I wore it TO the donation. They said dress nice.

Joey:They're gonna want mine. I mean, look at me.

Chandler:Yeah, they're gonna want the guy who can't remember if he's been to a coffee shop before.

Phoebe:I really trust Malcolm.

Monica:Phoebe, he wears night-vision goggles.

Phoebe:I think Malcolm really likes me. He keeps showing up at my apartment and leaving notes on my door.

Monica:Phoebe, wake up and smell the coffee.

Phoebe:What coffee? There's no coffee.

Monica:It's a figure of speech. It means open your eyes to what's really happening.

Phoebe:Oh! Well, I got a restraining order, so I guess I'm smelling the coffee now.

Janice:So there I was, and he does this thing where he hugs me and then rolls me off the bed.

Joey:The hug and roll?

Janice:Yeah, and I ended up on the floor!

Janice:Oh. My. God.

Janice:You've been using the hug and roll?!

Janice:That is so典型 of you!

Malcolm:Phoebe? What are you doing here?

Phoebe:Oh, what a coincidence! I have a twin sister, and she loves this coffee shop too. We just keep running into each other here.

Malcolm:Is this a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?

Phoebe:It's like a nicotine patch. You're trying to quit, but you're still getting a little hit.

Malcolm:So what do I do?

Phoebe:Well, you gotta ween yourself off. Start with just driving by her apartment once a week instead of every day.

Joey:There's a difference between a bank and a blood bank, Monica. One of them you can actually make withdrawals from.

Ross:So Monica's ideal man is named Hoyt?

Monica:Well, I mean, if that's his name, then yes.

Ross:And then there's that tacky pool sign I gave you as a housewarming gift.

Monica:Ross, I love that sign!

Ross:I know you do. That's what worries me.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. An astronaut? That's incredible! I mean, that guy's been to space!

Chandler:Yeah, well, good for him. But let's be honest—how hard can it be? You just sit there and push buttons.

Joey:Chandler, he's been to SPACE.

Chandler:And I've been to Pottery Barn. We all go places.

Joey:So I went to the sperm bank today to make a donation.

Joey:The guy tells me, 'Sorry, we're not accepting any new donors right now.'

Joey:I said, 'What? Why not? I'm a healthy guy!'

Joey:He goes, 'We have plenty of inventory. In fact, we're trying to give some away.'

Joey:Okay, okay, I got it. What if I do personal meetings with the buyers? You know, show them what they're getting. I'll wear my best clothes, maybe do a little charm offensive.

Chandler:Joey, that's not how sperm donation works.

Joey:Why not? I sell myself all the time! I'm a very marketable guy.

Monica:Joey, they don't want to meet you. They want your... contribution. That's it.

Joey:Well, maybe that's the problem! Maybe they need to know who they're dealing with. Joey Tribbiani isn't just a name, it's a brand!

Joey:Dude, you got something right there.

Chandler:What? Where?

Joey:Right there on your face.

Chandler:I don't feel anything.

Joey:No, here, let me get it.

Chandler:Ow! What was that?

Joey:A eyelash. You're welcome.

Ross:Can I talk to you for a second? In private?

Chandler:Sure.

Ross:I think I'm in love with Rachel.

Chandler:Oh! Oh! This is brand new information!

Ross:No one knows.

Chandler:Hey, I won't tell a soul. Oh wait, oh no, I just remembered. I have to tell someone. A woman! Women are like that, you know? We can't keep secrets. None of us can. Oh my God.