The One with the Jam

Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed!

Hey, look at me! I'm making jam! I've been at it since 4 a.m.

Down at the docks. You know, you can get it wholesale. / I didn't know there were docks.

You tell the doctor you did it jumping on your bed? / No. I had a whole story worked out, but then... Chandler sold me out.

I didn't think the doctor would buy that it 'fell out of the socket'.

Jam? I love jam! How come we never have jam at our place? / Because the kids need new shoes.

I'm sick of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan. A plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam!

Joey, don't! It's way too hot!

This'll just be my batch.

One more chance, Ursula. Please. / This is awkward. Yeah, because you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters.

I am such a dingus! / Oh, you're not a dingus.

Once, in junior high school, I thought I was a witch. And a guidance counselor told me something that might help you. He said, 'Okay, you're not a witch. You're just an average student.' / See what I'm saying? / Not really.

Well, get over it.

You don't have to walk behind me anymore.

It's an empty apartment. We're all alone in an empty apartment. / I have to be at work in 10 minutes. / All right. It's not like I'm employee of the year or anything.

Do I look fat? / No. / I accept that.

When Janice asked me and I said no, she thought I was calling her a cow.

You looked at her? / You never look. You just answer. It's like a reflex. 'Do I look fat?' 'No.' 'Is she prettier than I am?' 'No.'

'Does size matter?' / And it works both ways.

Janice is coming back from a trip. She gives you two options. Option one: She'll take a cab home from the airport. Option two: You can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do? / Easy. Baggage claim. / Wrong! Now you're single.

It's actually secret option number three. You meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.

Sorry, honey. We can't help you there, because we're cuddly sleepers.

I thought you were 'cuddly sleepers'. / No, not cuddly. Not me. Just her. I'm like you. I need the room.

Now, you wait for her to drift off... and then you hug her... and roll her over to her side of the bed. And then you... roll away.

Hug for her. Roll for you.

The old 'hug and roll'. One question. You're pretending the pillow's a girl, right?

Remember when you were a kid, your mom would send you to the movies... with a jar of jam and a little spoon?

You're so pretty.

First, I'm not crazy. And second, say it, don't spray it.

Because of the restraining order.

Oh, my God! You've got a crush on your sister's stalker.

I didn't stalk her. / I asked for the news, not the weather.

Joe, I got to ask. The girl from the xerox place, buck naked... or a big tub of jam? / Put your hands together.

No more jam? What happened to your jam plan? / I figured out I'd need to charge $17 a jar just to break even. So I've got a new plan now. Babies.

Well, you'll need much bigger jars.

Aren't you forgetting something? What is that guy's name? Dad!

I don't need an actual man. Just a few of his best swimmers. / Down to the docks again?

Look at all the room on her side! A giant penguin could fit over there. That'd be weird, though.

Hug and roll time. I'm hugging. I'm hugging. You're rolling, and... Yes! Freedom! Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm.

Time for the old tablecloth trick. One fluid motion. Quick like a cat. And one, two... three!

Here's my binoculars. / These are my night-vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park.

And these are 'Madlibs'. They're just for fun.

'I met Phoebe today.' 'She was really nice to me even though I'm such a loser.' 'And when I was walking home, I thought about her a lot.' 'It was weird, but kind of cool.'

So what were you thinking? / I was thinking what it'd be like to kiss you. / Really? / No. That's just something I said now so that maybe I could kiss you.

No, it's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.

He describes himself as a male Gina Davis. / You mean there's more than one of us?

You can't do this, Mon. If you do this, I'll... / You'll what? / I'll tell Mom.

It may not be ideal, but... / Oh, it's not... / Lips moving. Still talking.

Oh, my God! Under personal comments: 'New York Knicks rule.' / Yeah, the Knicks rule! / Joey, this is you!

You went to a sperm bank? / Right after I did that sex study at NYU. Remember that sweater I gave you? / That's how you bought it? / No. That's what I was wearing when I donated.

I'm surprised there's any of my boys left.

You're taking the word of a guy who has night-vision goggles?

Wake up and smell the restraining order.

Crazy Chandler spun me... off the bed. / Wow! Spinning! Sounds like fun. / I wish. He was just trying Ross' 'hug and roll' thing.

Oh... my... God!

Well, what do you know? There goes my identical twin sister! Just walking along, looking like me.

Is this a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?

Stalk me for a while, huh? I'll be like an Ursula patch.

Sperm or regular?

I always pictured you with a tall, smart, blond guy with a name like... Hoyt. / It's a name. Yeah.

You have a sign that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet. Don't pee in our pool.' / We don't have that sign. / You do! It was a gift from me.

Wow! This guy's an astronaut? / That would have been cool... for a day.

I called the sperm bank. They haven't sold a single unit of Tribbiani. Nobody wants my product.

Maybe if they met me in person.

You got a thing on your... Get it? Yeah.

Chan, can I talk to you for a second? / Just one additional relationship thought. Something you're probably aware of. Women talk.