The One with the Race Car Bed

RACHEL: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint, I can pretend he's Alan Alda.

MONICA: Oh, good. Another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?

CHANDLER: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible... that would be the best.

GUNTHER: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.

[JOEY HUMMING IN HEAD] PHOEBE: Who's singing?

Hey, when you guys were kids and you played Happy Days... who were you? I was always Richie. - I was always Joanie.

Question: Was, uh, 'Egg the Gellers' the war cry of your neighborhood?

Ew, ew! It's the Mattress King. Don't look. Change the channel.

Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed... I'm going to slash... my prices!

I'm going medieval on prices. What a wank.

I know. At 499 for a pillow-top queen, who cares about the divorce? Those babies will sell themselves.

And I'm appalled for you, by the way.

Oh, shoot. Tomorrow's not good. I'm supposed to, um, fall off the Empire State Building... and land on a bicycle with no seat, so...

Please. He refers to me as 'Wet-Head.'

All right. Well, not exactly like I do. But if you do come to dinner... I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.

See, that's why I can never be an actor. Because I can't say 'gig.' Yeah, I can't say 'croissant.' Oh, my God.

You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students. I know.

Not at these prices.

You know, in England this car would be on the other side of the store.

Oh, my God. Oh. All right, take this bed. You can make other friends.

This does not mean acting again. It means you don't have a line, but someone else just did.

By the way, before I forget. To work in soap operas... some of you are gonna have to become much more attractive.

Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you. I dismiss you.

This boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, you know? He's just like me... except that he's a boxer... and has an evil twin.

All right. Monica Felula... Geller.

I had to learn. I was staying at the Y... and some of the young men weren't acting Christian enough.

And I'm a vegetarian.

Which bedroom do you want it in, Ms. Geller? Oh. It's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay?

What? There was no table available in the kitchen?

Uh, museum. What happened to the library? There never was a library.

Yeah, if you're really hungry. Ha, ha. It was a joke. I made a joke.

What kind of person's allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works in a library. Ha, ha.

Gives it a nice antique-y look?

When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that. Ha, ha.

He only tipped, like, 4 percent. Yeah. Ahem, that's Daddy.

But, you know, if he was a regular at the coffee house... I'd be serving him sneezers.

The carbon. It's messy. I mean, gets on your fingers and causes... the, uh, night blindness.

I tip way too much, way, way too much. It's a sickness, really.

Here. I'll tell you what. You pay the whole bill, Mr. Big-Shot. All right?

Well, 'Mr. Big-Shot' is better than 'Wet-Head.'

I cut a hole in my pocket... take a pair of tweezers... and just start pulling.

Well, that would be your basic I've-got-a fish-hook-in-my-eyebrow-and-I-like-it.

Well, all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.

Had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't leave it alone.

Four percent, okay? I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.

Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to medical school in a mini-mall.

I am so dead.

Except that I could pick your father up and say, 'Like me. Like me, tiny doctor.'

Isn't it cool? Vroom. Vroom. [MIMICKING RACING CAR]

I know. You must have won, like, a contest or something.

You know what? It's all Joey's fault because he left his nose open.

Quick. Take off your dress. He won't notice the bed.

Whoa. Somebody missed the off-ramp.

So? This has always been Monica's bed. What, you're just noticing now? How self-involved are you?

Sometimes I have bad dreams.

[SOBBING] Look... I just saw my best friend's brain smeared across the canvas. It's not gonna be me. Not me.

Well, I might have said 'super-gay.'

Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.

Nice hair. What did you do, swim here?

That man couldn't get into med school in Ixtapa.

He's Bobby Bobby? Ahem. It's Robert Bobby.

My right leg is two inches shorter. Come on, you're just tilting.

So, what if somebody steals something? How you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Why don't you tell him about the mole I haven't gotten checked?

Yeah. We both auditioned for the part and, uh... as it turned out... they... They liked the stupid gay thing and cast him.

And me? Me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people... [SOBBING] most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV.

All right, jester man, look, we wanna see the king.

[MIMICKING RACE CAR] Hey, watch it, lady. [MIMICKING RACE CAR]

My bed's so boring.