The One With The Race Car Bed

Rachel:I have to squint to make him seem attractive and intelligent like Alan Alda.

Monica:You know, it's funny you mention dinosaurs, because they're extinct. And if you keep telling these stories, I'm going to go extinct too.

Chandler:Okay, so if I had a superpower, what would it be? I could fly, I could be invisible, I could read minds...

Chandler:Or I could be really good at parallel parking.

Gunther:Rachel... so beautiful, so unattainable. She comes in every morning, orders her coffee, doesn't even know my name. But I know hers. I've known it for years. Maybe today will be different. Maybe today she'll finally see me. I'll make her cappuccino extra special. With love. She'll take one sip and realize... no, who am I kidding. She's looking at Ross again.

Joey:How did you know I was thinking that?

Phoebe:I can hear your thoughts, Joey.

Joey:That's impossible.

Phoebe:You're thinking about sandwiches right now.

Joey:Okay, that's actually pretty accurate.

Monica:Remember when we used to play 'Egg the Gellers'?

Ross:Oh my God, yes! We'd throw eggs at Mom and Dad's house!

Monica:I can't believe we thought that was fun.

Ross:Well, they were always telling us to get out of the house, so...

Chandler:So you guys were the ones getting egged every Halloween?

Ross:We weren't 'getting egged,' Chandler. We were victims of a coordinated attack.

Monica:By literally every kid in the neighborhood.

Chandler:So what you're saying is you were the neighborhood targets?

Ross:We prefer to think of ourselves as 'celebrated.'

Chandler:Yeah, that's not what 'egged' means.

Monica:Oh my God! Is that... Oh God, no no no no no!

Mattress King:It's all just a sales pitch

Mattress King:Welcome to my medieval-themed mattress emporium! I am the Mattress King, ruler of all things comfortable and fortified!

Monica:This is complete rubbish. Your whole thing is absolutely mental.

Monica:Can you believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses?

Joey:Wait, what? Where? Because I could really use a new mattress, and if there's a divorce sale...

Joey:Yeah, those prices are unbeatable!

Monica:I know, right?

Joey:I'm really happy for you, Monica. This is great for your apartment.

Rachel:So will you come to dinner with my dad?

Ross:I can't, I have to... reorganize my sock drawer by thread count and then alphabetize my geology samples.

Rachel:Ross...

Ross:And after that I need to count all my books and make sure they're in perfect chronological order by publication date. It's very important.

Rachel:My father doesn't hate you.

Ross:Rachel, he calls me 'Bobo.'

Rachel:He's just being playful.

Ross:He told me I had a "weaselly" face and that I should stop "prancing around" the apartment.

Rachel:I want my dad to love you like I do.

Ross:Well, I think that's... I mean, not exactly the same way, right?

Rachel:No, no, of course not. But I could help. I could... you know, do things for you.

Chandler:So Joey got a gig? That's great! What kind of role?

Joey:I'm playing a detective in this crime drama.

Chandler:A detective? Oh wow, you're gonna be so good at that. You already know how to look confused and mutter things under your breath.

Joey:Very funny. It's a real acting job.

Chandler:I know, I know. So when do you start your... your thespian... uh... thing? Your actor-y... doing?

Joey:I would love to, but I can't date my students. It's a professional boundary thing.

Joey:Man, being an acting teacher is hard.

Rachel:Yeah, but the deals are unbeatable.

Rachel:I mean, Joey was right — you can't argue with these prices.

Phoebe:Oh, I love this bed! But you know what? In England, they drive on the left side of the road, so this bed would be on the other side of the room over there.

Monica:Phoebe, that's not how that works.

Phoebe:No, no, it totally does! Everything is backwards in England!

Monica:Oh my God! This is amazing!

Phoebe:I know! It's like you're flying!

Monica:I feel like I'm in a real race car!

Phoebe:You ARE in a real race car! Well, a bed shaped like one. Which is basically the same thing.

Joey:See, there's a difference between reacting and acting again. If I react, I'm just doing what any person would do. But if I act again, I'm creating a whole new performance.

Joey:It's like... if someone throws a ball at me and I duck, that's reacting. But if someone throws a ball at me and I duck, and then I do it again the same way for the camera, that's acting again.

Joey:Okay people, let's talk about what really matters in this business - your looks. And I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. You - not happening. You - forget about it. You - maybe if the lighting is really bad and the camera is really far away. And you - I'm not even sure what you are.

Joey:I'm sorry, but as your teacher, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the class.

Joey:I'm perfect for this role. The character is a charming, good-looking guy who gets by on his looks and doesn't have much going on upstairs. That's totally me!

Chandler:Yeah, Joey, that's not really a stretch.

Delivery Man:I need a signature. What's your full name?

Monica:Monica Geller.

Delivery Man:Middle name?

Monica:Bing.

Ross:Well, I'll have you know I was quite the boxer in my day. I spent a lot of time at the YMCA, and let me tell you, I really knew how to... handle myself in the shower.

Ross:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Is that my blood? Oh no, oh no, oh no!

Monica:Ross, you're fine, it's just a little blood.

Ross:I can't look at it! I can't look at my own blood! Make it stop!

Chandler:Dude, you're a paleontologist. You dig up 65-million-year-old bones.

Ross:That's different! Those are old! This is fresh! It's my fresh blood!

Delivery Man:Which one is the bedroom?

Rachel:Oh, that one. You can tell by how obsessively neat it is.

Dr. Green:Oh, this is wonderful. A table right next to the kitchen. I can feel the heat from here, and I'm pretty sure I just inhaled someone's beef wellington.

Dr. Green:So Ross, tell me about your work at the museum.

Ross:Well, I'm a paleontologist. I study dinosaurs and fossils.

Dr. Green:Yes, yes, a dinosaur doctor.

Ross:No, not a dinosaur doctor. A paleontologist. I don't treat dinosaurs.

Dr. Green:Right, right, you dig up the dinosaur bones.

Ross:Well, yes, but it's more complex than just digging. There's careful excavation, analysis, dating the specimens...

Dr. Green:So you're a bone digger.

Ross:I'm a PALEONTOLOGIST, Dad!

Ross:Three lobsters? That's... that's funny, Dad. Really funny. I mean, who needs a sense of humor when you can just point at crustaceans?

Dr. Green:What are you talking about?

Ross:Nothing, nothing. I'm just saying, lobsters are hilarious. Look at them. They're walking sideways, they have claws... it's comedy gold. You're a comedic genius, Dad. A true master of wit.

Dr. Green:You're allergic to lobster? How can you be allergic to lobster? You're a paleontologist!

Dr. Green:Rust is boat cancer.

Ross:Actually, rust is the oxidation of iron, which occurs when iron is exposed to oxygen and moisture. It's a chemical process, not a biological one, so it's not technically cancer.

Ross:It's just a little rust. It's not like the bike has cancer.

Chandler:Yeah, but the way you're talking about it, you'd think it was terminal.

Ross:Well, if we don't treat it soon, it could spread to the chain, the gears... We need to get it to a bike doctor immediately. We're talking about the difference between life and death here!

Ross:Your father just left a 50-cent tip on a $32 bill.

Rachel:Yeah, well, that's my dad.

Rachel:I can't confront my father about tipping. He's very intimidating.

Monica:Rachel, he's a doctor. He tips.

Rachel:I know, but... okay, fine. I'll talk to him.

Rachel:Actually, you know what? I just realized something gross about this place. Do you know how many people have sat on this couch?

Ross:No, no, no, Dad, you don't want to see that.

Dr. Green:Why not?

Ross:Because you have a very rare condition. It's called... uh... Carpal Tunnel Syndrome of the eye.

Dr. Green:That's not a real condition.

Ross:Yes it is! It's from looking at carbon paper too much.

Ross:Well, you see, it's a mathematical thing. The server's base wage is only $2.13 an hour in most states, and when you factor in the cost of living, inflation, and the emotional labor of dealing with difficult customers like me, it actually becomes a moral imperative to tip at least 30%. Plus, I read this study that showed tippers have better social outcomes and longer lifespans, so really, I'm investing in my own longevity.

Dr. Green:You know what? You're a doctor, you should know better than to show me up on tipping!

Dr. Green:I'm the one who pays for dinner, I decide the tip!

Ross:Dad, I was just trying to—

Dr. Green:That's it!

Dr. Green:Oh, Mr. Big-Shot! Look at you!

Ross:Well, at least he didn't call me Mr. Small-Shot.

Joey:See, the key is to think of something sad. Like, I think about the time my dog died.

Joey:Or I pinch myself really hard right before the scene.

Joey:One time I actually punched myself in the stomach to get real tears for an audition.

Joey:The casting director was like, 'Why are you crying?' And I'm like, 'Because I'm a REAL actor!'

Joey:Extremely specific and disturbing facial expression description

Joey:Okay, so you wanna look like you just got some bad news, right? You go like this...

Joey:No, no, no. That's not it. Okay, you think of something really sad.

Joey:Think of like, I dunno, like your dog dying or something.

Joey:Or... okay, here's what I do. I think of calculus.

Joey:Wait a minute. I taught her everything she knows. She wouldn't even BE here if it wasn't for me!

Joey:I created a monster. I'm like a acting teacher... but evil.

Ross:Four percent?! That's lower than the tipping percentage for a terrible experience at a restaurant!

Ross:That's like... that's like not tipping at all! That's like saying 'Here's some money, but I'm angry about it!'

Rachel:You should see my father's chiropractor. He's amazing.

Ross:Oh yeah, because that's exactly what I need - medical advice from someone whose degree comes from a strip mall.

Phoebe:Oh no, oh no, oh no! Monica's gonna kill me! She's gonna come home and see that bed and she's gonna know it was me!

Ross:I could be the bigger man about this.

Chandler:How? You'd have to eat a lot of cheeseburgers.

Ross:That's not what I meant!

Monica:Oh my God! Is this a race car bed?

Monica:Vroom vroom! This is amazing!

Monica:I can't believe I never had one of these growing up!

Phoebe:Well, look on the bright side. Now you have a bed that's perfect for someone who's 6'2".

Phoebe:Well, Joey had a bloody nose, and he got blood all over the sheets, so I had to wash them, and then I couldn't remember which bed was which!

Joey:My bloody nose? Why is that my fault?

Phoebe:Because you wouldn't stop picking at it!

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! Did you guys know that the average person walks past a murderer in their lifetime? Like, four times!

Chandler:That's not a fun fact, Phoebe.

Chandler:Oh my God, this is the coolest thing I've ever seen! A race car bed!

Chandler:Wait... how did it end up in Monica's apartment? Did it take a wrong turn at Albuquerque?

Chandler:Poor little guy, just wanted to go to the Indy 500 and ended up here instead.

Chandler:Wait, is this a new bed?

Phoebe:No, it's the same bed you've always had.

Chandler:But it's a race car bed. I've never seen this before.

Phoebe:You know what? I think the problem is you're not being observant enough. Maybe if you paid more attention to your own life, you'd remember the things you own.

Chandler:Why is there plastic on the mattress?

Monica:Because I don't know what you do when you sleep.

Joey:Alright, when you get in that ring, I want you to come out swinging, okay? Be aggressive, be fierce, be like a predator.

Student:Got it.

Joey:And make lots of noise. Growl, yell, intimidate your opponent. Make them think you're crazy.

Student:Okay...

Joey:Trust me, I know boxing.

Narrator:[Student enters ring and immediately starts roaring and flailing wildly, completely overdoing every instruction, boxing the air frantically while making inhuman sounds]

Joey:That's... that's not quite what I meant.

Joey:Okay, okay, I may have suggested he play it a little... gayer.

Joey:But then I realized that wasn't enough, so I told him to play it like he was a big gay peacock!

Monica:Oh, that's great! So you sabotaged your student so you could get the part. That's a really good life choice, Joey.

Dr. Green:Hello, Ross. I see you've decided to grace us with that wet head of yours again.

Ross:Dad, I just got out of the shower.

Dr. Green:Yes, well, you might want to consider staying in there a little longer. For all our sakes.

Dr. Green:That man couldn't get into med school in Ixtapa.

Ross:So you're seeing a chiropractor named Dr. Gail Linney?

Rachel:Yes, what's wrong with that?

Ross:Nothing, nothing. It's just... Gail Linney? That sounds like a made-up name.

Rachel:It's not made up, Ross. She's very real and very good at what she does.

Ross:Gail Linney. Gail Linney. It sounds like a character from a bad sitcom.

Rachel:Well, she's helping my back, so I don't care what her name sounds like!

Rachel:I need to go to the chiropractor. My back is killing me.

Ross:Maybe it's because you're carrying around all those shopping bags from your shopping spree.

Dr. Green:You don't have renter's insurance? Rachel, what if something happens to your apartment?

Rachel:Like what?

Dr. Green:Like a fire, or a break-in, or... or I could fall down the stairs and break my fake leg.

Rachel:Dad, you don't have a fake leg.

Dr. Green:Not yet. But if I'm not covered, who knows what could happen?

Dr. Green:So Ross tells me you've been going running with Rachel.

Ross:Yeah, Dad, we've been jogging together.

Dr. Green:That's nice. How is she doing?

Ross:Well, she's... she's got this thing where her leg kind of goes out to the side when she runs.

Dr. Green:Oh no, that's terrible.

Ross:I know, right?

Dr. Green:So what, you two just... laugh about it?

Ross:Well, yeah, actually.

Dr. Green:Finally. Something we can do together.

Rachel:Oh, you two are bonding! That's so sweet. Would you like me to go get some more things for you to make fun of me about?

Joey:I was just trying to sabotage the whole thing, you know? I figured if I gave him terrible advice, he'd mess it up and... but then he actually listened to me and it worked out perfectly for him!

Joey:So now I'm sitting here realizing my terrible advice was actually... good advice. How is that fair?

Joey:I'm a loser. I can't even get a stupid part in a commercial. I'm 35 years old, I live in an apartment with a guy, and I'm still waiting tables!

Joey:You know what? I'm gonna teach acting. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll teach other people how to be actors since I obviously don't know how to do it myself.

Joey:And my students are terrible! They're the worst! They have no talent, no instinct, nothing! Half of them can't even remember their lines!

Monica:Excuse me, I need to return this mattress. It's been two weeks and it's completely uncomfortable.

Employee:Well, madam, all sales are final in our kingdom.

Monica:Your kingdom? Listen here, peasant. I am the queen of this realm, and I demand a refund or I'm taking my royal business elsewhere!

Employee:But the castle policy states—

Monica:I don't care about your castle policy! Off with your head!

Mattress King:Vroom vroom! Neeeeow! This is my bed, and I'm driving it to the land of comfort!

Monica:Wait a minute... my bed doesn't have a race car.