The One With The Giant Poking Device

Phoebe:I can't see my dentist anymore.

Rachel:Oh my God, why not? Is he invisible?

Phoebe:I can't go to my dentist.

Chandler:Why not?

Phoebe:Because he's dead. He died last week, and I can't believe I'm the only one who cares. I was the only one at his funeral. Well, me and his family. But I didn't know them, so basically just me.

Joey:Every time I go to the dentist, I get a little excited.

Phoebe:Yeah?

Joey:Because I know that afterwards, I can eat ice cream.

Phoebe:Oh...

Joey:No wait, that's not it. Every time I go to the dentist, I think about this one time with my acting teacher, and I just...

Phoebe:My dentist died. He was killed by my curse.

Phoebe:First there was my mother's dentist, Dr. Waxler, he got bone cancer.

Phoebe:Then my dentist, Dr. Schulman, he had a stroke.

Phoebe:Then my hygienist, Albino Bob, he got leukemia.

Phoebe:Well, I brush my teeth every day. I floss. I use mouthwash. It's basically like I'm performing surgery on my own mouth.

Phoebe:I'm like a dental superhero, saving lives one tooth at a time.

Phoebe:Oh, no no no. I died in a previous life.

Customer:Could I get a napkin?

Gunther:Oh, a napkin? Sure, why not? We have plenty of napkins. Some of us have been here since 6 AM making coffee for ungrateful people like you, but yes, let me just drop everything and get you a napkin. You're so welcome.

Phoebe:I'm going to the dentist. I know I have that thing where I can't go to the dentist, but I'm gonna go.

Monica:That's great!

Phoebe:Yeah. Although I have to say, I'm pretty nervous because I have this weird thing where I think that if I go to the dentist, my teeth will get stolen and he'll use them to make a denture for a witch in Peru.

Monica:Oh, that's so nice! You know, I think a ghost would really add to the apartment's character. We could give it its own shelf in the bathroom!

Joey:Dude, you just gotta avoid her. Don't answer the phone, don't go to places she might be, just completely disappear.

Chandler:That's not a strategy, that's what you do with all your girlfriends.

Joey:Exactly! And it works!

Phoebe:Well, I have a curse. I could kill him for you.

Monica:Phoebe, no!

Phoebe:What? It works.

Ross:Ugly Naked Guy's using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doh fat factory.

Phoebe:Oh, and be careful of the ice on the sidewalk. And don't accept candy from strangers. And watch out for low-flying aircraft.

Phoebe:You know what? Just... be careful of everything. Assume everything is trying to kill you, because it probably is.

Phoebe:Okay, I'm gonna go now. I just want you all to know that I've loved you so much. You've been like family to me.

Monica:Phoebe, where are you going?

Phoebe:I don't know. But I want to say goodbye while I still can.

Rachel:What are you talking about?

Phoebe:Well, I just have this feeling...

Chandler:Oh my God, is she dying?

Joey:What? No!

Ross:Phoebe, what's going on?

Phoebe:I'm moving to Connecticut.

Ross:Oh my God. Oh my God! They put a little... they drew little...

Monica:What? What did they do?

Ross:They gave the Homo sapiens a little... a little penis!

Chandler:Well, they are historically accurate.

Ross:I can't... I can't talk about this.

Ross:Well, I asked Monica to babysit because she's my sister and I trust her, but honestly, she has nothing else going on in her life anyway.

Joey:Wait, so you're telling me that humans evolved from monkeys?

Rachel:Not exactly from monkeys, Joey. We share a common ancestor.

Joey:Right, right. So like, my great-great-great grandfather was a monkey?

Monica:Joey, that's not how evolution works.

Joey:How does it work then? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm not part monkey.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! I'm not prejudiced. I'm cool with it. I have... I have gay friends.

Monica:Okay, here we go, Ben. Airplane! Neeeeow!

Ben:Wheeee!

Monica:Up, up, and away!

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica, be careful!

Monica:Rachel, I've got this. I do this all the time.

Monica:Okay, Ben, here comes the landing. Whoa, whoa, whoa—

Ben:Ow!

Monica:We have to tell Ross about the baby's injury.

Rachel:What? No! We could just... not tell him.

Monica:Rachel, he's the father.

Rachel:I know, but he doesn't have to know that we know that he knows... I mean, we could just not say anything and see if he notices.

Rachel:Oh my God, there's a bump on the baby's head!

Monica:What? Where?

Rachel:Right here! What do we do?

Monica:I don't know, maybe we can just push it back in?

Monica:Oh! Oh! I know! We could all go to that new restaurant that just opened up on Amsterdam!

Monica:Yeah, they have this really great... um... thing. You know, the kind of thing that Rachel and Ross do... a lot.

Rachel:We could put a hat on the baby!

Monica:Rachel, that's... that's not how hats work. The bump is huge. You'd need a baby-sized hat.

Rachel:So? We'll get a baby-sized hat!

Chandler:From where? The baby hat store? 'Excuse me, do you have anything in a 'suspicious bulge'?'

Monica:You can borrow Mr. Fluffy!

Rachel:Wait, the bear is going to fix my relationship?

Monica:No, you can use him to hold your hat.

Rachel:Oh... I thought you meant he had emotional support powers or something.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you guys, the most amazing thing just happened at the dentist. He was drilling, and the drill broke, and a piece of it flew across the room and hit him right in the eye. He's probably gonna lose his sight in that eye.

Monica:Phoebe, that's horrible!

Phoebe:I know! And then when he was reeling back in pain, he fell into his tray table, and all his instruments went flying. One of them went right into his shoulder. There was blood everywhere!

Rachel:Oh my God!

Phoebe:It's my curse. I'm like a black widow, but for dentists.

Joey:You gotta get her something nice. Women love getting gifts.

Chandler:Yeah, like a card that says, 'I got you this gift because I have no idea who you are.'

Joey:Hey, if you really wanna impress her, you gotta get her something she really wants but would never buy for herself.

Chandler:Okay, what are you thinking?

Joey:A boob job.

Chandler:Joey!

Joey:What? I'm serious! Chicks love that stuff.

Joey:Think about it! It's practical, it's thorough, and it shows you really care about someone's health. Plus, it's something they'll never forget!

Joey:No no no no no, Chandler, no! You can't buy those pearls!

Joey:No no no no no!

Joey:No! No! No!

Joey:No...

Chandler:She's having an affair? With who?

Joey:Some guy named Sid.

Chandler:Sid? What kind of name is Sid? I suggested a nice Walkman!

Monica:Wait, what else did you add to the costume?

Monica:A tiara? And a sash? And a wand? It's a baby, not a beauty pageant contestant!

Monica:I designed this to be a simple, cute outfit. Now it looks like a tiny Vegas showgirl.

Phoebe:Oh my God! You're all still alive!

Monica:What?

Phoebe:I went to the dentist today, and I know what that means. I thought for sure the death curse would've taken at least one of you by now.

Rachel:Phoebe, what are you talking about?

Phoebe:You go to the dentist, someone dies. It's like a rule.

Ross:That's not a rule.

Phoebe:Well, it's SUPPOSED to be! I'm genuinely shocked right now.

Ben:Mommy pushed me down the stairs.

Monica:Okay, we just need to say it naturally. Like it's a normal word.

Rachel:Right, totally normal. Bang. See? Bang.

Monica:BANG! It's just a word, people!

Rachel:Why are we all yelling 'bang'?!

Monica:Because we're normalizing it! BANG BANG BANG!

Rachel:You guys sound completely unhinged right now.

Monica:Do I? Do I sound unhinged? Is that what you're saying about me?

Rachel:A little bit, yeah.

Monica:Well, I like it when a guy takes charge in bed.

Janice:Hi Chandler! Oh. My. God.

Janice:Could you BE any more of a Bing?

Chandler:So you've never... you know... been with anyone else?

Janice:Oh, well, there was that time in Aruba...

Chandler:ARUBA?!

Janice:And then there was my yoga instructor, but that was just once.

Chandler:JUST once?! Janice!

Janice:Oh, and my dentist. But he was very gentle.

Chandler:Your DENTIST?!

Chandler:So you're telling me there are multiple locations?

Janice:Well, yeah! There's the main office, the warehouse, and the satellite branch.

Chandler:Multiple locations? How many are we talking here?

Janice:I don't know, like five or six?

Chandler:Five or six?! That's not a business, that's a empire! I can't handle an empire! I can barely handle my apartment!

Chandler:Oh God, oh God, oh God!

Janice:That's my receipt.

Ross:Monica, that plan doesn't make any logical sense. You're ignoring the basic financial implications, and frankly, the whole thing falls apart if you just think about it for five seconds.

Monica:Oh, so what you're saying is... my plan is going down the toilet?

Ross:That's not what I— Monica, I'm being serious.

Monica:Number two serious, or number one serious?

Ross:Ben, you look exhausted. What have you been doing all day?

Ben:Nothing, Dad. Just playing.

Ross:Well, you must be doing something. Have you been bench pressing? Training for a marathon? Climbing Everest?

Monica:I was just... demonstrating explosion sounds. For a play. A very loud play.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm so glad that's over. I was terrified the whole time.

Phoebe:Let me just check... nobody died, right?

Phoebe:Not me, not the dentist, not anyone in this building?

Phoebe:Good, good. We're all still alive. That's the important thing.

Phoebe:Oh my God, the curse is finally over! I'm so happy!

Ross:That's great, Phoebe. Hey, have you seen Chandler? He was supposed to meet us here twenty minutes ago.

Phoebe:Oh no.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Ugly Naked Guy is dead!

Phoebe:Well, I guess he'll always be remembered as a legend. I mean, think about it — when he goes, half the building goes with him.

Monica:Wait, you want to call the authorities? That's not creepy at all. I mean, it's not like we're talking about installing cameras in people's homes and tracking their every move without their knowledge or consent.

Joey:Finally finding a use for pointlessly saved chopsticks

Chandler:I bought a bulk pack of condoms in 1987. That's why I haven't had a relationship since.

Chandler:The condoms are too big! I can't return them because the cashier knows my face now.

Joey:So go to a different store.

Chandler:I can't! I hyperventilated in front of the pharmacist. He thinks I'm unstable.

Monica:Chandler, that was three weeks ago.

Chandler:Exactly! He'll remember the crazy guy who passed out by the Chapstick.

Ross:Why is there a bump on Ben's head?

Rachel:Oh, he was already bumpy-headed.

Rachel:I am an excellent babysitter. I watch Emma like a hawk.

Monica:A hawk that fell asleep during your shift last Tuesday.

Rachel:I did not fall asleep! And how would you even know that? You weren't there!

Monica:Because I came home and found Emma teaching the cat to use the toilet.

Rachel:She's a very smart baby!

Monica:Rachel, you weren't supposed to tell me about that either.

Monica:Oh my God, he's brain damaged!

Ross:He's not brain damaged.

Monica:Well, he's wrecked!

Ross:You laugh now, but when you're all in hell, don't come crying to me!

Chandler:I mean, you know, it's like... love is when you can't explain it, you just feel it. Like trying to understand Lionel Richie lyrics.

Janice:You deserve someone's whole heart.

Chandler:Well, I'll settle for three-quarters. I mean, everybody's got stuff.

Chandler:I could live with two-thirds of a heart. That's... that's more than half.

Chandler:Okay, you know what? I'll take a ventricle. Just... just one ventricle.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait! You can't leave!

Janice:Why not?

Chandler:Because... because you forgot your shoe!

Janice:I'm wearing both my shoes.

Chandler:Well, you're gonna need a third one!

Monica:Chandler, I know you're upset about Janice, but that shirt is hideous.

Joey:That's what she said!

Joey:That's what she said!

Monica:Joey! Oh my God, you know what? You need to grow up!

Joey:All right, I'm going in. If I don't come back, tell my mother I love her.

Chandler:Joey, you're just poking him with a stick.

Joey:Yeah, but what if he wakes up angry? What if he comes after me? I could lose a limb, man. Do you know how much that would affect my acting career?

Chandler:Actually, it might improve it.

Monica:We haven't stopped poking him.

Joey:Now he's showing us his poking device.

Chandler:Could he BE any farther away?