The One With The Football

Monica:Rachel, the marshmallows go in the top left corner of the hot chocolate, exactly three of them, arranged in a triangle.

Rachel:Monica, they're marshmallows, not a NASA launch sequence.

Monica:I'm just saying there's a right way and a wrong way.

Rachel:You know what? Fine.

Rachel:Four marshmallows. Right in the middle. In a line.

Monica:You ate my marshmallows!

Rachel:I did not eat your marshmallows.

Monica:Rachel, there were five bags in that cabinet yesterday.

Rachel:Well, maybe Chandler ate them.

Chandler:Why is it always me?

Monica:Because you did! And you know what? This is the third time this year.

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica, it's not that serious.

Monica:Not that serious? Rachel, I specifically bought those for hot chocolate season.

Ross:You guys do realize you're going to have this exact same argument next November, right?

Joey:You haven't done anything since you broke up with Janice.

Chandler:That's not true. I have goals. I'm going to learn to play the guitar, I'm going to read more, and I'm going to start going to the gym.

Joey:Yeah, and when are you going to do all this?

Chandler:Well, I'm thinking... next week. Or the week after. Definitely before my birthday.

Monica:When's your birthday?

Chandler:April.

Chandler:Okay, so I'm not drinking alone anymore. Now I'm drinking with ambition.

Ross:Well, technically she said I couldn't play football anymore after I broke my collarbone. She said I was 'too fragile' for contact sports.

Ross:It's called 'The Geller Bowl.' I know, I know, it's ridiculous.

Monica:Ridiculous? Ross, you should be proud! This is our family legacy!

Ross:Monica, it's a competition between you and me over a bowl of trifle.

Monica:Exactly! And you're going to lose again!

Ross:You didn't accidentally break my nose! You broke it on purpose! You were angry, you wound up, and you punched me right in the face!

Ross:I have a very clear memory of you saying 'I'm gonna break your nose' and then doing it!

Ross:Monica, you cannot just declare yourself the winner. There are rules of engagement here. According to the bylaws of playground football, a touchdown is only valid if the ball crosses the plane of the end zone while in the possession of an eligible receiver. Your lateral pass to yourself is a clear violation of subsection 4, paragraph B.

Chandler:So your dad threw the Geller Cup in the lake?

Monica:Yeah, he said it was the only way to end the curse.

Ross:The curse? It's a football trophy, not the Holy Grail.

Rachel:I don't know, Ross. Your family does take this pretty seriously.

Ross:Monica, can we talk? Privately?

Monica:Oh sure, we can talk privately. That's why you're asking me in front of everyone right now!

Monica:Okay, everyone ready to play football?

Chandler:Yeah, I'm ready. But I should warn you, I can't play if there's a 'no shirts' rule.

Joey:Why not?

Chandler:Because my mom said I'm not allowed to take my shirt off in public until I'm married.

Ross:Chandler, you're 30 years old.

Chandler:Yeah, well, the rules don't change just because you get older.

Rachel:Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh my God! Oh my God! That hurt! That really hurt! Why would you throw it so hard?!

Unknown:And then 'Tennilles.'

Ross:Okay, we need to pick captains for the game.

Monica:How about we go by height?

Chandler:No, no, no. We should do it by who has the best haircut.

Joey:I'm in.

Phoebe:Or we could pick based on our astrological signs combined with what we had for breakfast.

Rachel:That actually makes sense.

All:Yeah, okay, let's do that.

Rachel:So who are you picking for your team?

Monica:I'm going to go with... Chandler.

Rachel:Chandler? But Monica, we're best friends!

Monica:I know, sweetie. And you're great. But Chandler's just better at this. Don't worry though — you'll do fine on someone else's team. You're really trying so hard lately.

Rachel:Wait, so I wasn't picked?

Monica:Well, no, you were... you were next.

Rachel:Next? Monica, that's the same thing as leftover.

Monica:We have 28 minutes before I have to baste again.

Chandler:28 minutes? That's less time than a football game!

Joey:Yeah, and with all the commercials and timeouts, that's basically nothing.

Unknown:The huddle is supposed to be about football strategy, but instead it becomes gossip about teammates

Joey:Do you know what you're doing?

Phoebe:No. Do you?

Chandler:Okay, okay, I can do this. I can do this. The ball is... the ball is Janice.

Chandler:Losers walk.

Joey:Yeah? Losers talk.

Chandler:See, that's the thing - you just proved my point.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I almost caught it! Did you see that? I was SO close!

Chandler:Yeah, you were almost as close as we are to winning this game.

Phoebe:Well, I'm basically a professional athlete now.

Someone asks how long to go long

Meeting someone from the Netherlands Stating the obvious with misplaced amazement

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Dutch girl, right? So her name is... Dutch?

Chandler:No, Joey, Dutch is where she's from.

Joey:Oh! Oh! So... her name is Holland!

Monica:It's first down.

Chandler:No, it's second down.

Monica:Chandler, I can't believe you don't know this. What else don't you know? Can you even tie your shoes?

Chandler:I'm wearing loafers.

Monica:See, that's exactly what I'm talking about!

Ross:Yeah, that's great.

Monica:What?

Ross:Nothing.

Monica:No, what did you say?

Ross:I said nothing.

Monica:You said something. I heard you.

Joey:You're gonna ask her out for me?

Chandler:No, I'm gonna get her number for you.

Joey:Oh! Oh, you're gonna ask her out for you?

Chandler:Better with numbers? I'm not a nerd!

Chandler:I'm a *financial* nerd. There's a difference.

Chandler:My favorite jersey is torn!

Monica:So sew it.

Chandler:I don't know how to sew.

Monica:Then take it to a tailor.

Chandler:Hey, I'm good at math! I could do math if I wanted to.

Chandler:I mean, I'm not saying I want to, but I could.

Chandler:Could've been a mathematician. Could've been... a lot of things.

Joey:I'm gonna make you feel bad about yourself.

Chandler:Oh, you don't have to. I already do that myself every morning before breakfast.

Phoebe:Oh! I think I broke my tailbone. Or as I like to call it, my butt bone.

Monica:Your mother's so fat, she doesn't eat, she grazes. And I should know — I've catered all her meals.

Monica:I'm way too mature for that kind of stuff now.

Monica:*delivers a dead leg*

Ross:I didn't have mono! I had acute mononucleosis!

Chandler:It's a coffee cup.

Monica:My dedication was so extreme I went swimming after it

Chandler:Whoa! What was that for?

Monica:I don't know, I just felt like it!

Chandler:Well, I like it. Do it again.

Monica:Okay!

Chandler:Wow, this is great! Finally, a woman who tackles me! This is what equality looks like, people!

Monica:That's right! We're crushing you! You're gonna be stuffed like a turkey! And just like Thanksgiving, this is gonna be awkward and nobody's gonna want to be here!

Monica:Pfft.

Ross:Pfft? PFFT? That's a dismissive labio-dental fricative followed by a glottal stop. You're not just rejecting my idea, you're rejecting the very phonetic foundations of civil discourse.

Chandler:I'm actually really good at geography. Like, I know all the countries in Europe.

Monica:Really? Name one.

Chandler:Netherlands.

Ross:That's a country, yes.

Chandler:And it's where Peter Pan lives, right? Neverland?

Joey:Neverland is not a real place, man.

Chandler:So the Dutch people... they just made it up?

Unknown:Enough 'geography for the insane.' Let's play ball.

Chandler:So who do you like? Is it someone on the show?

Chandler:Oh, come on, you're Dutch. You're all very direct and honest.

Chandler:You probably just came right out and told him, like 'I like you' or 'Your tulips are beautiful.'

Chandler:Or maybe you sent him a note on a bicycle while eating a big block of cheese.

Joey:It's not a geography thing. Peter Pan is from Neverland, which is in London.

Chandler:You hear that? That is her truth, Mr. 'I'll Let You Have Her'!

Chandler:I'm doing a little dance, I'm making a little noise, playing with some action figures from my apartment!

Chandler:Yes! I won! I am the champion of the world!

Dutch Girl:Actually, I've changed my mind. I don't want to go out with you.

Chandler:What? Why? What did I do?

Dutch Girl:Well, you're being really annoying right now.

Joey:Hey, hey, look on the bright side. At least we know she's not a lesbian.

Chandler:I win! I win! You're gonna end up alone, eating cat food out of a can in some dingy apartment with a mattress on the floor and a mirror on the ceiling!

Joey:Why would I have a mirror on the ceiling if I'm eating cat food?

Chandler:So you can watch yourself hit rock bottom!

Monica:Listen up! You think you're good? You're not good! You know what you are? You're mediocre at best! And that blue folder system you invented? It's derivative! I've seen better organization at a garage sale! Your spreadsheets make me want to cry, and not the good kind of cry! You're all fired! No, wait—you're not fired, but you should be ashamed!

Monica:And another thing—your coffee order is wrong every single time! How do you mess up a latte?! A LATTE! My grandmother could make a better latte, and she's been dead for eight years!

Chandler:Guys keep one eye on the TV at all times.

Joey:What? That's not true. I keep both eyes on the TV.

Chandler:It's a figure of speech, Joey. It means we're always distracted.

Joey:Oh... so I'm doing it wrong?

Chandler:Winning isn't important. Oh, that's funny, because I just won the heart of a beautiful woman from across the ocean. I'm basically an international romantic champion. I should get a medal. A big gold medal that says 'Chandler Bing: Winner of Hearts and Also Everything Else.'

Unknown:You should join the NFL.

Rachel:Oh my God, I can't join the NFL. I don't know anyone there!

Why are they always the ones left holding the ball? Suggesting everyone else lacks their dedication